“I love you, Papa.”
“I love you too, Lavinia.”
As Alex held his daughter, he felt the bitterness of the past drain away. Lavinia moved him in a way that nothing else in his life had, except perhaps Julia.
“I must go now, Papa. I will see you in the morning.” She blew him a kiss and slipped out the door.
Alex felt that a terrible burden had lifted from his shoulders. Mr. Hardman entered the room. “Send me an invoice for your services, William. I won’t be pursuing this any longer.”
“Are you certain, Alex?”
“More certain than I have been about anything.” He shook Mr. Hardman’s hand.
The next morning, Lavinia stood with Claire on the front steps of the apartment building. She was dressed in her other new outfit.
“I am so excited, Claire.”
“I am happy for you, Lavinia.”
“There he is!” Lavinia waved enthusiastically.
Alex drove up in an elegant carriage and got out.
“You look lovely, Lavinia,” said Papa giving her a kiss on the forehead. “Are you ready?”
“I am!”
“I’ll have her back this afternoon, Claire.”
“That will be fine, Alex. Have a wonderful time, Lavinia.”
“Oh, I shall!” Lavinia hugged Claire, and sat in the seat next to Papa.
“All right, are you ready?” asked Alex.
“Of course, Papa, but where are we going?”
“We’re off to Central Park to ice skate!” shouted Alex.
“Hooray!”
Lavinia and Papa sang all the way to the park.
Papa brought his own skates, and rented a pair for Lavinia. Lavinia was delighted to find that Papa was a surprisingly good skater.
“Your mother loved to skate,” he told her. “We came here many times.”
“Well, I’m used to skating on Millstone Pond,” gasped Lavinia, narrowly avoiding another skater. “I usually don’t have to worry about being run over.”
“I’ll watch out for you, Lavinia,” laughed Papa grabbing her hand and whirling her around.
They skated until their cheeks glowed bright red, and their fingers grew numb from the cold. They retired to the clubhouse to warm their feet by the wood stove.
“I shall remember this day all my life,” said Lavinia contentedly. She and Papa sat on a bench, sipping hot tea with cinnamon sticks.
“So shall I,” replied Papa. “Are you hungry? There is a wonderful delicatessen down the street.”
“That’s a grand idea, Papa.”
They returned Lavinia’s skates, and walked down to Ackermans. The small restaurant was crowded and noisy, and they were lucky to find two stools at the counter. Papa ordered the corned beef platter for himself, and a bowl of pea soup for Lavinia.
“I’m glad we’re sharing, Papa. I don’t think I could eat that much by myself,” commented Lavinia as she eyed the oversized plate piled high with corned beef, potato salad, and pickles.
“I think we’ll manage it together.” Alex took a large bite of his sandwich. “Delicious!” he said appreciatively.
Lavinia crunched on a kosher pickle. “Delicious!” she echoed.
They sat side by side, enjoying their lunch. Despite Lavinia’s protests that she couldn’t eat another bite, Alex ordered a large slice of cheesecake. They both savored the rich dessert, and ate every last morsel. Afterwards, they walked through Central Park enjoying the crisp air. After a time, Alex’s mood became somber.
“Are you all right, Papa?” asked Lavinia anxiously.
“I was thinking of your mother. She was so young and beautiful. I only wanted her to be happy. I tried my best.”
“Aunt Belle told me about the argument with Grandmama and Grandpapa.”
“They were protective of Julia which was understandable. Your mother was only eighteen, but she was a sensible girl and not prone to rash actions. Certainly, some of their concerns were justified. New York is a big city, and Julia had been very sheltered. They also disapproved of her friendship with that Irish fellow, Timothy. They sent her to Philadelphia because of it.”
“You knew about Timothy?”
“Of course. It was just a schoolgirl’s fancy. Julia was terribly upset by their actions.”
“Perhaps they were just worried, Papa.”
“If they were so worried about an undesirable suitor, then they should have fully supported our marriage. Instead, they turned against her. Julia suffered unnecessarily, and the situation placed undue strain upon our relationship.”
