by Anne Mercier
"Will you teach me to defend myself? To fight back?" I ask softly.
He nods. "We all will."
I nod back.
More silence.
"It's not because I don't like cuddling with you, T."
It takes me a minute. I shrug.
"It's not you. I mean it. It's just…" He sighs. "This is embarrassing as shit. It's just, you're changing and I'm changing and every time we lay like this, I get hard." He chuckles when I startle. "I can't help it. You're all curvy and soft and you smell so fucking good all the time. Any guy would react the same being this close to you."
"Oh. So, you get like this with all the girls now," I say flatly. Lovely. I'm not special at all. I thought… who cares anymore what I thought. I want to pull away but I don't want him to know how much this affects me.
"No. Not all girls. I haven't been close like this with anyone but you."
"You don't have to say that, X. It's okay—"
He rolls half on top of me. "I haven't been."
I swallow and nod.
"I want to kiss you," he whispers, looking at my mouth.
"Do it."
So he does. He presses his lips against mine, softly, tentatively at first. But the pressure increases and when he licks my lips I gasp.
"Open your mouth for me. Let's be each other's real first kiss."
He doesn't hesitate. His lips touch mine and without hesitation, he flicks his tongue again, and I open for him. I try to follow his lead, and after a few minutes it feels so damn good I pull him closer. He lies on top of me, between my legs and I can feel he really is hard. For me. I blush thinking about it, but this kiss.
We kiss for what feels like forever and I promise myself I'll remember every second of it.
He kisses my chin and I whisper his name. He groans softly and kisses me again. When we finally pull back, he looks down at me.
"That was so fucking hot," he tells me.
I can't hide my grin. "Yeah, it was."
"We can tell each other anything, right?" he probes.
"Of course," I answer, and I mean it.
"You've always been beautiful to me, Tera, but you're turning into a knockout. You're going to have no trouble finding a boyfriend. Just be sure to pick the right ones. Don't pick ones like us guys," he says, meaning the boys.
"Why not?" I ask, confused.
"We're no good. We won't do you right and you'll get hurt because of it. I don't want that for you. You deserve so much better."
Tears sting the backs of my eyes. I nod. "Okay."
"Okay," he agrees with a nod. He doesn't look happy. He is so confusing.
He lies back down next to me, pulling me into him.
"Thanks for being my first real kiss," I whisper.
"Thank you, Tera. You made it matter."
Silence envelops us again. It's not long before his breathing evens out.
"I'll do what you asked," I whisper, "but I wanted it to be you."
"It can't be him, T," Linc whispers from next to me. I don't know when he moved over here. Probably while I was lost in thought about that kiss and how I'll never forget it or be able to put it behind me.
I roll away from Xan and face my brother. "Why not?" I ask, letting a tear fall. He reaches up and wipes it away.
"He's not ready for that, T. We're twelve. He's going to follow what these guys do and it won't be something you're going to like. A guy like Xan will have the girls falling at his feet and he's going to use that to his advantage." Linc wipes my tears again.
"But—"
"I know, T. He knows too. I'm pretty sure he feels the same but he's built differently than you. He's gonna need to make the rounds before he settles down."
"If he ever does," I whisper.
He nods. "If he does, though, it's going to be with you, Tera. It's been there from the very first day. Just…" he sighs, "live your life and don't wait around. It's going to suck but you'll get through it. And, who knows? You might find someone better."
I shake my head and sniffle. "Never."
He sighs again.
"I'll sleep in a different room from now on. As big as this room is, even with my own bed in the corner, I think it's time I start breaking away from you guys, making more girl friends. Eventually you'll be doing things I won't want to be a part of and with girls I probably won't like."
"You sure?" Linc asks.
"Now's as good of a time as any."
"All right, sis. But if you want to hang with me, it'll be you over anyone else every damn time."
I hug him. "I know. Same goes."
