by Toni Aleo
My heart tumbles around in my chest, and I’m breathless as he comes to a stop in front of me. I look up at him, and jeez, I’m so stupid. I am. But damn it, I love him. His eyes search mine as his lips part but then press back together. My heart doesn’t know what to do. His chest rises and falls with mine as the townspeople move around us, but really, they’re not there. I want to reach out, touch him, beg him not to leave, but I have no right to do so. He never asked me to be his. Even though I am.
He clears his throat, biting his bottom lip. My body is vibrating for his. When Jason Aldean’s “You Make it Easy” blares from the speakers, my heart can’t take it.
We speak at the same time.
I ask, “Wanna dance?”
He says, “I’m sorry.”
I try to smile, but it looks more like a frown as he looks stricken. He holds out his hand, and I take it. He walks backward toward the dance floor before pulling me in closely. My chin comes to the middle of his chest as he slides his hands down my back. His hands hold me right at the small of my back, but his fingers lie against my ass. His favorite thing about me. He leans his head on mine, and I close my eyes as the music plays around us. There is chatter, laughter, and everything else, but all I hear is the racing of his heart. We stay like that for most of the song. I feel people staring at us, some smiling and some talking, but neither of us cares.
Reed’s hand moves up my back, to my neck, and up into my hair before he tips my head back. I gaze into his troubled eyes, and tears suddenly flood mine. He drops his mouth to mine, and my eyes squeeze shut, feeling every ounce of my soul falling for him over and over again. He draws out the kisses, his tongue moving slowly and carefully with mine. I want to cry and laugh at the same time. There was a time when he cared about people seeing us touch and kiss, but now, it’s different. Is it because he is leaving that he doesn’t care? Or is it because he has fallen for me?
A sob bubbles in my throat as he pulls back. His other hand comes up, cupping my jaw as he breathes me in. I open my eyes to see that his eyes are still clenched shut and his lips are trembling. I don’t understand. All he has to do is ask me to be his, and I’ll scream yes. Wholeheartedly. Even though I just had one hell of a party, dammit, I would leave this town in a heartbeat. Just for him. All he has to do is ask. My fingers caress his jaw as his eyes open slowly, and I see such despair in his gaze.
“I never meant to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
“Reed—”
“Let’s get out of here.”
He doesn’t give me time to answer before he threads his fingers through mine and pulls me with him, out of the crowd.
“Reed.”
Reed stops at the sound of Dr. Ross’s voice and turns around. “Hey, Dr. Ross.”
“Hey, son,” he says, stopping in front of us. “We need to discuss you leaving. You’ve been putting me off.”
Reed nods, and I look away. “We can talk tomorrow.”
“Fine, breakfast with me and the old lady.”
“I’ll be there.”
“And you’re welcome, Delaney, of course.”
I give him a strained smile. “Thank you, Dr. Ross.”
“Of course. See you two tomorrow.”
Neither of us answers him as he walks away. Reed kisses my temple and then whispers against it, “Come on.”
He pulls me with him toward my house. I know I should stop him, but I can’t. If we go into that house, I know we’ll end up in my room, and then we won’t talk. In a way, I don’t want to talk, because I’m pretty sure he’s already gone. I know Reed cares for me, that’s a given, but he had one foot out of this town the moment he stepped in. I couldn’t bring that foot back in; I’m not enough.
Once we’re in the house, the door slams behind us, and Reed leads me up the stairs. Inside my room, I shut the door, and he turns, pulling me to him. His mouth takes mine in a heated and hurried embrace. He grips my dress in his fist at my waist as we eat at each other’s mouths. My heart hurts, dammit, it does, but I refuse to stop kissing him.
When he pulls back, it’s to lift my dress off me, and then his gaze slides like honey all over my body. I unbutton his shirt, pushing it off his shoulders and down his arms. Our gazes stay locked as I unfasten his pants, and they drop to the floor from the weight of his wallet, I assume. Next is my bra and then my panties before he pushes his boxers down his legs. He’s hard, delectable, and I don’t want to say goodbye.
