by Yoru Sumino
“Heya, Non-chan, you goin’ out?”
“My name is not Non-chan.”
I tapped my umbrella along the ground, drawing closer to the little scene playing out between Kasai and Noto in front of our class’s shoe boxes. I noticed that Noto was holding her shoes and umbrella, currently donning said shoes. She had probably just come from the nurse’s office.
“Morning, Adachi-kun.”
“G’mornin’.”
“One of the first-years fell off of their bike and broke a bone, so I have to take them to the hospital.”
“You can’t just leave ’em?”
“Kasai, would you want me to leave you to fend for yourself if you broke a bone? There will be someone else in charge while I’m gone. You boys do your best in class today.”
With that, Noto hurried out of the entryway.
“I guess that’s just another of a school nurse’s duties,” said Kasai, laughing nonchalantly as he watched her walk away. “Still, seems like she’s got it pretty easy. It’s not like she’s gotta do all that much.”
Being a school nurse did seem pretty easy…from what we had seen firsthand, anyway.
But really, there was no reason to even consider anything more than that. Having the ability to imagine things beyond what you could see with your own two eyes was fruitless, excessive. Kasai knew this well enough. We switched from our sneakers into our indoor shoes, and finally, it was the start to another perfectly typical week.
I neither enjoyed nor particularly hated the fact that things were just as they always were. It was just that, even on days like these that weren’t especially bad, I still had to take care that my comfortable existence remained intact.
Honestly, I didn’t really need to be thinking about any of this. Once I was an adult, I would be free. I just had to live a proper life. That took even less work than avoiding traffic accidents. All I had to worry about was just avoiding the things that I shouldn’t do. There was no point in wondering now how long things might continue.
All that I had to maintain here was my place. I could come to school normally, sit for my lessons, and take my breaks. I just had to be sure that this tolerable status quo didn’t suddenly take a turn for the worse. I needed to keep on maintaining things as I had thus far, keep on with the strategies that had gotten me to where I was.
I, the human, could accomplish at least that much.
When I was a monster, though, things were different. With my imagination at my fingertips, I no longer had to focus so intensely on myself.
It was the same as always. As long as I could preserve the status quo, everything would be fine.
As long as I could keep doing the right thing, as I always had.
I settled my resolve and straightened my back. I ascended the stairs alongside Kasai, walked down the hall, and stepped into the classroom.
It was then that it happened.
Something landed at my feet.
I don’t know what course of events lead to this, or what was going on, or why this thing had ended up just at my feet. At this juncture, I had no idea what the item might be. All I knew was that, besides Kasai, the eyes of everyone in the classroom were on the thing that had landed at my feet, and on me.
Wondering just what it was, I glanced at the bulging white paper bag at my feet. There was something written on it. I took in the warped lettering.
Yano Satsuki.
It was Yano’s.
This was the moment of truth.
All of the things I had been thinking about since dawn spilled over in my mind, and amongst those thoughts was a spot that went pitch-black. From out of that darkness a dim thought of Iguchi drifted out. Actually, it wasn’t Iguchi. It was something far more terrifying—the thought of Iguchi’s harassment.
Here I was again, at the mercy of Murphy’s law.
I looked once again at the faces of everyone in the classroom. Everyone there was scrutinizing my actions. Amongst them was Yano, rushing my way with an “Oh!”
A shiver ran down my spine.
I had to do the right thing.
There would be no making the excuse that I wasn’t thinking. Being careful meant one could never leave these sort of things to chance.
I reconfirmed what lay at my feet. Though it was not for long, I thought hard, made my decision, and acted.
With my right foot, I stomped down on the white paper bag.
The thing inside made a crunching sound.
It was as though that sound was the key that undid the spell. With that single step of mine, time began to move in the classroom once more. Everyone turned their gazes away from me and returned to what they were doing.
I felt relief. That sound had cleared up any doubts I had about myself. I had done the right thing as a member of this class. With that fateful stomp as my first step, I continued straight on to my desk.
I knew at once that, normally, such an action would see me criticized, but that was the right thing to do, here in this room. I had merely evaluated my options and properly aligned myself with the views of my classmates. Yes, that was what I told myself.
As I set my bag on my desk, desperately trying to steady my racing heartbeat, Kudou jabbed me in the side. At first, I was afraid that she was going to reprimand me, but instead there was a lively grin upon her face.
Even Kudou should have known how wicked a thing it was to step on something belonging to someone else. Not just Kudou—that should have been common sense for everyone in the room. And yet, here was Kudou smiling, not a single one of my classmates looking to rebuke me for it, because what I had done was the right thing to do, only now, only here. I had succeeded by the barometer of how much ill-will or anger one should show towards Yano, by the strange metric this class used to judge one another. That test was sacred within these walls.
