my life as a pop album

by LJ Evans

  He yanked his t-shirt over his head and I stared in wonder at abs so beautifully contoured that I was sure he’d already been an underwear model. He stared at me as I stared at him. I wasn’t entirely sure that I wasn’t drooling. Embarrassingly. Then he popped open his jeans and slid them down over lean hips and a rear end that would have looked brilliant in a football uniform.

  I gulped air.

  He slid in to the covers still watching me. We both laid down, staring at each other, eyes open, with a good twelve inches between us. He yawned. “This is not at all how I envisioned our first night in the same bed going,” he mumbled, eyes drooping.

  “You envisioned us in bed together?” I asked quietly, and his eyes flashed back open.

  “God, Little Bird, since the moment I saw you in that hideous pantsuit at the dealership.”

  I smacked him, hand to bare chest, and he caught it up against him, eyes already shutting again. “But I’m no good tonight. Completely wiped.”

  “Go to sleep, moron,” I said quietly.

  And he already was, with my hand still wrapped in his, held tightly against his chest. I stared for a long time, wondering again what the words wrapped around his wrists said, but it was too dark to see. I wanted to reach out and kiss them. And kiss the small tattoo on his neck. But, instead, I found my own eyes drooping closed just as his had done.

  I felt more relaxed than I had in so very long. Like I had come home. Or maybe like he had come home after a long haul. Like a sailor on a journey coming home to port. And Ed was singing about a Little Bird in my head. Singing about coming inside and laying down with him and staying there to kiss and read the truth in his lips. About holding each other but also about not diving in too soon because that would only lead to heartache.

  And for the first time in a long time, I was still smiling when I entered my dreams.

  FALL

  The Criterion

  “And I will fall for you. If I fall for you, would you fall too?”

  -Ed Sheeran

  A PHONE WAS RINGING. I smacked at mine on the bedside table, but it did nothing to stop the song that I couldn’t quite place, but sounded oddly like Ed’s “Little Bird.” Definitely not my blues ringtone. I hated mornings. I wasn’t kidding. Really hated them.

  When I moved and kicked another body, I squeaked in shock before the night came rushing back into my head. I rolled over to find Derek there, eyes still shut against the daylight that filtered in through the dark hotel curtains.

  The noise was coming from his phone tucked in his jeans on the other side of the bed. How it didn’t wake him up was beyond me. I leaned over him and searched the floor, eventually coming up with his phone and hitting the home button to stop the sound. When I went to pull away, his arm snaked around me and kept me there. Half on top of him.

  I looked down to find his groggy eyes open, and his impish smile stretching his cleft. I couldn’t resist any longer, my finger touched it before I could stop. Like I’d been dying to do since the first day I’d met him. He caught my finger and pulled it to his mouth where he first nibbled on it and then sucked on it gently.

  And oh my God, I was just a rolling blob of bubbling butter. I was toast. He moved from my finger to my wrist, kissing, nibbling, sucking, his eyes watching me the whole time. Curious. Waiting for me to fly or stop him or… I don’t know. Maybe he wanted me to surprise him. Shock him. I couldn’t. Not even when I was trying to be this Other Mia. There was only so much unexpected in my repertoire whether he liked that or not.

  “You look good in the morning, Little Bird.” His voice was scratchy and sexy as hell.

  “You’re beautiful,” is what slipped out of me. I immediately wanted to thunk myself. Ridiculous. I wanted to wave my wand and make it go away.

  He smiled. “I am, aren’t I?”

  I went to pull away, but he caught me tighter around the waist and moved his lips to my inner elbow. Who would have thought that my inner elbow could be an erogenous zone? Not me, but my body was quickly liquifying. Pretty soon he’d have to have someone come scoop me into a bowl to move me.

  His phone started again. This time I knew it was “Little Bird.” I wondered, how long it had been his ring tone. He groaned and reached for the phone I’d placed on the side table, but his other arm still held me tightly against him. He wasn’t letting me fly. Not yet. I wasn’t ready to move because I’d only be able to pour myself onto the floor.

