They gaped at me as I continued walking, and it gave me immense satisfaction to see the astonished looks on their faces.
Aiden had about three bags of chips in his arms when I finally caught up to him. “Put two of those bags back, bud. There’s no way we’d be able to polish them off before your mom gets home. Do you want to get caught?”
“No,” Aiden pouted, peering down at the bags. “I can’t make up my mind though!”
I chuckled and ruffled his dark hair. “Go for Dill Pickle. That’s my favourite.”
“Really?” Aiden said excitedly. “That’s my favourite too!”
“Problem solved then, let’s get out of here,” I told him. He dropped the bag of chips into the cart I was pushing and we made our way to the checkout line.
I had just finished lifting Aiden up into the truck and was walking the cart back when someone called my name. “Braden!”
I turned around, my hand on the cart so it wouldn’t take off without me, and watched as Ezra Johnson jogged over. Ezra had been my best friend growing up. I hadn’t seen him in four years. In fact, the last time I saw him, he was hoisting my drunk, belligerent ass off the floor at O’Riley’s.
“Give me a moment, okay Aiden?” I told my nephew, ruffling his hair. He nodded, grabbing his Gameboy and firing it up. I closed the door and turned to face my friend.
“I heard you were back in town,” Ezra said, coming to a stop a few feet away from me.
“Yup…I got back last week. How are you doing?” I swallowed hard, shame settling in my gut. After I went to rehab, I took off without so much as a see you later to all my friends. I was never very good at goodbyes, which is why I preferred not to bother with them.
“I’m alright. How are you doing?” His light eyes held no contempt towards me, just a quiet understanding.
“Good, I’m doing good,” I answered. It was almost true too—while the gossipy old ladies were annoying, it was still good to be home. I missed my life the way it was before I did everything in my power to screw it up.
I had a lot of work ahead of me: I had to repair all the relationships and friendships I’d managed to damage. I hadn’t just hurt my family and Elle, and I knew that. My regrets played on a continuous loop, and I knew I had to find a way to make amends.
“That’s great,” Ezra managed. We assessed each other for a moment, both of us probably thinking about the last few times we’d seen each other.
“Look man, I’m really sorry about everything,” I sighed, hoping my words conveyed the depth of my regret.
“I get it,” he shook his head, smiling sadly. “You were grieving, you weren’t yourself.”
“Yeah,” I inhaled, my eyes dropping to the ground. “Well, I’m sorry about that.”
He was quiet for a few moments longer, studying me. “We still get together on Fridays after work for wings. You’re welcome to join us.”
“At O’Riley’s?” I questioned, my throat going dry and itchy. I hadn’t set foot in the place since my last bender.
“We could try Wild Wings,” Ezra offered, shrugging. “It’s up to you.”
“Nah, if I can make it I’ll meet you at O’Riley’s,” I said, waving away Ezra’s concern like a bad smell. I would have to adjust to this kind of thing sooner rather than later, I just couldn’t make it a habit.
“You sure?”
“Yeah man, I’m sure. See you tomorrow.”
* * *
O’Riley’s was packed on Friday night, which was a surprise considering the tourist season was over. It seemed like everyone from high school was at the local watering hole.
I did my best to ignore the hush that seemed to fall over the crowd of people playing pool as I made my way inside. I nodded at them in recognition, my eyes quickly moving past as I scanned faces to find Ezra and Peter. They were sitting at booth, a large plate of wings and a pitcher of beer in front of them.
My mouth watered at the sight of the beer, and I hesitated for a moment. I closed my eyes, drawing in a deep breath. While it had been just under three years since my last drink, the thirst was still hard to tolerate.
“Hey,” I said, nodding at Peter as I slid into the seat beside Ezra. Peter’s strong jaw clenched, and tension radiated off of him. His eyes light eyes seemed darker with contempt. He did not look happy to see me. I had a feeling that Ezra hadn’t mentioned I would be joining them.
