by Mia Carson
“I can’t believe you have to leave tonight, Sarah.”
“You know how crazy Coach is. I’m lucky I could get the time off to come here at all during training season,” she said.
“I know,” I replied, smiling. “I just wish we had more time to talk…about everything.”
Sarah looked over at Ash, who was talking with some of his guy friends. “Fuck. He is gorgeous, though, I have to admit,” she said with a grim smile.
“I know! He’s so much trouble.” I sighed heavily.
“Would you like some wine, miss?” asked one of the waitresses.
I looked around before accepting to make sure my mom didn’t see me drinking underage. Sarah took some wine too.
“Since when do you drink?” she asked.
“Since this summer.”
“I can see he’s had an impact on you. Sex. Drinking,” she teased.
“I guess some guys just make being bad so much fun,” I responded. I took a sip of my wine. My mother rushed over to me. I gave Sarah my drink, hoping my mom didn’t notice it. I embraced her tightly.
“Congrats, Mom!”
“Thank you! This has been one of the best days of my life. And Sarah! It’s so nice to see you,” she said, giving Sarah a hug.
My heart sank. I watched my mother and Sarah talk. Mom looked so damn happy. I could never take part in risking her happiness. The realization of this hit me hard.
“I’ll be right back,” I said to Sarah.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, fine. I’ll see you both in a minute.” I made my way to the house. I saw Ash out of the corner of my eye. He followed me. Shit.
The first floor was full of people, so I escaped to the third floor. I went up the secret staircase and was comforted by the sight of the third floor suite. I remembered that Ash and I had had sex here, and my heart sank again. Tears streamed down my face. This was just too fucked up to bear. The stairwell door opened, and Ash walked through, obviously concerned.
“Amy? Are you okay?” he asked.
I shook my head and turned away from him. I didn’t want to see how gorgeous he looked. I didn’t want to know what would never be mine.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his voice lowering. He took a seat beside me on the bed, and I scooted as far away as possible.
“We can’t be together,” I said. He was silent, the reality of our situation seeping in. “Sarah’s parents love me and are always inviting me to stay. She would love it if I were back in San Fran, and I miss my dad.”
“What are you saying?” Ash asked, his voice sounding low and sad.
“I’m leaving with Sarah tonight, and I’ll be gone for the rest of the summer…And forever,” I said, tears streaming down my face.
Ash stood up. He began pacing. I had never seen him look so sad before.
“I have no other choice. I can’t be around you. We can’t escape the reality of our situation—that we just can’t do this,” I said.
Ash sighed and kneeled in front of me. I stared into his gorgeous honey eyes and wanted to lose myself in them. “I know…I know.” He grabbed me gently by the shoulders. I felt comforted by his touch but disturbed by how much I wanted more of it.
“They’re so happy together. This would ruin everything.”
He sighed. “It would. There’s no doubt. Maybe it is what’s best, but…” He stopped, a look of rage coming over him. He got up and growled, slamming his fist into the wall. “Fuck it. I want to make this work. I do all kinds of things in secret. Why not continue to do you in secret?”
He stormed over to me and began kissing me. I kissed him back, but something strong came over me—my protective side. I needed to protect my mother’s happiness at all costs, even if it was a huge cost to me.
“Stop!” I yelled. I pushed him off me.
He stopped and came to rest beside me. A few tears leaked from the corner of his eyes, but he immediately wiped them away. His face hardened, and he got up, staring out the window at the party below.
“I’m going tonight. We’ll pretend this never happened. You’ll see other people, and I will too. Next summer, we’re going to just be stepbrother and sister. This will never be spoken of again,” I said, my voice shaking with sadness.
He looked at me, nodded, and walked away, leaving me alone in the room.
I couldn’t stop crying. I grabbed one of the soft pillows, the softness of it muffling my gasps and miserable cries. I remembered my dad telling me that you knew you were growing up when you made hard decisions despite wanting otherwise. He was right.
