My thoughts go back and forth about all the possible eventualities. I am still completely undecided when I walk through the doors of the hotel and head up to our suite. Okay, stop thinking about this, I say to myself to calm myself down. You have plenty of time to decide one way or another. No one knows yet. Just get back, start the bath, and dig into a bowl of ice cream. That will clear my head real fast. But as soon as I open the door, my mind goes blank.
“Hey, where were you?”
Aiden is sitting on the couch watching a game on TV. He’s dressed in sweats. He has been here for some time. How long, I don’t really know. When I thought that my mind was running in circles before, it doesn’t even compare to what’s going on now.
Just when I am about to answer, Thurston comes out of the guest bathroom.
“Oh, good, you’re here,” he says. “I was able to get us a sit-down with the assistant DA and the main detective about your case for tomorrow.”
Tomorrow. The word just hangs there in the air, as if it’s suspended on a string.
I stare at them both dumbfounded. I don’t know what to say.
“What’s wrong?” Aiden asks. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Something like it, I think to myself.
“Thurston wants to go over your story,” Aiden says. “I guess story is the wrong word. He wants to go over what happened. Why don’t you grab some food and have a seat.”
He points to the room service cart in the middle of the room. I walk over to it slowly.
“Aren’t you going to take off your coat?” Aiden asks, furrowing his brows. Yes, of course. I look down. I’m still wearing my boots, scarf, and jacket.
“Oh, wow, your shoes are so dirty,” he adds. “What happened?”
Chapter 38 - Ellie
When I get caught…
I walk back to the foyer trying to think of what to say. What possible explanation I could have for all of this. But nothing comes to mind. I undress slowly, trying to buy some time. Then I head to the bathroom inside the master bedroom.
“Hey, are you okay?” Aiden knocks after a few minutes. I’m hiding out. I don’t know what else to do.
“Yes, I’m fine,” I say. “I thought that you were going to be in New York.”
“We got finished early.”
Just my luck, I mumble.
“Ellie, what’s going on?” he asks. I shrug as if he can see me. I don’t respond. He knocks again.
“I’m just not feeling very good,” I finally say.
How long can I seriously keep this up? Thurston has set up a meeting with them for tomorrow. I need to know what I should do. I have to tell someone. What if I lie to them and that makes the whole thing go to hell? What if they already know and it makes me look even guiltier? No, I need advice.
“Aiden, I have to tell you something,” I say, coming out of the bathroom and launching into what happened today.
Aiden listens carefully without saying a word. Then he goes into the living room and tells Thurston that the meeting for tomorrow is off.
“Please reschedule it,” he says when Thurston asks for a clarification. “We need time. A lot more time.”
“I’m really not sure if we do,” I say. “Maybe I can just tell them what happened.”
“Can someone please tell me what’s going on?” Thurston demands more than he asks.
“I went to Connecticut today.”
“You aren’t allowed to leave the state,” Thurston says.
“Yes, I know. I’m sorry. But I wanted to go to my friend’s gravesite. I had to tell her something important.”
“So, you didn’t even see a real person?” Thurston gasps. “I mean, a live person?”
“No…but I had to go to her gravesite.”
I explain myself further, going over all the reasons that I have just stated to Aiden. Neither of them seem particularly convinced.
“So, you were never going to tell us about it,” Aiden says. “If you weren’t in a car accident?”
Well, yes, actually that’s true, I want to say, but I bite my tongue.
“I’m going to go,” Thurston says after a moment. “I’m going to figure this out and get back to you.”
As soon as he leaves, I walk up to Aiden and apologize. Again. And again. But he just pushes my hands away from him.
“I’m sorry, okay?” I say. “I’m really, really sorry. I just wanted to have a moment with Caroline. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen with this sit-down or whether I was going to go to trial and I needed to talk to her.”
“She’s dead, Ellie. You can talk to her at any time. You don’t have to cross state lines.”
“Okay, I know that you believe that, and lots of people do. But it was different to be there. I felt closer to her. I felt her there.”
“You just don’t get it, do you?” Aiden yells. “You can go away for a very long time. They can put you in prison.”
“Don’t raise your voice at me,” I say. He walks from one side of the room to another. His face is flushed. Steaming. I’ve never seen him this upset or mad before.
“Don’t fucking tell me what to do,” he says loudly.
“Well, you don’t tell me what to do!” I yell back. My ears start to buzz. Is this really happening? Are we really screaming at each other?
“I need some space,” he says, heading toward the front door.
“No, no.” I run up to him. “You are not walking out on me. I need to talk to you about this.”
“What do you want to talk about?”
“I already apologized, okay? I’m sorry.”
Why won’t he forgive me? I wonder. Just forgive me. I said that I was sorry.
“What do you want from me?” he asks.
“I want you to stay and talk to me.”
“Talk to you about what, exactly? How I’m here doing everything in my power to make sure that nothing happens to you? And you, just run off and break one of the most important conditions of your bail? They are going to take away your bail. You know that? You’re going to have to sit in jail until your court date.”