But I think that’s what we’re doing.
Reed moves his hands very slowly up my ribs to cup my breasts. I tremble in his hold as his lips take mine once more. When he picks me up, I wrap my legs around his waist as he walks us to my bed. Reed lays me down slowly, his body covering mine as he falls between my legs. His cock rests against my wet center, and my body hums at the feel of him. He’s so hard, throbbing against me as he draws the kisses from me. From my heart, my soul. Our bodies tremble together, and our hearts beat as one as we stare into each other’s eyes. His are so stricken, so sad, and I wonder if I mirror him. I don’t want to say goodbye, and his body tells me he doesn’t either. So why is he?
When he pushes into me, I arch up into him. He kisses down my throat as he thrusts up into me, and tears fill my eyes. They slide down the sides of my face, and I dig my nails into his biceps as he moves into me. His hair brushes against my jaw as he thrusts into me more forcefully with each stroke. His body is strong and thick against mine, and my tears just keep falling. I move my lips along his forehead, my sobs choking me as he continues to push into me like he was meant to. This is goodbye, plain and simple, and I don’t know what to think.
When his lips glide over my chin and along my jaw, he meets my gaze and freezes. I press my lips together, and I slowly move my fingers over his jaw. “Don’t leave.”
He searches my eyes, and I can see the struggle in his expression. “Delaney—”
I shake my head. “Yes or no.”
“It’s not that easy.”
“It is.”
“I have a life there—”
Not the answer I wanted. “Fine,” I say, pulling his head down to mine. “It’s fine.”
I try to kiss him, but he doesn’t let me. “You have to understand, I think you’re amazing—”
“But I’m not enough to stay for.”
He drops his forehead to my chin, placing a kiss to the middle of my chest. “It’s not that at all, Del. Please don’t think that.”
“Then, what is it?”
He lifts his head to look down at me. “I have a whole different life in Lexington. I can’t give that up.”
“Then why don’t you ask me to come with you?”
He shakes his head as he groans. “Del, you are rooted here.”
“And I would uproot myself this second for you.”
He looks pained as he inhales harshly. “Baby, I wouldn’t ask you to.”
“But I would,” I say, my tears streaming down my face. “I love you, Reed.” His eyes widen, and I refuse to keep all these feelings inside myself anymore. I’ve done it long enough. “I know we said we were just having fun—dating, if you will. But I have loved you for almost my whole life, and I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you. I love your face, your body, your laugh, everything, Reed. I love you. All of you.”
“Don’t.”
No. No. No. He’s supposed to say, “I love you too!”
“Don’t,” I repeat, and then I push him off me as he says my name once more. I reach for my blanket to wrap around myself as I turn to him. “You honestly don’t love me?”
His dumb ass shrugs as he gets to his feet. “I don’t know. I’m feeling all kinds of things, but I just don’t see the point.”
“The point is telling me how you feel!”
“Why? So this can hurt more? I’m leaving, and you’re staying. We have two separate lives, Delaney. Don’t you see that?”
“I do, but I’m willing to merge them!” I thread my fingers together, shaking my hands at him.
“Together!”
“And what? Come to Lexington and do what? You have it made here. Don’t leave that.”
“I wouldn’t care ’cause I’d be with you.”
“And you’d be unhappy and resent me because you’d be bored. You’d have no softball, no church, no ten jobs!”
I didn’t think of that, but it doesn’t matter. Can’t he see that? “No, I would have you. You’re enough, Reed. I just want you.”
He shakes his head. “No, you deserve more than that. You need more than me to shine. I refuse to ruin your life by asking you to do that.”
“Then come here—”
“I can’t, Delaney. I said I’d never come back here. I have it great in Lexington. My apartment, my job… I’m good there.”
“But that was before me,” I stress. “Don’t you want to be with me?”
He swallows hard, his eyes so sad. “I do, but I can’t just jump in like that. There is no guarantee this will work. That we will be good together—”
“We are good together. You know that, dammit!” I yell, my temper getting the best of me. “You’re just a fucking coward.”
