by LJ Evans
There was Hayden. Normal, perfect, golden boy Hayden in his typical uniform of dress slacks and a button-down shirt that he had tailor made for him even though it was easy enough to buy one at the mall. His Rolex flashed when he pushed a hand through his tawny hair as he got up from the stool he’d been perched on at the hotel bar. There was a smile on his face that made me think, for the very first time, of the sleazy car salesmen we avoided like the plague at our dealership.
It was then that I realized it. I’d fallen for a sleazy car salesman! And that made me smile at myself because I knew better. Hadn’t my daddy warned me off of just this kind of person my whole life?
I realized my mistake instantly because Hayden thought the smile was for him as he made his way toward me. The whole time, he was taking in the entirety of me in my twenty-something outfit with my straightened hair and kohl eyes. And his smile widened at the New Mia.
“Wow,” he said, as he leaned in to kiss me, but I turned my face so he got a cheek. “You look fabulous.”
I was still stunned. I didn’t know why he was here, or how he’d found me. Had he found me? Had he come here for me? To this hotel? Or would he say it was just my crazy imagination? It didn’t seem like my imagination and it didn’t quite seem like a coincidence either.
“How?” I puzzled, my astonishment evident.
He laughed. The laugh that used to draw my eyes and hold them. I realized now that instead of sounding confident, his laugh actually sounded fake. Haughty. There was another laugh that I loved now. One that was always honest and real. Not this hollowed out falseness that was the golden boy’s in front of me. I wanted to thunk old Mia’s head for falling for this.
“I hope you don’t mind. I saw that you were here, so I thought I’d see if you wanted to have dinner.”
“You saw that I was here?”
“Your Instagram post.”
It hit me then. I had posted the hotel lobby.
“So you just decided to show up? Like some stalker?”
He chuckled. He didn’t think I was serious. But I was.
“You didn’t respond to my text.” His tone scolded me as his eyes raked my body again.
“What do you want, Hayden?” I said, crossing my arms over my chest which, unfortunately, just dragged his eyes to my size E’s. I rolled my eyes inwardly.
“Come have a drink with me.” He grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bar, but I dug my heels in and pulled away. He turned to me with a frown.
“I have plans.”
He took me in again. “I can see that.” His smile was so slimy. Almost as bad as Derek’s dad. Holy macaroni, how had I thought I loved this man?
“I can’t be late,” I told him.
And as if Derek could sense my thoughts and discomfort over the few blocks that separated us, my phone buzzed with a text.
DEREK: You almost here?
ME: Still at hotel. Hayden showed up.
DEREK: What the fuck?
ME: Getting rid of him.
No response from Derek. I put my phone in my back pocket and looked up at Hayden.
“You look different. Good. But different,” he said with that same squalid smile that I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen before.
“I am different,” I said.
He seemed perplexed by my attitude. And this really wasn’t his fault. I’d always caved to Hayden. I’d always done whatever he wanted and dropped any plans to be with him.
Somewhere inside of me a lightbulb went on. I saw it so clearly. My shrink from long ago probably would have nailed it in two seconds if I’d continued to see her. But, I realized now, that I’d never trusted myself to be anything more than someone’s sidekick. I’d wanted to be out of Jake and Cam’s shadows, but I’d run right into someone else’s. I’d never been willing to stand in the sun on my own. I guess I hadn’t believed that I could be anything more than invisible. But not anymore. Now I wanted to be seen. Especially by one man.
“Come on, one drink? You can be a little late,” he said with that knowing smile that had always won him everything he wanted.
“No, I really can’t.”
“Jesus, Mia, don’t make things difficult. Have a drink with me. I have a job proposal for you.”
He grabbed my elbow and tried to steer me towards the bar again. I pulled away one more time. “Stop pulling on me.”
I said it louder than I meant, and I realized we were starting to draw eyes.
“You’re making a scene,” Hayden said with a hiss because he hated that kind of attention almost as much as Good Girl Mia did.