I slide out of the bed, grabbing my shoes. I tiptoe over to my bed and grab my backpack and a change of clothes. I get to the door and look down at Xan again, seeing the rise and fall of his chest. He looks so peaceful and beautiful while he sleeps. His messy dark hair, his full lips, and those eyelashes that I'd kill to have—he's beautiful.
Linc hugs me close.
"Love you, Tera."
"I love you too."
I open the door, about to step out, and hear Jesse whisper, "She okay?"
"She will be," Linc answers.
"This is gonna suck," Kennedy says.
"Who're you telling?" Ethan replies.
I smile through my tears. They heard it all. Of course they did. They're my guys.
I close the door quietly and my heart cracks as it clicks closed.
Chapter Three
Xander
"What do you mean she's not staying here anymore, Linc?" I growl.
"This morning we talked with your dad and Mr. and Mrs. Martinez. Tera decided it's best for her to stay with the Martinez'," Linc informs me.
What the fuck? After we just had that kiss? After I told her… after I told her I was no good for her. Damn it.
"Yeah," I croak out. I clear my throat. "That's probably the best decision."
Linc bites his lip. "You know it is, man. There's plenty of time to figure out whatever's between you two."
"Yeah, I guess." I don't really believe that because I know, I just know someone's going to grab her up for their own. She's beautiful, even at twelve.
"She'll still be around. She'll come here for supper and breakfast and shit. Plus, she'll be living, what? Three? Four hundred feet away in the guest house?" Linc mentions.
"True. She won't be too far away." Not physically, but emotionally we'll be an ocean apart. I finish my water and toss the bottle. "This is better for her. She's safe there."
Linc nods. "We'll be picking up our shit after school tomorrow. My mom and that Eddie dude are in jail. My bitch of a mom threw that dick under the bus so she wouldn't get charged with as much. Too bad Eddie mentioned the bitch was dealing H." Linc smirks and I join him.
"So they're both screwed."
"And then some. He also told the cops about how she encouraged him to touch Tera and how she laughed when he did. So, she's so screwed."
"Good. That's good." That makes me feel better. Tera really is safe now.
"I'm sorry to drag you into this shit, man."
"Who're you talking to, brother?" I say and Linc nods. "We're family."
"Thanks."
"Knock it off," I tease and give his shoulder a shove. "Next thing you're gonna start talking about tampons and makeup and shit."
He looks around. "Fuck off, Xan." He laughs.
My dad's okay with some of the swearing, but saying fuck is pushing it. We make sure no one's around when we say it so we don't ruffle anyone's feathers. A peaceful house is a happy house.
"Where's she now?" I ask.
"At Shea's," Linc answers, eyeing me.
"Think she's into the brother?" I ask.
"I don't know. Would you have a problem with that?"
I might be a little tweaked about it, but that doesn't play into things at all.
"Nah." That's a lie. "Whatever makes her happy." That's the truth.
"Cool. Let's go get some practice in. The guys are waiting."
; For the next three hours I bang the hell out of my drums.
Three years later (Age 15)…
"There are two cops at the door, Dad."
He walks into the hallway and pauses. "How can I help you, officer?"
"Doctor Matthew Mackenzie?"
"Yes."
"Do Lincoln and Tera Ramirez live here?"
"They do. Do you need me to get the kids?" Dad asks.
"That would be helpful, yeah."
"Have a seat, officers. Give me a few minutes." Dad turns to me. "Find Lincoln. I'll go get Tera."
Ten minutes later we're all in the sitting room, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife.
"All right, officers. We're all here. What's this about?" Dad asks.
"Tera, Lincoln, we know you're no longer in the custody of your mother, but tonight she was found in her home by an acquaintance who'd been trying to get in contact with her for a couple days. When we arrived on the scene, Ms. Ramirez was unresponsive on a sofa, a syringe stuck in her arm. She'd overdosed. There was nothing that could be done," the officer states, sympathy evident even though he's straight to the point.
Tera blinks.
Linc breathes out a sigh of relief. "Hell, I thought you were going to make us go back there."
"You know that would never happen, Lincoln," my dad tells him.
