by Karla Lopez
I look over to Lucy and reach my arm to touch her forehead. Her fever seems to be gone and she seems to be sleeping peacefully. We have been asleep since 5 pm and it's now 10:30 pm.
"Her fever is gone and she's sleeping right now."
"Oh, that's so good. Where are you right now?"
"At my girlfriend's house." Silence comes across the line and I look at my phone to make sure she hasn't hung up, but she speaks then, "Is there any way that she can stay with you?"
"Why? You're not coming home?"
"No, we are still meeting the client’s tomorrow morning for an early breakfast and Kyle and I will be staying in a hotel suite in the city. Your dad doesn't want to take care of her."
What the fuck?
He's such a bastard who says that about their own child. Like why the fuck does he get a break because he's a man? I don't understand how some men think that way. I'm not even a father and I still worry about Lucy and Katelyn like they were my own.
Katelyn.
There's no way that I'm letting Katelyn stay alone with my father. For a very good reason. I don't trust that my father won't touch Katelyn too. I highly doubt that he would, but I won't take any chances. "What about Kate? Who's taking care of her?"
"She's sixteen Shane. No one needs to take care of her, but she's staying at her friend's house."
Good.
"Okay, Yeah I'll keep her."
"Thank you so much, Austin. I'll be over early in the morning to pick her up. Just send me the address."
"Yeah, no problem and okay."
I let out a frustrated breath when we hang up the phone. I hate the entitlement that my father carries. We all work around him like he's some fucking king. I send the address to Amy and climb out of bed. I reach down and kiss Lucy on her creamy smooth cheek and slide her towards the middle, so she won't fall off the bed. I place pillows around her to secure her and make my way to look for Emma.
When I get to the living room, Emma is laying on her side on the couch with her hands under her ear. She's sleeping and looks so peaceful. She must have fallen asleep as soon as she got home from work. Which if she wasn't sleeping, I would pick a fight with her. Her fucking attitude was uncalled for. I understand that Lucy's doctor threw her off and fuck, I get it. I would be mad too if I saw that, but the whole Kyle thing just has my head all fucked up. I feel like we have a new argument before we can even resolve the next one. I know I'm the fucking problem, but sometimes I really wish she would just drop it.
I watch her for a bit then slide in behind her and pull her against my chest. Fuck, I miss holding her, being with her. Even when I'm mad, I want to be around her. I want her near me. She shifts beside me and lays on her back. Her vivid honey eyes stare back at me and she blinks rapidly to wake up. I just stare at her hoping that she'll fall back asleep because I'm really not in the mood for a fight. And I also don't want to wake Lucy up. She continues to stare at me as if waiting for me to speak, but I hold my breath instead.
"I'm mad at you," she finally speaks in a lazy tone.
"Yeah, well I'm mad at you, but we can be mad tomorrow." I pull her back into my chest. I’m sure she will fight me on this and want to talk, but she surprises me as she relaxes against me and soon, we're both asleep.
The next morning, we both wake up to a pounding at the door. Emma is quicker than I am and jumps to her feet to open the door. As she's getting up, I see she's only wearing panties under her long t-shirt. She opens the door and I get up after her to remind her she's half-naked. When I get to the door, I see who's on the other side of the door the blood in my veins runs cold.
My father stands at the door wearing his signature scowl.
I yank Emma behind me to block each other's view. I'm so angry he's here. I'm angry at myself that I didn't think that there was a possibility my father would pick up Lucy. I don't want my father to know that Emma exists because everything that has ever meant something to me has been taken away by life or him. Mostly him. Even Liam isn't allowed to be around me growing up because he hated that I had someone after my mom and Meadow died. He didn't think I deserve an ounce of happiness.
Emma is my happiness now and as my stomach twists and turns, I know that now he knows he has a way of getting to me. A new way of hurting me. And I know better than anyone that he'll win.
