“My loving you doesn’t matter?”
“It does, yes.” She saw the triumphant expression in his face and had to continue, “But not enough for a lifetime together.”
He had their beds fixed by now and lay in his. “I don’t think you’re being very rational. I can’t undo the past. I can’t stop loving Sally just because you’re jealous.”
“Excuse me? I’m not jealous.” Beth sat to remove her shoes and socks. Knowing she lied, she had to confess. “All right, yes, I’m jealous, but not of her specifically.”
“Oh?” He held open her bed so Beth could slide between the covers.
She lay face up, looking at the night sky. “I’m jealous that I’ll never be your first love, the one you love more than anyone else.”
After a moment, he said, “I can’t change my history.”
“I know.” She heard him lie down and get comfortable in his own bed. Beth wondered if he’d want a good night from her now.
“I still love and want to marry you.”
She paused; wanting to trust him, believe he’d love her for herself. “I know you think that.”
“I think I love you?” He shook his head. “I’m glad you admit that much.” Nicholas thought for a moment before saying, “We have an interesting day tomorrow. I suggest we get some sleep.”
Beth didn’t reply but stared into the dying fire for a long while, unable to relax. The too quiet breathing of her companion told her Nicholas was awake as well. At long last she whispered, “I do adore you.”
“Good night, Elizabeth.”
She opened her eyes to the smell of coffee. Seeing Nicholas sitting across the fire, Beth sat. “Good morning.”
“Good morning. We’ll need to skip breakfast and get an early start. I’m impatient to reach the others.”
“I understand.”
“You don’t seem to, but will soon.” He held out her full cup. “We’ll leave when you’re finished drinking this.”
“Should I hurry?”
He sighed, “Don’t scald yourself but don’t stall, either. Mr. Calhoon might not like to be kept waiting, even if he doesn’t know it.”
“He doesn’t know, not yet.” Beth watched as he rolled up his bedding, saddled Buck, and brought over her dry dress. “Thank you.” He nodded an acknowledgement and she blew on her coffee to cool it faster. Their time together grew ever shorter. She hesitated to do anything to hasten their departure, but her need to settle things with Daggart propelled her forward.
Beth drained her cup and shrugged into her dress. She carried the two items to the river. Catching sight of him leading Buck to the water, she felt a lump rose in her throat. She loved him, loved the smallest glimpse of him. Tears threatened to spill. Doubt crept into her mind. Was living a life without him better than living a life as a replacement, she wondered. How long would they have before he realized she could never be his Sally? Beth wiped the tears from her face in a hurry before he caught her crying. She’d made her decision and it was the right one for them. Nicholas needed a woman who pined for her first love as well, not her.
He turned to her as she approached. “Ready? So am I, so let’s get going. The sooner we find the others, the sooner we can have Sam fix us something to eat.” They did the near dance of getting on Buck and started west.
Neither talked and Beth enjoyed the silence. She wanted to hold him this last time. If the group traveled as close as Nicholas speculated, she thought better of arriving in an intimate embrace. The sun-warmed smell of his shirt and skin enticed her to press her lips against his shoulder just to smell his skin. With temptation this close to her, the miles crept past as if they raced snails and turtles.
“I see them!” Nicholas leaned over so Beth could see as well. “Right there! We’ll be caught up by dinner, maybe even mid afternoon.”
“Good.”
“It will be. I want this settled once and for all.”
“So do I.”
Giving her a glare, he turned to the west. “In fact, hold on and I’ll see how fast Buck wants to go.”
“I don’t know if that’s—” she managed to say before he nudged the horse into a slow gallop. She hollered “Whoa!” and grabbed Nicholas around the waist when Buck lunged forward.
He laughed and nudged his horse into a faster pace. “I warned you.”
The speed blinded her. Had she ever gone so fast in her life, she wondered. Beth held tight, the ride somewhat smooth but unsettling. “How far?” she managed to holler out at him.
“A couple of miles! Are you doing well? Shall I slow us?”
“No, keep going.” She grit her teeth and held tighter as he laughed.
