by Karla Lopez
I can feel my chest tighten with the memory. I feel like I'm going to pass out with so much emotion coursing through my body. I don't want to relive that moment. I can still smell the rain on the ground and the taste of metallic in my mouth. The vision of the only human who loved me dead besides me. "Meadows seatbelt broke and she flew out the windshield breaking her neck. How fucking horrible is that? The one thing they teach you about since a young age is to always wear your seatbelt is the one thing that fails you when you need it to work. The one time you need it, it lets you down. And I survived with the only injuries I received from my father."
"My sister and mother died and I the pathetic unwanted child survived. How fucking wrong is that? It's like the universe was playing tricks with me. Like I was meant to suffer, and I hadn't gotten my full dose yet." We stay silent for several minutes. Begging the voices in my head to calm, to allow me to give my girl the one thing she needs, the truth.
"My father blamed me for their deaths that he beat me to a pulp. I couldn’t walk for ten days straight after. He had a doctor he paid to care for my wounds. He had to make sure his only family left wouldn't die. Soon after my mom and Meadow died, I felt so lost. I wanted to die too. I wanted to end it. For the pain to be over.
"My father didn't stop his beatings, it's like he thrived off of them. Like he needed them for fuel. How fucking sick is that? The motherfucker and what he put me through. Four months after my mom passed my dad announced his new relationship with Amy, my stepmom. I think my father used her at first to try and forget my mom. Amy had two kids already Kyle and Katelyn. Which blew my fucking mind that he never wanted kids and he came to accept kids that weren't his. That he was willing to raise them, and they weren't even his, to begin with. At first, I was jealous of Kyle"—bile rises up in my throat making it hard to push back down—"he was getting special attention from my father. He was treating him like the son he wanted. And I quickly realized that it wasn't me.
"And how fucking ironic that Kyles dad went to prison for beating his mother and he knew what my father was doing it to me"—I hear Emma's tiny gasp—"he watched it happened and he wouldn't help. He wouldn't say a word. My father would tie me up and brutalized me after starving me for several days and then he would put Kyle in front of me while he ate his meal. Kyle would even join in on the beatings after sometimes." I don't realize I'm crying till Emma's small hand cups my face and I feel the moisture. She scoots up next to me and holds me, but I don't feel the tears. The pain has numbed into nothing. I am nothing.
I have to finish though. For her and for us. "That's when I met Mia and she brought drugs around me. I would have done anything to numb the pain. I started doing pot with her, but my poison of choice was cocaine. Coke and sex were my only vice, but I hated being touched. Every time a girl would touch me during sex, I felt my father’s blows on my skin prickling with pain. So, I would usually just fuck them from behind and that was it. No touching, no kissing, no oral, nothing that resembled any kind of intimacy, but then I was doing so much cocaine throughout the day that I couldn't function for sex either. My arousal would irritate me so I would ignore it.
“After a year of using my father sat me down and said I had to start dating someone respectable and honorable to show off at his events. That's when Daniella came along, my father handpicked her for me. All I did was fuck Daniella and have her waiting for me at events while I snorted to oblivion in the fucking bathroom. She didn't deserve that, none of those girls did, but I didn't give a fuck at the time. One day I drank and snorted like there was no tomorrow and there wouldn't have been if Liam wouldn't have found me. I overdosed." I let the silence hang between us because everything is getting too real and I can't look her in the fucking eyes. I’m too embarrassed, too ashamed. I wouldn't want me either.
"Keep going," she whispers on a breath.
"After that, I got cleaned, not for me, but for Liam who was going out of his mind and was about to graduate high school. He wanted to accept his offer to NYU, but I know he wouldn't if he knew I wasn't okay. So, I pretended through the pain and the fucking urge to use again. I didn't go with them to New York because I had promised my mom that I would stay with my dad till I forgave him. How can I deny my mom of that wish? I still broke it, but I think my mom would have been happy that I did choose to leave. The only thing that weighs heavy of leaving behind are my siblings. The rest of college I spent reading and writing. I became a writer and still obeyed my father in every word. I was too scared of losing my sisters. Of being completely alone.
"But now I'm so fucking afraid of losing you, Emma. I can't fucking breath, I can't think without you. You give me everything that I didn't know was possible. I didn't think I was enough, you showed me I was—" choking on the last word I press my face into Emma's neck and just sob all the pain I feel. We both cry together for the little boy whose soul was broken before he even knew the meaning of it. The teenage boy who lost his mother and sister and was brutalized into submission of his own guilt. And the broken man who carries scars deep and uglier than most will ever see, but through it, all our love bleeds through our tears. For the first time in a long time, I believe that just maybe I'll be okay. That maybe my broken soul can be loved too.
Liam
THE FREEZING SMOOTH SAND hits the soles of my feet, but it's what I need the calmness I feel listening to the ocean. I sit near the waves as the freezing water hits the tips of my toes. I watch the dark waves crash into each other with such fierceness. The ocean seems scary when you can't see it. Like a black hole that can eat you whole in one second. It probably could. I can't shake the feeling of my heart heavy with the thought of Austin in mind.