Emma
THE TENSION GROWS MORE intense in the room. I want to get a good look at the man standing in my doorway. When I see Austin's reaction, it explains it all. I mean I don't know anything about his dad, but since he never bought him up, like Kyle, then I know they don't carry a good relationship. Now this moment clearly proves it even more.
As I peek around Austin, I can see the man as clear as day. He looks lifeless. He looks exactly like Austin, but with grey pepper hair. A deep scowl and dead eyes. No warmth to him and my heart jumps when his eyes land on mine.
It makes me want to crawl into my skin and disappear. Chills run down my whole body like a bucket of ice water was dumped on me. I can sense the hatred, the intensity coming from him. It makes my heart hurt as if he's done something to me. He turns his cold lifeless eyes to Austin and his eyes change to disgust as if the pure image of his son disgusts him. It makes my stomach twist and turn. I don't understand how a parent can look at their child that way.
"Get me Lucy, I don't have all day." He says in an agitated voice.
Austin turns his back on his father blocking our view of each other as he asks me if I can go get Lucy for him. I jump to the suggestion because I don't want to be another minute in this man's presence. I feel too exposed, like if he can read my weaknesses. I walk into my room and see Lucy's small body in the middle of the bed. I grab her and her bag and I make my way back. Before I make it to them, I hear Austin say in a bitter tone, "I don't give a fuck who you are, you'll never get near me again."
"Shit boy. I just met a pretty honey-eyed girl that you just happen to be in love with," His dad’s sneer is evident in his tone.
"Don't fucking test me," Austin's response feels too much of a threat that it makes me want to hide. I swallow the lump in my throat only to have it come back.
When I reach them, his dad gives me an evil smirk making me feel small. I walk over to him to hand her over when Austin steps in front and pulls her from me. Before Austin can stand in front of me, his dad gives me a glance over and it's then that I realize I'm in my underwear and t-shirt. He grabs Lucy rather roughly from Austin. Austin's jaw sets in place with anger. The tension can definitely be cut with a knife. "Maybe next time you'll go home instead of bringing my daughter around a booty call." The venom in his voice is loud and clear and I shudder from the sound. Instead of Austin responding to him, he slams the door in his face.
He makes his way to the couch and holds his head in his hands. I'm worried about how to approach Austin. I don't know why his dad acts this way; I don't know a lot. I walk over to him and sit next to him. I lay my forehead on his shoulder and asked, "Austin are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm fine," He answers in a hoarse voice.
"Why does your dad talk to you like that?" He raises suddenly and startles me with his movement.
"He's not my dad, he's my father. And I'm not talking about it."
I take a deep breath before our eyes meet, "Why though, I mean I already met him. You might as well tell me."
He raises his voice, "I don't give a fuck if you met him. I want you nowhere near him. I will never talk about my father or certain problems so just fucking deal with it."
"How can you say that to me? I thought I mattered enough for you to at least trust in telling me." Austin keeping things from me is beginning to irritate me.
"Because I don't fucking trust you. I trust no one, not even myself."
I stare at him long and hard in disbelief of his confession. "So, if you don't trust me, then why are you with me? I can't go through time passing and not knowing what you hide in your closet or what keeps you up at night."
"Don't you fucking ge
t it, Emma? I'm not with you by choice. I'm fucking with you because you stumbled your way into my life. I never wanted something real. I fucking hate that I crave you. I fucking hate that I need you to breathe. I fucking hate that I love you because if I had the choice I wouldn't."
The words hit my face like a bitter cold winter air. The kind that cuts your lips into little pieces, except it's not my lips it's my heart. I never thought this would hurt as much, but I feel like someone’s stabbing me and is twisting the knife. I stare ahead with tears in my eyes and feel myself become numb. The realization that becoming numb is much easier than ever accepting that I'm actually in love with him and how his words cut me, makes me feel vulnerable.
And for that, I hate him too.
Austin
As the words come out of my mouth, I instantly regret them. I don't mean for them to sound so harsh. I just want her to back off, but by the hurt that flooded her eyes, I know she's exactly that, hurt. My chest aches with pain and guilt that I actually caused her pain of any kind. I know I'm confusing at times and all over the place, but I have never caused her intentional pain. Knowing I have takes pieces away from my heart. I hurt someone I love and now I have to live with the consequences.
