by LJ Evans
And I wanted to cry because somewhere out there was a boy who wanted to make sure I was okay more than anyone else in the world, and we were no longer together.
It was almost as if none of the last two weeks had happened. If I didn’t have my splinted arm and bruises to remind me, I might have thought it had all been a dream. A really sexy dream in a romance novel. Except I couldn’t see the happily ever after for this one.
Faster than I had expected, the hospital lights greeted us. We texted Mama to ask where they were, and she said Cam had come out of surgery and that her and her new baby boy were just fine. They had taken them to a room in the maternity ward.
But all I could think was that Cam had had a boy, and what that would have meant to Jake.
We made our way up to the maternity ward. Mama was waiting in the hall and as soon as she saw me, she put a hand to her mouth in shock. She dropped everything and ran to me. “Mia?”
“I’m okay, Mama. I promise. Just a little scare.”
“Is… are…” She couldn’t ask, and I saw the fear flash in her eyes and felt the guilt overwhelm me again because I was causing her anxiety when she didn’t deserve it.
“Everything’s okay.”
She hugged me so tight that it hurt, but I didn’t make a peep because I was afraid I’d undo the relief I’d seen take over her face in that instant before her arms had surrounded me.
“You should have called me,” she told me fiercely into my hair.
“I’ve already told her that,” Daddy said. Which he had. He’d chewed me out about not letting them know. But, it didn’t change what had happened. And I knew I’d do it all the same even if I had it to do over again.
“You had enough to worry about,” I told her with a smile.
Mama looked me in the eyes. “Mia, don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?”
“Make light of it. I know I worry too much. It isn’t your fault. It isn’t anyone’s fault. I’m working on it.” She smiled weakly and got all teary-eyed.
“Stop or Cam will never let you in to see the baby, you know she hates tears,” I chided her.
She smiled, a watery one, but still a smile. Daddy took her hand, and she held on to my good one, and we made it into the room.
Blake was there, smiling so big that I thought he’d lose his whole body inside it. And his parents were there, and his grandparents, and Cam’s parents. Wynn was in her nurse’s garb. The room was already crowded with people, but Cam lit up when she saw us.
“Better late than never, kiddo,” she quipped. Her smile was a tired smile, but a Cam smile. A smile that Jake had loved, and it twisted my heart because he should be there. He should be there to see the dark-haired bundle that she was holding up against her chest. The tiny blue blanketed body that should have been his.
And then I had to carefully hold back my own tears because Cam would kick me out as easily as she’d kick Mama out if she caught me crying. I eased my way over to her, and Blake’s face went from smile to shock as he took me in, bruises, splint, and all.
“I’m going to kill him,” he said frowning.
“He already tried to commit hari-kari himself,” I said with a smile.
“How dare you walk in here and upstage my labor of love with all of that,” Cam said, laughing at me and my ugly, broken appearance.
“Someone’s gotta keep you in your place,” I said, and I hugged her and kissed the little bundle on its tiny, smooth cheek. And then I whispered to her, “You’ve got a baby.”
“I know. Shocker. It just hit me out of the blue. Had no idea it was coming.”
“Everything good?” I asked her.
“Everything’s perfect,” she said, and she squeezed my hand.
Everyone jostled to hold the baby, and I snuck out to the hall and out to the terrace where I called Derek like I said I would.
“Hey,” I said when he answered.
“Little Bird,” he said, and my heart jumped at his voice like I was sure it would always do. “How are you?”
I couldn’t help loving how he asked how I was first before he asked about Cam or anyone else. He asked about me. Because Derek put me first. It was hard to fathom anyone putting me first.
“I’m good. Tired, but good.”
“Have you had anyone check your urine values yet?”
“So sexy when you talk to me that way,” I teased.
“Mia!”
“I will. I just left Cam’s room.”
“How is she? The baby?”
“They’re both good. Beautiful. Strong. Happy.”
“The baby is happy?” he teased.
“Well, I’m sure it will be. Blake had a smile so big I thought he’d break the windows with it. What baby wouldn’t be happy to be a part of that?”
“Our baby,” he said back quickly.
I stopped my pace around the terrace. “Wh-what?”
“Our baby. Our baby will only be happy to be a part of us.”
Silence because my brain wouldn’t function. How could it? I was a sucker for words. Words like that. But these words were double edged because they were insanely sweet and yet also painful because they talked about a future when we didn’t even know how we were going to get to tomorrow.
“I don’t know what to say to any of that.”
He chuckled on the other end. “Don’t say anything. Don’t ruin my image of you all sweaty holding up a little bundle with my cleft chin.”
“Who says it’ll have a cleft?”
“Genetics.”
“Then screw that. No baby for you.”
“You love my cleft.”
And I did. I loved the way it stretched when he smiled. I loved the way it felt when I touched it. I loved how it led to my finger being in his mouth when I allowed myself to touch it.
My heart flooded with hope at the same time that my brain reminded me that I would just have to squash it again later.
“I have to go,” he said, but he sounded like he regretted it.
