My mother was wrong. I know exactly how much love costs. I know because I’m in love with Sage—truly, madly, stupidly in love with him. Yet, in the same breath, I know that I cannot deviate from my plan.
I push him away, shoving my hands against his chest as I step out of his arms. I draw in a deep breath, needing the air to help clear my head. I cannot forget why this is the best way—the only way. I open my mouth to speak, but Sage beats me to it.
“I’ll stand here all night and you know it. We’re not breaking up unless you can convince me it’s because you want nothing to do with me, and after that kiss—you’ve got a long way to go before I believe that shit.”
“This is not about how I feel,” I say, shaking my head at him. “This is bigger than that.”
“No, it’s not. This is stupid and you know it. I’m your guy and you’re my girl, remember?” He takes my hands in his, lacing our fingers together as he takes a step closer to me. “We agreed.”
I try shaking out of his grasp, but he grips me tighter. “Sage—let me go.”
“No.”
“You’re not going to change my mind. We’re over. And you can stand here all night if you want, but we both know you have someplace to be in the morning. You won’t stand up the guys for me.”
His grip suddenly loosens and his head jerks back in surprise. “Is that what you want? Are you telling me to choose?”
I cough out a sigh of frustration, my eyes filling with fresh tears as my chest fills with an ache I cannot describe. “Never! I would never ask you to choose and you know that!”
“Then what? What the fuck, Millie? What do you want from me?”
“I want to know that you won’t break my heart into a million little pieces!” I yell, unable to control myself. “But you can’t promise me that you won’t. Or maybe you think you can, but—”
“Millie—do you hear yourself right now? I can’t promise that I’ll never hurt you anymore than you can promise that you’ll never hurt me. Relationships don’t work that way. Nobody is perfect. But I’m here, baby. I’ve always been right here.”
I sigh, reaching up to bury my fingers in my hair. “That’s just it, Sage. You’re leaving. You’re not going to be here anymore.”
“It’s only six weeks—”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” I let my arms drop as I begin pacing back and forth in front of him, wishing that this wasn’t so hard. Wishing that he would just put me out of my misery and leave. “You say you’re my guy, but you aren’t. I saw it, baby—” The term of endearment falls from my lips without a second thought, sending a pang of longing through my hollow chest. “I saw it, at The Fillmore. I saw you in a whole new light. It was like watching you perform—seeing the audience from your vantage point—it all made sense. They are who you’ve been fighting for. They are who you’ve been chasing after. They are who you belong to.”
“Baby doll.” He stops me from pacing, pulling me into his arms once more. He holds me close, staring into my eyes with a fierceness the likes of which I have never seen. It makes my knees weak and my stomach flutter and I’m powerless against him. “I sing to them. I sing with them. But I sing about you. I sing for you. They don’t own me. They’ll never own me. That’s not why I do what I do and I never want it to be. The second it becomes all about them is when I lose my integrity—when I lose myself, my music. I don’t belong to them anymore than they belong to me.
“But you…I belong to you. Do you know how I know that?”
“How?” I breathe.
“Because I love you, Millicent—I’m in love with you.”
His declaration is like a bucket of ice water poured over my head. In an instant, the spell he casts with his icy blue eyes is broken and my strength is renewed. I shove him hard. I know he’s not expecting it because he stumbles away from me, stepping back into the hallway. The look on his face speaks of his bewilderment, but I don’t give a shit.
“You don’t get to say those words to me,” I tell him, pointing an accusatory finger at his chest. “Not today. Not now. Not because you think it’ll change my mind. Not when you’ll be leaving in fourteen hours. You don’t get to say those words to me!” Every word that falls from my lips comes out louder and louder until I’m yelling, infuriated with him for using those words against me.
“Millicent—that’s not a fucking line. I mean it,” he argues.
“I don’t believe you.”
“Then I’ll say it again. I—”
I reach up and press my fingers against his mouth before I mutter, “Don’t you fucking dare.” He narrows his eyes at me, whether it’s because I’ve silenced him or because I’ve silenced him with his own phrase, I don’t know. I don’t care, either. I don’t want to hear it. Not again. Not now.
Not like this!
It kills me that he’s chosen now to say the words that are poised on the tip of my tongue. It kills me that I cannot repeat them back to him. It kills me that he might mean them and he might not and I don’t know which to believe. It just kills me.
“You need to go. Now. Please, leave.”
“Millie—”
“I mean it, Sage. I can’t do this anymore.”
Before I change my mind, and before he can act to stop me, I step back and slam the door in his face.
“The fuck!” he cries, clapping his hand against the barrier that now stands between us. “Millicent, open the damn door.”
“No!” I cry in return, locking the deadbolt for good measure.
“Baby, I lo—”
“Don’t say it!” I yell, stomping my foot like an enraged child.
He goes silent and I listen closely so that I might hear his next move. He doesn’t leave. Instead, I hear the thump of his head as he presses it against the door. For a moment, neither of us says another word. Knowing he’s so close, yet so far away, makes the longing in my chest almost unbearable. I reach up, placing both palms against the door, knowing this is as close as I can get.
“Millie,” he murmurs.
