I was too full for dessert, but Brandon insisted. The chef's preferred selection was prepared by hand, right at the table. It arrived as a spongy cake, which the preparer sliced open into two halves and doused with limoncello, then heaped on spoonfuls of fresh vanilla cream. I was so elated in the moment, overwhelmed with Brandon, the restaurant and hotel tower, and my entire trip, that I wanted to cry on his shoulder. Instead, I flushed and counted my blessings for experiencing a moment as extraordinary as this.
Brandon and I were too stuffed to get up from the table, so we each had a third glass of wine to let our stomachs rest.
I tossed out an idea, cloaking it as a joke. "Should we go back to your home and do another joint web cam show to raise enough money to pay for this deluxe dinner?"
"Naw, Kieran. I'm picking up the tab and there are no strings attached. I'm just glad you appreciate this and that you've survived your first vacation to Las Vegas."
"It's up to you. I'm completely willing to go on cam with you again."
"Thank you for the offer, but I haven't been exhibiting on the cam sites lately."
"You needed a break from it?" I asked.
"Not so much that. It's about Hazel. I really like her."
"She makes a very positive impression. The two of you made a commitment to monogamy?"
"Not yet."
"Then aren't you still free?"
Brandon grinned and cocked his head. "Sure. But my interest is in her, not showing off to strangers, not even for solid money."
"You think she would disapprove of you being on cam? Hazel expects monogamy from you even without a commitment?"
Brandon leaned forward. "You don't understand this, do you?"
I shook my head, admitting I didn't.
"You don't have to have a commitment to temporarily choose monogamy," Brandon said.
"But why clip your wings and give up your freedom in the absence of a vow?"
"Because it's natural to become monogamous well before it gets to the point of making firm promises with a partner."
"Hazel has given up other men?"
"I don't know."
"She'd be crazy to risk losing you, that's for sure."
"Thank you, Kieran. But I have reined myself in out of respect for her and the budding relationship she and I are building together, not from any worry that dating someone else will ruin anything."
"Hmm."
"What I would like to say to you may come across as harsh, but that is not my intention," Brandon said. "Do I have permission to speak to you freely?"
"Please do."
"You'll know when magic is brewing. It's when you begin thinking about the needs and emotions of the other person more than yourself. It doesn't come along often. I haven't fallen for anyone in years and years. But it's happening now and that changes my behavior. Are you with me so far?"
"Yes, I think so."
"You hinted this morning that you got into some trouble last night. By your expression when you said it, I knew it meant sex. Great and hot sex. That is fine. Andrew is gone and you had time on your hands. But if you were falling in love with Andrew you would have never disrespected him like that."
Stunned, I shifted back and lifted my eyebrows. Those final words stung. "Wait, Brandon. Like you, Andrew has a girlfriend. Willow. They have an open relationship, as you know. Andrew and I haven't put any pressure on each other about this stuff."
"Just think about what I am saying. I like you as a person. I'm not beating you up. This is just honest discussion."
"Are you saying I disrespected Andrew last night, not by hooking up with other guys, but because this was a trip he and I were taking together to visit you, and that alone meant I should have sacrificed my attractions to other men?"
"Yes, something like that."
"Well, it didn't occur to me."
"Exactly. That's my point. Andrew can handle the truth. He is honest to a fault. There's nothing he would hide from you, in my opinion, because you are important in his life."
"So I can't ask that what I just admitted to—being with other guys last night—stays our own little secret."
"Nope."
"Why not?"
"Gossip doesn't interest me, Kieran. But do you really think I am going to betray my lifelong friend by agreeing to keep information from him?"
Again, I shook my head. I was ashamed of myself for even suggesting it. Still, I detested the idea of Andrew hearing any of this. I finished my glass of wine and tried to change the subject.
"Brandon, I have spent years agonizing for intimacy and companionship. However, when it suddenly comes in abundance I have to feel bad for exploring my passions?"
"That's not what I said."
"I know you didn't use those exact words. Nothing comes simple for me. I guess I don't understand any of it."
"I think I might understand it. I can assure you that your vibe—yes, I use the word vibe—has changed significantly since I met you earlier this autumn. You're giving off signals."
"That I'm gay?"
"No, more than that. It's that you're looking for trouble and it's flowing out of your pores."
"I'm not trying to be fake or anything," I said.
"Just watch out for what you attract. Watch out for what you draw to yourself."
"Hopefully, what people see is my strength. I've become more self-assured, thanks to Andrew, Cody, you, and a few others who have helped me understand my self-worth better."
Brandon bit his lip and looked at me out of the corner of his eye. "Not necessarily," he replied. "You may feel strong, but when your needs are so obvious some people will view them as a weakness and manipulate you. I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, am I?"
I had no answer. He patted me on the arm and paid our dinner bill. I thanked him for talking so forthrightly with me. Before leaving the restaurant we moved out to the balcony, sixty-four floors high and overlooking much of the city. He pointed out the helicopters circling the Las Vegas Strip and we looked down on the gigantic light beam bursting through the center roof of the Luxor Hotel & Casino next door and shooting way up, beyond the faint clouds in the night sky. Winds whipped around our bodies and against our faces.