“I’m sorry, Papa.”
“You have no need to be, Lavinia. You were our hope of reconciliation with John and Constance, and your mother was overjoyed. We had no control over the events that transpired. Constance persuaded Julia to remain at Millstone Manor, and I believe that she stayed out of guilt. I should have brought your mother home myself, but I did not want to jeopardize her health. Instead, I allowed my wounded feelings to influence my actions. I stayed away and lost precious time. I’m afraid I didn’t cope well without her by my side. As a result, I made bad choices.”
Lavinia nodded in sympathy, and held Papa’s hand.
“You remind me so much of her, Lavinia. Julia was kind to everyone, and went out of her way to make others happy. She understood important things about people that few take time to consider. Constance and John interfered too much, and didn’t trust Julia to make her own decisions. They were wrong about her.”
“I think Grandmama feels badly about what happened.”
“I’m sure she does, but has she changed, Lavinia? You are my daughter and now I must come to a decision about what is best for you. I don’t want to repeat past mistakes.”
Lavinia leaned her head on Papa’s shoulder. “I don’t know what to say, Papa. What is right for one person is not necessarily right for another.”
Alex put his arm around Lavinia. “We have many people to consider, which complicates the matter. However, we cannot lose sight of the most important issue, and that is preserving our relationship. We must try to bring our families together.”
“How will we do that, Papa?”
“I don’t know Lavinia but somehow we will find a way. Claire will take you home tomorrow. I will be in touch.”
“It will be soon, though, right Papa?” asked Lavinia hopefully.
Papa brushed back a strand of Lavinia’s hair and kissed her forehead. “Don’t worry, Lavinia. I’m not going anywhere. You are my daughter, and I intend to start acting like a proper father.” He pulled out his pocket watch. “The day has passed far too quickly to suit me. It is time that I took you back to Belle’s.” They collected the carriage and drove home in silence, both dreading the time of parting.
Claire came down the stairs with Bubbles as they drove up. She held the little pug as Lavinia hugged and kissed Papa.
“I can hardly bear to say good-bye,” wept Lavinia.
“My dear, sweet daughter, give me one of your beautiful smiles before I go,” said Papa tenderly, as he wiped the tears from her face.
They embraced for several minutes.
“Be brave, little one,” whispered Papa as he gently untangled himself. “Take good care of her, Claire.”
“I will Alex,” said Claire with tears in her eyes.
Lavinia took Bubbles from Claire and waved until the car was out of sight.
“You’ll see your papa soon,” said Claire. “Let’s pack for the trip home tomorrow Lavinia.”
Lavinia nodded, but she realized that for the first time in her life, she wasn’t sure where home was.
Pepper -“Send Me an Answer”
Chapter 21
In the weeks that followed, Lavinia wandered about Millstone Manor in a daze. She lost interest in the activities she normally shared with Annie, and even Kevin could not penetrate the distance she placed between herself and her family. She spent most of her time alone, wondering what Papa would decide. Would he take her to
New York to live with him? If so, what would happen to her place at home? Who would take care of Annie? Would she still feel Mama’s presence if she lived far away? Would Grandmama and the General stop missing her after awhile?
Lavinia had not realized how much she depended upon Grandmama for nearly everything, and didn’t know if she could survive without her calm, dependable guidance. Yet, she loved Papa and missed him terribly. They had lost so much time together, and it didn’t seem right to live apart. She knew so little about him and what she did know terrified her. The thought of Charlotte and the girls filled her with dismay, and she was certain that they would never include her as part of their family. It was during those dark days that Lavinia learned that it was possible to want something, and not want it, at the same time.
“I am too young to worry about such things,” she thought anxiously as she sat in her window seat. Torrents of rain slashed against the window pane. Thunder crashed near the house, and lightning flickered across the room, throwing ghostly shadows up on the walls. Bubbles climbed into her lap and cowered in her arms. Lavinia clung to him and bowed her head, burdened by the enormity of her thoughts. She closed her eyes and let the storm pass through her.