  “What?” he groused. “Shit? It is?” He pulled the phone away to look at it, and I realized he was probably late. We hadn’t set any alarms. Daylight was obvious through the curtain strands. How late was it? I couldn’t check. I was wrapped in a grip so tight that I thought I’d be a permanent member of his chest at any moment.

  “Damn. Give me five.” He clicked off with another groan.

  “You’re late?”

  He nodded but his eyes had returned to mine, searching them for something, and I still wasn’t sure what he hoped to find.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You do that a lot,” he said, still taking me in.

  “What?”

  “Apologize for things that are out of your control. You have nothing to apologize for. I should have set the alarm.”

  “You were too tired to remember.”

  “Mia.”

  “Yes?”

  “Just kiss me.”

  I stared at him for a moment, and then I did. I kissed him! Good Girl Mia kissed him first. True, he’d asked for it, but my lips met his, not the other way around. I wanted to applaud, but as soon as my lips hit his, his hand went to the back of my head and pulled me even closer. His tongue, that had turned my insides to liquid butter, moved inside my mouth in a way that made me crumble all over again.

  My hands went to his hair and his face of their own accord while his hands snuck under my t-shirt to graze the bottom of my braless breast. My breath faltered and my eyes flew back open to meet his.

  He pulled back ever so slightly, removing his tongue from my mouth but leaving his hands where they twirled against the tender skin on the curve of my breast near my side.

  “God… you kill me,” he said, and I could feel how much he wanted me. The push against his briefs that made my whole body tingle.

  “I think it’s been five minutes,” I told him.

  “Who cares.”

  “George.”

  A pounding on his door from the other room made him grimace. “That’s probably Lonnie. He’s the only one stupid enough to come get me.”

  And sure enough, we heard Lonnie’s laughing voice on the other side. “Derek-man, you gotta come on. George is about ready to piss his pants.”

  “I’m coming!” Derek yelled back, but he hadn’t moved. And he hadn’t loosened his hold on my waist.

  “You don’t look like you’re coming,” I said and then instantly regretted it when his smile turned all sexy Puck again.

  “I could very easily be coming. But it wouldn’t be right or fair to either of us.”

  I tugged myself away, and he let me go with a sigh.

  He raised himself out of the bed, tugging on his jeans, and I got a good look at the tattoo on the back of his neck. It was an eagle. Not huge, but with wings spread out, one pointing towards his ear, the other towards his shoulder blade. It was intricately made even though it was only a couple inches long. An eagle. Just like I’d thought he was at the fundraiser. An eagle swooping down to capture, me, the mouse. I wanted to touch it, but he’d already moved away.

  “Shut the door behind me,” he said, and I wasn’t sure if it was to keep Lonnie out or to keep himself from returning to me. Or maybe to keep me out. I laughed inwardly, the smile reaching my face, and he groaned again.

  He came back and kissed me quick like he had the night before, and then slipped out the door without looking back. I got up on shaky legs and shut and bolted the door just as I heard him let Lonnie in on the other side.

  “Dude, you’re never late. You better get you
r ass in the shower before George bans Phillips from traveling with us,” I heard Lonnie’s loud mouth boom out.

  “Like to see him try,” was Derek’s muffled response, and then the shower kicked in.

  I looked down at the clock, surprised to see it was ten o’clock. We’d slept so soundly. I texted a good morning to Mama so she wouldn’t worry, then headed to the shower myself. When I came out, I had two texts. A return from Mama, and one from Derek saying they’d be at the venue until the show, but that he’d leave tickets and a backstage pass for me at the ticket window. He said to come early.

  But that meant I still had at least a seven-hour window to myself. I wasn’t used to time alone with nothing to do. Mostly because I never let myself have it. It was too painful.

  My phone buzzed.

  WYNN: How was the sex?

  ME: Nonexistent.

  WYNN: Oh no! I’m sorry.

  ME: But the kissing was hot. And we still slept together.

