by Karla Lopez
By the time the other fighter is heaving, and I've received enough blows to allow a comeback I start to punch him so hard my knuckles skin tears and my blood is mixed with his. I kick so hard until I hear the snap of bones and hear the agony in his voice due to the pain. I have a dark monster living inside of me and I only release it when one man comes to mind.
My father.
Marks bodyguards pull me off of the guy who's no longer awake. After they get him help and see that he's okay, they announce me as the winner. The prize money from the bets is five grand and if I wasn't loaded already that would be a blessing, but I decide to bless someone else. I make my way to Michael who has been hiding from me all night I'm guessing Katelyn told him I knew about them. Fucker is going to hear me out.
"Michael I fucking saw you bend down."
I hear a "fuck" and he stands up, "What can I do for you Austin?"
"I heard you're dating my sister?"
"Yes, but I love her. You look horrible by the way."
I grin, "Thanks, didn’t notice." I mock in a sarcastic tone. "And that's what I want to hear. Take care of her and be careful with my father. He's a bastard. And here so you can take her out somewhere nice or pay for your college classes I know you're taking. Yes, I checked you out. I needed to know you're heading somewhere good with my sister."
"Fuck. Austin, I can't take this. It's five grand."
"I'm not taking it back. I don't need the money. And I like you kid." I wink at him and make my way to my car.
It’s midnight when I leave the gym and I don't feel any better. I still feel the same itch and craving. I need to see her. I know she can make all the noise disappear. I know that her warmth is enough. Even though she hasn't said it, her love is there, and I need it. When I get to Emma's I sneak into her bedroom doors that lead outside to a small patio. When I get inside everything is dark, but the moonlight that is seeping through her glass wall I can see her sleeping so peacefully.
Fuck, I love her. I really do and it fucking sucks because she'll never be able to truly love me back. How can you love someone you don't really know anything about? I strip out of my clothes and leave my briefs on and make my way to her. I get into her bed slowly, so I won't wake her. I lay my head on her chest and just listen to her heartbeat, I know she's not asleep anymore because her breathing isn't even.
Her soft hands go into my hair.
"Austin," She whispers into the air.
I feel safe here. I know that I can tell her even though I'll hate myself for it in the morning, "My mom and sister died nine years ago today and it was all my fault."
With that last sentence, exhaustion hits me harder than any blow I received tonight, and I fall asleep on her while listening to her heartbeat before she gets a chance to even respond.
Emma
I wake up to an empty bed, there's no Austin. I don't think I dreamt him being here because he felt too real. I look around me to grab my phone where I find a few messages;
Lauren: Hey bitch, I would like to hang like yesterday. Like I know you have a hot writer boyfriend and want to be all over him, but your best friend needs some quality time.
Austin: Hey baby, I had to go and didn't want to wake you. I'm holding you in my chest a little closer today. Xx.
Kyle: Hey Brains, missing you. Hope to catch up soon.
All the messages warm my heart. I have people who care about my existence. I text Austin back first to ask him how he's feeling, but he doesn't answer. I wonder what he's doing. My chest feels heavy with the confession that Austin gave me last night. It shocked me that he actually told me one of his secrets. I know it must have been hard for him especially what’s held inside that secret.
I text Kyle to see if he wants to go grab coffee together and Lauren telling her that we should go shopping later today. I actually hate shopping, but Lauren loves it and she's always doing things I like. So, I have to give to get unless I want to be a shitty best friend. It sounds appealing, but she's my first real friend and I don't want to ruin it. Kyle texts back asking if we can meet there an hour, which gives me enough time to get ready.
I change into blue skinny jeans with a grey "you're killing me smalls" t-shirt and my black chucks. I brush out my hair and curl it into loose curls that hang low on my long brown hair. I apply light natural makeup and place a beanie on top of my head to finish the look and make my way to the coffee shop. When I get there, I spot Kyle by my favorite spot to sit next to the window, in front of him are two coffee mugs. He looks chill and it's so funny to me how one day he can look like such an elegant handsome lawyer to a hot college dude. He's wearing grey joggers with black Nike shoes, a white long-sleeved t-shirt and a black beanie on top of his head.