Constance stood in the doorway of Lavinia’s room, her hands crossed over her heart. Lavinia’s state of mind was not lost on Constance, and the scars of the past, safely buried, rubbed fresh and raw deep within her soul. Constance was reminded of Julia’s conflicted emotions in the days before the wedding, and her own helplessness. She had lost her daughter’s trust by siding with her husband, and mother and child never regained their close relationship. Constance felt powerless as she saw Lavinia reliving the same experience, and bitterly resented Alex’s ability to reach into the comfortable confines of her family and wrench them away from her. “I don’t have John here to support me now,” she reflected, “and I am no longer as young as I was. I don’t know if I can do this alone.” Troubled, she turned and went into her own room, not wishing to disturb Lavinia.
Annie stood at the top of the stairs and watched Constance silently walk down the hall. She bunched her hands into fists and ran into Lavinia’s room, stomping her feet.
Lavinia looked up. “What is it Annie?”
Annie shook her fists at Lavinia. She picked up one of Lavinia’s dolls on the bed and threw it on the floor.
“Stop that, Annie. What are you doing?” Lavinia said indignantly.
Bubbles jumped from her lap. Annie picked up another doll and threw it on the floor.
“I told you to stop that, Annie!”
Annie grabbed Lavinia’s note cards on the desk. Lavinia jumped up from the window seat and reached for the cards. Annie danced out of Lavinia’s reach and threw the cards in the air. Disgusted, Lavinia took hold of Annie’s arm.
Annie whirled around and punched Lavinia in the chest, knocking her over. She threw herself on top of Lavinia, and began pounding her with her fists. Lavinia grabbed both of Annie’s arms and flipped her on her back. She pinned Annie to the floor.
“What are you doing, Annie? What is the matter?”
Annie sobbed as though her heart were breaking. Lavinia pulled her up into a sitting position and put her arms around her. She smoothed down Annie’s hair and held her.
“Shush, Annie,” she whispered.
“Go.....go.....I don’t...care...”
Lavinia realized that Annie was speaking. “Annie! Annie! You’re talking!” cried Lavinia.
“I hate you!” sobbed Annie. She threw herself on the floor and put her head on her arms. “I’m all alone with no one to love me. I’m just a dirty orphan.”
“That is not true, Annie,” said Lavinia. “Please don’t say that.”
Constance entered the room. “What happened, Lavinia? I heard shouting.”
“Annie started talking, Grandmama.”
“Lavinia’s papa is taking Lavinia away from me!” wailed Annie.
Constance knelt down and pulled Annie into her arms. She reached out for Lavinia and held both girls tightly. “No one is going anywhere,” she said firmly. “We are a family, and we are staying together.”
“Maybe we need to change the way we think about our family, Grandmama,” said Lavinia. “We must accept that there are more of us now.”
Constance released both girls and sat back on her heels.
“What will happen to me?” demanded Annie. “Am I going away too?”
“Annie,” said Constance firmly. “I wish to speak with Lavinia. Go downstairs and get a cookie from Mrs. Lawson.”
Annie stood up and stomped out of the room.
Constance brushed back a strand of hair from Lavinia’s forehead and said gently, “Is that what you think, child?”
“We must practice tolerance, Grandmama, or there can be no solution that is acceptable to everyone. Papa and Mama hoped that I would bring us all together again. I believe that I can still do that, Grandmama, but you must believe it also. We are not pulling apart. We are finally coming together.”
Constance smiled wearily. “I see that you are putting your virtues into practice.”
“I think we need them now more than ever.”
“So it would seem. I received a letter from your father today.”
“What did he say?”
“He wishes to come to Philadelphia to speak with us regarding your future.”
“When?”
Constance stood up. “We have decided to meet at Mr. Stewart’s office on Friday.”
“Mr. Stewart will help us, Grandmama. You will see.”
“We must also help ourselves, Lavinia. There is much to consider, as you have already discovered with Annie. Fear of loss can make a person capable of almost anything.”