  WYNN: Ooooh. You little slut you. Cam is going to have your hide.

  I was smiling again.

  ME: What Cam doesn’t know won’t hurt her.

  WYNN: You think you can keep this from her? She’s going crazy with the baby so close and being on bedrest.

  ME: What?

  And there was the guilt hitting like a snake bite. Why was Cam on bedrest? When had this happened? I’d only been gone two nights.

  WYNN: You didn’t know?

  ME: No!!!! I’m calling her now.

  WYNN: Okay. She’ll probably be pissed that I spilled the beans, but then she’s always known not to trust me with a secret. LOL. Love you.

  ME: Love you too.

  I hit Cam’s picture in my favorites.

  “Hey you delinquent you,” Cam answered.

  “What the hell is going on?” I demanded.

  “Three days with a musician and you’re already swearing. Come home so I can have your mama wash your mouth out with soap.” But there was laughter in her voice, and that made me feel slightly better.

  “Seriously, Cam, what’s up?” I said.

  “God. It’s nothing. They just don’t like how fast all those stupid fake contractions are coming, or maybe they were real contractions too? I don’t know. They want me off my feet for a few days.”

  “Like how long?”

  “Hopefully not long, I’m already going crazy. And you know Blake, if I even try to set a toenail on the floor he’s manhandling me back to bed. He literally carried me to the bathroom last night before I punched him in the gut.”

  “You did not?”

  “I did too. I can pee by myself, thank you very much.”

  “But other than that, you and the baby are okay?”

  “Yeah. They just don’t want me to go into labor six weeks early. They’re trying to get me to go another couple weeks.”

  And all I could think was that it was just like Cam to not wait the full term on anything. She wasn’t good at waiting. I was surprised as all get out that she’d agreed to Blake’s wish to not know the sex of the baby.

  “I’m going to come home.”

  “Don’t you dare, I’m not even home. I’m back in Nashville.”

  “Then I’ll come to Nashville.”

  “If you show up here, I’ll lock you out.”

  And Cam would. You never went against a determined Cam because you always lost. I wasn’t sure how Blake did it because he seemed to win more than his fair share against her.

  “Are you having fun?” The laughter was back in her voice.

  “We haven’t done any spelunking again yet. That’s tomorrow.”

  “Is that what the kids are calling it now days?” More laughter.

  I flushed even though she couldn’t see me. “It’s not like that.”

  She laughed harder. “Like I said, you can tell your mama that, kiddo, but you can’t keep the truth from me.”

  Jake used to call me kiddo. Cam had too, but not as often as she did now with Jake gone. Sometimes I wondered if his soul had embedded itself into her when he’d died. After all, he hadn’t been able to live without her in life, why would death be any different? And there was still so much of him that seemed to surround her.

  “Seriously,” I finally responded.

  “Has he kissed you?”

  Silence.

  “Details!”

  “It was nice.”

  “Nice!!! Jesus. I’m sending Blake after him. A hot guy like that shouldn’t be kissing nice.” She sounded thoroughly insulted on my behalf, and I had to laugh.

  “God. You’re awful. It was way more than nice, okay? It was… earth-shattering.”

  “Now that’s better.” Cam was smug.

  “I’m hanging up now.”

  “No! Don’t go! I’m bored to tears. Tell me something else. What’s the rest of the band like?”

  I spent the next hour talking to her about the band, and karaoke and how Derek and I had gotten lost. How he was reading to me as I drove, and how I felt more comfortable with him than I had anyone in forever. Maybe ever. And she listened, which wasn’t something Old Cam had been good at, but New Cam worked hard to do.

  After that, she had to pee and I had to attend to the gnawing hunger that was chewing its way through my stomach. So, I went down to the café and found a sandwich and wandered out to a park down the street to do some reading.

  But instead of reading, I found myself looking at the pictures I’d taken and posted over the last couple days. I’d posted pictures of the caving trip and the karaoke bar and the scenery.