“Hey Braden, glad you could make it!” Ezra grinned. Peter said nothing. He just scowled at me.
“Look Peter… I owe you an apology.”
“That’s the understatement of the year,” he griped. I ignored him—he was right. This apologize was several years overdue.
“I don’t remember what I said, but I know it was bullshit.” I continued on. The lie was hard to swallow. While I didn’t remember my exact words, I knew that the artillery behind them came from Peter’s most guarded secret. “I’m a piece of shit and I know it.”
Peter let out a reluctant smile. “Yeah, you’re a narcissistic piece of shit. You should have known we would have had your back, you didn’t have to drop us like that.”
“I know,” I said, hoping my words conveyed the depth of my remorse. I’d had an awful lot of time to think about my mistakes, and how I treated Peter was one of my bigger ones. Not only had I been a shitty boyfriend to Elle, but I’d been a shitty friend to someone who had only tried to help me. “I wasn’t thinking clearly. Then when I stopped drinking, every shitty fucking thing that I did while drunk came at me. The guilt was overwhelming. I just… I needed to get away for a bit.”
Peter watched me warily, trying to decipher the honesty of my words. After a moment, he sighed and ran his hand through his short light brown hair as he regarded me. “I get it. I’m still mad, but I’ll get over it. For what it’s worth…I’m glad you’re home, and I’m glad you got the help you needed.”
“Thanks,” I responded, my shoulders dropping as the tension left them.
With the apologizes out of the way, we started talking about the last four years and what we’d gotten up to. Ezra told me he landed a union job as a welder. Peter worked on a road construction crew for the city.
“What are your plans? Are you sticking around?” Peter asked me. He was still a little guarded with me, but he’d softened a little.
“Maybe,” I shrugged. “I’m working at the garage again for now. Chuck seems to really need my help.”
“Are you sure it’s not Melissa that needs your help?” Ezra prodded with a shit-eating grin on his face. “That chick’s always had it bad for you. She’s the one who told me you were back in town; she couldn’t stop talking about how hot you were now.”
“Oh she needs help, but she’s not getting it from me.” I rolled my eyes and shook my head. Melissa Groove was a couple of years older than me and had worked as Chuck’s receptionist since she’d graduated high school. She was also his niece. I’d been back at the shop for less than a week, and she was already trying to sink her claws into me, chatting me up every chance she got.
Don’t get me wrong, the attention was flattering, but Melissa just didn’t get me going. She reminded me of Molly Ringwald, straight down to her curly strawberry blonde bob and the slight upturn of her nose. She was snobby, too, almost like Molly Ringwald’s character in The Breakfast Club. Sure, she had a great rack and she was pretty in that girl next door way. She made it perfectly clear that she was willing, but I wouldn’t touch her.
I wouldn’t touch anyone who had a connection to Elle, no matter how small. Elle had always been uncomfortable with the attention Melissa gave me, and even though we weren’t together anymore, I held out the hope that one day she’d forgive me and grant a second chance. I didn’t want anything else weighing against me.
“Don’t tell me you’re still hung up on her?” Ezra said quietly, his eyes disbelieving.
Saying nothing, I looked away from Ezra’s scrutinizing gaze.
“Have you even been with anybody since her?” Peter a
sked, equally shocked.
“Don’t be fucking stupid, of course I have,” I shot back aggravated.
At the beginning, I had been able to block it off and think with my other head, but I had conditions. I didn’t do repeats, and I made damn sure the girls knew what to expect from me. I wasn’t interested in learning names, it didn’t matter anyway, because as soon as I closed my eyes I would imagine Elle. It was the only way I could get off, and maybe that was fucked up, but I’d always been a little messed.
My irritation faded when I saw the sympathetic looks on my friend’s faces. “I haven’t been with anybody like that though. Just one-night stands here and there.” I added, not meeting their eyes.
Shame and regret churned around in my stomach like some kind of dire tango as I remembered how I felt afterwards. Unfulfilled, empty. The space in my chest where my heart should have been was void, and each one-night stand I had did little to fill it. If anything, it only deepened the hole. When the hole got bigger, so did my thirst for a drink.