Hearing the laughter and music downstairs brought me back to my senses. This was my mother’s day, and I would not ruin it for her. I went to the bathroom and grabbed some toilet paper. I washed away some of my mascara stains so no one would know I had been crying. I noticed that the pillow I’d been using was slightly stained.
“Shit,” I muttered. I took the pillow case off the pillow, threw it under the bed, and tucked the pillow underneath a bunch of fancier ones so no one would notice. I stood there, disturbed by how I had become far too used to hiding things. Not having a secret anymore would be great. I just wasn’t the type of person to lie like this.
I went back downstairs, desperate to find Sarah. I wanted her comfort. She was the only person who knew anything about this, and I wanted to be around someone who knew the truth.
“Hey.” She looked concerned. “What happened?”
“I broke it off with him. It’s over.”
“Oh…that must have been why he left,” she said.
“He left?” I asked.
“Yeah. I overheard him telling his dad he felt sick.”
I exhaled sharply, feeling terrible. “Is it okay if I leave with you tonight and spend the last few weeks of summer at your place? My dad is on vacation, but he’s coming back in a couple of weeks, so I could leave a bit earlier. It’s an emergency.”
Sarah rubbed my arm comfortingly. “Of course. My parents love you. Are your parents going to be okay with you leaving here so early?”
“They’re going on their honeymoon tonight, so it’s not like I would see her much for the rest of the summer, anyway,” I explained. “I just need to get out of here. I can’t spend another minute around him.”
I looked at my mother and Gary posing for a picture. They looked so happy, and I knew in my gut that I was doing the right thing. I wished that my heart would figure it out.
Ashton
Jen cuddled into my shoulder. We were both naked, huddling under the blankets. I opened my eyes, feeling the chill of the fall fill me with cold. I sat up in my bed, looking around my room. The sun was beginning to leak in, which meant I had work soon. I grumbled to myself, still not quite used to getting up this early. I shook Jen gently, trying to wake her up.
“Babe, I have to get ready for work,” I said.
Jen opened her clear blue eyes and made a face. “Ugh. Why do you have to get up for work so early?”
“It’s a full-time job. You can’t be too picky.”
She sat up, rubbing her eyes. “Okay. Let’s shower together.”
“Sounds good,” I replied with a sigh.
I shivered my ass off as I walked to the shower. I turned it on, and steam quickly filled the room. I wasted no time getting into the shower and rubbing body wash all over myself. Jen followed soon after.
“Shit, it’s cold this year,” she said.
“That means winter is coming early,” I teased.
“Please. We all know winter is already here.”
I rubbed soap all over her back, and she smiled, letting out a soft and relaxed sigh. She arched her shoulders into me, responding to my touch.
“There’s nothing like smelling like a man first thing in the morning,” she teased.
“It’s better than smelling like my jizz.”
“Come to think of it, I still feel it all over my face.” She winked.
She helped wash my body, and I
enjoyed her warmth. I closed my eyes tightly, trying to ignore my thoughts, the comparisons I made between her and Amy. When we had sex, I had to keep my eyes open so I wouldn’t pretend it was Amy beneath me. I wondered if she ever noticed my weird behavior, but she was so into having sex with me that I wasn’t sure.
We got out of the shower and dried off, an awkward silence between us. Silences were always awkward because questions about the status of our relationship would always follow.
“So when are we making things official?” she asked.
I took a deep breath and threw my shirt over my head. I searched for my pants, trying not to look at her. I couldn’t deal with the pained expression on her face. “I told you I’m not ready for anything like that. I just want to have fun. I thought you were okay with that,” I said, trying to be honest without being a total douche.
She looked down, disappointed as usual. “I’m not exactly looking to get married, but I would like to know that I’m the only girl you’re seeing. And I know I’m not.”
“I’m not the only guy you’re seeing either, so what’s the big deal?” I asked, exasperated.