  I scrolled back slowly through my pictures, years’ worth, until I got to the one that always made me stop. It was of Jake and Cam. He’d pulled her up against him, with his chin leaning on her head and her arms wrapped around him. Her eyes were closed with a peaceful smile on her face. They had fit perfectly together. As if God had molded them as one cookie before dividing it down the middle and sending it to earth.

  I loved and hated this picture because it made me wish all over again that I could have taken Jake’s place. He had so much to live for. So many people who were looking to him. I hadn’t even had a best friend past eighth grade once Harry had moved away. I had just floated around at the edge of Cam’s world.

  When I’d met Hayden, I’d wanted so badly to be the other half of his cookie like Cam had been Jake’s. I’d wanted to fit in his world and in his arms like God had made me just for him. But I hadn’t. Not even when he told me things I knew he never told Marcie about his dad and the App World that his dad ran and that he wanted so badly to take over.

  But I guess God or destiny or whatever is out there knew best, because the truth was that even if Hayden had chosen me, it wouldn’t have worked. I wouldn’t have been able to go with him. I had a family that I couldn’t leave. I had a dealership to run so Daddy and Cam’s daddy could retire. And I wasn’t just taking it over because I felt responsible. I liked the dealership. I liked the people, and the community, and how we could help people get the vehicles they needed in their lives. So maybe destiny had made Hayden choose Marcie so that I wouldn’t be tempted to leave behind the things that I needed more than belonging to someone as their other half.

  My alarm went off, reminding me that I needed to go get ready for the show. But, I wasn’t smiling anymore. I was wondering again how in all that is holy I had ended up on a spelunking adventure with a musician who promised me nothing but kisses and charm.

  I couldn’t quite shake my morose as I showered and straightened my hair again and then put on a new black A-line tank and my new jeans, which I knew I’d regret in the heat, but went with the tank so nicely. I finished it off with my new patterned wedges and looked in the mirror on the closet. I was amazed at how normal I looked. How twenty-something. Instead of the old-before-my-time look that usually accompanied my reflection.

  I was still Mia. But Mia with an edge that had never existed. Cam would be proud. Wynn would be shocked. Jake and Mama would have told me to go change. An
d Hayden? I didn’t know what Hayden would have thought. Did it matter?

  Just as I was getting ready to leave, I got a text from Derek.

  DEREK: Hey Miss Mia, have you left yet?

  ME: No. Was almost ready.

  DEREK: Can you do me a huge favor?

  ME: Ummmmmm…

  DEREK: Get your mind out of the gutter, Phillips.

  I laughed. And it felt good after the melancholy I’d felt all afternoon.

  DEREK: Can you pick up our food order at Aristotle’s? It’s next to The Criterion. I’m sure your Google Map thingie will tell you where. No food here, and Mitch is already whining about his blood sugar.

  ME: Sure, no problem.

  DEREK: Sorry to make you run errands. That isn’t why you’re here.

  ME: Who’s apologizing now.

  DEREK: Hurry! I need to see you.

  I didn’t respond. I couldn’t. When was the last time anyone had “needed” to see me? Never—that’s the honest to God’s truth. And my parents didn’t count. Parents needing to see you was completely different because that was normal and expected. But this… this need… I realized I didn’t even require fancy words to make me turn to mush in the mush pot. Just those five simple words, “I need to see you.”

  I took a Lyft to the restaurant and a guy at the counter had to help me to the car with the boxes of pizza and pasta. It was a crazy amount of food for the five guys which begged the question of who else was with them backstage?

  Thank God the Lyft driver knew his way around the venue and could drop me off at the back entrance after Derek cleared it with security.

  Mitch and Lonnie met me at the back door. Mitch came out first and dead stopped, making Lonnie run into him like a cartoon character which made me smile.

  Mitch whistled.

  “Holy Crap, Phillips, you look good.”

  “Dude.” Lonnie pushed him aside and took me in. Neither of their appraisals made me tingle. Only one person could do that these days it seemed. Instead, it just made me happy. Heart lifting again from my funk like it always did around this band of crazies.