And I knew that. And yet, my heart kept beating faster and faster, because I could not find solace in the shelter of our class’s unique mindset. I should have recognized how important this was, but facts that only I—that only I and Yano— knew, kept me from feeling that righteousness.
The heat within my body rose as a war waged within my own heart.
If such a thing would have been allowed, I would have done anything to question Yano at once.
Why?
Why hadn’t she left something important to her at home? Why would she bring it to school during the day? In my moment of panic, I hadn’t even thought to hesitate, not knowing what was inside that bulging white bag. But I should have at least known what it was for.
And yet, I had stepped on it.
“Oh,” said Yano, picking up the bag, before peeking inside. “It’s…broken,” she muttered, trudging to the back of the classroom and shutting it inside of her locker. I watched as she did this, still sitting next to a gleeful Kudou.
There was no need to even set my powers of imagination to work. I had known the answer just from looking at that bag. I did not need to imagine it at all.
For the first time ever, true guilt panged within my heart. The guilt filled me like a balloon until I was ready to burst.
After all, I had seen in the wake of my own footstep one other warped line of letters on that white bag, below Yano’s name.
To: Noto-sensei.
It should be “for,” shouldn’t it?
Within my heart, I could only repeat that it was none of my business.
Monday
Night
YANO-SAN HAD BROUGHT IT with her during the day because that was the only time she could give it to her.
She had probably brought it all the way to class instead of giving it to her during arrival because she had happened to stop by the nurse’s office while Noto-sensei was busy tending to the injured first-year.
Though I had known that it was this week, I had no idea that Noto-sensei’s birthday was today.
However, knowing this did nothing to ease my feelings of guilt.
And so, that night, I decided to go and apologize.<
br />
I couldn’t apologize to her during the day, but I could at least do it at night. I, the monster, could accomplish at least that much.
It was the first time I’d be seeing Yano-san at night in a while. Realizing that it was also the first time that I had ever come for the express purpose of resolving something between us, I began to grow a bit nervous.
It was possible that she might not even come tonight. It was raining, after all. She might be depressed over what I had done to her.
If she was here, it was possible that she might be opposed to my apology. She might say that if it was something worth apologizing for, then I shouldn’t had done it in the first place. Even though I had acted correctly as a member of our class, I could not expect Yano-san to accept that.
I was uneasy, but I could deal with any complaints. However, I had no idea what I would do if her reaction was any more violent than that.
I thought of Yano-san’s face.
After a slightly more delayed transformation than usual, I flew to the school. With the power of my imagination, I sprouted wings like a giant bat and soared through the sky. I bet that if Yano-san saw those wings, she would be delighted, I thought to myself, hoping to absolve my own sin.
As always, when I arrived at school, I alighted upon the roof, remembering the first time that I had come there. This time, however, I didn’t feel that same rush that I did then. The only similarity between this time and that one was my own nervousness.
The school, as always, was quiet. Though the building was all shut up for the night, not a single door or window open, it felt far more accessible than it ever did during the day, full of the chatter of students, the warmth of bodies.
It was because I was a monster and because there was no one here right now. When I was a human, I felt closed in. Not by walls or ceilings but by people’s sense of justice, their ill intent, and their shared sense of unity.
There was no doubting that Yano-san felt even more trapped, more stifled, than I did.
Of course she would. This empty, open school at night was probably the only place where she could breathe freely.
Suddenly, I felt like for the first time, I truly understood what she meant by “midnight break.”
I soon arrived at the front of the classroom, opening the door before I gathered my full resolve. The more prepared I was, the less likely that I would have been able to show my face.
Yano-san was inside the classroom, sitting at her seat, as always. She looked my way and opened her mouth stupidly.
“Whoa, long…time no…see.”
There had only been two nights where I hadn’t shown up. Four, if you include the weekend, but perhaps Yano-san felt the passage of time a bit differently than I did.
The daytime probably felt very long for her.
“Yeah, been a while.”
I moved to the back of the classroom and morphed myself into a comfortable size. As I wondered how to break the ice, Yano-san put her phone into her pocket and turned back towards me.
“So,” she said, and I grew uneasy, worried that I was about to be attacked for what I had done during the day. “Have you been any…where fun lately?”
I was wrong.
It was a question, abrupt as always. I nodded, assuming that she was referring to the nighttime.
“I’ve been a lot of places.”
“Really?”
“Nowhere super fun, though. I tried going a bunch of places to sightsee, but there was no one around, and shrines and stuff are super creepy to go to at night.”
“It’s weird… that you get scared…even when you look like…that.”
As always, her choice of words was just a little bit off, I thought. It was the kind of phrasing that invited conflicts and misunderstandings. Still, I was not going to bother saying anything about that today.
“Acchi…kun, do you prefer…Europe or A…sia?”
“What’s with those two choices? I’ve never been outside Japan.”
“I see. I…was actually wondering, what would happen if…you went overseas at…night, and it turned to morning because of the…time difference.”