Emma deserves better and I know she'll get it. I just need to step away from this thing we like to call our relationship. I already hurt her, and I promised myself when I was younger that if I was lucky enough to have someone love me, I would never hurt them. It feels pathetic and disgusting doing the one thing I thought I would never do.
She stands there with tears in her eyes and hurt written all over her. I want to get on my knees and apologize to her, beg her to forgive me. That I don't mean it but do I really? That's the scary part of this that I think I really do hate that I love her. Not because she's not the most amazing human and lucky to have her, but I don't feel worthy enough to love or be loved. I watch her for a few more painful seconds before I walk out of her house. When I shut the door behind me it hits me then that I have just lost the one thing that keeps me going. The person I love most in this world, but I did it for her.
I get into my car that's parked at her curb and call Liam. He answers on the third ring, "Hey fucker. It's a nice surprise to hear from you."
"Yeah." My voice comes out hoarse and I have to swallow repeatedly to make the lump in my throat go away and allow me to talk normally. I know Liam. He'll know something is wrong and I don't want him to know. I've put him through a lot with my pain.
"I just miss your voice."
"Austin, you okay?"
"Fuck yeah. Just here with Emma, I'm going to take her out on a date. I just wanted to talk for a bit."
"Glad to hear that things are still going strong with her. Fucking great to know your happy."
"Yeah, happy."
I stare at Emma's house hoping, praying this is all a dream. "Liam, thank you for being my best friend and always being there for me. I don't know what I would do without you."
"You know that I would do anything for you in a heartbeat."
"Yeah, I know," I whisper into the receiver.
"But dude why the fuck are you being all mushy. I get it you love me, and I love you, bro."
I let out a breathy laugh, "You're right. What was I thinking?"
"Exactly, dude I have to go I have a business dinner."
"Yeah okay. Liam?"
"Yeah." He answers a bit distracted.
"It's not your fault." And with those words, I hang up the phone hoping that he’s too busy to read between the lines.
I look through my contact list looking for the name of the person who impacted my life so much and not in a good way. I know once I make this call, I will be hurting not only the people that love me but the one person who shouldn't have ever been betrayed this way. I stumble on her name and it reads Mia. I dial the number and my palms become sweaty and I'm shaking knowing I shouldn't be doing this. I know once I do it there's no going back. She answers with an excited voice, "Hey baby, miss me?"
"Why else would I be calling?"
"You and I both know why you're really calling."
"And? It's not like you haven't enjoyed putting out before."
"Whatever I'll be here waiting for you baby...naked."
I breathe in a harsh breath feeling like I might throw up here in my car. My throat burns with bile. I fucking hate myself. I hang up the phone and just as if a sign was ready to slap me in the face, Emma walks out with bloodshot eyes and her eyes lock with mine. I can feel all the blood drain from me. I want to run and hold her, but then I remember who I am and what I have done and if she didn't deserve me before, she doesn’t deserve me now even more now.
I fucking love her, but I'm about to forget about that. I mask my face and drive off as fast as I can, not even looking behind me. I've done so many terrible things, but Emma is not one I'm going to make.
Emma
AS I WATCH AUSTIN leave without hesitation my heart sinks lower into my chest. I wonder if this is what dying feels like. Like your insides are literally eating themselves. I try to swallow back my tears, but as soon as I get into my car, I break down. I feel so hurt, but most of all angry. I want to hurt him the way he hurt me. And I know the one person that can help me do that.
I drive over to the coffee shop and make my way to the only one that has a beanie on and has dirty blonde hair coming out from the front it. His face is in a law book. He’s the only guy who will help me get at Austin. I'm not a vindictive person nor do I want to cause harm, but yeah, he deserves to feel at least some ounce of pain like I am feeling. He hates Kyle and this the perfect opportunity.