He narrows his eyes. “What the hell? How?”
“You don’t want to swallow your pride and admit that you love it here. That you love me.”
“I have no problem admitting that this place has grown on me or that you have become very important to me. But I said I was leaving, and that’s what I intend to do.”
I shake my head, my tears spilling out of my eyes. “That’s bullshit.”
“I never meant for this to happen. You have to understand, I haven’t had a relationship since high school. Del, you’re the first woman to make me feel something in ages, but I don’t know how to give up the damn good life I’ve built and start living one I’ve never had before. I don’t even know how to be in a relationship.”
“Are you insane? Reed, we’ve been in one since this started. Don’t you see that?”
“No, I don’t. I thought we were just fucking.”
Oh, the sharp edge of his words pierces my soul. I wipe my face free of my tears as I look down to the ground. “Honestly, that’s what you thought? What you feel?”
He doesn’t answer me at first. His eyes are wild, and I can see that he is struggling. It makes me want to shake him. When he speaks, his voice is broken as he whispers, “It is.”
I don’t believe him one bit. “You’re lying,” I say as I look up, meeting his gaze. “But whatever. Go. Be free. But know, if you leave this town, I’m done.”
“Delaney—”
I laugh. “What, did you think I’d wait around for you to visit to hook up? No, I deserve more than that. I deserve the man who looked me in the eyes and told me I was remarkable and incomparable to anyone else. I deserve you when you forget that you have this so-called perfect life in Lexington and remember that your heart belongs here with me. That you love me, Reed. Jesus, don’t you feel it? How can you just ignore it? But then, what do I expect? You’ve been doing this since we were kids.”
He just looks at me, stone-faced. “I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Well, you have,” I say simply, and I go to the door, pulling it open. “But it is what it is.”
I look back at him as he stares at me. “So, that’s it?”
“Unless you have something else to say.”
“I don’t want to end like this.”
“Rather us bang it out?”
His eyes soften. “No, Delaney. I don’t want that at all.”
“Then what do you want?”
He shakes his head, and I can see that he is totally confused. “I don’t know.”
My heart breaks once more. That’s odd to me. How many times can a heart break in a matter of hours? “Well, I know I need you to go so I can cry by myself.”
“Delaney—” He steps to me, but I hold up my hands.
“No. Go.” I pick up his clothes and shoes before pressing them into his chest. “Goodbye, Reed.”
He wants to argue, but thankfully, he doesn’t. He dresses quickly, sloppily, before he leaves my room. I don’t know how I keep it together, but once the door shuts, I go to my bed, crawl under the blankets, and cry like I’ve never cried before.
Because the love of my life doesn’t see what we could have.
What we do have.
Chapter Thirty
Reed
When I step off the final stair of the staircase, the sound of Delaney crying slams into me. I look over my shoulder, up at the hall that leads to her room, and I want to go back. I want to beg her not to cry, to understand that I’m doing this for her. I know she doesn’t see it that way, though. She sees it as me not wanting her, when that isn’t the case at all. God, I want her, but it just doesn’t seem in the cards.
She’d never fit into my life in Lexington. She wouldn’t be happy, and I refuse to let that happen to her. Then there is the fact that I can’t stay here. The fear of the unknown is way too much to even consider chancing. If we had more time, I think I would be more comfortable taking the plunge into a relationship, but… Wait, have we been in a relationship? Her words saying that we have crash into me like a hundred-pound Great Dane. We’ve spent every waking moment together. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and we’ve had some really fantastic sex.
Did I fall into a relationship with her and not even realize it?
Was it really that easy?
I run my fingers through my hair, and I have to admit I don’t know what I am doing. Noah is expecting me in a week with a check in hand. I’m ready to take over my half of the clinic, really pressure him to do some pro bono work like what Dr. Ross does here. I can’t wait to tell Noah how Delaney pushed for it here. The conferences she went to. I can’t wait to tell him everything, but then, wouldn’t that make this harder? Damn it, she just wouldn’t last in Lexington, no matter how much I want to go back there and take her with me.