And man, he looks hot. He looks like sex and I'm not sure why I'm starting to feel flustered over my reaction to him.
I walk to him nervously and sit down, his smile is warm and welcoming, "Hey Kyle."
"Hey there, brains." Brains. There we go with that nickname.
"How have you been?" I say nervously.
"I'm happier that I get to see you." I smile at him because Kyle fills me with a gentle kind of happiness that makes me intrigued by him. It's a familiar feeling, but I can't place my finger on what. "Me too."
We end up talking for an hour about how school is going for the both of us and he shares how excited he is to be interning at his stepdad’s law firm, which only makes me think of Austin. His stepdad is Austin's dad and I feel guilty with being here with Kyle it's not fair to the both of them. I know how Austin feels towards Kyle even though I don't know the reason behind it. There's something about Kyle that I can't let go of him, it's like some of our strings are attached. I don't know how or in what way, but they're there and I can't ignore them. And I also don't want to.
He ends up asking the question that I'm dreading, "Can I ask you what's going on with you and Austin?"
"What do you mean?" I am stalling. That's my plan.
"Yeah, at the pizza place Jake asked if you guys were still dating."
"Oh, that. Yes, Austin and I are dating."
"I see." His face falls and something tugs in my chest, but I don't know why. It makes me feel guilty towards Austin.
"I don't want me dating Austin to interfere with our friendship."
His eyebrows lift in surprise, "You still want to be friends even though you're dating Austin?"
"Yes, I like being your friend. You're good to me Kyle and I like having you around and Austin doesn't tell me what to do."
His smile is warm, and I grin back at him. Kyle has the warmth of a kind person who was just born naturally that way. He wasn't taught or faking it, that's who he is. Maybe that's why I want to keep him around. His phone beeps with a text message and he tells me he has to go and that we'll hang out soon again. I like knowing that I'm going to see him again. I feel guilty for Austin once again as Kyle leaves. I know I'm doing wrong, but I can't just walk away from him. I type a text message to Austin to make me feel better.
I'm holding you in my chest closer right now.
He texts back, I miss you baby.
I smile at his text it fills me with warmth knowing how lucky I am. I sit there in the café until I finish my coffee filled with pure bliss.
∞∞∞
I meet Lauren in the mall where she wants to shop, we've been here for an hour and I might lose my mind. Shopping has never been appealing to me not even when I have the money nor the need for something. I tell her about my recent sexual encounters with Austin because I'm not experienced and need advice. Lauren has slept with a total of three guys, the guy she lost her virginity to, her first love, and Luke. Which was weird hearing about the guy I use to eat dirt with be dirty towards Lauren.
Lauren convinces me I need new underwear and bras which she picks, but thankfully they're modest in colors. I'm not a bright color kind of girl. Pastels and pale colors are more my type. It makes me excited to have new lingerie for Austin, which reminds me I have an app
ointment next week with my GYN to get birth control. "Can you come with me to the GYN next week?"
"Sure, wait for what?"
"I'm getting on birth control."
"Are you guys going to have sex without a condom?"
I tilt my head in thought, "I'm not sure yet, I really don't care since I know that neither of us is sleeping with anyone else and we're both clean."
"Yeah. It’s important to be smart." She says while looking through a rack of clothes.
"I think I still want to use one. I don't want to take any chances of getting pregnant."
"That's a good point." She picks a couple of items off the rack and lays them on her arm. If she puts anymore her arm is going to fall off.
I take this as a good opportunity to ask her about how I'm feeling towards Kyle. "Can I ask you something?"
"Sure. What is it?" She asks while her eyes are towards the clothing rack.
"Do you ever feel attracted to other guys even you being with Luke?"