I sit next to Kyle and when his face turns to me and lights up, I grab the back of his neck and pull his face towards me. I kiss Kyle hard without any emotion. At first, he's so stunned that his lips don't move, but then when he realizes what's going on, his tongue slips into my mouth and he kisses me back. My whole body ignites with desire that it freaks me out and I pull away from the kiss. I look into his green eyes and heat stares back at me. Suddenly, I know I'm in trouble.
I want to hurt Austin the way he hurt me because it's not fair to be the person that gets to walk away from us. Why couldn't I be brave enough to do it before him? Maybe then I would be hurting much less. Yeah, lie again Emma. It’s unfair to use Kyle for my own benefit against Austin. Like who does that? This is so immature. And Kyle certainly doesn't deserve for me to mess with his feelings, but maybe I can use this as an opportunity to get over Austin. I mean I met Kyle first, and I wanted to sleep with Kyle first. Maybe this is just God pointing me in the right direction.
To Kyles' arms.
I smile at him, but I feel myself shaking. Kissing is a big deal with me, and I just did it like nothing with Kyle. Maybe it's because I don't love Kyle. Yeah there we go again with the L word. I honestly wish I didn't love Austin the way I do. Why can't I find love with Kyle? I'm sure he wouldn't be as complicated, and he would love loving me. But there's no one like Austin. Stop it, Emma.
I have to suck it up at acknowledging that Austin and I are no longer together. Just having that thought makes my chest ache. I feel like I can't breathe. Kyle interrupts my thoughts when he asks, "Emma, why did you just do that?"
"Uh." Should I tell him? Kyle always wanted a chance, so maybe I should give it to him. "I've always wanted to," I tell him honestly.
He stares at me in disbelief before he asks, "Why?"
"Why what?"
"Why have you always wanted to?"
"I don't know, there's just something about you Kyle." I chew on my bottom lip nervously.
"But you're with Austin."
"Actually, I'm not."
"Oh, I see what's going on here. I'm not a rebound," He response defensively.
"What the fuck? I don't want you as a rebound Kyle. I just I don't know I've always been curious about my feelings towards you." It's not all a lie. I don't want him as a rebound I just want to hurt Austin. I have always had small lingering feelings
for him. I’m just always too caught up with Austin.
"You know I have feelings for you, Emma, don't you?" His body turns towards me as he speaks.
"Yes, I do that's why I kissed you. Other than me wanting to." I avert my eyes full of insecurity.
"We shouldn't do this, it's not right. And not too long ago you were with Austin."
"So? I'm not now. And why does it matter?"
"Because I happen to be a part of Austin's family and he's not someone I want to mess with."
"Why? Are you scared of him," I say more as a statement rather than a question in a humorous way, but when I look over at Kyle he's not laughing. He's demeanor is different, and I get an uneasy feeling. His silence only makes me dizzy and I ask again, "Are you?"
We sit in silence for a while before he answers, "Yes I am. I'm not a violent guy so things like what Austin has been through and what he's done does scare me. I see it every day in my internship in court." I just stare at him because I'm a bit confused at what he's confessing to me.
"What do you mean what he has done?"
"It's not my place to tell you, but Austin is very violent and angry. He almost killed a guy a few years back by beating him into a coma."
My stomach keeps twisting and turning and I feel like I'm going to throw up. I feel so uneasy by what Kyle is telling me. I've never known Austin to be violent. Yeah, he gets angry, but never to the point that I'm scared of him. I sit there in silence because I can't believe what I'm hearing, but Kyle wouldn't lie to me. He continues, "He beat him up because he asked how his mom died. He literally beat him to a pulp. He got arrested and the only reason he made it out was because of my stepdad being a lawyer. But that's not the first time. He once choked my stepdad until he was unconscious, but his dad didn't want to send him to jail. He has hit me a couple of times too. Nothing too bad because of the respect he has for my mother, but he has this side of him that's truly scary. It's not him, it's like a monster lives within him."
"That can't be Austin," I stare at him in disbelief.