“Okay. I’ll try to call tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
When I hung up, I missed him already. I missed his arm around me. I missed his smile. And I knew tonight that I’d miss his body tucked up against mine like we were the last two pieces in his eagle puzzle. Pieces that didn’t make sense and yet belonged.
When I went back, we all said goodnight and promised to see each other in the morning, and I got in the cab of the truck with Mama and Daddy and we drove to a hotel. Somewhere along the way, I fell asleep, and woke up on Mama’s shoulder like I had fallen asleep a million times when I was a little kid.
She smiled at me. I squeezed her hand.
* * *
My phone was ringing. Except that I was pretty sure it wasn’t my phone, it was Derek’s. Derek had ‘Little Bird’ as a ring tone, not me. I slammed the home button.
It started singing again.
Mornings. Have I mentioned, I hate them? Even more so now that I was waking up by myself, still in a hotel room, but one miles away from the sexy BB that I loved.
“What?” I groused into the phone.
“Miss Mia. Up and at ‘em,” Derek laughed.
My heart leaped at his voice. God help me.
“Did you change my ring tone?” I growled.
“Now you’ll know it’s me calling,” and what could you say to that?
“What time is it?” I asked, trying to let my grouchiness wash away in his voice.
“It’s seven here, so it has to be nine there,” he said.
“What?”
I sat up, grimacing at the pain, and looked at the bedside clock, and sure enough, it was nine o’clock. My whole body groaned at me, agony radiating through ever part.
“Did you have your labs taken?”
Nope, I hadn’t. “Yep,” I told him.
“Liar,” he said, but he wasn’t mad. And I loved that he could read through my lies and call me on it as no one ever did.
“I was tire
d. And forgot. I’ll have it done today, I promise.”
“Okay.”
“You’re not mad?”
“Pissed as hell, but nothing I can do about it. If I was there, you wouldn’t have forgotten. Can only be mad at myself for letting you talk me out of going with you.”
“What time do you get to the venue?”
“Later.”
“That’s specific.”
“I know,” and then he added, “whatchya wearin’?”
His sexy tone made me go to mush even though I knew he’d changed the subject on purpose.
“Clothes.”
“Sassy pants. Miss Mia the sassy pants. I’m kicking myself for ever letting her out of her box.”
“You didn’t let her out.”
“Sure, I did.”
“Conceited, schmuck.”
“Yep.” I heard someone in the background talking to him “I have to go, but I wanted to hear your voice.”
Which just thrilled me as he always did. My hopeful heart was saying that we’d be okay. My Good Girl Mia, Doubting Thomas, was saying that this would fade in time.
“We’re going back to the hospital today to see Cam and the baby, but then I think we’ll go home.”
“I figured.”
“I’ll call when I can.”
“Okay.”
Silence.
“Little Bird?”
“Hmm?”
Silence.
“See you soon.”
“Okay. Bye.”
And we hung up. I tried not to dwell on the fact that neither of us had said, “I love you.” I tried not to dwell on the fact that we had thousands of miles between us and no plan to see each other past Derek’s promise that it would happen.
* * *
I called my doctor at home and he made arrangements for the Nashville hospital to rerun all my labs. He said he’d call with the results. He also told me I should probably be more careful with the sports I picked. Even though I’d found that to be true, I couldn’t help but smile because no one had ever said anything like that to me in my entire life.
When we got to the hospital, Mama and Daddy took off to the maternity ward and I headed off to the lab.
When I’d finished being poked and prodded, I went up to see Cam. When I got to her room, it was just Cam and the baby. She waved me in. “Hey kiddo,” she said.
“Hey back,” I said. “Where is everyone?”
“Went to get coffee, which just means they needed to talk about me behind my back as usual.”
She held out the little bundle and I took him, sitting next to Cam on the bed, looking at the sleeping red faced baby. I wondered what differences would have been in his tiny features if he’d been Jake’s.
“Do you think you and Jake would have had a baby?” I breathed out and glanced from the sleeping face to her own.
Cam shrugged. “I don’t know.” But she was thinking about it. I could tell. “I’m not sure there was ever room for anyone else in our lives. When Jake and I were together, there wasn’t anything else. Does that make sense?”
It did. Because, if you had seen them together, you would understand. They were completely absorbed in each other. They were one being. It was why it had been so hard on her when he’d died.
“Plus, he was really concerned about passing the diabetes on. When we were younger, he used to say he was never getting married or having kids because he wouldn’t do that to another human being,” she was sad and it made me kick myself, as I always did, when I made her sad.
We just let it settle in between us. Jake and the baby and our love for each other and my dead brother.
“He’d be proud as shit of you,” she said with a smile and a laugh that lightened my heart.
“How do you figure?” I asked.
She waved at my splint and beat up face. “Livin’ the daring life. He worried you’d never step outside of your books.”
“He did not! He didn’t even think about me.”
“He did, goofball. All the time. And I think he would want to ask Derek to step outside and prove himself.”
“I think Derek could handle it.”
Cam laughed. “Quite the man, is he?”
I flushed. “You’re awful.”
“Do you love him?”
“More than words.”
“That’s a lot coming from the book girl.”