Linc shrugs.
Tera blinks again and I want to go ask her if she's okay, but I don't. She doesn't want that from me anymore. She's got Carter for that. Carter Winters: Star quarterback. Carter Winters: Pretty boy all the girls want. Carter Winters: The guy who's been dating my girl—Tera—for close to nine months. Carter Winters: The guy who gets all of Tera's other firsts. The fucker.
"She's dead?" Tera whispers. Mrs. Martinez rubs Tera's back.
"Yes, she is. I'm sorry for your loss, miss," the second policeman says.
"It's no loss," Tera whispers, still staring off into space.
Dad and the cops talk about arrangements for the body and we all tune them out, gathering around Tera and Linc.
Jesse chucks Tera under the chin lightly so she looks up at him.
"You all right?"
She shrugs. "I guess. It's just weird."
Kennedy lifts Tera, sits in her chair, and puts her on his lap. My hands curl into fists. That should be me. But it can't be. Not now. Maybe not ever again. It was her decision and I'm going to respect it.
"I know what you're feeling," Kennedy tells her. She rests her head on his shoulder. "When they told me about Lina, I was relieved. That's pretty messed up, right? To be relieved your mom's dead? That she can never hurt you again?"
Tera nods. "It seems wrong to feel that, but I do."
"It's okay to feel that way," Ethan tells her. "I feel the same way about my ma. It's because we don't have to worry about them coming for us now, and we don't have to worry about being put in a situation where we'll be hurt again."
"Yes. That's exactly it," Tera tells him. "Linc?" she questions.
"I'm good, T. She died the day she… well, that day. At least to me," he tells her.
Tera nods again. "Yeah. I didn't even really think much about her anymore. Only sometimes late at night or when I would feel unsafe."
My dad takes a seat on the ottoman in front of the chair. "If you would like to go talk to Dr. Campbell about anything, all you have to do is say the word."
Tera started seeing Dr. Campbell the day she moved out of my life—house. She worked through the fucked-up-ness that her mom and that asshole brought into her life, that they brought into her heart and head. I helped her get through it as her friend, not as the guy I'd been before. You know, the one she turned to with everything. The one she trusted with her deepest, darkest secrets. The one she could be herself with. The more time that goes by, the more I realize just how much I don't know her anymore. I don't know who she's become—and I want to. I want to so much.
But… I know I'm not the right guy for Tera—at least not now. How the hell do I stay away from the girl I've loved since the day I saw her on those monkey bars singing off key? She's had me entranced from the moment I laid eyes on her. It's hard as hell to stay away, but I know it's for the best—for both of us. But mark my words, there will be a day when she's mine. It's just a matter of when.
"I don't think I need to see Dr. Campbell. This doesn't upset me. It doesn't bring back bad memories or feelings. I just think I should feel something, but I don't. I think it's because she's been so vacant for so long, that it doesn't really matter to me one way or the other. For so long, the people in this room have been the only family I've had and I'm grateful for that. So, no, Dr. Mac. I don't need to see Dr. Campbell. If it starts to bother me at all, I promise to tell you," Tera relays.
I couldn't be more proud of my girl in this moment. Make no mistake—she's my girl. She may be dating Winters, but she's mine.
"All right. I'm glad you both are okay," my dad tells them. "Rosa, Jose, anything you'd like to add?"
"No. You handled that perfectly," Rosa says to my dad. Jose nods his agreement.
"If there's nothing else?" Dad asks. No one speaks up. "Then I'll see you at the family meeting next Thursday."
Our family "meetings" aren't really meetings. They're large family dinners where no one gets to skip out. We're also expected to share the good and bad in our lives—and we do. I don't think any of us hold anything back.
"See you then," Jesse mutters. "I gotta walk the twins home. Jeni mentioned some kid was bullying Jana. Time to squelch that shit."
Ben follows him out the door.
"Later," I call out behind them. Everyone disperses, including Tera, and I stay seated, tipping my head back and looking at the ceiling.