Hayden looked around us and shoved his hands in his pockets. He looked like Dylan Waters a bit. They were both men who were used to getting their own way and didn’t like it when anyone upset their perfect vision of the world.
Regardless, he seemed to sense that I wasn’t ready to tag after him yet, so he tried a different tact.
“I’d rather talk about this over a drink. Or dinner. But I have this great opportunity at my company that I wanted to offer you.” He meant his dad’s company. It wasn’t his, but he always acted like he was CEO when in fact he was just a director on the way to becoming a V.P.
I just waited. I wondered if he expected me to say yes already. Probably because I would’ve in the past. I would have jumped at the opportunity to be near him.
“Do we really have to do this standing in the lobby?” The irritation in his voice was becoming more and more evident.
“I didn’t ask you to come find me.”
He waited as if I’d beg him for the information, and when I didn’t, he continued.
“It’s director of advertising. We can give you an easy six figure salary with bonuses and stock on top.” He smiled again. The smile that usually closed his deals without a handshake or a contract to back it up.
“I have a job.”
“Sure. But this could give you way more money and exposure than running your dad’s dealership.”
“I like running the dealership.”
And that was the truth. I liked running the dealership just like I liked baking and reading and spending time with my family. I liked simple things that others thought were boring, but to me, just meant that I was home.
I could tell that Hayden didn’t believe my response. Which was mostly my fault because in all the four years that Hayden and I had been friends and I’d drooled after him, he’d never seen the real Mia. The Mia that loved all these simple things that to him meant nothing.
“But it’s a car dealership,” he said with shock.
And this brought out sassy New Mia. Mia who got angry.
“That my family owns. That I’ll own when my dad turns it over to me in September. It’ll be my company. I’ll be in charge,” I said, trying to rub in the fact that he wouldn’t be in charge of his dad’s company for a long time, if ever.
He hadn’t expected this. That Mia Phillips would own a company at twenty-two.
“I’ve missed you, Mia,” he said, changing tactics one more time. This just made me more puzzled than ever.
He smiled at what he perceived to be my hesitation and reached his hand out to touch my bare arm. In the past, this would have made me so happy. I would have thought it a tender move. That he was offering me something. Instead, I was disgusted. I took a step back.
“How’s Marcie?” I asked.
This made him grimace. “Making wedding plans.”
“You’re getting married?” I said with my own surprise.
He shook his head. “I haven’t proposed, no.”
And then I just laughed because I couldn’t help it. Wasn’t that so typically Hayden? Overwhelmed and unprepared and wanting to be the big shot while everyone else did the work. And now it was catching him in the pants because he was going to be roped into a marriage he didn’t want. One he’d never wanted.
My laughter made him growl. “I don’t think there’s anything to laugh about, Mia.”
“So just tell her you don�
�t want to get married.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Isn’t it?”
“No.”
And right then I realized that I was wasting my breath. That I’d already not only shut this door but had gone a good way towards obliviating it, and that now I was just giving Hayden way more energy and time and space than he deserved. He had never truly earned any of my time and energy and space, and, besides, I had a sexy musician that I loved waiting for me.
“I have to go.” I stepped around him towards the exit.
“You’re leaving?” His voice was full of shock again.
I turned back. “Yes, Hayden, I’m leaving.”
Before I could register it, he’d closed the distance and pushed his lips against mine. In a kiss that was wet and slobbery and nothing like the demanding passion of Derek’s. It made me gag. Full gag reflex, and I pulled back and slapped him.
“What the fuck?” he snarled.
“What part of ‘I’m leaving’ made you think I wanted you to kiss me?” I stormed at him.
“You’ve always—”
“—wanted you to kiss me? Yes. That was true. In the past. But this might surprise the bejeezus out of you, Hayden, but I have a boyfriend, and a career, and a life that I love way more than I ever loved you.”
He just stared, his knuckles pressed against the cheek I’d slapped.
