by HB Heinzer
The kid mumbled something under his breath as he started scanning items. "Hey, sorry man, it's been a long day. I take it you're a fan?" I wasn't used to being the voice of reason, but it didn't seem right that Jon was taking out his frustration on this high school student whose night could be made or broken by his opinion of us when we left.
"Yeah, you guys kick ass! Is Rain with you guys?" He looked around, obviously hoping for a glimpse of the hometown celebrity.
"Nah, she's busy tonight, just us ugly mugs." I handed over my credit card when he finished ringing up our order. It was obvious he wanted to pry, probably to find out why Rain wasn't with us, which is exactly why I grabbed as many of the bags as I could and tried to hurry out of the store. From what she had told me, Rain's biggest peeve about living in a small town was how nosy everyone could be and how fast the rumor mill churned.
By the time the Neumann family got back to the house, we had set out the food and retired to the basement. If we were going to perform in the morning, there was still a lot of work to do and failure was not an option. Rain joined us as soon as she could get away. I was shocked when she picked up her violin, listened to the song a few times on her iPod and then started playing the solo. The fact that she could truly play by ear, even after not having picked up her violin in who knows how many years, was unbelievably sexy.
When Rain and I finally made our way up to her bedroom, she started laughing as we got ready for bed. "What's so funny?"
"Us, that's what. I'm sure everyone in this house right now thinks we're together, and that's without seeing us getting ready for bed like any other married couple in America. You're handing me your clothes to hang up; I'm laying out everything we need for the morning. It's just weird."
Weird? Possibly, and yet, it felt completely normal. I decided to walk through the door she opened to a conversation I had been trying to avoid for too long. "Would it upset you if they thought we were together?"
"Not really. I mean, we know what we are, right?" Rain's ability to dance around the topic made me want to shake her. A smart man might have let that be answer enough for the night, which is exactly why I kept pressing the issue.
"Right, but what do you want?" Not happy to leave well-enough alone, I walked over to her, cautiously wrapping my arms around her waist. When she pulled away from me, I backed off, realizing I was close to crossing a dangerous line with her.
"I don't know, Colt. Can't we talk about this later?" Had I been thinking clearly, I would have realized this was the first time she hadn't flat-out refused my advances. She was leaving the door open for us to talk some other time.
"When would be a better time? We've avoided talking about it for almost a year now. We sleep together every damn night. How much longer do we pretend neither of us feels anything for the other?"
I had officially gone too far. Rain started pacing around the room, her voice strained as she tried to resist the urge to scream at me. I couldn't disagree with her that the night before her mom's funeral wasn't the right time to discuss our future relationship, or lack thereof.
When she made a comment about how I didn't have to be there, and I was free to leave at any time, I snapped. "Don't you get it? I do want to be here. I want to be here for you. I hate that you're hurting. I want to be the person you turn to when you're sad. I want to be the person you scream at when you're upset. That is why I wanted to be here, but right now I feel like I have to be so fucking careful to not touch you in a certain way, to not get too close. That's what's killing me."
She fell into a beanbag chair near the window, sobbing. If there was a limit on how many tears one person could shed in a day, I figured she had to be getting close. It was heart wrenching to watch her cry, knowing she wouldn't let me hold her. Once I knew she was sound asleep, I carried her to the bed, holding her close to my chest.
I felt like a creeper watching Rain sleep every morning, but it had long ago become my favorite time of the day. Seeing her so peaceful calmed and centered me, preparing me for whatever the day might bring.
"Morning," she mumbled, rubbing the sleep from her eyes.
"You need to start getting ready. I'll bring your coffee up." I kissed the top of her head before turning to put on my pants.
"You're still talking to me?" She seemed genuinely surprised that I wasn't upset with her. I pulled her close enough to me that we were touching from calf to shoulder.
"No matter what, you'll always be my storm cloud. Last night just happened to be closer to a hurricane than a thunderstorm. You're going through Hell right now. You've learned a lot of things that have to be hard to deal with on top of your mom's funeral. I shouldn't have said anything, especially since you've always made it clear you'd never do anything with anyone involved with the band. I'm sorry." Sorry didn't feel like the right word because I wasn't sorry for bringing it up, merely for the shitty timing.
"Colt, it's not that..." she went quiet, her eyes staring at some point over my shoulder. "If all of this wasn't going on right now, I don't know what I would have said, but seriously, I just can't even think about that right now. You are my everything, and I'm terrified I'll screw that up. If that happens, not only do I lose my best friend, I risk tearing apart the band and losing all of my best friends. Even though things are changing here with my dad and my brothers, you, Jon and Trav are still my family too."
Years of watching those closest to her drift away because she chose to follow her dreams had Rain so convinced she would never find true happiness that she wasn't willing to take the chance. I knew in my heart that if given the opportunity, I would do everything I could to make all of her dreams come true.