“I choose to believe that there is much to gain,” replied Lavinia.
Constance nodded. “Ellinor May is coming to supper. Her calming influence will do us all good.”
“Especially the General,” Lavinia agreed.
“Yes, he has not been himself. I’ll see you at supper, dear.”
Lavinia returned to the window seat, and Bubbles settled back into her lap. Rain beat steadily against the window pane, but the worst of the storm appeared to be over. She picked up her journal and reread what Grandmama had written on the first page:
Today I offer you the seven heavenly virtues: love, creativity, wisdom, truth, tolerance, freedom, & courage. These qualities are necessary for happiness, and a happy life is my greatest wish for you.
Grandmama gave her the virtues because she wanted Lavinia to have a happy life and that made sense. “We can wish happiness for others, but we cannot be responsible for it,” she thought. “I must remember that my own happiness depends upon the choices I make for myself.”
Annie appeared at the door clutching Sweet Pea. She was drenched. Her hair was matted and she had mud all over her dress and stockings.
“Goodness Annie, what have you been up to?”
“Sweet Pea was out in the storm. I had to get him.”
“That was very brave of you, Annie. Ellinor May is coming to dinner. Do you want me to help you clean up?”
Annie nodded and Lavinia peeled off Annie’s wet clothes. She wrapped her in a robe, and took the pitcher down to get hot water. When she returned, Annie was lying on the bed with her back to Lavinia. She looked very small and alone. Lavinia regretted that she had contributed to Annie’s isolation. She set the pitcher down, and sat next to Annie.
“I love you, Annie. I hope you know that.”
Annie nodded.
“When you came here, I meant it when I said I would take care of you.”
“How can you do that in New York?”
“Do you really think I stand a chance against Olive and Mina without you?” asked Lavinia. “They’ll tear me to pieces.”
Annie sat up. “Not while I’m around,” she said, shaking her fist.
“Exactly,” said Lavinia. “We must rely on each other, Annie. We are going to meet with Papa o
n Friday and I need you to come with me.”
“What if he doesn’t want me?”
“Papa wants what I want, Annie. I believe that.”
“I hope so, Lavinia, because I ain’t lettin’ you go without a fight,” said Annie defiantly.
“Good. Let’s get washed up. Ellinor May should be here any minute.”
Peace had again settled into their relationship, and both felt stronger by their decision to stick together. They changed quickly, and walked into the dining room arm in arm.
Ellinor May and the General were deep in conversation. It was obvious that the General was in a bad way, and Ellinor May was providing comfort as best as she could.
“How is it possible that Timothy escaped the battlefield only to die in an accident? Ellinor May, I have held fast to my faith despite all that I have seen in my lifetime, but I cannot help but question why things happen the way they do,” wept the General.
“Edward, no one can predict why or how life unfolds for any of us. We hold on to our faith to guide us in the right direction when all else fails.”
“I have no direction anymore, my dear.”
Ellinor May held the General in her arms. “That is not true, Edward. I am part of your direction and I believe that my aunt would wish that to be so.” She turned to Annie.
“Annie, please find Mrs. Constance.” Annie ran out of the room.
Lavinia knelt down next to the General and held his hand. “This time will pass, Sir.”
Constance arrived, and she and Ellinor May helped the General up the stairs. Kevin met them at the top.
“‘Tis rest he needs, and time,” said Kevin sadly.
“Can you manage this, Kevin?” asked Constance. “I can call for Oliver.”
“Our Oliver is a fine boy, but I wouldna’ feel right if I couldna’ help the General now. ‘Tis slow goin’ sure, but we’re sharing the same burden.” He put one of his crutches against the wall, and took the General’s arm. “We’ll do just fine, right Sir?”
“So we will, son,” said the General weakly. “So we will.”
Constance carried Kevin’s crutch as she went ahead to prepare the room. Lavinia watched Kevin and the General hobble down the hall. Consumed by guilt and fear, she felt her heart beat loudly in her chest.
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