I think back to a few minutes ago, when he told me he’d stand here all night fighting for me. That I believe. That is a declaration I can hold onto—but his love? To believe that right here, right now, on the eve of his departure…
“Six weeks,” I say softly.
“What?”
“If you mean those words in six weeks—” I pause, sure that he won’t. I pause, knowing that I’m stupid for believing that there may be the tiniest possibility… “If you mean those words in six weeks,” I continue, “then I want to hear them. But if you don’t—I don’t want to speak to you again.”
“Millicent—”
“Go, Sage,” I barely manage as a knot fills my throat. “Just—please. Go.”
I don’t know how long we stand on opposite sides of the door, neither of us moving, before I feel a thud that makes me jump. Then, in a low voice I can hardly hear, he says, “This isn’t over, doll face.”
His voice is followed by the sound of his footsteps as they descend the stairs. When I hear the front door of the building slam shut, I know he’s gone.
I LOVE YOU, MILLICENT.
I want so badly to go back. Suddenly, I want to hear him say the words again. I want to be in that moment when the words that mean too much to me fell from his lips. I want to live in that pocket of time when he was sure that those were the only words that would save him. Most of all, I want to believe him.
Instead, I’m here. Alone. Curled up on the couch, shedding silent tears. I’m here, afraid that I will never speak to him again. It is what I told him—it was my desperate plea when I knew not what to believe. Repeat the words or utter no others. Now, as I drown in the silence of his absence, all I can think about is the reality that led me here in the first place.
I gave him my heart when he wasn’t supposed to have it. I fell in love with him, knowing that it would destroy me. They always leave—that is my truth, that is my story, and Sage would have been no different. He think
s he is the exception to my rule. My dreamer. But I live in a world he does not know—a world that he does not understand—a reality where dreams don’t come true and love doesn’t fix anything because love doesn’t last.
He took my heart, but I don’t wish for him to return it. I’m probably better off without it. Now, there is no fear that I will fall in love again, having sacrificed every last piece to his name. There is only one Sage Lawrence McCoy and I don’t want another. I made him leave. I forced my hand. It was going to happen anyway, I just made it happen sooner. Now, I don’t have to watch the man I love slip away. I don’t have to worry about what the next six weeks will mean for us, because there is no us. Not anymore. He will go where his music takes him, just as he was meant to, and I will watch from afar.
I don’t move when I hear the front door open and close. I don’t have it in me to hide my tears from Sarah. Not today, anyway.
“Millie?” she coos, inching her way around the couch. “Millie, what happened? Why aren’t you with Sage? I thought—”
“I think…we broke up.” I say the words with uncertainty, as if I’ve somehow wandered into denial over what I’ve just done.
“Wait, what do you mean, you think?”
“I mean—” I’m cut off when my phone starts to ring. Again. I know without even looking that it’s Sage. He’s been calling every ten minutes for the last hour and a half.
Sarah turns and spots my phone on the coffee table. She picks it up and kneels in front of me, holding it so that I can see the display. “Millie, you should answer.” I shake my head no, but she doesn’t give up. “Millie—” She looks from me to the phone and then nervously bites her lip. “Oh, shit. Please forgive me.”
Before I can interpret what she means, she slides her finger across the screen and answers the call. “Sage? It’s Sarah.”
I gasp, shooting upright in a seated position as I gape at her. I ignore the pounding in my head as she stares back at me with wide eyes, almost as if she’s just as shocked as I am that she actually answered the phone against my wishes.
“Hold on, I’ll try, okay?” He says something that I cannot hear and then Sarah pulls the device away from her ear, holding it out for me to take it. “If you were me, if you saw your face right now, you would do the same thing.” She pushes the mobile into my hand and, reluctantly, I curl my fingers around it and bring it to my ear before she leaves the room.
“Hello?” I whisper.
“Baby—fuck, hi.”
Hearing his voice fills me with a dangerous amount of hope. I try to ignore it, but then I speak, wishing to hear more of it. “What do you want, Sage?”
“You, doll face. You know that.”
“I don’t—”
“No. No more don’t or can’t or won’t or anything that resembles a no. Only one of us is allowed to say no and that’s me. Millicent, I’m telling you no. We’re not breaking up; do you hear me?”
I seal my eyes shut, causing another couple tears to leak down my salted cheeks. Just like earlier, when he wrapped me in his arms, his voice weakens my resolve. I’ve done my best to fight this love, but I’m afraid I’m not strong enough to win the war. I’ve picked my battles—but I’ve gone in with a disadvantage. He holds my heart. How am I supposed to beat that?
“I hear you,” I say softly.
He sighs before he mutters, “Thank fuck,” but I don’t let him get another word in before I continue.
“Sage, wait. I hear you—but I meant what I said. Maybe we should just…I don’t know, maybe we could take a time out. You could figure out what it is that you really feel and—”
“Millie, I know how I feel.”
“Now. You know how you feel now. But after six weeks of being apart?” I blow out a breath, reaching up to tangle my fingers in my messy hair. “Look, I can’t stay here and watch and wait for you to change your mind. So, please—for me—can we just hit the pause button? Then, we’ll talk when you get back.”
