by Karla Lopez
“Will you set the firepit so we can sit outside and have cookies with hot chocolate?” Emma’s smooth voice asks against my neck.
I look into her glowing honey eyes, “Whatever my girl wants.” Liam whistles and motions a whip while Jake laughs.
“Shut up fuckers. Now let’s go get some wood.”
“I already have some.” Liam grabs his junk as we walk out the back door and we all laugh. It’s good to have them around.
After we make the firepit, we sit in our wooden chairs with beers in our hands. The snow stopped hours ago, but the air is still bitter and brisk. The sun is long gone and there’s a blue glow surrounding us.
“So, Liam, how did you and Hannah meet?” I ask him while taking a sip of my beer. The fresh bubbly liquid hits my taste buds.
“It’s his barista.” Jake answers with a shit eating grin.
“Of course, she is.”
“Both of you shut the fuck up. It’s not like that. She’s different.” Liam answers defensively.
“How?” I ask curiously as I watch him closely.
He sighs with defeat ringing in his tone, “I like the way I am with her. I feel like I can open up to her and that’s something I find hard to do, even with you guys. She makes me laugh and smile. It’s hard to explain. I’ve been trying to get her to go on a date with me for four months till she finally agreed. It’s different with her. I don’t just want sex with her. I want more. We haven’t even had sex yet.”
As the words leave his mouth Jake chokes on his beer and spits it out in surprise. “What do you mean you haven’t had sex. You. Liam, the fuck anything in sight guy hasn’t had sex with her yet.”
“Shut the fuck up. I don’t just fuck anything.” I burst out laughing, so hard that I hold my stomach. “I fucking hate you guys.” I laugh harder as the back door swings open.
The girls make their way to us as Emma asks, “What’s so funny?” We all say nothing in unison, and they all stare at us with narrowed eyes.
I grab Emma’s hips and sit her on my lap, she comes willingly. Having her in my arms is an indescribable feeling. She smiles at me and lays her forehead on mine. My eyes close instinctively and I wrap my arms tighter around her. Our surroundings disappearing where only her and I exist. When we open our eyes, all eyes are on us and Emma shyly smiles.
“You guys look so in love. It’s beautiful.” Hannah exclaims with a smile. Emma thanks her and I return her smile, but my smile grows when I see Liam isn’t watching us, he’s watching Hannah.
My heart makes a fist bump inside my chest at what I’m seeing. Everything we’ve ever wanted for each other we have in our arms right now. Nothing is greater than this very moment. Life is great. I’m surrounded by laughter and people who I love. I don’t think I’ve smiled and laughed so much in my life. The night settles as we enjoy the night with good friends and a warm fire.
Kyle
IT'S BEEN TWO MONTHS since I last saw Emma, but ever since I got out of the hospital a week later, I come and sit here. Hoping and waiting that she'll walk through those doors. It's pathetic and stupid, but it's the only thing I have faith in now that she's been living with Austin. I keep my eyes on them, her. The coffee shop looks the same that it has for the last two months that I've been coming every day. This is the coffee shop I met her. I only wish that then I would have tried harder to win her over. Austin would have always won.
She doesn't come to this side of town now unless it's to visit her dad and uncles. And it's only to their house or the hospital. Places I can't casually run into her without drawing attention. School is back in session, but our campus is big enough for us not to run into each other. I know part of it is her avoiding me. I have a feeling Austin doesn't know she came to visit me at the hospital and also know Austin's condition must have been to stay away from me. I don't blame him. I know he thinks I'm the threat, but I was just a kid too.
Austin
My phone ringing wakes me up harshly. I look over the clock and it read 4:00 am and Hilary's name is bright across my screen. Fuck. I hate different time zones. "You do realize it's four am here right?"
"Ahh, sorry. I totally forgot. I want to catch you before I go into work."
"Well, you caught me...in bed," I say sarcastically. Emma stirs to the opposite side beside me and I decide to go into the bathroom to not wake her.
"Listen, you know the wedding is this weekend, right?"
I roll my eyes, “You called me before dawn to talk about your wedding. Goodbye Hil."
"No, don't hang up yet. I have something important to tell you."