By the time we reached the church late in the morning, I was feeling much better. I wanted more than anything to be the one taking care of her, holding her when she was upset, but I had been holding back, not wanting anyone to draw the wrong conclusions about our friendship. Once she had some sleep, Rain seemed to understand where I was coming from. She reminded me that we had always been tactile, even as friends, so there was no reason for me to keep my distance from her. If questioned it, we would explain it or tell them to take a flying leap, depending on whether or not their opinion mattered to her.
It didn't matter that we were used to performing in front of thousands of people on a nightly basis, I felt the pressure to do well weighing down on me like an anvil as Travis and I ran through our parts one last time as mourners filed into the church. Rain's dad had given us an incredible honor; I didn't want him to regret his decision to ask us to play during his wife's funeral and have that lead to another crack in the fragile bond her family was starting to form.
My attention pulled away from the music when I heard one of my favorite sounds that I hadn't been hearing very often…Rain laughing. I looked to the back of the sanctuary to see her hugging Mike, the middle of the three Neumann boys. While they would all give anything to have Mrs. Neumann back, I felt like the matriarch of the family was looking down on them orchestrating this healing process.
The look on Rain's face when she sat next to me in the front pew crushed me. Never before had I felt an ache in my chest like the one that had taken up residency since she got the call that her mom was gone. My pain wasn't for the woman they lost; mine was for the broken badass sitting next to me who would never get to make amends with her mother. I reached for Rain's hand, enveloping her delicate fingers in my palm. She turned her head to me, the anguish in her face softening for a moment when our eyes locked on one another. Throughout the sermon and eulogies, we maintained our connection, my thumb continuously brushing the back of hand.
The nerves I felt earlier returned as we took our places in front of the lectern. I think I was more anxious than Rain was because I didn't have the added distractions she had. I looked to her, took a few breaths and nodded to Travis as I started playing the opening chords. When I looked to Rain three bars before the first verse started, she nodded to me and smiled. Even though she gave me the signal that she w
as ready to go, I knew she was hanging on by a thread.
Before the end of the first verse, Rain's eyes were starting to glaze over with unshed tears and I caught her voice cracking a few times. I looked back to Jon, nodding imperceptibly, the signal we had arranged the night before letting him know that I was going to support her on melody, and he would have to carry the harmony. We didn't want Rain to think we doubted her ability, which is what would have happened if she knew we had a contingency plan for the song. We knew her well enough to know it would be nearly impossible for her to turn off the emotion since she couldn't even listen to Travis play Dust in the Wind in the basement without crying.
As the Neumann children said a final goodbye to their mother, and Rain's brothers took their places as pallbearers, Travis and I quietly made our way back to our instruments. After Rain and I had gone upstairs after the visitation, Travis talked to her dad to make sure he was okay with us playing as the mourners filed out of the church. Rain looked back to us, her eyes wide, and then looked to see her dad's reaction before shaking her head that everyone knew about this except for her.
At the cemetery, our plan was to stand off to the side a bit, so we weren't disrupting the burial ceremony. Mr. Neumann had a much different idea.
"Colton, can I speak with you for a moment?" He tilted his head to the side, drawing me away from the gathering crowd. "I'd like it if you and your friends would stand with us. You are obviously very special to my daughter, and she needs you right now."
"Yes, sir."
I looked over my shoulder to see Rain nervously watching our exchange. When she reached me, I slid my hand to the small of her back, leading her to the front row. She leaned her back against my chest through the brief ceremony, finally allowing me to comfort her the way I wanted to.
A Tragic Situation?
It seems there's trouble in paradise for Blessed Tragedy guitarist Colton Bradford and lead singer Rain Maxwell. Just days ago they were spotted cuddling and kissing, but that most definitely wasn't the case last night in Baton Rouge. Is the blessed coupling over before they began? (see inset)
I slammed my hand on the table hard enough to make the cell phone near the edge fall to the floor. "Damn it!" I shouted.
It had been two weeks since we left Lexington, and someone had leaked a picture of Rain and I at the burial to one of the gossip sites. No wonder she was so untrusting; someone from her hometown had decided to cash in on a very private moment and twisted it to be something it wasn't. As if that wasn't bad enough, the burial picture was beside a picture taken at last night's concert, supposedly showing Rain upset with me.
We only needed to make it through two more shows before Rain and I began our cross-country trip on the Harley, so we could have some time to figure out our relationship. She had finally agreed to talk about her fears and feelings, and now that was all going to be blown to hell if she saw this article.
"Hey, you know anything about this?" I said, not looking up from my laptop when Rain stormed onto the bus. I couldn't look at her, afraid of what I would see reflected back at me from her bright green eyes. She shook her head, avoiding eye contact just as much as I was. Obviously, someone had talked to her already.
"This is why I wanted to talk that night in your room. Now, I'm the asshole less than a week before our trip."
"You're not the asshole. If you take a look at the story, I'm pretty sure they're giving me that title." She slid into the seat next to me, turning the laptop slightly. "Look... you tell me who the bad guy in that picture is. It sure as hell ain't you. I'll probably need extra security tonight to protect me from angry groupies."