I hate myself for asking him to do this. I despise myself for being so weak, for giving him this small victory, for giving either of us hope. I want him so badly; but at the same time, I’m too afraid to hold onto him. So, instead, my solution is to torture both of us—to hang onto him without actually hanging onto him. I’ve given us hope when I was determined to let us go…and this hurts more. But the sound of his voice in my ear—
“Baby—”
“Sage, please?”
“Fine,” he grumbles. “But this doesn’t change anything, Millie.”
I nod, afraid to believe that he’s right. “I guess we’ll see.”
“Yeah. I guess we will.”
I CAN’T FEEL my ears. I wonder how cold you have to be before you get frostbite. I wonder, but I don’t worry. I don’t have the capacity to worry; and right now, I don’t give a shit about my ears. If it weren’t for Maestro, I wouldn’t have even bothered digging out the blanket I keep in my trunk, but it’s my choice to be out here. Not his. He shouldn’t have to suffer. He’s asleep on my chest, covered with a blanket and my hands. Tonight, out here in the dark field, stretched out in the backseat of my car, the top down and my feet propped up, he’s my only solace.
Though, I suppose the night passed long ago. Morning should bring the dawn, soon.
I have no idea what time it is anymore. I could give a fuck. I should give a fuck, but I’ve been numb for hours now. My phone died sometime around midnight. I wore the battery down calling Millicent over and over and over again. I sat in front of her apartment for at least two hours, hoping that if I was relentless enough, that she would pick up. She didn’t—but Sarah did. I swear, that girl is like my fucking fairy godmother or some shit. She’s got my back when it comes to Millie. Always has. Even still, talking to my girl didn’t fix a fucking thing.
Pepper and Rosemary blew up my phone. I knew, without listening to a single voicemail or reading a single text message, that they were anxiously waiting for me to show up, but I couldn’t go. Not without my girl. My last night was supposed to be spent with all my girls—not just my sisters and my niece. If I went to Pepper’s house, if I sat at the Montgomery table, I’d have to give voice to the events that transpired and…I just couldn’t. So I came here instead.
At nine, they started to really worry. I know because one by one, the guys started calling and texting. In an attempt to shut them up, I sent Rosy a text, ensuring her that I was still alive. Of course, that didn’t silence my phone, but I ignored it until it died.
Tonight, under the stars, in the freezing cold, I’ve wandered around in my thoughts. In the quiet of this place, this place where bullshit is shed and peace resides, I think back to what Millie said about me belonging to the crowd I sing to. She’s got it all mixed up. It’s never really been about the crowd, but about the music. Even then, my music isn’t everything. It’s who I am, who I’ve been, and who I will be—it’s my passion, it’s my heart, it’s my dream, it’s my first love—but it isn’t everything. It doesn’t keep me warm at night. I can’t hold it or touch it or taste it. It will never bring me the physical ecstasy that I crave. It doesn’t look at me and make me feel like more of a man than I’ve ever felt I could be. It isn’t Millicent.
Tonight, under the stars, in the freezing cold, I’ve explored my heart. In the quiet of this place, I’ve heard the depths of my longing and I’m sure that I am in love with Millicent Tatiana Valentine. I knew that it would happen. I could sense it coming like an unstoppable force that would take me by storm. I never imagined that admitting it would hurt this much.
Tonight, under the stars, in the freezing cold, I’ve searched my soul. In this peaceful place where my bullshit must remain, I wait for answers. I know why she’s done this. I know why she waited until tonight. She knew that I would fight. She was afraid that I would win—and maybe I would have, had she believed me when I told her that I love her. But fuck, now we’re here—or rather, I’m here and she’s there and my love means nothing to her as it stands.
In the dead of night, the sound of the approaching vehicle cannot be ignored. I’m not surprised that I have company. I knew that they would come, that someone would think to find me here eventually. When I hear a car door open and shut, the sound of someone’s footfalls as they walk toward me across the frozen ground, I don’t move to greet them.
“Christ, I ought to beat the shit out of you,” Rosy mumbles, peering down at me. “We’ve been worried sick, asshole!”
“Now you see me. I’m fine,” I deadpan.
“No. You’re not fine.” She opens the car door and squeezes into the small space between me and the seat. She cups her mitten covered hands around my cheeks in an attempt to warm my face as she looks me in the eye. “Something’s going on between you and Millie. I don’t know what—none of us can figure it out, but we haven’t been able to get ahold of either of you and you aren’t there. You’re here, which means you’re hurting.”
Hearing the words from her mouth guts me. My throat starts to close and it’s all I can do to manage a swallow. Was it just a few days ago when I thought I had it all? And now I see that what’s here today could be gone tomorrow—and maybe I don’t have shit.
“Sage, honey, I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say. But you can’t stay here. You have to come home. You’ll be leaving with the guys in a few hours.”
I sigh, knowing she’s right, wishing she wasn’t—wishing I had more time.
“I love her,” I whisper.
She nods. “I thought you might.”
I draw in a deep breath when I hear two more car doors open. Rosy didn’t come alone and, guessing by the number of feet I hear, I know it’s time to go.
Worthy of the Harmony (Mountains & Men Book 2) Page 25