“…I wonder about that, too.”
I hadn’t thought of it before, but her innocent question bothered me.
“It’d probably be bad if you turned…back into your daytime form over…the ocean.”
“…That’d be dangerous.”
Just this morning at dawn, I had been thinking that I might go overseas. Perhaps it would be best to put those thoughts to rest.
“I wonder if you could ma…nipulate time with your powers of i…magination, Acchi-kun.”
“No way. I’m pretty sure I can’t control anything outside of myself.”
Even with this impossible form of mine, some things were still out of the question.
“I…see.”
Her disappointment was easy to read, almost conspicuously so. She looked up at the ceiling and sputtered out a sigh.
“I thought you…could make it nighttime for…ever.”
I concealed the chattering of my body.
If only it could be night forever.
That was probably an earnest desire for Yano-san.
Still, that was impossible. No matter what, morning would come, even if for Yano-san the rising of the sun must have felt like standing before the gates of Hell. There was no such thing as an endless night. It pained me that there was no way that I could possibly grant her wish.
“Well, have you tried?” I thought she might ask.
Unfortunately for her, if I really could make the night draw on longer, it would have already happened.
It would have happened even before the first time I encountered her at night. Because I, too, had always thought how nice it would be if the night went on forever. And yet the sun always rose. I returned to my human form, changed my clothes, ate breakfast, and headed to school.
Even I, who did not hate school from the bottom of my heart, had had such thoughts. I understood Yano-san’s words, and the fact that they were more than just passing suggestion, so much that it hurt.
How nice it would be, if my powers lent me such ability. Maybe, if I thought harder, harder than I ever had before, I might be able to grant her that eternal night.
“So, what…should we do…to…night?”
Apparently she hadn’t noticed how my droplets quivered.
“I mean, I dunno.”
Naturally, I hadn’t been thinking about such things. I had come here to apologize, after all. But I was still a bit relieved to hear Yano-san’s question, to hear her tossing out suggestions as usual, not appearing particularly upset about what happened earlier that day. Maybe she did understand that what I had done was only the logical next step of the things that our classmates had done.
Even so, I still couldn’t think of a way to broach that conversation.
“The baseball club’s window isn’t even broken anymore,” I said.
“They probably couldn’t keep up with it any…more.”
“Keep up with what?”
“Let’s…go to the…gym.”
Yano-san completely ignoring my question raised my hopes. The same as always. She was the same as always.
It might be nice to go to the gym. It was a more open space, and in a less serious atmosphere. It might be easier for me to apologize, and there would be plenty of things there to pass the time.
I decided to go along with her suggestion.
“Acchi…kun, you don’t really have any…opinions, do you?”
“I mean, there’s just nowhere that I really want to go in the school at night.”
“Oh, I…see.”
Her observation might have actually contained a deeper dig at my own character, I thought momentarily, but I felt sure that I was overthinking it.
I had Yano-san exit the room first and then locked the door. “That’s so han…dy,” said Yano-san as she watched me dispatch a clone to run ahead, though she had already seen me do
that plenty of times before.
We descended the stairs and headed for the gym. Yano-san’s footsteps were as noisy as ever, but I didn’t scold her for it. We passed by the changing rooms and by the place where I had kicked her. Beyond the passageway, the door to the gymnasium was firmly shut.
Yano-san waited by the door while I slipped inside.
I returned from my liquid-like state back into my full monster form. The interior of the gym was like being sealed away in an airtight prison. Amidst the piercing silence, it was as though I could hear the echoes of all of the sounds generated by the classes and club practices during the day, shut up in here with me.
Suddenly growing fearfully aware of the fact that I was literally shut inside, I quickly opened the door with my tail. Without so much as a word of thanks, Yano-san, who was still waiting patiently, shed her shoes and stepped into the gym. She took in a deep breath, an almost calculated motion.
“It feels like…there’s a lot of sounds in…here.”
Seriously? That’s what she picked up on by doing that? Not the smell? Then again, I couldn’t say anything, since I had thought the exact same thing.
As I closed the door again with my tail, she let out a big noise. “Whoooa. It’s su…per dark in…here.”
“Yeah.”
The emergency lights were on, of course, but in a space as large as the gym, that amount of light wasn’t enough for the human eye to rely on.
“Hang on a minute,” I said.
I leapt up to the upper floor, leaving Yano-san standing there as I opened up all of the curtains on the high windows with my tail and turned on one row of lights. That should have been enough for Yano-san, the human, to see as well as I could. I prayed that it would not be so much that anyone outside would notice.
By the time I returned, Yano-san had run over to the wall and begun walking along the perimeter of the gym. I changed myself to my comfortable resting size.
Unlike me, the tiny Yano-san had a tiny stride as well, so walking the full length took her some time, after which she returned to me. As she returned, she pointed up at the ceiling.
“Hey… Acchi-kun, go get…that.”