I felt just a tinge of guilt. It wasn’t his fault. I had done this. I’d followed him around and come running whenever he snapped. I hadn’t ever done anything that would make him think that I’d tell him no. He’d come searching for me in hopes of getting laid or maybe of getting someone to do his dirty work like I’d done all the hard work in our fraternity. And Hayden wasn’t used to being told no.
“Good luck, Hayden. With the company, and Marcie, and the wedding. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t contact me anymore, it upsets my boyfriend.”
I turned and walked out. I didn’t look back. I didn’t care what he looked like. And I felt proud of myself because I’d made another huge step forward today. I was leaving behind my old skin and turning into this new version of Mia that I actually liked. It was the first time I’d liked myself in a really long time. If ever.
Lyrics streamed through my head, and I realized that once again, the great philosopher, Ed Sheeran was right. That you had to first save yourself before you spent time and energy on others. That you had to love yourself in order to be loved. You had to stop blaming the world. Stop blaming golden boys. Stop blaming a dead brother. Stop blaming the guilt. Stop blaming your conscious. Just be who you were and let everything else fall into place.
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL?
Love
“I’ll be taking my time, spending my life, falling deeper in love with you.”
-Ed Sheeran
AS I EXITED THE lobby, my heart was soaring. Not because I had put Hayden in his place, but because I was going to see Derek. Because I was going to get to feel his fingers tangled with mine. Because I’d get to stand next to him while he twirled my hair up to my lips and caressed them with fingers callused from playing the guitar. That I’d feel wanted and beautiful.
I’d get to be with the man I loved. Nothing else mattered. Not time. Not space. Not miles. Not realities. Just the love we had for each other. Hope filled me completely in a wave so strong that I couldn’t push it aside. I didn’t want to.
The fog had settled in early tonight. It was hard to see very far in front of me as I went to get into the taxi line, but then I heard my name again. But this time, it was from lips that I loved to kiss, and when I turned, there was Derek, appearing through the fog like he had just apparated there.
“Derek.” I flew to him. Little Bird flying to the eagle.
He held me up tight against him where I belonged as if I was part of his chest. Where I simply belonged.
“What are you doing here?” I said as I took in in the scent that I loved. That lemony guitar oil and muskiness that was so completely Derek.
“Where is the asshole?” Derek asked.
I looked up. “You came because of Hayden?”
“Asshole shows up at the hotel unasked. Of course, I did!”
I smiled probably the largest smile of my lifetime because I’d never had anyone go all jealous over me. I’d never had anyone care that much. I buried my head into his chest again because I was afraid that if I didn’t, I’d lose it. Tears of happiness instead of pain and guilt. But I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to ruin my kohl and this moment.
And right then, filled with happiness and closure and love, I let it all burst out of me. “I love you,” I said into his chest. It was quiet, but I knew he heard it because I felt his arms tighten around me. Drawing me even closer.
“Thank God!” he said with equal parts relief and teasing in his tone.
I looked up again to smile at his gorgeous face. His face that was smiling back at me, cleft stretching in that way that had quickly become my whole world.
“This would be the time for you to say it back.”
“No time, Little Bird, no time. George is going to kill me because we are going to be so fucking late.”
“Holy macaroni! Your show!”
He chuckled, “Don’t worry. Lonnie’s driving. He’s like an indie race car driver. Or maybe more like those guys from Fast and Furious. We’ll be there in no time.”
“Lonnie’s with you?”
Derek nodded as he kissed my temple.
“He wouldn’t let me come alone. He was afraid I’d go all serial killer.”
Derek pulled me by my hand back into the fog where we found the SUV with Lonnie behind the wheel grinning like the madman I knew him to be. Derek dragged me onto his lap in the passenger seat, and we strapped ourselves into the seat belt in a completely unsafe way that would have had the old me screaming safety rules.
Lonnie spun out into the street causing people to slam on brakes and honk all around us. I gasped, “Maybe I should drive.”