I didn’t think I could do it again even if I wanted to; have another one-night stand, especially after seeing Elle again. Elle was the only woman I had ever connected to on such a deep level, and I missed that. I missed making love to her. I missed seeing her.
“Are you planning on entering the smash up derby this year?” Ezra asked, sensing the need for a topic change. “Because if you are, I’m so going to kick your ass.”
“Not a chance,” I shot back, forcing a smile.
* * *
“Braden,” I looked up at the sound of my name being said in a sultry purr, my brows furrowing as they landed on Chuck’s niece.
“Melissa,” I responded with a touch of irritation. “What can I do for you?”
“I brought you coffee!” she cooed, stepping towards me. “I remembered how you liked it,” she added as she held out the tray to me.
“Thank you.” I took the nearest paper cup out of the tray.
“My pleasure,” she said breathily. She looked at me and bit her lip seductively.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you…” Melissa’s face perked right up at my words. “How’s Chuck been doing?”
“Not so well,” she answered, sighing sadly. “It’s his heart. His cholesterol is really high, and if he doesn’t change his diet along with his work habits…” she trailed off and sighed. “Anyway, now that you’re here he can relax a little bit.”
“Yeah, well. Glad to be back.” I replied, shifting on my feet. “Look, I’ve got to get to work on that Cruze. Thanks for the coffee, I’ll catch you later.” I added, wanting to be rid of her.
Melissa nodded and thankfully left me to do my job. While I worked, my thoughts drifted to Elle again.
Seeing her again at the announcement dinner had only solidified everything I already suspected; I was hopelessly entangled in her. I considered it my penance for the actions of my past. I didn’t deserve to be unaffected by her presence. I didn’t deserve a second chance, but I wanted it.
She’d left town again before I had a chance to talk to her, not that Tessa had wanted me to do that. “Give her time, Braden. She’s not going to be receptive to what you’re saying right now, she’s still mad and hurt,” she’d told me after I expressed my interest in driving out to Barrie to talk to her.
So, I’d stayed away from her. I buried myself in work and focused on fixing the things that I could.
Twenty-minutes later, I emerged from the garage. Chuck was in the office, ordering parts from the distributor. Melissa wasn’t behind her desk, although a quick glance at the clock told me she was likely on her lunch break.
I nodded at my boss and disappeared into the staff bathroom to take a leak and wash my hands. By the time I came out of the bathroom, Chuck was finished on the phone. He leaned back in his chair, rubbing a hand against his whiskery gray beard.
“Everything alright?” I asked, arching a brow towards him. He looked up at me and grinned.
“Oh yeah, just catching up on some office work while you’re here,” he answered, stretching out the muscles in his thick neck.
“I thought that was Melissa’s job?”
“She’s a good receptionist, but the girl is clueless when it comes to placing part orders,” Chuck shrugged with an indulgent smile.
I said nothing, merely choosing to nod in acknowledgement. “Melissa told me about your health issues.”
“Did she now?” Chuck looked back up at me, his expression unreadable.
“I think you should hire another mechanic.” I cleared my throat, shifting uncomfortably on my feet. In all my years working for Chuck, I’d never told him how to run his business. He raised his eyebrows at me.
“You planning on quitting again?”
I shook my head, frowning. “That’s not it. You know that I love the garage, Chuck. You’ve given me a job twice now when I needed it the most. You’re a great boss and friend, I just think it’s time for you to slow down a little bit. Hire another mechanic. I’ll show them the ropes and we’ll cover the repairs while you relax.”
Chuck let out a heavy sigh. His tired eyes assessed me before he nodded. “I’ll give it some thought.”
Elle
Ten Months Later…
I stared down at my suitcase, packed and ready to go for my ‘vacation’. My stomach flipped and rolled with dread and nervousness.
