by Pauline West
But Casper shrugged us all off, coming towards me as if my bare chest was no big deal. And it literally wasn’t, of course-
“This,” Casper said, dunking his hat on my head. He ran his fingers across the brim, arranging it. “Just so.”
He grinned, stepping back. “You’re perfect, Lily.” Then he just stood there, still grinning.
I kicked water at him. “Hey man, get out of here,” I laughed. “Go back up that way or something.”
Casper tilted his head to the side, began to sway slowly around-
“exotic, I love it!” Chandler said behind us, still snapping away.
Grinning, I held up my hand like a make-believe gun and pretended to blow them both away. You’ve probably seen the photograph: Casper ended up using it for his next album cover.
Looking over Chandler’s shoulder, Beren bounced up and down with happiness. “Yes, yes yes, that’s it!” he said, “This is awesome!”
“Pretty awesome,” Casper said, standing closer to me now. I re-wrapped my arms around myself, but assuming he was going to fix something; maybe my hair, or my hat, it didn’t occur to me to move back.
And then he kissed me.
Casper’s hands were hot on my shoulders, his kiss sinking through me like wine.
My mind went black.
I jolted away from him. “I’m sorry, I- I can’t, that can’t happen,” I said.
“Why not, Lily?” Casper murmured.
What could I say? But my words were out before I censored them.
“I’m in love with this- asshole. Or I’m an asshole. I mean, I- I don’t know. But I can’t.”
Casper laughed easily. If he was taken aback by my rambling, he didn’t show it.
“No problem,” he said.
Then he tried to kiss me again.
I turned my head. “Hey, were you listening? I can’t,” I said, firmly.
“All right, all right.” Casper’s handsome face fell closed. He turned away. “Hey, listen, you guys hungry? Let’s get dressed and get something for dinner. It’s on me. What about that place over there- Tides? We could sit out back and look over the water.”
I headed back towards the big pile of driftwood I’d been using as a dressing room curtain. It was sweet of Casper to offer to buy dinner, but I knew he was just doing it to try to regain control.
The problem was, it worked.
“Well, Tides is a hotel,” Beren said, “but their drinks are good. Don’t ask me how I know…”
“Sounds like a plan,” I heard Casper say.
I changed back into my cami top, but Chandler insisted I wear the golden pants.
“It’s cold out, and besides, they look so amazing with your mom’s shoes,” he said. “I want to look at you and your outfit all night. You’re making me look good, girl!”
“You make me look good, doll,” I said to him, automatically, trying to laugh, but inside I was surging with guilt. How could I feel so guilty about a relationship that didn’t even exist- a relationship that couldn’t even work, if it did.
I’m really not cut out for this, I thought to myself, as we sailed together into the Tides hotel.
There was a bar outside. Casper sauntered up, smiling affectionately at people who recognized him, but he didn’t respond to anything any of them said.
“Excuse me, sir?” he said to the bartender. “Give me a couple grilled cheeses and shots all round, here please. Tequila.”
Beren turned towards me. “Call Hazel,” he mouthed.
“Oh yeah!” I said.
And then I saw Ry. He was sitting at a big table at the far corner of the sprawling patio, both his arms draped around beautiful blondes. One was Madison; the other girl’s hair was in her face, and I couldn’t recognize her. They were sitting with his parents, all of them laughing and drinking, enjoying themselves- the way they always had, probably. They made a natural unit.
I was an outsider.
I started nodding to myself rhythmically. “All right, it’s all right-”
“Lily?” Beren said.
“It’s okay, I’m okay,” I said, but I felt as if the four corners of the Earth were pulling away from me. Blackness rushed in. “I’ve got to- I’ll be right back-”
I slipped free and went quickly through the crowd towards the hotel. Water, cold water- silence and privacy- all I could think of was how much I wanted to get away- but my ears were ringing with shame and humiliation and the rich, lovely sound of Ry’s laughter.