“I’ve got this,” Lonnie said still with his crazy smirk. Then he turned serious. “Did you beat the shit out of lover boy?”
“Of course not,” I responded, slightly offended.
Lonnie laughed hard. “Not you, sweet cheeks, I was talking to my man.”
“I didn’t even see the bastard, Phillips had already left him in the dust.”
“Good for you.” He reached his hand out for me to high-five, making the car careen wildly.
“Just drive, you big idiot,” I said with a smile.
“Hey, I have my own nickname now?”
I eye-rolled him. “If you want idiot to be your nickname, more power to you.”
“You call him moron and then sleep with him, so idiot can’t be that bad.”
Before I would have flushed a thousand shades of red at the reference to me sleeping with Derek, but the new, sassy me just smiled. Even though Derek hadn’t said “I love you back.” Even though he had said there was no time for I love you.
We were twenty minutes late when we pulled up out front of the venue. There was a line waiting to get in that wrapped around the block and reminded me again that this man I was with was going to be singing himself into fame and fortune. The bouncers started to chew us out, but then saw Derek. He tossed one of the overgrown Wreckin’ Ralphs the keys and asked them to park it for us, as we flew through the doors towards the stage.
Derek hadn’t let me go, and I pulled hard once we hit the steps. “Where should I sit?” I said.
He just ignored my tug and my words and pulled me up with him and held my fingers tightly with his as he grabbed the mic from the MC and I continued to pull in the opposite direction.
“Hello, San Francisco!” he hollered into the mic, and the crowd cheered crazily while eyeing me like I was a fly that flew into their iced tea. “I’m sorry we’re late, but I had to save my lady from a monster.”
The world erupted in laughter, applause, and whistles.
“And I’
m afraid I owe you all another apology. You see, I’m going to kick off our show with a song that doesn’t belong to us.”
The crowd quieted down, as intrigued as I was nervous.
“You see, my lady, my Little Bird here, she’s an Ed Sheeran fan.” The audience was a mix of groans and whistles because Derek’s music and Ed’s music were not the same. Both good, but in very different ways. And I was surprised that he remembered that I liked Ed Sheeran so much.
He grinned at me, that gorgeous BB grin that made my insides and heart and soul turn to puddles every single time.
He turned back to the audience and waved for them to quiet. “I know. I know. But I went and got permission from our man Ed so that I could sing this one song for her.”
His guitar was pressed into his hands by Lonnie, and he had to let me go, and I looked for an escape route for the second time this evening.
“Don’t you dare,” he said into the mic, but it was directed at me.
And then he broke into, “How Would You Feel.” And I couldn’t go anywhere even if I’d wanted too. I was frozen to the spot as he sang one of my top three Ed songs that would now be my favorite forever. Because, how would I feel when he told me he loved me like it was something he just had to do? How would I feel if we really spent our life falling deeper in love? How did I feel after I’d just told him I loved him, and now he was telling me that too? How did I feel? Well, I felt like my life had just begun.
* * *
“Rise and shine, Little Bird,” Derek spoke quietly in my ear, his breath tickling my neck and sending goose bumps of pleasure down my body.
But holy Twizzlers, even with the temptation of him, it was too early. It had to be before five a.m. We’d barely fallen asleep three hours ago.
“It’s an almost three-hour journey out to the caverns.” He laughed at me as I groaned and turned my head away. And then he grabbed my foot, tickled it, and pulled me to the edge of the bed before I could stop him.
He caught me in his arms, setting my feet on the ground as he always did. “I take it all back. I hate you,” I said, but I was already smiling, and he was too.
Rob and Trista left as we did, taking the bus up to Oregon while the rest of us drove out to the California foothills. Derek let Lonnie drive, which I thought was a mistake after the misadventures last night, but I also loved because it meant I got to ride in the back seat, snuggled up next to Derek where I was able to snooze again for most of the journey.