"What's going on, Xan?" my dad asks.
I lift a shoulder.
"C'mon. You can tell me."
"I know I can. But I did this to myself, Dad, and it's the right thing," I admit.
"Ah. Tera," he nods knowingly.
"Yeah. It sucks. I know it's the right thing to do, but Dad…"
"The right thing for who?" my dad asks.
"What?"
"It's the right thing for who, Xan? You? Tera? Did you ever ask her how she feels about this? And why is it the right thing? Why do you think you're so bad for her, son?" Dad questions.
"No. I didn't ask her. But you and I know I'd screw this up. I'd hurt her some way, some how, and I'd hate myself for it. She'd get upset from all the girls that hang around us. I don't think she'd realize it until it happened, but she'd get jealous and lose her faith in me. I can't let that happen, Dad." I lean forward, resting my elbows on my knees, looking up at him. "One day she's going to be mine, you know? I don't know how I'll know when the time is right, but I believe I'll know it when it happens. And, Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"I'm gonna marry her one day," I confess, my heart beating faster and lighter having said the words aloud to someone—finally.
Dad smiles, then puts his hand on my shoulder. "I know, Xan. I've known for a long time. I can't say as I understand your decision to be apart, because one day you're going to have to deal with everything you're trying to avoid right now. Maybe you should rethink this."
I tilt my head in contemplation. I suppose he's right. One day we'll deal with everything together. That's what couples do.
"I'll think about that, Dad. Thanks," I tell him, and I mean it—both the thanks and the fact that I'll be thinking long and hard about me and Tera.
Six months later (Age 16)
"Are you going to prom?" I hear Linc ask Tera. I came by to ask Mr. M about the lawn for dad, but it looks like I'm going to get a bonus.
"Yep," she tells him. I can hear the happiness in her voice and it makes me smile.
"With Winters?"
"Mhmm. He is my boyfriend," she teases.
"Yeah, but he's not the one for you and we both know it," Linc announces, surprising me.
I know eavesdropping is a bad thing for many reasons, but
I can't walk away. Not yet.
"Look, he doesn't want me, Linc. He has made that more than clear over the last few years. I'm not going to follow him around like a lost puppy anymore. I did that for the first year and a half after he told me he wasn't the one for me. I learned my lesson the hard way," she tells him, her breath hitching.
"What do you mean by that?" Linc questions.
Yeah. What does she mean by that?
She laughs mirthlessly. "I'd rather not relive that, okay?"
"Maybe you misunderstood the situation?"
She laughs again—this one cold and bitter. "No. There was no misunderstanding."
"But—"
"No! Okay? There was no misunderstanding! I'd decided to stop pining after him and the same day I got a note asking me to meet him at the shack," she tells him.
I never sent her a note like that. I'd never take Tera to the shack. The shack is where we take our chicks to fuck. It's not somewhere I'd take someone like Tera.
"He'd never do that. He would never take you to that place."
"Gee, thanks, Linc. Way to make a girl feel good."
"I don't mean it like that, T. I just mean—he wouldn't take you to a place like that. You know what goes on there."
"Oh, yeah. I know. And how I found out was a real fun time for me, let me tell you."
"What happened, T?"
I hear her blow out a breath and plop on her bed. I can see it in my mind—including the hurt and disappointment on her face. Christ. If she says what I think she's going to say…
"I got that note, you know? And I thought, finally. He's going to take another of my firsts. I wanted him to for so long. I thought he should be the one I'd give all my firsts to."
"Go on."
She clears her throat and sniffles. "Well, I went to the shack and I certainly did get another first. I got my first shock. I got my first look at Xander with another girl. I got my first live porn show. I got plenty of firsts, but the one that will always stand out the most is it was the first time my heart shattered. I mean, I knew he'd been screwing around with girls. I didn't like it, but I pretended it wasn't happening, you know? Ignorance is bliss and all that. And then I saw him. It would have been bad enough that he was with another girl but, God, Linc, he was with Gretchen."