Inside, the hotel was cool and empty. It’s carpeted hush drank up the sound of my footsteps as I rushed towards the ladies room. There were two older women standing at the mirror, touching up their makeup as I flooded through the door, full of tears, but blessedly they didn’t notice me. I slammed into a stall and waited for them to leave, staring down at my painted toenails.
I felt as if someone were tugging roots from my heart.
I sat there for what felt like ages, letting the black feeling wash over me. I wanted to feel it; I wanted to feel everything, and I wanted it to hurt, too. Remember this, I told myself. Remember that this is what it feels like when you let someone in, when you let yourself be vulnerable.
This is your fault. You knew what kind of man he was…
So pick your head up and get back out there. You’re better than this- crying over some fucking guy. What do you care?
As soon as I opened the door to head back outside, I saw Casper Graham had attracted himself a little attention.
Women stood ten deep in a circle all around him, hanging onto every word he said. They tugged at his arms, giggling like parrots.
Chandler and Beren looked slightly uncomfortable with all the attention, but they were ignoring the interlopers. For now. I knew Beren: he was plotting their next move; things were quickly getting uncool, and he never stayed anywhere uncool for long.
Casper, however, was loving it. He was incandescent with happiness, a born performer. He reached for me with both arms as I came towards them.
“Lily!” he cried. “She returns; wherever did you go?” Casper Graham kissed my cheek twice with a big, theatrical smack.
“Wouldn’t you like to know?” I purred back, pretending the confidence I wished I really felt.
Casper’s eyes sparked back. “I would,” he said, squeezing my arm.
“Hazel’s on her way,” I told Beren.
“Fantastic, once we’ve got here with us, let’s get out of this place,” Beren said, handing me a drink. He and Chandler stood close together, their feet nearly touching. Seeing me notice this, he winked at me gleefully, and then I laughed, a little too loud.
I wanted Ry to see me. Whether he was flirting with other girls or not, I knew he felt the same irresistible draw towards me just as I felt towards him. The dirty traitor.
I wanted to rip his heart out, just like he had mine.
But when I felt a warm hand at my side, my heart leapt up crazily in the instant before I turned around- was it him-?!- and saw it was only Hazel.
“Hey, boo!” she said happily, kissing me hello. Immediately she pivoted, grinning up at Casper. “What’s this, a god? Babe, you didn’t tell me there would be gods here!”
“Welcome to Olympus, princess!” Casper boomed. “Have you been a good girl this year?”
“I think you’re mixing your metaphors,” Hazel giggled, “but I’d love to tell you all about it just the same- because as it happens, I’ve been very, very good-”
“Oh? Tell me more...” he said.
Rolling my eyes, I glanced back towards Ry and his table. Not only was Ry completely oblivious to our corner of the festivities, he was flirting with their waitress. A third gorgeously sultry blonde. (What. the. fuck.) The waitress was leaning towards him, giggling, letting him look down her shirt. As I watched, she took out her phone and handed it to him.
Ry started typing-
His phone number. He was giving the bitch his phone number.
I’d never felt so stupid, so used.
I hated him! In a hot rush, I felt the memory of his delicious hands moving over me-probing into my most secret places- and the memory made me recoil.
I glanced over at Casper, who was still flirting with Hazel. He’d been keeping an eye on me the whole time, like a concerned older brother. Catching my glance, he smiled at me sexily. His mouth was red and cold from his drink. The tangle of long hair he wore up in his hot little man bun looked sweeter and more poetic than ever.
“You all right, Lily? Hey… come here,” Casper said, but somehow, I was already in his arms. I put my hands to his face and kissed his cold mouth, hard.
And then, to squeals and cries of despair from the swarm of girls around us, Casper dipped me back in his arms.
“What are you doing?”
Ry’s voice behind me was hot and low with anger. I ignored him, but I could feel Casper begin to break away. He was looking at the strange, furious man who must have run across the whole patio towards us at a breathless pace.
A secret part of me smiled. Ry cared! He cared after all!
Ry grabbed my arm, pulling me away from Casper. “Lily- what do you-”
“Hey whoa, take it easy, brother,” Casper said, grabbing my wrist.