“Damn it to hell,” I mutter as I head through the kitchen and out the back door. As the screen door slams behind me, I jog down the stairs. But when I reach the grass, I pause. My heart slams in my chest as I glance up at the window of Delaney’s room. My body is urging me to go back inside, but for what?
What would I even say?
I love you too.
Tell her you love her!
If I’m honest, all these feelings do feel a whole lot like love. I’ve never had that whole-body kind of love for anyone, but for Delaney, it’s there. It’s been there for a while, but I’ve done my best to ignore it. But I know if I admitted my feelings, it would make this harder. I’ve already hurt her; I don’t want to dangle my love in front of her and then not give it to her. But then, isn’t that what I’m doing? Am I turning into that jerk-ass kid who didn’t know how to act around her?
“Y’all done screwing?”
I glance over to the street where Mawmaw and my mom are walking toward the house. Mawmaw is double-fisting beers, while my mom has only one, but they’re both grinning from ear to ear. I swallow hard as I stare down at the grass. “We’re done, that’s for sure.”
“That doesn’t sound even the least bit good,” Mom says, and when I glance up at her, her brow is furrowed. “Even though hearing my son is done screwing is also not something I want to hear.”
I can’t even laugh, I just feel hollow. “It isn’t good.”
“Did you mess up, Reed McElroy?” Mawmaw asks as they come up to me, both of these nosy women looking at me with knowing eyes.
“I did,” I answer, taking a deep breath. “I’m such an idiot.”
“You are,” Mom says, pressing her hand into her hip. “I told you that when you told me you were going back to Lexington.”
Mawmaw tsks at me. “I told your momma that when she said you thought you were going back.”
I meet Mawmaw’s playful gaze. “Thought?”
She scoffs. “Oh, sweet boy, you ain’t going anywhere.”
Taken aback, I scrunch up my face. “Yes, I
am. I have a job, an apartment, a life to get back to in Lexington—”
“Tell me what color your walls are in that apartment.”
I furrow my brow more. “What?”
“Answer me,” she demands, and I shrug.
Shit, what color are they? I’ve lived there for three years; shouldn’t I know this? “I don’t know… Maybe gray? Or white?”
She nods. “What color are Delaney’s eyes?”
“Brown,” I say without even thinking.
Mawmaw smiles as if she’s proving a point. “Can you name one patient from your clinic back in Lexington?”
Crap.
“I don’t like you,” I answer, and she beams as my mom does the same.
“Honey, her point is that you may think you have it all there, but you don’t.”
“Mom—”
She holds up her hand. “I never thought you were happy there. You never told me stories of what you did at the clinic or what you were doing on the weekends. You were just living day to day. Reed, baby, I’ve never seen you smile so much in my life as in these past eight weeks, and if Delaney Kate is the reason for that, then I have to tell you, you have to stay.”
Mawmaw tucks a beer between her arm and boob before taking my hand in hers. “I haven’t seen that girl this happy in a long time. Can you really live with yourself knowing she’ll be devastated to lose you?”
“She can do better,” I try, but they both shake their heads.
“Why, when she can have you?” Mom asks, and then she smiles. “And you can have her.”
Mawmaw taps my chest. “What she said.”
They both set me with a look that says “Don’t fuck up any further” before they walk around me and into the house. When the screen door slams once more, I lower myself onto the bottom stair and cup my face in my hands as I lean on my knees. I close my eyes and just sit there, the warm night air surrounding me.
I try to imagine my apartment, but all I see is the cabin I’ve been in for the last two months. I see Delaney waking up with that crooked grin and her hair all over her face in my bed. I see Wilbur in her lap as she eats dinner at my table. I can vividly feel her lips on mine as the sun slowly rises after one of our late nights. I can see the field she ran through with Wilbur while I chased them. I can see it all, everything about this town, but I can’t remember one thing about my apartment.