"Fuck yes, I mean there's no harm in looking, but I don't really find any guy attractive enough to be interested in talking to them. I mean good looking guys are nice to look at, but it doesn't mean I want them. Why?"
"I don't know I saw Kyle today..."
She gives me a pointed look, "Emma."
"What? He's just a friend."
She lets out an exasperated sigh, "So? You know how Austin feels about him."
"But Austin doesn't tell me what to do. And I like him as a friend that I find attractive."
She lets out another sigh, "Just think about it this way, you wouldn't like it if Austin was hanging out with another girl who was a 'friend'—" She uses her fingers as air quotes—"and he finds her attractive.
I stay quiet and think about her words, she has a point Austin doesn't deserve this and I wouldn't like it one bit if Austin was hanging out with another girl who I felt towards the same that Austin does for Kyle. I know I have to create some distance with Kyle especially after realizing that I am attracted to him and that can't be healthy for Austin and me.
I feel like a terrible person knowing I saw Kyle without Austin knowing. I pull out my phone and send Austin a quick text, Hey, can you come over tonight?
I send another in clear desperation for my guilt, Please. I miss you.
Austin reply's a few minutes later, Can't. Busy today.
Busy? Well, okay then.
I roll my eyes at his reply and turn my phone over to Lauren so she can see his reply. She chuckles and rolls her eyes too. “Other than Austin being clearly hot, what do you see in him? He’s so broody. Let Luke answer me like that and he’s getting junk punched.”
“Junk punched?” My eyebrows draw into each other in confusion.
“Yeah—” Lauren makes a motion of a fist and she motions towards my crotch.
As realization hits me my eyes widen, “You’re fucking crazy you know that?”
“Yes, and I embrace it.” She flips her hair over her shoulder to emphasize her point.
I chuckle, “I don’t even know how Luke handles you.”
“If he knows what’s good for him, he treats me right not like Austin that’s always disappearing on you and you don’t really know with who, what, and where.”
My face falls at her response, “Austin, treats me right. He just has a lot going on.”
“Look I’m not trying to be mean. I’m trying to be a friend. Eventually ‘a lot going on’ is going to get old.” She uses air quotes again. I know she’s right, but it hurts for someone to point it out. I don’t want anyone to think bad about Austin, but I know he’s doing it all on his own. I know Austin and I know he cares about me and wouldn’t intentionally hurt me.
Austin
I REACH INTO THE pocket of my jeans to retrieve my phone that keeps beeping; its Emma. Yeah, I've been ignoring her since I snuck out of her house a couple of days ago. I didn’t want her to see my body. It looks like I was hit by a bus. My face looks so much better, he hardly got any good hits to my face, which means I only have one bruise left on the side of my cheek, and it's barely noticeable. But my body is a different story. My fucking ribcage is blue and purple and it fucking hurts like a bitch, so I’m avoiding Emma. It's nothing new, seems like I do that every few months. I'm a fucking dick.
There's a knock on my door as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling. I'm expecting for Katelyn or Amy to walk in, they're the only ones whoever look for me, but it's not them, it's Kyle. "What the fuck do you want?"
"Can I ask why your girlfriend is asking where you live?"
Fuck, Emma. "How do you even know she's my girlfriend?"
"She told me." He answers calmly, but my blood is already boiling.
I stand on my feet, "She told you? When did you see her?"
"Couple days ago."
"Why the fuck would she be seeing you?"
"We're friends." He answers matter-of-factly.
"Friends my ass. Don't you dare ever tell her where we live."
"Why, what's so wrong with that?"
I'm starting to lose my patience as I stare at him in disbelief, "Because you know how much of a fucking bastard my father is and you should fucking know that better than anyone." His face goes pale as I walk out of my room and head to my car. I'm going to Emma's house to get a fucking explanation for her seeing Kyle after I told her not to. When I get there the only car in her driveway is hers. I walk into her room through the outside of the patio and the sound of the shower fills my ears. If I wasn't fucking livid, I would join her, but I'm pissed. I want my father and Kyle as far as fucking possible from Emma.