“Fuck you!” I yell. Now, it’s my turn to walk away. More like run away. I slam the door to the bedroom and lock it. Tears start to run down my cheeks. Hot angry tears. He is just saying all of those things to hurt me. To scare me. I know that he doesn’t mean any of that. He doesn’t even know if they will come true. But I’m angry anyway.
There’s a knock on the door. I ignore him. He knocks again. This time louder.
“Ellie, please, I’m sorry.”
“Fuck you!” I yell through the door.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that.”
I don’t say anything.
“Look, I apologized,” he says sarcastically. “Why don’t you forgive me?”
“Go fuck yourself, Aiden,” I say quietly.
He knocks again.
“Please open the door,” he pleads in a completely different tone. “Please.”
I get off the bed and unlock the door. Before he walks in, I plop back down on the bed and bury my head in the pillows.
“Ellie,” he says, sitting down next to me.
“Don’t you know that I’m an idiot?” I ask. My voice is muffled by the pillows.
“What?” He pulls on my shoulder. I repeat myself and bury my head in his shoulders.
“I know that I shouldn’t have gone there. I know that now. I mean, I had my apprehension about it. But I also didn’t know what was going to happen and I wanted to talk to her. One last time.”
“Don’t talk like that,” he says, putting his hand around me. He runs his fingers through my hair, petting my head. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“No, it’s not,” I mumble.
“I’m going to make it okay. I promise.”
I inhale and exhale deeply. I don’t know if I really believe him, but in this moment I do. I believe him, mainly because I have to. I don’t have any other choice. I need this to b
e okay because I can’t imagine it being not okay. What do I have waiting for me on the other end of not okay? A trial. A guilty verdict. Having my baby in prison. Never seeing him again. No, that can’t happen. No, no, no. Tears start to roll down my cheeks and my whole body starts to shake. Aiden wraps his hands firmly around me and holds me as I cry.
It takes me more than a few minutes to calm down. The pregnancy is, of course, not helping my overall mood management, but frankly I have no idea how much of my emotional outpour can be attributed to that versus the reality of this situation.
“I’m going to be okay,” I say, pulling myself away from Aiden. He lets me go and lies down on the bed, closing his eyes.
I stand up and head to the bathroom. I glance at myself in the mirror. It’s not a pretty sight. My eye makeup is all smeared with big black splotches around my cheeks, where I wiped the tears away with the back of my hand. I splash water on my face and wipe off the remnants. Is this really going to be okay? I ask myself, silently staring at my reflection in the mirror. I don’t know. I really don’t know. But what is there really to do but to take each moment as it comes? I take a deep breath. For now, stop obsessing about it. You need rest and if you keep going back and forth about all the things that you should or shouldn’t have done, you won’t get any sleep at all. Tomorrow’s a new day to make all new decisions. And mistakes. Shit, here I go again. I splash more cold water on my face and put everything that happened out of my mind.
After running a brush through my tangled hair, I pull down my pants and sit down on the toilet. That’s when I see all the blood.
Chapter 39 - Ellie
When something worse happens…
The blood is everywhere. All over my panties and thighs. I stare at the red liquid for a few moments. Mesmerized. But not in a good way. Why is it here? What’s going on? Aren’t I not supposed to have my period when I’m pregnant?
Then it hits me. No. No. No. This isn’t my period. This is something bad. Very bad.
“Aiden!” I yell. “Aiden! I have to go to the hospital!”
The next hour is a blur. Aiden speeds through the streets to get me to the hospital. He keeps telling me that everything is going to be fine. He is holding my hand. He is right here next to me, but it feels like he’s a million miles away. And then the next moment, I see him and hear him, but he’s muffled. He’s no longer far away, but there’s a big wall of plexiglass separating us.
Help me, I say over and over, but nothing comes out of my mouth.
I look over at him. I can’t hear anything he’s saying either. All I see are bright lights whizzing by me, engulfing me.
The car stops in front of a big red sign. I try to read what it says, but I can’t. E. Mer. I look closer. It’s like my brain isn’t connected to my mind. I should know what it says, but I don’t.
Emergency.
Yes, that’s right. We’re at the emergency entrance to the hospital.
A bunch of people run out. They put me into a wheelchair and roll me into a bright white hallway. I cover my eyes to shield myself from the flood of fluorescent lights.
Aiden is barking orders somewhere behind me.
Nurses and other medical staff gather around me as they wheel me into a room.
Some people are just not meant to be born. At least, that’s one of the theories out there. Some people just don’t want to be born. I don’t know if this is the case with my son or not. I know that all the doctors and nurses who are milling around me are trying their best to stop this miscarriage from happening. Aiden is, of course, doing his best in giving everyone orders, even those people who don’t work for him, and that’s pretty much everyone around here.