“Guys, what the fuck,” I said.
They ignored me. “I’m not your brother, jerk-off,” Ry growled. I saw his shoulders stiffen and raise. He wanted to fight.
Casper let me go. “Do you know this tool, Lily?” he demanded.
I had to nod. “He’s the…”
“Oh, he’s the asshole. Right, I get it.” Casper’s mouth tightened into a small, red knot, but he still didn’t turn away. He chewed his ice, breaking the cubes between his teeth. It was strange to see someone famous for writing poetic love songs get so angry. And kind of hot.
“I’m the asshole- you’re kissing other guys, Lily?” Ry said.
I exploded. “I saw you just give some bitch your fucking phone number!”
Ry loosened, stepping back on his heels. “Wha-?”
But I wasn’t finished. The booze had bypassed my brain and piked straight into my heart. “You fucking- the instant you met my dad, you- you pulled away-”
Ry reached for me, his hands warm and strong on my forearms. I could smell him all around me- that heady blend of lemons and wood and sex. Even though I was flushed with anger, I couldn’t stop the little swoon that began to curl inside me, a miniature echo of the silver waves breaking on the shore behind us.
The tension between us was like jungle air.
Ry shook me slightly, in spite of himself. “Why would you ever think that? Why would you ever think I’d abandon you, Lily?” One of his hands went to his chest, his fingers splaying wide. His eyes were wet: Ry didn’t care what anyone on that beach thought of him, except me. “I was giving my phone number to the waitress because we gave her a scholarship, she said it’s changed her life. I wanted to have her write something about it, let the other donors know how much it’s meant to her.”
“A- scholarship-?”
“Yes, Lily. Christ.”
The bartender roved over. “You guys all good here?”
Ry leaned towards him and put in an order I couldn’t hear.
Casper had moved away. He was standing with the others, evaluating me with a thousand-yard stare that made me feel two inches tall.
When Ry came back, he put a cold glass in my hand.
I pushed his hand away. “I don’t need-”
“It’s just seltzer. With a splash of bitters,” he said.
“Oh, goddammit. Will you stop being so-” But I took a sip. Ry smiled at me, calm and infuriating, and so beautiful. He was so close we could have been dancing. Or something else. “God damn it, stop being so perfect. You’re an asshole, I know you’re an asshole!”
“Oh yeah? I guess that’s what you like, then,” he said. He leaned closer. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you drunk, Lily.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. I know enough about girls,” he said, pulling me to him, “to know when one wants me.”
“I’m not drunk,” I muttered, pouting into him. We fell into a hot, slow kiss. We were both stiff with anger, with adrenaline and lust, our eyes locked together hotly. Ry bit my lip, dragging his teeth along my skin. I curved into him, my core fluttering with need.
“I do want you,” I whispered. “You fucking asshole.”
He released me just long enough to show me his open palms. “I’m yours,” he said, and then he held me again. “You crazy, beautiful girl.”
I laughed. “We aren’t dancing to the music any longer.”
“I don’t care,” he said. “Do you?”
“Mm…” a familiar high, nasal voice broke in. “I know this one. I’ve seen her before, right? That’s a first for you, Ry, right? Hahaha!”
“Hi, Madison,” I said, coolly. I almost couldn’t remember how she’d been able to get to me so much at the wedding; right now I had her number. She was one of those girls who’d dreamed all her life about her storybook perfect wedding day. And yet she was still desperately in love with the one guy she’d never have.
Because he was mine.
“You know my name! That’s so sweet, bless your heart… but I’m sorry, sweetcheeks, I can’t remember yours. You all look the same to me!” Madison said.
“Mad, you’re drunk too!” Ry said, swatting at her. “You girls. Here, take this, it’s seltzer-”
“No! I wadn’t finished,” Madison said, swaying. She looked like a hissing snake, uncoiling slowly from a basket. “I mean, all you squinty eyed- you all look exactly alike-fucking Japs.”