Panic sets in before I ask, "What is it?"
"Daniella is coming to the wedding. You know I'm still friends with her." I let out a harsh breath at the name of my ex-girlfriend, my only ex-girlfriend.
"Who cares?" I feigned disinterest, but I’m curious to how seeing her will affect me.
I never loved her. My headspace was always in the wrong place and I just mostly ever used her for sex. I didn't do feelings. I was numb to feeling back then. I often wonder if Emma would have met me back then would she have broken through my walls. Who knows, but I'm so content that I have her now. Hilary's voice comes through the phone again, "I'm just letting you know. So, you and Emma wouldn't be surprised. That's all."
"Emma doesn't even know who she is," I deadpan.
"Austin, what the hell? Why haven't told her about Daniella?"
"Because she's irrelevant. Are you done because I want to go back to bed?”
"No, one more thing. Your family is coming to the wedding." My heart sunk to my stomach and my hands suddenly feel clammy. I don't want to see my father nor Kyle. "I'm sorry Austin. I didn't invite them, but my dad and your father are business partners."
I control my voice when I answer, "It's cool don't worry about it. We'll see you in two days." I cut the line because I can't fake it any longer. Hilary and Jake don't know the true depth of why I hate my father so much. Or anything of what he has done to me. Only Liam and Kyle. I feel like I’m going to puke. Spending an evening with my father isn't ideal, but my father will see Emma and how much she means to me. He will see right through me. And when he strikes again, he will know exactly where to strike me. If anything ever happened to Emma I will not be able to forgive myself.
I walk out of the bathroom and into our bedroom to watch a peaceful Emma sleeping and my chest tightens. Why did I ever let it get this deep? I leave her in our room, and I walk downstairs into my office. The glass wall gives the view of the forest and the moon the only light. The urge, the itch, the cravings are the strongest when I have memories of my father. It’s the first time he'd ever hit me. The memory floods my vision.
I’m walking into daddy’s office to try to get his attention. Mommy had been gone for a couple of days to visit grandma. Grandma never came here, and I wondered why. I missed her. She would always tug my cheeks until they hurt, but it would also make me giggle. I walk over to his big desk and watch him till his eyes lift forward onto me. I always wondered why his eyes weren't like mommy's. Her eyes were warm and loving. She always looks happy to see me. Where daddy looks angry and dark in his eyes. Most days I was scared of him and I wouldn't get near him. Mommy would say he just needs a different kind of loving.
I always wondered what kind so I can give it to him. He’s always nice to mommy and he looks at her the same way she looks at me. Mommy doesn't know that daddy is sometimes mean to me, but I don't tell her because maybe that’s daddy's way of loving me. Maybe he loves different back too. He finally speaks to me after watching me for a few minutes. Since mommy is gone, I want to be tucked in by daddy. "What the hell do you want?"
He asks in a harsh tone. I flinch scared with the power of his voice. I know I have made a mistake of coming in here and wanting him to tuck me in. I nervously fumble out, "Daddy, I can't sleep." Then my whole world is spinning. I hit the floor with a thud, and I’m confused as to how I got here. Then the burning aching pain on my cheek reminds me that d
addy hit me. Hot tears run down my face and I sob loudly. Hoping the pain will stop. "Shut Up! Stop crying before I do it again." It hurts too much. I can't stop the sob that leaves my throat.
"I said shut up!" Then his big hand is grabbing my hair and my body hits the floor over and over. Each thud against the floor hurts more and more. I scream, "Okay, daddy. Okay, daddy. I'll stop crying." Then his rough fingers are pinching my chin when his mean dark eyes look into mine. His eyes aren’t blue like mine, they are green. Mine are like my mommy's. I’m happy that I will never be like him. I will be like my mommy. His fingers pinch harder making me hurt in pain. "You little fucker. Don't ever call me daddy again. It's father. You hear me. Don't call me anything else. You're not mine. You're your mothers and only hers. You don't have a dad. Your existence disgusts me."
I want to ask him why, but I don't. Too afraid that he will hit me again. I climb back into bed and cry for my mommy to come save me. I still have four more day with father. He will hurt me too much. Father doesn't touch me again for the rest of the four days. By the time mommy comes home, the mark on my cheek is already gone. I thought I was safe knowing mommy was home, but I know this is only the beginning.