What am I doing? Nothing really. I’m just lying here in bed, trying to stay perfectly still despite of all the commotion around me. Just breathe, I say to myself over and over. But I’m not just talking to myself. I’m also talking to my son. Just breathe, I say to him. Just stay with me. I will be here for you no matter what.
The thing about surprise babies is that they aren’t exactly planned. That seems obvious, but with the surprise comes something else as well. It’s this feeling of uncertainty. It’s not that I don’t want the baby; it’s just that I’ve never really given it much thought. I’m shocked that it happened. So, it’s hard to really know how you feel about the whole thing. Until now, that is.
Now, lying here in this hospital bed, I know that I want him. I want him to stay with me. I don’t know whether he wants to come into this world. Or whether he will be too good for this world (probably), but I still selfishly want him here.
Please stay, I say to myself. Please stay.
“Please stay,” I say out loud. My voice cracks in the middle, but I remain steadfast. “Please stay,” I repeat over and over again.
Not long after that, the bleeding stops. Just as mysteriously, and without much of an explanation, as it started. The doctor and the nursing staff are a bit dumbfounded, but they try not to let on. They keep me overnight for observation. They talk to me about what might or might not happen in the future. I wrap my arm around my stomach and listen, taking in what they are saying with a grain of salt.
“Are you okay?” Aiden asks after everyone finally leaves the room. I nod and smile.
“I think it’s going to be okay now,” I say.
“Really? How do you know?”
“I don’t know.” I shrug. “I just have a feeling.”
He takes my hand and gives it a big squeeze.
“I’m sorry about today,” Aiden starts to say, but the door swings open and our moms and Brie appear. It’s a bit shocking to see them all in the same place, but I’m too tired to deal with it right now. I decide not to focus on any possible drama, but instead just welcome them in.
“What are you all doing here?” I ask tentatively, looking at Aiden.
“I called them. I wasn’t sure what was going to happen and I thought they should know."
“How are you feeling?” Mom and Brie ask almost simultaneously. “What happened?”
I go over the highlights of what happened. They oh and ah and shake their heads. Aiden’s mom gives me a little pat on my hand and a smile.
“Do you have good doctors here?” She turns to Aiden and asks.
“Yes,” he says.
“Because if not, I have no problem with moving her down to where she can get proper medical care,” she says with a wink. It’s a joke. And one that makes me smile broadly.
The three of them stay for close to an hour before Aiden finally ushers them out. I can honestly say, with even a hint of sarcasm, I actually had a good time. If he had asked me about them coming here beforehand, I would’ve told him a categorical no. But when they leave, I’m actually a little bit sad to see them go. Somehow, they all meld well together. I still have my individual issues with both his mom and mine, but when they are both here at the same time, along with Brie, who is always a good sport for brokering any truce, it feels good. Nice, actually. It’s good to know that there are people out there who will be here for me. Who love me. And who are here for my son.
“Okay, now that they are gone,” Aiden says, closing the door behind them. “I want to ask you something.”
Chapter 40 - Ellie
When he asks me…
Aiden takes my hand and gets down on one knee. I shake my head.
“What are you doing?”
“You know what I’m doing.”
He looks straight into my eyes and tells me he loves me. He tells me all the things that he has told me before.
“No,” I say. “I can’t do this again.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, yes, I want to get married. But we have been engaged before, you know.”
“Of course, I know.” He nods. I try to turn away, but he walks around the bed.
“Okay, no engagement this time.”
“What does that mean?”
He shrugs. “I don’t know exactly except that we sho
uldn’t call it an engagement. You’re right; we have been engaged before and maybe that’s not the best thing for us.”
I don’t know why I’m pulling away from him, except that I am. Maybe this isn’t the best time. Maybe he’s not saying the right things. Maybe I’ve just been through way too much to deal with this right now.
Aiden takes my hand in his. He looks deep into my eyes. There’s a severity that comes over him. A darkness. I get a glimpse of the man I saw before. On the yacht.
“Ellie,” he says slowly. Deliberately. “You are going to be my wife.”
I stare at him. No question. No options. No decisions to be made. What is this feeling that’s come over me? It’s like all the heaviness is lifted from my shoulders.
“But—“ I start to say, but he just puts his finger on my lips.
“I am not asking you. I am telling you.”
I nod.
“You are going to have a proper wedding. The thing that bridal magazines are made of. A dream wedding.”
I start to feel queasy again. The prospect of making all those decisions. Who to invite. What to wear. Where to have it. Finding just the right venue. I feel my whole body tensing up just at the thought of that. As if he can read my mind, Aiden furrows his brows.
“No,” he says.
“What?”
“No. You won’t have to plan a thing. It will be perfect and beautiful and everything you ever wanted, but you won’t do a thing.”
“Really? But how?”
“You’ll see.”
I like the sound of that. Frankly, I don’t really have any opinions about how a wedding should be. The ones featured in the magazines all seem beautiful and good enough. And then, my thoughts drift to something I do want to make a decision about.
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