I looked up at Ry, shocked. We stopped dancing. Ry shoved the seltzer into Madison’s hands and wrapped her fingers around it brusquely.
“Get_out_of_here,” he said. “Before I do something I might not regret.”
Stunned, Madison swayed back towards Ry’s family. I noticed an additional chair at their table was empty-his mother’s.
“There’s things that happen in the South that are inexcusable,” Ry said to me, softly. “The very same thing that makes it so lovely and romantic is our resistance to change. But that also makes some of us hateful. I’m sorry, Lily. I’ll talk to her about it in the morning. When she’ll remember.”
“Will you?” I said, quietly, looking at him. “You don’t have to tell me about white supremacists; I’ve met them before. I was born here, remember? Even if I am half Japanese. Does it bother you, how I look?”
Ry’s eyes were warm, thawing mine. He was quiet a long time, watching me. I was quiet, too. I saw the depth of emotion that was caught in his eyes.
I couldn’t stand it any longer. “What do you want to say to me, Ry?” I said.
But when Ry finally answered, it was in a voice so quiet I had to lean close to hear it. He smiled.
“I don’t trust myself to say it,” he said. “I’ve done so many things. But losing you scares me more than anything… I’ve ever done…”
“Ry…”
Suddenly, a wave of ice-cold seltzer splashed over my back and hair. I leapt into Ry, startled. Behind me, Madison stood grinning at us, drunk and triumphant, waving her empty cocktail glass in the air like a broken sword.
I couldn’t help it; I’d had to prove myself more than once in schools that were so gritty you could hardly shower yourself clean.
Without thinking, I leapt at her, throwing clawed punches at Madison’s startled face. She shrieked, ducking away from me into the crowd, but I looped her thick, silky blonde hair around my wrist and yanked her back towards me.
She screeched, falling down hard. I didn’t let go.
“Lily, stop!” Hands snatched at me, but not before I’d fish-hooked my nails inside one of Madison’s dewy cheeks and raked the soft, warm flesh that I found there. When they dragged me off her, my nails were dripping blood. Madison’s eyes were wide over the perfectly manicured hand clapped over her face.
Well, spare the rod, spoil the child...
&nb
sp; “Jap that!” I said, as Beren spun me away before I could get into any more trouble.
“Get the fuck out of here before I get in there for seconds!” he yelled at Madison. She scurried away from us so fast she almost fell down again.
Then Ry seemed to be everywhere at once, yelling at Madison, yelling at me. People were swaying in and out of focus all around us. That was when I noticed the cell phones.
People held them in the air, training them on me, on Ry, on Madison screeching through the crowd. We were on candid camera, and the footage was airing live.
His father appeared through the crowd, red-faced but patrician none the less. He crooked Ry’s arm briskly in his, yanking him away.
But not before Ry leaned over to me, kissed my cheek in farewell, and then yanked his shirt over his head for privacy. They disappeared instantly through the crush of bodies and screams.
Now people leaned into my face, breathing up all my air. Little white dots from their cameras and flashes blinded me from all directions.
And then suddenly came the voice of a professional journalist: “What just happened? Are you dating the candidate’s son?”
Another: “Why the altercation? How was Ryland Calhoun involved? What’s your name, miss-?”
But Casper was already dragging me away, putting his hand out to try to shield me from the cameras. “No comment! She’s got no comment, you shits, get back! Hazel-? Come on!”
“Are you kidding?” Hazel squealed. “This is awesome, I’m staying! Buh bye!”
“Candidate?” I said to Beren blurrily, as we raced up the dunes to Chandler’s car.
“Baby, I love you,” Beren said, “but you live under a rock. Ry’s daddy announced his candidacy for the House last week.”
We were tumbled into the car, still skittering with adrenaline. The crowd behind us began to sound scary and wild, and even as we sealed up the windows we could still hear them through the glass.
I felt the adrenaline turn to ice in my veins as the full import of Beren’s words hit me. “Oh, you guys. What the fuck did I just do?”
The car was silent.