“The only reason I’m seeing anyone else is because you’re seeing other people. I want to be just with you.”
I shook my head, buckling my belt. “This is a conversation we can have another time. Right now, I have to get to work. I can’t be late my first year there. It’s not how this kind of business works.”
She rolled her eyes at me, pulling up her pants. “Whatever.” She laced up her boots, got her purse, and left.
I was well used to this routine with her. A part of me wondered if it was wrong that we still hooked up, especially since I knew she really liked me. Not that I didn’t like her at all, but my heart was still set on Amy, even if I could never really be with her.
I grabbed my wallet and car keys, stuffing them into my sweatshirt. I went downstairs and smelled bacon and eggs. My dad also left early to commute to the city, and Emma had to attend to guests at the bed and breakfast.
“Good morning, dear,” Emma said. From behind, she looked so much like Amy. Sometimes, her voice even sounded a bit like her. It was oddly comforting. I sat down at the table and gave her a small wave.
My dad put his paper down and cleared his throat. “I have to say, son, I am proud of you. You went out, got a full-time job, and you’re being consistent.”
“Thanks?” I replied, trying to figure out if that was an insult or not.
“How is your new job going, sweetie?’ Emma asked.
“It’s great. I like being an apprentice. You know, learning new things every day. I constantly feel challenged.”
Emma put a plate of bacon and eggs in front of me. I tucked into the meal, feverishly hungry from the previous night with Jen.
“I asked Jen to stay for breakfast, but she always leaves in a hurry,” Emma said.
I coughed nervously. “Yeah, she has to be at the salon by ten, and I think she wants to take a shower,” I lied.
“I think it’s good she already has a career,” Emma said. “She’s great with nails and hair. Hers always look so perfect. I wish she could help Amy. She’s so stressed over her hair and nails. There’s a dance coming up at school, and she’s going with some guy.”
I nearly dropped my fork on the floor. “What? Who?”
Emma eyed me in a strange way, taking a sip of her coffee. “Someone she met through Sarah. He’s on the soccer team or something.”
“Good for her! It’s nice to see her dating. Usually, she’s way too focused on school,” my dad said.
I stood up. “I’m leaving early today. Want to keep making a good impression, you know?”
“Okay! Have a good day,” Emma said.
I stormed out of the house into the light. The leaves on the driveway crunched under my feet. I opened my car door and slammed it, pulled up my social media app, and checked Amy’s profile, something I tried hard not to do. She was tagged in a photo with some douche. He wore a jersey, and his hair was spiked up. Sarah stood next to them, and they looked like they were having a good time.
“Friends, fun, frolicking,” I said, reading the post out loud.
I felt a bit relieved that Amy called the guy a ‘friend,’ but there was no way the guy wasn’t trying to fuck her. She was far too hot and amazing a girl. I slammed my fist on the steering wheel. I wished I didn’t care. Fuck. I didn’t even have the right to. I was banging Jen; we were basically dating. I’d posted a few pictures of Jen and me, and I wondered if she saw them. Well, if she was hurt, that was her problem.
She wanted this. I moved on. I haven’t been doing anything wrong. And she seems to be into someone else, so that’s that.
I tried to convince myself of this as I pulled out of the driveway, but I wasn’t so sure of the truth anymore. At least I would have my full-time job to distract me, which was actually part of the reason I got the job. When I was at work, my mind was also at work. There was nothing that tinkering couldn’t fix.
I passed by the coffee shop Amy and I used to go to, and my heart sank. I hadn’t gone in there since, even if they had the best coffee. Maybe I could take Jen there so we could make new memories, and the rest would fade away.
My mind lingered on Amy and that soccer player. I would try to work overtime today.