“That’s my girl!”
Beth almost started arguing about being his anything but decided to show versus telling him yet again. War whoops from the Granville men Lucky and Chuck caused her to open her eyes. Nicholas slowed Buck to a slow gallop then fast walk as the duo reached them. She let go of him as everyone began talking at once. The noise and attention as the men gathered their horses around overwhelmed her.
Mr. Lucky spoke the loudest and fastest. “We’re almost to Split Rock and didn’t know if you’d catch up by then.”
“Who’s going to lose the most money with us arriving now?” Nicholas asked.
“We didn’t bet nothing,” Chuck said.
Nicholas laughed, asking, “How much?”
Lucky glanced at the other man as they both flanked the couple. “Maybe Claude might lose a little bit. He’d bet on you reaching us at Independence Rock. Everyone else bet later if you found her alive.” He tipped his hat at Beth. “Everyone will be rightly pleased to see you so sound, ma’am.”
“Thank you, I’m glad.” She caught the look passing between him and Chuck, wondering at its meaning. “How is Mr. Bartlett?”
Lucky stared at his boots and muttered, “I don’t know if that’s something you’ll want to know, ma’am. We’re not quite sure how he is at the moment.”
She didn’t like how uncomfortable both of the men seemed to be. An odd feeling of foreboding crept over her. “Why not?”
Chuck replied, “Because he’s gone.”
Beth’s blood seemed to drain from her body. Had Daggart died in her absence? She swallowed and croaked out, “Gone?”
Lawrence punched the other man on the arm in disapproval. “Oh, not very gone, ma’am, not at all! Or at least not gone like we thought you were.”
As he gave a massaging rub to his bicep, Chuck added, “He traded everything for a horse.”
Lucky added, “The day Mr. Granville left, Bartlett said he needed a faster way to California. So Mr. Sam made him a deal, a horse and provisions for everything else Bartlett owned.”
“So he’s not dead, ma’am,” Chuck finished.
“Mr. Granville owns my belongings?” Beth bit her lip, unable to think of a solution to her problems. She didn’t know if Calhoon would not only marry her but also give her the money to buy back her family heirlooms.
The two looked at Nicholas before Lawrence replied, “I’m sure he’d share with you, or something, ma’am. I mean, we’re all still wearing the socks you made us. Maybe you could have a bargain or something.”
“Maybe so.” She sighed, scared and frustrated at the mess Daggart left her. “I’ll have to think about this for a while.”
“Sure, ma’am,” Chuck said, taking off his hat and twisting it in his hands.
Lawrence tugged at the bandana around his neck. “We’re real glad you’re alive. The way Mr. Nick took off and Mr. Daggart’s trading, well, we’re just glad.”
“Thank you.” She didn’t know what else to say, upset by her brother-in-law’s abrupt leaving and the fact she only owned what she wore. Beth glanced at Nicholas. She had a sudden urge to marry him for the security he provided, even if she never measured up to Sally’s memory.
Nicholas leaned in as if knowing her thoughts and said, “I have a solution for you, Miss Roberts.”
She
could say yes, Beth knew, and trade one set of problems for another. “No.” The answer left her like a curse word. She shook her head. “My answer will always be no.”
“All right.” He waved a few seconds later as Samuel approached.
“You found her!” Granville hollered as soon as within earshot. He galloped to them, swinging off his horse and running to them. “Get down here and let me see you.”
Nicholas held out his hand for her and she swung off the horse. Before she could turn to him, Samuel had her in a bear hug and Beth croaked out, “Oh goodness, Mr. Granville!”
Giving her an extra squeeze, he held her at arm’s length and said, “Don’t Mr. me young lady, I’m Sam to you, now. You heard about Bartlett?” At her nod in assent, he went on, “And about his deal with me?”
“A little. You own everything of mine?”
“Until now, yes. Consider me keeping it safe until your return.”
“You didn’t know I’d return.”
He hugged her again, squishing the breath from Beth. “I didn’t but am glad Nick found you.” To the three others watching them, he said, “We’ll walk, you all can go ahead. The poor girl needs me to catch her up on everything.”