I wasn’t ready for this; ready to face the memories I’d long since struggled to keep away. Those memories, that person—they belonged in the past, but I knew that going home for the wedding would just drudge it all up again, exactly like the last time I saw him. Unlike the last time, I wasn’t as strong. A lot had happened in the last ten months.
Strong arms wrapped around my waist, freeing me from my thoughts. I closed my eyes, leaning back into those arms. My head rested against the broad chest of Alex, my co-worker-turned-roommate-turned-boyfriend.
I lost Tessa as a roommate almost four months ago—in March—when she had received an offer to help out at the Parry Sound veterinary clinic as a part-time technician, and she took it. She knew it would take years to start up her own clinic, but she wanted a foot in the door at a clinic closer to Brock’s house.
Alex had moved in with me out of convenience—he’d been looking for a new place, and I’d been looking for a new roommate. We worked together and we got along as friends, so it made sense. I thought I could keep things strictly platonic between us.
But I didn’t count on Alex’s little crush on me growing, or me giving in to too many lonely nights by hiding out in his arms, letting him shelter me from the ache in my chest. Somewhere along the line, I found myself developing feelings for Alex, although those feelings constantly confused me.
I cared about him, but I also knew that his feelings for me ran deeper than my feelings for him did. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to fall in love with him—God, I did. I prayed every night that I’d fall in love with this man, but the truth was…I was holding myself back. I was afraid to fall in love, afraid to truly let myself go with him. I knew that Alex was good for me, and yet still…I hesitated.
I was irreparable. Shattered, destroyed. Changed by four not-so-little words: post-traumatic stress disorder.
I’d seen so much death, so much trauma. My doctors had a difficult time pinpointing exactly when it happened, when I mentally snapped. Maybe it started with the six vehicle accident nine months ago. Maybe it started when I had to comfort a little boy and clean away his deceased mother’s brain matter from his ghastly pale face after a drunk driver struck them head on. Maybe it started when we arrived on the scene of a woman who had been brutally raped and murdered in a hotel room.
Whenever it was, whatever straw broke this particular camel’s back—I couldn’t seem to escape. The smallest things during a shift would trigger my anxiety and panic attacks: the sound of the ambulance sirens, the smell of blood-tinged asphalt, even the dispatch radio.
Thus, I was about to start my not-so-temporary ‘
vacation’, or rather—medical leave of absence. I suppose I had my boss and the assistance of my doctor to thank. I wasn’t exactly stoked about it, but as pissed off as I was…they had a point. I was no good on the team right now. I wasn’t helpful, and if anything, I put my teammate—Alex—in more danger.
“You need this break, Elle. It’s going to be alright,” he whispered against my ear. His lips brushed against my lobe. “I’m going to miss you.”
“I’ll miss you too,” I said, turning into his embrace.
He smiled warmly, his large, capable hands running up and down my upper arms. His touch eased my frazzled nerves. It calmed me and centred me. It soothed me. I knew with him that I was safe, and sometimes—that drove me completely insane.
Everything about Alex was safe. He was gentle, dependable, kind, attentive, considerate, and hard working. He was empathetic and understanding. He always put his dirty clothes in the hamper and he was the tidiest person I knew.
I had been placed on Alex’s paramedic team shortly after graduating my program at Georgian College two years ago. He’d been working for five years already, and knew the drill. We’d instantly connected—he was easy to get along with and easy to work with. He was steady in chaos and tragedy and I learned a lot from him.
Except—it would seem—how to not let the job destroy my mentality.
Still, Alex had been everything that I hadn’t known I needed. We’d only lived together for two months and had been an item for even less time than that, but Alex never wavered from my side. He didn’t run when the doctors told me my sleepless nights, uncontrollable anxiety and frequent panic attacks on the job were caused by post-traumatic stress disorder.
But even after all that time with him prior to becoming official, even after how incredible he’d been during my diagnosis…I still didn’t feel it in my bones.
Rebel Heart: (Rebel Series Book 2) ((Rebel Series)) Page 5