Amy
I loved getting my nails done. Going to the spa could make you feel like a queen, even when you felt like dirt. I did what I told myself I wouldn’t do: I checked Ash’s profile. Plastered on it were pictures of him and that girl, Jen. A part of me knew this would happen. Jen was a competitive girl, and I couldn’t really blame her for trying to win Ash over. Besides, it’s not like Ash and I were together or anything, even if I still wanted to be with him.
Still, though, I couldn’t believe they were dating. I didn’t want to believe they were. Even if I didn’t have the slightest right to care, I did care. Relentlessly.
“I hate her,” I said to Sarah, who was also getting her nails done.
“Who?” she asked.
“Jen. The girl I told you about. Ash is hanging out with her.”
Sarah sighed. “I told you not to look at his profile. It’s like self-mutilation. Besides, you’re going to the dance tonight with Tim. He really likes you, and you guys have a lot of fun together.”
This raised my spirits a little. I loved going to dances and formals. Tim was pretty cute, and I did have a good time when we were together. It wasn’t the same, though. The spark I felt with Ash was like nothing else on this planet, and nothing could ever come close.
“It’s just not the same,” I explained.
“You haven’t given it a chance yet. Just have fun tonight, and try to get it out of your head. Besides, you’re turning twenty-one in a couple of days, so we are going to hit up a bar!” Her excitement was cute.
“True.” The woman doing my nails began applying a top coat of clear polish. “My nails look great,” I said, giving her a warm smile. She flashed me a smile and continued to work. I felt embarrassed that she heard my conversation with Sarah, so I tried to change the subject. “I’m surprised your coach actually lets you guys drink. He’s so strict.”
“He doesn’t. We just don’t tell him,” she said with a wink.
We let our nails dry in the air machine, and I felt a little bit better as we spoke and laughed. Sarah was a great person to talk to when you felt crappy. Still, thoughts of Ash burned in my mind. Maybe I really should give Tim a chance. He was nice, and it would help me forget about Ash.
My phone rang. I answered, holding the phone close to my ear and plugging up my other ear with my finger so I could hear my dad in the crowded shopping plaza.
“Hey sweetie!” he said.
“Hey,” I replied.
“Listen, I wanted to ask if this was okay, but I just got offered a two month HVAC gig at a facility in Germany. They’re putting in a new resort and need people right away,”
he told me.
I smiled, ecstatic. “Oh, wow! That’s so great!”
“Yes. But I wouldn’t be able to have you here for break, and I need to rent out my place in order to cover the costs,” he said, his voice faltering a little.
I took a deep breath. “No problem. I can stay somewhere else. You have to take this opportunity. It’s like a dream come true,” I said, keeping my voice even.
“Thank you, hon. I promise we will spend a lot of time together when I get back.”
“All right! And congrats. We will talk more later. Can’t wait to hear about it,” I said, genuinely happy for him.
“All right! Buh-bye! Love you!”
“Love you too!” I replied, and we hung up. “Shit…”
“What?” Sarah asked.
“I can’t stay with my dad over break,” I said, my heart sinking. Sarah frowned, shaking her head. “You’re going to be gone all month with your parents too, right? On your Alps vacation?”
“Yeah. But you could come,” she said.
“I’m not going to invade your family thing like that. I’ve imposed on them enough. I have no choice but to go to New York for winter break,” I said, my voice shaking nervously.
“But won’t Gary let you use his card for rent?” she asked.
“Yeah, I guess, but it would really hurt his feelings if I didn’t stay there instead.”
“Ugh!” Sarah said. “Are you really going to stay there?”
“I’ll have to. What other choice do I have?” A small part of me was happy—the part of me that wanted to see Ash.
Ashton
“Amy is coming home for break!” Emma said cheerfully.
I nearly spat out my drink. “What?” I asked, disbelief washing over me.
“Her dad has a job in Germany for the next two months, and her friend Sarah is going on some kind of a family trip, so she’s coming here!”
My dad, Emma, and I were hanging out in the den. My dad and I were drinking a beer and watching a game. Emma was knitting, her newest endeavor.