Nicholas stated, “She can ride with me.”
Appealing to Samuel, she said, “I’d rather walk, if you don’t mind.”
“Suit yourself,” the eldest Granville scowled at them. “I’m riding ahead.”
Beth started to reply in agreement, stopping short when he galloped away. “He’s either hungry or angry.”
“I could guess,” Samuel laughed. “The hungry I can understand. You must be as well.”
“We had to miss breakfast.”
“You’re not walking another step. Here,” he got on his horse and held out his hand like his brother had. “We can ride in so you’ll have something to eat.”
She followed him up, already missing the usual buffer against the cantle. “We can also discuss how much I owe you for everything.”
“Sounds good. Although,” he looked back at her with a grin, “if you’re my sister-in-law, you could consider it a wedding present.”
She hoped Samuel lacked Nicholas’s stubbornness. “I won’t be so I can’t.”
“He didn’t propose?” Samuel faced the front and nudged his horse into a fast walk. “He must be waiting for a more romantic time and place.”
Bracing for an argument, Beth replied in an even tone, “He proposed. I said no.”
“I see.” They rode for a few minutes before he asked, “I suppose you had a good reason?”
“A very good one.”
“That’s too bad.”
She wanted to agree but kept quiet. At first, she longed to cry on Samuel’s shoulder. He’d been trustworthy and she wanted someone to reassure her. But from an objective point of view, Beth saw no need in telling him her thoughts. The time would be better spent in setting her sights on Mr. Calhoon.
They reached and rode into the wagon circle. Everyone on foot and a few on horses came over to see her, having heard the news. The greetings and well wishes ran together in their frequency. She enjoyed the excitement, happy to receive it.
Once the fuss died a little, Samuel said in a quiet voice, “No matter what you’d like to do concerning Nick, I do need someone to care for your wagon. I’ve had to juggle three myself and need the help.”
“Of course! I’d be glad to do so.” She’d struggled to help Daggart with their wagon. Samuel must have had a horrible time of it these several days. “Maybe I could be the group’s cook, do laundry, and care for the animals too.”
“I like that idea. You’re hired.”
Nicholas rode up to them. “Everyone thinks we’re getting married, we’re stopping for noon, and I found your wagon.”
“It’s Samuel’s wagon, not mine.” She took the younger man’s hand and slid from horseback.
“Samuel?” He exhaled and also dismounted at the same time as his brother. “How nice you’re so unattached and so familiar with him already.”
Samuel dismounted and nudged her, grinning. “Don’t mind him. He’s very often jealous of me. I’m much more handsome.”
“Shut it,” Nicholas all but yelled at the other man. He pointed at Beth, “You’re not marrying anyone else but me.”
Crossing her arms, she said, “You know my plan.”
He stepped up and stood almost nose to nose with her. Teeth gritted, he asked, “Shall I tell you what to do with that plan?”
She enunciated each word so he would better understand. “You wouldn’t dare!”
“Yes. I. Would. Because this no longer amuses me. Everyone in camp assumes I’ll do right and make an honest woman of you. I don’t intend on proving them wrong.”
A part of her liked how close his face was to hers, within kissing distance. She took a deep breath, determined to not accept being second choice. “You’ll have to because I’m marrying anyone else in camp besides you.”
Nicholas leaned away as if she’d slapped him. “Anyone else?” He pointed at his brother, “How about Sam? You’ll marry him? He’s anyone else.” His voice rose as he pointed out the nearby men. “How about Chuck, Lawrence, Mr. Chatillon? They’re all eligible and certainly anyone else but me.”
She bit her lip, not wanting to hurt any of the bystanders’ feelings, but not wanting to propose marriage to them in such a backhanded way. “None of them, no. Sam’s too much like a brother, and the others are nice, but not likely to find me interesting.”
“So it’s Calhoon, then? He is the anyone else you mean? He’s the only one you’ve mentioned by name. Do you even remember his appearance? His age?”