"Is there anything else you want to see here on your final night?" Brandon asked, as we leaned against the railing and I fought off sensations of vertigo.
"I'd like to walk along the strip one last time," I answered.
"Can you do this on your own, sport? I'm really beat and I'd like to go home and get a good night's sleep."
"Sure, I probably won't stay out too late. But I do like seeing all the tourists from all over the world milling about. There's nothing anything remotely like this where Andrew and I live."
"Also, remember it doesn't have to be your last time here. Visit again anytime you'd like. You are always welcome to stay at my place, as long as the guest room is free."
"Thank you, Brandon. I like that you value my friendship even though you see my faults so clearly."
"You're a young guy. We all make mistakes. I was adrift for a long time after leaving the military. But then things finally settled down. It's all about learning and improving, and making the smartest choices we can at any given time." Brandon paused several seconds. "And forgiving ourselves for the transgressions we've made along the way."
Chapter 10
I strolled north on Las Vegas Boulevard toward Tropicana Avenue and Luke. Despite the nearly psychedelic experience I had reveled in the night before at the bachelor party, I had been ready to forsake any further taste in order to spend the night with Brandon. But when Brandon had made it clear that wasn't going to happen, because of his heightening feelings for Hazel, I didn't hesitate to exchange a smattering of text messages with Luke.
Luke wanted me to come by later, after he and his friends had concluded their poker game. I wrote him that I only had an hour to spare and it had to be now or never. When he hesitated, I wrote back and told him I had an idea he might l
ike. After he met me in the lobby of the casino hotel, Luke explained that the party rental company had taken away the glory hole box and that only he, Todd, and two of their friends remained in town. Rather than hitting the clubs, they had decided to spend the night in their suite drinking whiskey, smoking cigars, and playing poker. Luke said I could hang out in the bedroom in case anyone wanted to take a break from the game with me, but he was skeptical it could work. "The thing is," he added, "Todd specifically asked for me to get you back here tonight so he could get the best blowjob of his life while he's still single."
I countered with a better offer. Describing a pornographic movie scene I had once seen, I suggested I could hide under the poker table. The guys would forget about me or pretend I wasn't there. No one would speak about my presence at all. But on my hands and knees, I would service them however they wanted. If they kicked off a shoe I would massage the foot. If they unzipped their pants, I'd suck them dry.
Luke winced at the brutal language I used. "It sounds degrading."
"It's just a fantasy," I replied. "It all depends on your perspective. And it's no more degrading than having you guys ramming my face in a box."
We both smiled at that and Luke bumped fists with me. "Okay, awesome, let's try it."
I succeeded in my personal goal to get each of the four men nude below their waists and down to their bare feet within the hour. Besides Luke and Todd, the other two men were very sexy, with what I guessed might have been Greek and Italian heritage. All four hunks took advantage of my presence under the table, but kept playing poker as if nothing was happening.
I shouldn't have had any distractions. But stray thoughts interrupted and rattled me. Mostly, I thought of Andrew. Cody in Texas also crossed my mind and I wondered what he might be pondering as my reason for failing to return his call today. Why hadn't I phoned him after my hiking trip? I also saw imaginary montage images of Andrew and Brandon glaring at me and I realized they might be horrified if they could see what I was doing under the table. Looking at myself through their eyes, had I become a barbarian? The possible answer created a knot in the pit of my stomach.
There were other irritations. The cigar smoke was rancid. The previous summer I had tried a few cigars, but they were always unlit. Tonight, the smoke was permeating my clothes and hair and denying me fresh breaths of air. Todd kept trying to put his finger in my ass. But without lubrication, it hurt and didn't do anything for me. Finally, I started worrying I had waited too late to get Brandon a thank you gift. Could I find any stores open this late, I kept asking myself.
Once all four men had blasted out at least one orgasm, I fastened up my pants and took advantage of the hoopla when a large jackpot was won. I bolted out from underneath the table, slipped out of the room without looking back, darted down the hallway, and raced down the seemingly endless flights of stairs. It's not that I felt shame or regret. I just had one thing on my mind. Brandon's gift.
A few blocks away I found an indoor mall open until eleven o'clock, giving me just ten minutes to spare. It was called the Miracle Mile Shops at Planet Hollywood. Fortunately, I instantly found an ideal gift. A luxury shaving kit, complete with oils, razors, creams, and facial cloths. The store even had an attractive black and white gift box for just a few bucks more. I was happy thinking about what Brandon's reaction would be when he found it in his guest bathroom after I had left for the airport in the morning. I nearly skipped with joy and relief as I wandered out of the mall to the passenger pick-up zone where I could catch a shared ride back to Brandon's house in Henderson.
Chapter 11
While waiting at the airport gate for my plane to board, I sat with my back to the glass wall of the terminal to catch the morning light. I phoned Cody and left him a voicemail message. I then checked my work emails and rummaged through phone messages. Luke had sent me two text messages asking me why I dashed away. He wanted to know if I was upset and whether I was okay. I wrote Luke a reply and told him that I was fine, but I had stayed too long and almost missed meeting up with a friend of mine last night. It was a lame fib, though good enough. He immediately responded with a thumbs up emoji, wished me well, and told me to stay in touch. I sent the same emoji back and added a smiley face.
