by LJ Evans
Inside, Mama and Daddy were cuddled up next to each other on the couch. Some ancient rerun on the TV. They sat up as I came in. And that made me realize why I couldn’t run away with a sexy musician because there were only three of us in the room instead of four.
“How was it?” Daddy asked while Mama looked me over for bruises and scrapes even though she tried not to let it show.
“Honestly? It was amazing!” I said and sat down on the loveseat, throwing off my flip flops, and curling my feet up under me like I was ten years old.
“Really?” Daddy and Mama both seemed surprised.
“It was so beautiful. And quiet. And… God there was this gorgeous waterfall right inside the mountain.”
“You didn’t freak out at the tight spaces?” Daddy asked with shock.
“Thanks a lot, Daddy.”
“Well…”
“I know, I know,” I said. “I’m not normally an outdoor kinda girl.”
Which is true.
“You’re definitely not a dirt kind of girl,” Mama said.
But Daddy ignored her, and asked, “Was it difficult?”
“There were some really tiny spots, and ladders, and a bit of rock climbing, but I think they took me on an easy course.”
“Who woulda thunk our little Mia would be a cave diver?” Daddy said with a grin.
“So, he headed back to the hotel? When does he leave?” Mama said with something in her voice that made me think she heard some of our conversation on the porch.
“Tomorrow.”
Silence. And I could have left it at that, but I didn’t.
“He wanted me to go with them. Help drive the Camaro back to the West Coast and go caving with them while they’re on their three-week tour.”
More silence.
“Of course, I told him no.”
I couldn’t meet their eyes as I plucked at the fuzz on the quilt that lay on the couch. Why had I even told them all that? I definitely didn’t want to go, did I? On a rock tour? With a steamy hot musician who spoke words that my pieced together heart would have a hard time resisting?
“You should do it,” Daddy spoke quietly.
“What?” Mama and I both said at the same time.
“Mia. You should do this.”
Silence from both Mama and me.
“You have Harry’s wedding in a couple weeks, right? You were going out to San Francisco anyway. This would just get you going sooner.”
I had the best of intentions to go to Harry’s traditional Indian wedding. He was getting married to the girl his family had picked out for him. Personally, I wasn’t sure I could ever agree to an arranged marriage after seeing the love Jake and Cam had for each other. If you saw them, you’d get it. You’d want that deep, universe twirling connection that they had for yourself. They were perfectly fitted together. I guess I wanted to hold out for that. I had hoped I had a chance at it with Hayden.
Harry had called a couple times this month to make sure I was coming to the wedding, but the truth was I hadn’t made the flight arrangements yet. I wasn’t sure what held me back. It was probably related to the mess I was inside these days. Going to a wedding when I felt lonely and heart-broken wasn’t really that appealing.
“You should do this,” Daddy repeated when I still hadn’t said anything.
“You really think I should go across the country with a group of guys we hardly know, spelunking?” I said it in a joking tone, but when I looked up, I could see he really was serious. Mama was serious too, but she looked like she was about to cry. She didn’t like to cry in front of me anymore though, so she got up and headed for the stairs.
Daddy and I were silent again after she left.
“She just needs time.”
“I understand,” I answered.
“No, I don’t think you really do. Not because you don’t want to but because losing a child isn’t something you can comprehend if you aren’t a parent. Your mama lost her baby boy…” Daddy had to pause to get himself together before he continued. “And the thought of losing both her children. It’s just too much to bear some days. But that doesn’t mean we can keep you here wrapped in bubble wrap.”
“It’s ridiculous, anyway. I have a lot to do at the dealership and my classes start soon.”
“Not till the end of August. Sounds like you’d be done with this by then.”
“You’re really telling me I should go?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“For so many reasons, baby girl. But the best one I can give you is because life is too short not to.”
We just let it set. I didn’t commit to anything. Either going or not. I couldn’t. Instead, I got up and hugged him and headed for the stairs with the dirty backpack and ruined Doc Martens. “I’ll think about it.”
“You wouldn’t even have brought it up if you didn’t already want to go,” Daddy said behind me.
I turned and our eyes met. Daddy knew me better than I guessed. But he’d never know the real reasons I had to say no to this. Not the easy ones like the fact that I was scared as hell of being broken even more by a gorgeous musician, but the more serious ones, like I hadn’t done my penance yet.
I turned away and headed up the stairs to my room. I grabbed my stuff to shower in the bathroom that I used to have to fight Jake over. For a guy’s guy, he could take an absurd amount of time getting ready. Especially in high school when he’d been dressing to impress the ladies.
I slipped into a pair of leggings and a t-shirt that were my normal bedtime apparel and left my hair down wet. It would be an unruly mess tomorrow, but I’d deal with it then. I was exhausted both emotionally and physically.
When I got into my room, Mama was sitting on my bed holding my orange and white stuffed cat that I’d had since Jake had won it for me at a school carnival. It was matted and worn, and the neck stuffing didn’t hold the head up, but I hadn’t been able to get rid of it. Instead, it had sat on my bedside table for the last few years.
I threw my dirty clothes in the hamper and turned back to her. She patted the bed, and I curled up beside her.