I don't know how to feel or say to him to help him. Everything about what he goes through is heavy in my chest. I wish I can make it all go away, hell I would trade shoes with him if it came down to it. No one deserves the life Austin got handed. What's worse is that he has me as a best friend. I come from a loving home; two parents that have been married since college. Who support me in all I do. We have money. I never had a thought of insecurity of whether I would be able to attend college.
Austin never had any of that. He didn't even have one parent to be there for him. Since the night he slept over at my house when we were twelve and I saw the bruises on his back, I promised myself I would always be what he needed. I'm not the best man, but I damn make sure I'm a man who helps and not hinders others. People see me as the player who likes to have fun. Yeah, I like to fuck, but that's different from what I actually am. Just because I like to have sex and I'm not ready to commit doesn't make me a bad man.
Everyone judges before understanding. It's the worst thing you can do to someone, make them feel less for something your incapable of understanding. That's what people see in Austin too, a troubled soul that is self-destructive and a drug addict. They don't see the broken soul who was abused into something smaller than what he really is. Everything beautiful, everything normal that should be a given not a privilege was ripped away from his life way before he had a chance of understanding what it even meant.
Small white painted feminine toes interpret my thoughts. I look up to see Emma. I watch her closely to see if there's any distress on her face, anything that might tell me something is wrong, but all I see is peace. She sits next to me without saying a word and I just know he told her. "He told you." I watch her closely to see any confusion, but I see her eyes gloss over with unshed tears.
My chest tightens with admiration and gratitude towards her. That's all I've ever prayed for, is for Austin to be truly loved one day and the woman who is about to shed tears for the man she loves is exactly what I wanted for him. "Tell me about when you found him. Please." My heart starts beating as I stare at her. My palms become sweaty from the intensity I feel inside. I've never talked about it with anyone else, not even Austin.
I stay quiet for several minutes hoping she'll change her mind, but I know she's not going to back off. I know she needs this, but it's one of t
he worst days of my life. I swallow, "It was graduation day and I was looking for Austin because I wanted him right next to me. He deserved it, but he didn't want to go because he was spotting a black eye. I knew it was from his dad, but he said it was from fighting. Those two things blurred the line between truth and lie. I went to Mia's apartment and she was there high on the couch.
"Didn't even noticed I walked in from how high she was. I went in search for Austin and when I went into the bathroom"—I pause feeling my throat close in—"he was on the ground with white foam coming out his mouth. I felt all the blood drain from my body, I felt like a robot getting to him." I stare at the ocean like it's going to help me get rid of this horrific memory. I want to. "While I waited for the ambulance to get there, I hid any drugs they had visible scared they might put us all in jail. When I went back to him"—I cough into a strain cry, the memory too hard to remember. Emma leans into me holding me and I sink into her. Feeling her warmth wrap around me. Something I didn't know I needed.
"Emma. He didn't have a pulse an—anymore. He was dead in my arms. And I screamed and cried at him that he wasn't allowed to leave me. That if he left me, I would hate him forever. How fucking stupid is that, he was already dead. Then the paramedics got there, and they were able to resuscitate him. The relief I had when I heard his heartbeat is like no other. That fear, I never want to feel again. I hated him for months after because of that day. I hated him for being too weak and seeking this fucking addiction to numb his pain. I hated him for being broken.
"What a fucked up best friend for hating him for almost dying on his addiction. On the one thing that made him forget his pain. And it’s my fault, I knew he was being abused when we were younger, but I didn’t say anything. I was too scared they would take Austin away and I wouldn’t have my friend anymore. How fucked up is that? I chose to keep quiet for me, not him.”
Emma leans her head on my shoulder and says quietly, “It’s not selfish. It’s because of you that he’s alive.” In this moment I can see how Austin can love Emma. Anyone could.
“I know he got sober for me and I’m not proud, but I needed him to. I was being selfish, but I didn't want him to end up dead because that would mean part of me would die. Austin is my brother; I've been through everything with him." I heaved into Emma's chest feeling my tears seep into her shirt. She holds me a while longer till she lets go. She looks into my eyes and her warm eyes glowing at me with nothing but understanding. I hug and thank her for giving me this.
I don't know what it was, but it's what I needed. Not even years of therapy have helped I still have nightmares from that day. I wake up scared that I'm going to get a call telling me Austin's dead. It's my biggest fear, but I refused to talk about it before today. Telling a stranger wasn't going to help me, I needed someone that was going to understand. And I know Emma does, even if she wasn't there for the drug part, she's here for the aftermath. I watch her while she eyes the ocean. "You're everything he needs."
I watch her take a visible breath as she meets my eyes, "And he's everything I want." I give her a small smile and stare into her eyes offering everything I feel though them.
Austin
I wake to Emma crawling into bed, she leans over me and I run my hand down her back to her bare ass. Fuck, she's naked. "Where were you?" I watch her honey eyes meet my stare and she offers a small smile. My chest tightens with that small feature.
"With Liam." I beam at her and flip us over to where I place myself between her parted legs. I look down to see my beautiful woman bare, naked all for me.