I sit on the bed and wait for her to come out of the bathroom. After fifteen minutes she makes her way into her room. She has a white cotton towel clung onto her body and her wet dark hair is sticking to her shoulders and towel. When her eyes meet mine, she screams startled and holds her chest and I almost laugh. Almost. "What the hell Austin? You scared me."
I keep my eyes cool as I ask her, "Where are your uncles and dad?" I ask because I'm about to have a very angry discussion with their daughter and I wouldn't like any interruption.
She heaves a sigh, "They're at a conference for the whole week." Perfect.
"Question, would you like to explain why you met up with Kyle?" Her eyes flash with panic which makes me feel wary of the situation being a lot worse than them just talking.
"Kyle is my friend." She swallows and looks away from me.
"I don't fucking care! I. hate. him. Emma, you don't understand I fucking hate him."
"If you just told me wh—"
"NO Emma! I will not tell you why because it's not something I talk about. But the fucking fact that you went behind my back and saw him, and I had to find out by the asshole makes me fucking livid."
Emma's eyes turn from panic to pure anger. "First of all Austin you have ignored me all week, how was I supposed to tell you dumbass. Second, you don't get to tell me who to hang out with, you can't control me."
"Emma it's not about control, it's about your safety."
"Kyle isn't violent."
"You don't know that Emma." My voices begins to rise the more I talk to her, the more she infuriates me.
"Well, why don't you enlighten me."
"No, Emma just fucking listen to me and stay away."
"Austin no, you don't tell me what to do and if you don't like that then there's the door. It's so easy for you to ignore me that I'm pretty sure it won't be that hard for you to forget me and move on."
Her words are a slap to the face because she's partially right. I'm a dick to ignore her, but I can't forget her even if I try. With those words, she walks away from me and goes into her closet, I'm guessing to change, but I don't waste another minute. I walk in her closet and she already has her panties on while the rest of her is naked, but her back is towards me.
"Emma."
"No Austin, just go. It's for the best I can't give you what you want."
"Emma, don't fucking say that to me
."
"Austin, just go. I'm serious. It's already 10 pm and I want to go to bed."
I walk back into the bedroom and sit on the bed and wait. There's no way in hell that I'm going to leave her alone after this fight. She walks back in with a t-shirt hanging to her midthighs and if we weren't fighting, I could enjoy feeling her skin against me. Fuck, how I’ve missed her. She shuts the lights off and slips into bed clearly ending our conversation, but it's far from over. For now, I'll give her what she wants and wait till the morning. I slip into bed beside her keeping enough distance between us. It makes me feel uneasy and anxious to not be touching her. I don't even bother to take off my clothes. Soon her breathing evens out and I follow her into a deep sleep.
In the morning I wake up to an empty bed and I fucking hate this feeling in my chest. My phone beeps next to me, it's Amy, my stepmother, calling. I pick up the phone and see that it's only 7:30 am. Where the fuck is Emma?
"Hey, Shane"—I roll my eyes at her use of my first name. It makes my blood boil knowing that my identity even holds the man I hate the most—"I need a huge favor. Your dad is at work. I have to meet a client and Lucy has a fever. Can you please take Katelyn to school and Lucy to the pediatrician? Please, you're so good with her and she won't give the nanny a good time getting checked out."
"Yes, that's fine. I'll be right over."
"Thank you so much, Austin."
After hanging up with Amy I make my way into the living room and find Emma sprawl out on the couch with a book in one hand and a cup of coffee in the other. The nightshirt she’s wearing has risen up and her lacey white panties are on full display. My morning erection is liking the sight of her. I watch her for a few more seconds as she's deep into her book. She keeps lazily opening her legs and closing them, it's like she knows she's teasing me.
I clear my throat to make my presence known and she jumps startled and her gaze meets mine, "You're up early."