“I’m sorry I left,” she said.
“It’s okay.”
“No, it’s not, but sometimes it’s hard for me to look past everything we’ve lost to everything we still have.”
My eyes flooded with tears. I wouldn’t cry though. I wouldn’t make Mama feel worse than she already did. I wouldn’t, so I looked down and picked at my comforter like I’d picked at the quilt.
“Life as Jake’s sibling wasn’t easy, and I’m afraid that life without Jake isn’t any easier for you,” Mama said grabbing my hand and running her fingers over the back of it as if she was trying to scrub away all our pain.
“Mama—”
“You should go,” she said as if she had to get it out before she changed her mind. “You never do anything for you. For fun. Without a purpose. The dealership will still be here when you get back. But go do this. Be free. Worry about just you for a while. I’m not sure you’ve ever been able to just worry about you.”
Both my parents had surprised me with their insight into me tonight. Making me realize that the front that I wore so well wasn’t always as good as I thought. Or maybe that’s just parents for you; they can see past the surface hill to the waterfall underneath.
“But do me a favor?” she asked, and I risked looking up at her face because that was what she wanted, and she moved her hand to my face where she rubbed my cheek softly. “Keep me posted so I don’t worry.”
I just nodded. Because if I spoke, I’d be awash with the tears that I was hiding.
“You’re a good girl, Mia,” she said rising from the bed. And didn’t I know that? Wasn’t that really the whole thing in a nut shell? Good Girl Mia knew she shouldn’t go anywhere near Dangerous Derek and three weeks of adventure. But somehow, the Good Girl was losing tonight to some strange rebellious Mia who wanted something more for herself than she was allowed to want.
“Now go live a little.” She kissed me on my head like she had when I was a tween, and then left, her own tears barely in check.
When she had gone, I could let my own roll down my cheeks because I hurt for her and for Daddy and for Jake and for Cam. And all the things they didn’t have because my stupid kidney had failed them.
Jake and Cam had finally gotten together her senior year of high school when Jake had come home to get his diabetes and his kidneys in order. Everyone had been worried, but they’d gone off to Virginia Tech in a world of their own, only to have to come home with him on a dialysis machine. Waiting for a kidney. And, mine had been a match. So we’d begged the doctors to let me give it to him, even though they thought I was too young. Maybe I had been. Maybe my kidney wasn’t ready to be yanked out and put into his body because it had killed him instead of saving him.
I wiped furiously at my tears. I definitely didn’t deserve to go on an adventure and my heart probably wouldn’t be able to take another twisted break. But, I also knew that the feeling I’d had today, not just the lightness, but the sense of normalcy, it was pulling me in like an anglerfish luring in its prey.
And before I could overanalyze it all, I picked up my phone and texted Cam.
ME: Do you happen to have the moron’s phone number?
My phone buzzed in response.
CAM: Cam is still missing her phone. This is Blake. Why do you need the number?
I typed back.
ME: I can’t talk to you about this. Can you please give Cam her phone?
Buzz.
CAM: You okay, kiddo?
That was definitely Cam.
ME: Yes. I just need the moron’s phone number.
CAM: Do I need to send Blake over to kill him?
I was ready to type out the whole thing to her and then I realized that I didn’t want Cam to tell me her opinion. I didn’t want to know if she thought I should stay or should go. Cam always had a way of swaying me to her thinking. I needed to do this on my own.
ME: No! I just need to give him an answer to a question he asked, and I didn’t think to get the number.
She sent the number over via Blake, I was sure.
CAM: Love you.
ME: Love you too! I’ll text you tomorrow. Night. Give my love to Blake.
Then I turned off my light and crawled into bed. I stared at my phone and the number they’d given me for probably twenty minutes. As soon as I sent the text, I wouldn’t be able to stop whatever happened. It would be out of my control, and I really wasn’t so great with things like that these days.
I scrolled through my Ed music and hit “This,” Ed’s voice echoing my own confusion. Would this be the start of something beautiful and new? Or would Derek be the one to make me lose it all? Was I ready to throw away all my good intentions for this? The possibility of a promise of a “this.” A possibility that I knew I hadn’t imagined because Derek was very clear and vocal in his intentions but I also knew that the “this” that he promised was temporary. Three weeks of temporary.
But maybe that was all that I needed. Three weeks to get my head back on straight and maybe forget about the boy who’d broken my heart. Maybe. Because three weeks with Derek, who already made me feel desirable and wanted and…free, might be able to make those wounds feel not so fresh. And then I could come back, and settle down under the weight of the guilt that would never leave me without the broken heart to also go with it.
With fingers that shook, I typed.
ME: Hey, Derek, this is Mia. Mia Phillips. I got your number from Blake, I hope that’s okay. Anyway. If your offer still stands, I think I’d like to come with you guys on your spelunking adventure.
Then I held my breath waiting. I could see the dots come up almost instantaneously that said he was typing back a response. I wasn’t sure if I hoped he’d send a laughing emoji that said he’d just been kidding, or if he’d be glad.
DEREK: Thank God! You just saved me an entirely too embarrassing scenario tomorrow where I planned to show up on your doorstep and beg like you’ve never seen anyone beg before.