"Thank you," I whisper into her neck. She yanks my hair to get me to look at her.
She kisses my lips slow and demanding, "Make love to me."
I crash my lips into her and begin to feed the hunger I feel inside for her. She's everything to me and now that I'm free I can truly be one with her. I run the tips of my fingers up her inner thigh just close enough, but not touching the spot she wants. She whimpers against my lips and fuck; I love teasing her. Her desire so open for me, something I'll never get used to. She breaks our kiss, "You know what let me rephrase that, fuck me." I chuckle as I lean down to kiss her throat. I bite down hard enough to elicit a moan from her, then turn my hot tongue against her salty skin to easy the minor discomfort.
I put my fingers in her mouth, "Suck." Her eyes heat up with my command and she does exactly as she is told. She sucks my finger only making my dick harder, begging for release. I take my fingers back and slide them down her neck down to her harden nipples as I pinch them. I continue my roaming fingers down to her wet heat and I run them against her folds up to her throbbing clit. I repeat the motion of rubbing till I feel her legs start to shake against my ribs. I dip a finger inside of her, "Austin, I want you. Now." Her heavy breath hits my neck as she tries to hold on to her orgasm. I grab my hardness and pump twice with my hand. I slide inside of her, feeling her tightness hug my hardness until I can't take anymore.
"You okay baby?" She nods and grabs my neck to pull me down to her. Our kiss is sloppy and wet, needy and heated. As I thrust in and out of her as slow as I can. Our breaths and moans mixing together creating a sweet melody made of love. I lay my whole body against her but hold myself up just enough not to crush her. Her bare skin from top to bottom rubbing against me, creating the most beautiful feeling of skin to skin. Feeling her sweat, her heat, her softness against my own hardness makes me feel like I'm a real human.
Not a broken discarded one, but a real one that someone seeks for not only their own pleasure but my own. Someone who wants me to feel the love radiate from their skin as our body's grind into a euphoric state. Emma seems too good to be true, but it's something I don't want to question. I never want to wake up from this dream.
I feel Emma's legs tighten around me and I feel the familiar tingle down my spine and the pull down in my hardness ready for release. "Baby, I'm going to come."
"Me too," she moans out loud as she comes around me, my own release not too far behind. As I come into her, my ocean eyes met her honey ones and I no longer see fierceness and pain, now I see pure honest love and fire burning high.
∞∞∞
I sit at my desk as I read through the last vision of my newest novel. It's been a couple of days since we got back from our trip and I'm already behind on my deadlines. This book is a little different. It's about a man who "overcomes" addiction then finds love. He goes through the journey of loving someone who doesn't understand his addiction and prefers he hides it. She loves to pretend it never happened and makes him feel ashamed of it.
I wanted to write a novel where the person you fall in love doesn't always understand your addictions and why it's a part of you. I’m lucky enough to have Emma by my side. Where she took her time to understand and didn't run even though I know she wanted to. Emma has come a long way from the girl who didn't believe in love because of the fear that people always end up leaving. Now, she's stronger and bright filled with hope of the future, that's what she deserves with the heart and soul she carries.
My phone beeping next to me stops my thinking as I see my stepmom Amy's contact come up as a call. I press the green button till I hear her frantic voice, "Austin you need to come to the ER. It's Lucy, she got hurt." My heart stops beating as I race to my car to get to the hospital. My mind is all over the place, I still manage to ask Amy what hospital they are at. My chest tightens with so much pain I feel like I'm going to pass out. I can't lose another sibling. God, please don't take her.
When I make it to the hospital, I ask a couple of nurses for her room. When I'm directed there, I see my stepmom through the glass door and Lucy crying hysterically in a crib. I walk in and I make my way to Lucy and grab her. There's a big gash on her forehead that already has stitches on it. Her hiccups are loud against my ear, "Tin, Tin." She whimpers her version of my name as if she's in pain and my heart feels heavy inside my chest.
I turn to my stepmother, "What happened?"
"I don't know I was out and when I
came home your father told me she fell off the crib." My blood turns ice cold as if someone just dumped freezing water on me. Fear of the possibility of my father touching another one of his children weighs heavy on me. How can this happen? I have spent my whole adult life making sure my father was entertained by me so that he would never once think about laying a hand on my siblings, but now I don't live under his roof. I hand over Lucy and tell my stepmom I will be right back, that I have to handle something.
I make it to my fathers' mansion and check every room in the house calling his name but come up empty. I give up and make my way to his office, I decide to wait here for him. An hour and half passes when I hear the front door open and close. His heavy cold footsteps can be heard with such dominance. As if saying he's arrived, and you can't fuck with him. When he opens his office door his cold dead eyes land on me right away. "You hit her," that’s all I say, I know he knows who and what I'm talking about.
"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about, but you need to get out."
"What is wrong with you? She's your child. You’re really small child that can't stand up to you, but I can. I will do it for her because no one did it for me."
"You have some fucking nerve, you know that. What makes you think you can fight for anyone's battles huh? You're a drug addict low life." My whole body goes on high alter, startled that he knows I did drugs.