My breath catches in my throat with the memory and hot tears run down my cheeks. I'm so weak I even disgust myself. I open my drawer and rip off the tapped baggie that's hidden under. I pull it out to see the white powder that I itch for in moments like these. I watch it lay there peaceful and how peaceful it would make me feel if I consumed it now. I've been sober for so long that breaking the sobriety will break something in me. In my soul. I remember Mia placing it in my hands before I walked out of her house.
"Well since you don't want to fuck me, what do you want?" I stay quiet as I watch her naked body lounge on the bed. She isn't appealing to me only Emma is. Fuck, Emma. I walked away from her and now I'm here. Where I never thought I would find myself again. "Get the lines ready."
"Oh fuck. Are you sure you know how to do coke? I mean since you're all sober and mighty now."
"Shut the fuck up and hurry up." She laughs as she preps the lines of coke for us. I wait. Itching for it. She goes first and I watch her as her eyes dilate. Her face is flushed and her eyes aware.
Fuck.
Why do we do this? For the temporary high. No for the temporary numbness. I lean forward ready to take my line when I all I can see is Emma's face even with my eyes open. I stand up abruptly and tell Mia I can't. She gets up and places a baggie of coke in my hands and tells me if the urge ever occurs. I put the baggie in my pocket and go to a bar instead. I fought four guys that night till Liam found me.
I flip the baggie in my hand and feel the urge consume me. I will take just enough to ease my nerves, the memories. Until we are in the Bahamas. Away from everyone. Jake and Hilary made their honeymoon a friend honeymoon and all their closest friends are going with them. Including us and I’m so relieved to get Emma away. I stand up and look outside the window to the stillness of the night. I want to feel the highness numb me right now. I can go lay with Emma and hold the one thing that means everything to me. My thoughts are interrupted by her sweet voice. "Austin?"
My back to her, I close my eyes at the sound of her voice. She's my calmness in the hectic chaos of my thoughts. I suddenly feel her warm arms wrap around my waist. "Are you okay?"
I inhale sharply, "I am now."
I grab her hand and turn towards her. "Let's go back to bed, baby." She walks toward the door and I slip the baggie back in my desk and walk off with her. We lay in bed with her back to my chest, my arm around her waist. She’s fast asleep, but I don't sleep at all. Memories assault my mind all night. And the little baggie sitting in my office is the only thing beckoning me in the silence.
Emma
WE JUST LANDED IN New York where Hilary and Jakes's wedding is taking place. We are in our hotel room and Austin is laying on my chest. He'd been quiet since a couple of nights ago. I keep asking him what's wrong and his only reply is that he loves me. Austin has been clinging on to me every second since that night and I'm starting to worry. Austin is an already affectionate guy with me, but his need to have me as if I might disappear is intense.
I run my fingers through his hair and he visually seems to relax. "Hey." I shake him a little and his beautiful ocean eyes meet my honey ones. He looks so comfy that I don't want to even bother him, but I need to shower this long day off. "I'm gonna go shower." He holds on to me tighter and it makes me chuckle, "Babe."
"Fuck. Okay. But let me take one with you."
I smile at him and his grin stretches across his beautiful face. Giving me butterflies and it still surprises me how giddy I get around him. He starts undressing and all I can do is stare. My whole body feels like it's on fire and the tingling sensation only amplifies. The feeling runs all way to my core. I feel flushed when he catches me staring and him and his stupid dumb smirk is on full display.
I have been wanting to take things further with Austin, but I know he wants to go slow especially since he has never been in a relationship before. And considering our differences on our past it helps. We became intimate in the way we needed, but I’m done with waiting. "There's a big tub, let's take a bath instead."
He looks at me like I’m crazy, "What are we, five?"
I slap his arm and his deep chuckle makes me melt again. I go on my toes and place my lips close to his rubbing his hardness while I look at him through my lashes. "Please?" I ask feigning innocence. A deep growl leaves his throat and I smirk in victory.