ME: Now you’ll think I’m easy.
And I hit send before I could take it back. I clunked my phone against my forehead. God. Easy? Really?
DEREK: You cannot say things like that to me when I’m in the dark in bed.
ME: Don’t be gross.
DEREK: I can promise, there’s nothing gross about it.
ME: I’m regretting I said yes already.
DEREK: No, you’re not.
ME: I seriously do not know what to say to you sometimes.
DEREK: I leave you speechless. That’s good to know.
ME: I wish there was an eye-roll emoji.
DEREK: Can we pick you up at ten?
ME: Does that really mean ten or ten to ten like today? I have to pack for three weeks.
DEREK: No pantsuits!!!
ME: What if that’s all I have in my closet?
DEREK: Then I’ll have to burn them. In a great big bonfire offering to the pantsuit god.
I caught myself before I responded that then I wouldn’t have anything to wear because who knew where he’d take that conversation. My lack of response brought another text from him.
DEREK: I’ll see you at ten.
ME: Okay.
DEREK: Sweet dreams, Mia.
ME: Good night, moron.
And then my phone stopped buzzing. I placed it on my chest. It was heaving in a way that was so unusual for me. That I’d only really felt one other time. The time Hayden had texted and asked me to go out on a date with him. Well it was really to attend this big charity thing with him on his dad’s behalf. But we were going to stay in a nice hotel in the city. He’d broken up yet again with Marcie just the week before, and I knew that this was my chance. My chance to be something more to Hayden Hollister than his vice president in our business fraternity.
I’d bought my green dress and been as excited as a dog in a sprinkler. He’d picked me up with his golden smile and driven me to a golden hotel and we’d had a golden time. And, I’d ended up in his bed after too much wine, that I didn’t even like but that he drank by the bottleful.
When we got back to our reality, I found out that while I’d been dreaming of our new life together, he’d gone and gotten back together with the beauty queen.
So, that whole adventure hadn’t ended very well. Just like I had lots of doubts about this adventure ending well. But I thought that if I knew going into it all, that it was just a three week thing, that I would be okay. That I’d just try, for once in my god forsaken life, to just live in the moment. To just be a twenty-something girl on a crazy adventure with a group of boys who had nothing but pleasure in mind.
It was hopeless to try to sleep. I switched on my bedside light, grabbed a notebook from my pile of unused journals, and started to make a list of things to bring with me.
PERFECT
Stop One
“Baby I’m dancing in the dark, with you between my arms. Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song.”
-Ed Sheeran
TRUE TO HIS WORD, Derek showed up at ten. I am not sure who was more of a basket case, my mama or me. I’d already waffled between not going and going about a hundred times since getting up after a restless night.
I had two bags packed. A medium sized suitcase that was really only half full because I didn’t have very much that was not business clothes. I was either going to have to do laundry every third day or find some more clothes to wear. Next to that was my smaller bag which held my laptop and a handful of books. Because I wasn’t going anywhere without some books. Sure, I had hundreds more on my Kindle app, but there were some books I didn’t go far from in my life.
Derek pulled up in the Camaro. My heart fell to the pit of my stomach like stones in the lake and when I looked at Mama, I could see that she was battling all of her emotions as well. Daddy reached out, grabbed her hand, and squeezed before tuc
king her close up against him.
I wasn’t supposed to be causing them pain. That was the deal I’d made with myself, and yet there I was getting into Jake’s car and driving away with a boy who wasn’t Jake at the helm. So that I could be free. I didn’t deserve it. I swallowed hard.
But now that they wanted me to do this, not going would make them feel equally bad. There was no way out of the emotions I was causing my parents. Guilt hit me hard as it always did. It was part of the reason I was running away. Because, let’s face it, that’s what I was doing. Running.
Daddy handed me a wad of cash, and when I protested, he said he was going to put even more into my account and that I should just think of it as a signing bonus. I told him he was crazy, but I didn’t turn it down. Daddy didn’t usually hand out money like it was free samples any more than he handed out compliments.
Derek jogged up to the steps in his usual uniform of tight, ripped jeans and another tight t-shirt. God, he really was like a Jamie McGuire book boyfriend. My heart pounded crazily, and I couldn’t help a weak smile.
He smiled back, gray eyes flashing.
“Mr. and Mrs. Phillips, good to see you again,” he said, shaking their hands. I could have sworn he grew up in the South instead of Hollywood because everybody knows that Californians don’t know squat about manners.
Daddy held on tight to Derek’s hand. “You’ll take good care of our Mia on this crazy trip.”
“Yes, sir. I’ll look after her better than my guitar, and I promise that’s saying a lot.”
“I’m not a musical instrument,” I said with a huff. He turned those devilish eyes on me, and I knew that if we weren’t in front of my parents, he probably would have made it into a sexual innuendo. My heart pounded. Was I really going to do this?
I went to pick up my suitcase but Derek beat me to it, brushing my hand away, and I couldn’t help but rub the spot where our hands had met. Melting away already. And I was going to spend three weeks in a car with this guy? What on Earth was I doing?