“Of course I do.” What she remembered of Calhoon seemed pale and dreary when an impassioned Nicholas faced her. “But he’s a widower and that’s what counts.”
Samuel interjected, “How is him being a widower important?”
Nicholas snorted, replying, “It’s not. Beth thinks there’s something wrong with me and needs an excuse.”
His assessment angered her. She’d never thought of him as less than an ideal man. “I do not! There is nothing wrong with you. You’re perfect and I love you dearly, but I’m not spending the rest of my life in Sally’s shadow with you wishing I was her or hating me because I’m not. Two years of being a second rate Lizzy was enough for a lifetime. I refuse to be in love with a man who is in love with a ghost. So no, Mr. Granville, I will not marry you, ever.”
Samuel began laughing, more so when Beth heard and gave him a fierce look. He stopped upon seeing Nicholas glaring at him as well. “Miss Roberts doesn’t know, does she?”
Wound up too much from irritation, she said, “I know enough, thank you.”
“I’m not sure.” Samuel shook his head, grinning despite the tense atmosphere between them. “You’ve argued more with Nick just now than I’ve ever seen you do anyone else. It’s amazing, really. I’m very impressed.”
Nicholas retorted, “Good, because your good opinion is the objective.”
“If you could see past that haze of infatuation, you’d realize how much she loves you as well.”
“Not enough to marry me,” Nicholas said in a quiet tone.
Samuel put his arm around her, asking, “Is that true, Beth?”
She nodded, not looking at Nicholas. “I meant what I said about taking another woman’s place.”
“Very well,” Samuel said. “Come with me. I’ll fix our meal and have a task for you both in the meantime.”
Beth glanced at Nicholas to see what he thought.
He caught her silent query and retorted, “I don’t know, but if it means he feeds us, let’s go along.”
“If it means food…” She felt like an errant child as they followed Samuel to the Granvilles’ wagon.
“Nick, you sit here. Miss Roberts, here.” They both sat facing him while he stood. “Ah, now here’s the trick. Don’t look at me but at each other. Turn around to make it easier. Do this the entire ti
me and once you’re done, you’re done.”
This seemed like a game the two men had played before and Beth wondered about the rules. “Can we talk or just look?”
“Of course you can talk, in fact, please do.” Samuel tapped his brother on the head for emphasis. “Just no fisticuffs.”
Nicholas laughed. “Don’t tell me, tell her. She’s the one being ornery.”
Beth smiled at his choice of words before retorting, “You’re the one not listening, so Sam might have to tell you all this again.”
“Sam, huh?”
The jealousy in his voice amused her. “You’re correct. I should call him Mr. Sam since I’m in his employ now.”
“Since when?”
“Since I decided I need something more than your horse’s back to ride to Oregon and what few belongings I have.” Her voice caught despite her best efforts to maintain an even tone. She knew he’d heard her sadness when his stubborn expression softened.
“You’re not returning to Independence?”
“I suppose I could. It depends…” She didn’t want to continue, saying her future hinged on what Mr. Calhoon decided. She smoothed her skirt, wondering when would be a good time to tell the other man her plan. Beth looked up at Nicholas through her eyelashes to find him staring at her. Embarrassed, she gave him a slight smile.
Nicholas sighed and reached out to take her hands in his. “Elizabeth, please marry me. I promise to be the best husband possible.” He stared at her. “After losing Sally, I didn’t think I would ever love again until meeting you for the first time that day. My heart almost hurts with happiness whenever I hear your voice or see your face. Every word, every touch, has branded me as yours for the rest of my life.”
His mention of their first sight caught her by surprise. As if a portrait painted in her mind, she recalled the sorrow in his eyes and the unhappiness during their time together. Now, when she stared at him, she saw hope and love, the same as she felt. “I remember that day.” She caressed his cheek.
He kissed her hand, saying against her skin, “I want us to have so many days together, they blend into one long lifetime. You’re wrong about being my second choice wife. I’m a man twice blessed and don’t intend on letting the last love of my life go.”
Undeniable - Book One: The Oregon Trail Series Page 33