We go into the massive bathroom in the suite. Hilary and Jake are paying for everyone's stay in the hotel for their wedding. The hotel they chose was way too extravagant. I've never even stayed at a hotel before and high-class ones are really like the movies. I watch him take his briefs off and then get into the bath filled with water and bubbles. I didn't even notice he has prepared it. Yeah. He loves me. He watches with an arched brow; it’s my turn to undress. I slowly take off my jeans and T-shirt, leaving me in nothing but panties and my bra. I unclasp my bra and the air and Austin's eyes make my nipples harden. I can already feel myself becoming wet. He watches me with a devious gleam. I know that he can sense it.
I finally slip my panties down my legs and meet Austin's eyes. His stare is filled with hunger and lust and love. "Come here, baby."
I slip into the tub with Austin's eyes on me the entire time. He reaches over and pulls me by my thighs so I can straddle him. His hardness lays between us, against my belly. I lay my forehead against his and as if on command we both close our eyes. We stay in that position for what seems like hours. He wraps his arms tight around me and my eyes open to his still closed ones. "I love you. Please don't ever forget that."
"Never." I lean in and kiss him. First, our kiss is sweet and slow then it turns into hunger and need. Our tongues dance with each other. He runs his tongue on my lower lip and bites lightly and sucks hard. I moan into him causing our bodies to rub against each other. He groans against my lips. I run my tongue down his throat and up behind his ear and suck hard on his earlobe. He sucks in a harsh breath and squeezes my ass hard in need. Then his fingers are inside of me. I let out a cry of relief of having him touch me where I want him to. I grind into his hand. His pace quickens knowing I’m going to come soon. Sooner than usual, but I can't hold it. All the sensations are killing me. My stomach tightens and all I can hear is my breathy moans and Austin harsh breath against my neck where his face lays. My legs shake against his thigh as I come on his fingers.
I lay against him while waiting for my breathing to control itself. He runs the tips of his fingers down my spine causing a shiver. I beam up at him with so much love, I never thought I could feel this way. I never wanted this; love. But I realized I only ever want it with one person. "I want you." I let the truth roll of my tongue. I feel more ready than I ever have before. It isn't lust or heat talking, but pure love. He looks into my eyes trying to find any doubt, but he will not find anything. He still asks, "You sure
?"
"Yes," I leaned into a soft kiss and I know he watches me while kissing me. I catch him doing that a lot. I used to feel weird about it, but I realized it’s his way of watching me unfold. I open my eyes and he leans his forehead against mine, "Hold on."
Butterflies appear all throughout my stomach knowing of what is coming next. I wrap my legs around him as he stands up and steps out of the bathtub. He walks into the room and lays me gently on the bed. He watches my naked body, mesmerized and I do the same. My eyes land on his hardness waiting with anticipation of what is about to happen, and I become wet again. He puts one knee between my legs and the other standing just watching me closely. "We don't have condoms, Emma."
"I'm on birth control and we know you're clean."
I trust him more than anything and I want to feel this, but I want him to feel it too. All of me. For him to have me in ways that no one will ever have me. He lifts my foot to his lips as he trails slow gentle kisses against my skin all the way to my inner thighs. His eyes never leaving mine. I’m in awe of him and what he’s capable of. He pulls my legs wider apart to open me to him and his warm breath hits my core. My stomach tightens with tingles. He kisses my core and then runs his tongue all over my wetness. I gasp loudly and run my fingers through his hair and tug. He loves it when I do that. He brings me to the edge only to stop and tease me again. When I can't take it anymore, he continues upward passing my stomach, leaving wet kisses behind. His tongue circled my hard nipple then sucks the bud into his mouth. I arch my chest against his face wanting more of what he’s giving.
He gives the same attention to my other breast then up my neck to find my waiting lips. I taste myself on his lips and it makes me grow hungrier for him. I consume him as if my next breath depended on it. His hardness presses against my entrance. Austin breaks the kiss and watches me. "I love you." I smile against his lips hearing those simple meaningful words makes my heartbeat faster. Words I thought I would never be strong enough to hear from someone else, but Austin made me just that. Strong. For him, for us, for me. The head of his hardness is inside me and I stiffened involuntarily, my body unfamiliar with the intrusion.