I started tugging at my long blond hair, a nervous habit I'd had for a long time and wished I could get rid of. I couldn't shake the feeling that everything was going to fall apart, and I desperately needed to think of a way to fix it. "Look, this is your deal. I've already said my piece; you know what I want. Of course, this kinda changes things, doesn't it?"
"Why would it change anything?" She seemed shocked that I would think anything was different. I was shocked that she thought it didn't change things. I'd spent years trying to make her see that she could trust me, that she could trust in us enough to make things work without tearing apart the band, and just as soon as there was a glimmer of hope, the tabloids were lining up to tear us apart.
"Oh, I don't know...maybe because the very thing you worried about is happening now, and we're not even a fucking couple. It's like I'm getting all of the bullshit that goes along with a relationship without the satisfaction."
Smooth, Bradford. Way to be the asshole. I wished there was a way to rewind and not be the insensitive ass only interested in sex.
Sure, there was part of me dying to bury my cock so deep inside of her it would rock our worlds, but it was so much more than that to me. I wanted the freedom to pull her body close to mine and kiss away her pre-show nerves. I wanted to walk through the halls of every arena with the most beautiful woman in the building on my arm, knowing that the world knew how much she means to me. I wanted to sneak her off for dinner in the middle of the afternoon just so we could have some time away from our crazy lives. I could easily envision the day when I could walk into my condo knowing she would be on the other side of the door. Hell, if we managed to make it through our first fight I had just managed to start, I would even take more fighting if it meant having her in my life.
"Is that what this is about to you?" She shot out of her seat, pacing up and down the aisle of the bus.
"No, dammit. You know it's not." Had she not paid attention to anything I said? Ever? "You know I want the whole package. But let's be real, other than incredible sex, would anything really change between us if we were together that way?"
I cringed at my ability to, yet again, bring it back to sex, expecting her to storm off the bus, refusing to speak to me. I was more than a little surprised to see that she seemed to be thinking about what I said, hoping that she was realizing we already had everything couples have except for that. We had been best friends for years, we knew each other's deepest secrets and fears and we slept side by side every night. When laid out like that, we had a stronger foundation for a successful relationship than a lot of couples out there.
She had no comeback for my statement other than a shrug, so I decided to push the issue and hopefully get her to laugh a bit. "Okay, so why not end this silly ass game you're playing and say you'll give us a shot? Because you know I'm right, the sex would be epic. Mind blowing. We'll make the crew on the other bus blush."
"You think pretty highly of yourself, don't you?" She laughed. Laughing's better than telling me to go to Hell.
"I do. And you know I'm right." I wrapped my arms around her, pressing her body tightly to mine, hoping she could feel my heart pounding in my chest the same way it did whenever I thought of a future with her. "So, does that mean you're done fighting me on this?"
"You know, you really make me sound like a bitch when you put it that way."
"No, I'm pretty sure you're the one who called yourself a psycho bitch after the last time I brought up the subject. I'm just asking if you're conceding."
"No, I'm not conceding. That makes it sounds like I'm defeated, and that somehow seems the opposite of how I should feel going into a new relationship."
That was all I needed to hear! I jumped out of the bench seat pulling Rain with me. "Thank you!" Without thinking about it, my lips crushed against hers in a series of fast, hard kisses, spinning her around in the aisle. If anyone had told me I would fight for the affection of one woman for five years, I would have told him he was insane. Now, I had, and I finally got through to her.
I leaned against the counter watching her walk to the back bedroom, still trying to wrap my head around how much differently that discussion turned out than I thought it would.
My will to stay in the living area of the bus quickly faded as I pictured Rain alone in our bedroom, naked as she changed for our show. I wanted to see and feel her
bare skin against mine, run my hands along every curve my hands had innocently touched as we slept.
Now that I had her, I intended to do everything possible to show her how much she meant to me. That meant I had to stay strong and resist the urge to make her mine. With so much of our relationship to this point revolving around our band, I wanted to make memories that were only ours, completely independent of anything involving Blessed Tragedy. I wasn't about to cheapen the first time I made love to her by having it be on the back of a tour bus; that was a place previously reserved for meaningless encounters with nameless women.
When I walked into the bedroom, promising myself I was going to do nothing more than talk to my girl, every thought rushed out of my head as she leaned into the closet wearing only a hot pink lace bra and matching bikini panties. I stalked over to the closet, wrapped my arms around her waist and tossed her onto the bed.
As I lowered my body over hers, I kept repeating to myself that I would not take her on the bus, that I had to stop this before things went too far. "You have no clue how long I've waited to do this," I breathed into her ear, gently nipping at her lobe before showering her with gentle kisses along her jaw and back up to her mouth.
I straddled my body over hers, not allowing my weight to rest on top of her. If I felt the heat from her core against me, I was certain I would either explode or lose the ability to wait until we were off tour to have her.
My teeth grazed across her bottom lip, gently tugging, begging entrance into her mouth. Her lips parted slightly, allowing me to taste her cinnamon gum as my tongue explored her mouth. As I deepened the kiss, I felt her hips bucking beneath me, grinding against the already painfully hard bulge in my pants.