“Yep.”
“So what’s going to happen now?”
My turn to shrug. Because I didn’t know. He had a life that he belonged to in a mansion in L.A., even if it didn’t seem to fit him. I had a life that fit me here, but was now missing a chunk of what would make me whole. He had a band, a tour schedule, fans. I had a car dealership and a family I couldn’t leave.
“He’s got a fan club,” I said with a laugh, changing the subject.
“No way?”
“Yep. And they’re sexy and very, very forward.”
“Good thing he has his own sexy, then,” she quipped back.
Blake came bounding into the room with that positive energy that was so Blake and took the baby from my arms without even asking. I guessed that was okay since it was his baby after all. He kissed me on the cheek and then grinned at all of us.
“Did you tell her?” Blake asked.
Cam shook her head.
“Tell me what?”
“We’ve finally agreed on a name,” he smiled again his big Blake, goofy smile.
“You agreed with yourself,” Cam grumbled.
“Mia, meet Mayson Carter Abbott,” he said proudly.
I swallowed hard. Carter after Cam’s dad. Carter was Jake’s middle name too. It was a family tradition… family. Jake should be here.
“That’s lovely,” I said, trying hard to hold back my tears.
“Don’t you dare cry or I will too,” Cam said.
I didn’t believe it. Cam didn’t cry, she just punched things. I guess that wasn’t true, she had cried for a long time over my brother.
People filtered back into the room and I lost myself in the feeling of being with family. It was a place I belonged. But difficult, because I knew another place I also belonged now.
The doctor called to let me know all my labs looked good. I felt relieved and wanted to tell someone. So, I texted Derek. He didn’t respond, but I just figured he was busy practicing.
Eventually, Mama and Daddy said we better head out. It was two hours home from Nashville. I hugged Cam and kissed the baby and promised I’d be up to see them soon. Blake made me promise to tell him when he could kick Derek in the arse personally. I told him I had no knowledge of any opportunities that would present themselves.
In the truck on the way home, I was quiet. I was so tired. I closed my eyes and tried to get comfortable.
Mama squeezed my hand, “Mia?”
“Hmm.”
“How was the trip?”
I opened my eyes and could see so many questions in hers. “It was really good,” I smiled.
“So?”
I shrugged. “I wish I knew.”
“Do you love him?”
Cam had asked the same thing just hours before. I couldn’t quite give Mama my same response, I just nodded.
“Does he love you?”
“Yes.”
And no one said how ridiculous that was when it had barely been a couple weeks. No one complained about loving someone I hardly knew. Probably because we all knew from heartbreaking experience that life was short, and you had to take what came your way and be grateful for it.
Be grateful for it, I told myself. That I had loved and been loved back. No matter what happened from here, I would always have that.
There was silence for a while as we were absorbed in our own thoughts.
“You know, you don’t need to run the dealership. Carter and I would be perfectly fine with selling it,” Daddy said, and I looked at him in surprise. I’d never heard anyone mention this before.
“Scott,” Mama hushed.<
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“I want her to know. There’s no reason to stay and run the dealership if where you really need to be is somewhere else,” Daddy said.
I could tell this had been a discussion while I was gone. One that Mama had not been happy about. She didn’t want me somewhere else. She’d had a hard-enough time letting me go to college even knowing that the plan was for me to come home for forever when it was done. She’d had an even harder time letting me go on a spelunking escapade with a gorgeous musician even though that one was only for three weeks. Somehow, I think she had known that the three weeks would change me more than the four years. And it had.
But the truth was I still wanted to work at the dealership. Nothing had changed that. I liked all the things about it but I loved most that I was carrying on something that Daddy and Cam’s daddy had started. I liked traditions almost as much as my friend Harry.
I just didn’t know how that was going to also allow me to be with the crazy man who had stolen my heart. Because I couldn’t, wouldn’t ask him to give up his life, and I knew him well enough to know that he couldn’t, wouldn’t ask me to give up mine. So, what that left, was an impossible love that would probably fade away into nothing as time and the miles wore at us.
“I want to run the dealership,” I said. “If you both still trust me to do it.”
“Baby girl,” Daddy choked, “we wouldn’t trust anyone else.”
But I wondered, as I always wondered, if he would have trusted Jake more.
“You know Jake never wanted to run it, right?” Daddy said, and for a moment I thought I’d spoken aloud, but I hadn’t. Daddy just knew me. Like Mama knew me. Like I now had a boy who knew me.
“No,” I responded. “I didn’t know that.”
Daddy shook his head. “He was all football, that boy. If he wasn’t playing it, he would have been coaching it.”
I guess I had known that. He had wanted to go into coaching before the kidney gave out. Before I’d given him mine and before mine had failed him. Guilt and sorrow overwhelmed me as it always did. Maybe harder because I’d been ignoring it for two weeks. The door that I’d forced shut, bursting at its seams to be opened.
And it did burst. It erupted in such a volatile way that before I could stop myself, I croaked out, “I’m so sorry,” and, to my utter horror, started to cry. I tried to hold them back, but the tears just wouldn’t stop. I was sobbing.