With my remaining time before boarding I decided to write down the things Brandon had said to me at dinner the night before. I had only understood a portion of what he had said and thought that putting his words into writing might help me decipher them. It wasn't that Brandon spoke in code. He had been straightforward, though I couldn't put all of the pieces together. I wrote down a few sentences and realized I could not exactly recall the rest. If I was unable to improve my memory within a few days I resolved to phone him and request that he talk through the matters with me again.
The trip home alone proved to be not nearly as enjoyable as the initial journey with Andrew. The flight was bumpy. The passenger beside me was grumpy and gassy. The overhead bins were overstuffed and I had to shove my carry on bag under my feet. Worst of all, the knot returned to the pit of my stomach and began filling me with a growing dread.
Andrew and Willow picked me up once the plane landed. I thanked them profusely, as our town was two hours away from the airport, requiring them to set aside at least four hours of their day to help me out. They were in chipper spirits and took me to a coffeeshop for some caffeine and refreshment. When Willow pressed me for a recap of the vacation, I shared a description of the sixty-fourth floor restaurant Brandon had taken me to and flipped through photographs of Sloan Canyon petroglyphs on my phone.
Andrew also had news. His challenges at the parlor had mounted upon his return. One of the ink artists who used to be his peer and friend had stormed out and quit after learning that the owner had chosen Andrew to be the new manager. Andrew didn't know if the root of it was jealousy or something else, but he said there was no time to psychoanalyze it and he had to stay focused on hiring a replacement, amidst the other changes taking place. Willow interjected with a comment that despite everything, Andrew had been able to keep the parlor open regular hours and provide people with high quality tattoos. Andrew winked and nodded. That was the crucial fact for him at the moment.
When we finally reached our hometown, we made a surprise visit to the parlor so Andrew could check on his staff. They were busy, with two customers lurking in the reception area awaiting tattoos. Andrew decided to stay and ease the load, so Willow drove me the rest of the way back to my duplex.
"Andrew didn't like leaving you alone in Vegas," Willow said, as she parked the car along the curb and pulled her long dark hair away from her face. She kept the engine running to keep us warm from the chilly temperatures outdoors.
"I wasn't really alone," I replied. "I was with Brandon some of the time. I understood why Andrew had to return. He's the manager of the parlor now. They needed him in a pinch."
"Well, he worried about you."
"Andrew said that?"
"You're still young and big cities have more than their fair share of dangers, muggers, and crooks of every kind. I told him you are a big boy and you could take of yourself."
"Did that stop his worrying?"
"No."
"I wonder why not."
"Andrew might think of himself as a brother to you. Or perhaps as a mentor. He's protective of you, Kieran. Maybe you need to show him you can make good choices and decisions for yourself."
"How would I do that?"
"That's for you to figure out," Willow answered, blinking heavily. "I'm just throwing it out there. Food for thought."
Chapter 12
The week went by without any meaningful contact with Andrew. He was working late, odd hours and spending more nights away from the duplex. Though we shared separate halves of the same house, he seemed far away. In my weak moments, usually when lonely in the middle of the night, I sensed a gulf had stretched between myself and Andrew, likely due to what Brandon had probably told him. In my strong moments, I convinced myself that Andrew wa
s just burdened with difficult work responsibilities and our relationship would wholeheartedly resume when he had the tattoo parlor fully staffed and back on track.
"I miss you," I wrote in a text message to Andrew, after I hadn't even incidentally crossed paths with him in more than three days.
"Same," he typed back, a few hours later. "I hope you are well."
Cody arrived back for a short trip. He was one of two engineering geologists consulting with the wetlands preserve where I worked to help it expand with more structures and programs. We went to dinner together directly after work. Seeing him again, dressed in a fitted brown suit that stylishly gripped his mighty body, he looked every bit as majestic as the night I first met him at the Halloween party, where he wore the Caesar costume and crown wreath of bay laurel leaves. Cody was in his late twenties, an inch or two taller than me, and he had honey-colored skin, thick hair and brows, warm brown eyes, and the powerful build of a wrestler or bobsledder.
During Cody's previous visit we had bonded closely and had a few marathon nights of experimental sex. I couldn't wait for dinner to end so we could go back to the cabin lodge where he stayed during his consulting visits. But Cody was in no hurry. He talked to me about Texas, particularly Austin, and how the state was growing and changing. He expressed an interest in the hike I took to view petroglyphs and asked for my impressions of Las Vegas and tourism.
After dinner Cody and I went to the downtown square. Under the Christmas lights, portions of the square had been sectioned off for holiday activities and displays. A large pumpkin patch, suitable for people of all ages, was positioned near the center fountain, which was turned off this time of year due to the possibility of freezing temperatures. Rectangular bales of hay were positioned throughout instead of chairs, as visitors could order cups of hot apple cider and sit and watch the glistening lights on the ornately decorated Christmas trees throughout the square. Cody and I each had two cups, but our hands and feet got cold and we headed back toward our cars.
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