That was the one thing he didn't really want to think about. The Goddess had said that it would be his choice, but making that choice, he knew, would mean much more than simply what he wanted. After he got his memory back, he was afraid that there really wouldn't be a choice. It would be alot easier for Tarrin the Were-cat to protect the Firestaff than it would be for Tarrin the human. That Tarrin was bigger, stronger, faster, more magically powerful, and lacked the comparative morality that may make Tarrin the human hesitate in a moment of extreme danger, and put everything at risk. He wanted it to be his choice, his decision, a choice based on nothing more than his own desires. But he had a feeling that it was going to be alot more complicated than that. Maybe it was selfish and childish for him to think that way, but he couldn't help it. It was his life, after all, and he wanted the chance to make of it what he wanted, not what others would need of him.
Worries, worries, worries. Nothing seemed simple now, not even for him and his altered sense of being. They'd given him time to himself, kept him out of the loop of information to spare him heavy thoughts, and at least for that he could appreciate their looking out for him. But no matter how much he liked being distanced from the center of things, the simple fact of the matter was that he was the center of things, and he couldn't be outside the hub for very long. Any decisions that were made were going to affect him in one way or another, and he'd learn about them one way or another.
But there was little he could do about that right now. What he could do was what he'd already decided to do. Learn as much as he could about who he had been and what he'd been doing, stay away from Auli, and spend time with his daughter. They were rather simple things, but he had to start somewhere, and he had to get busy with the task of trying to make his choice.
Things were going to work out. He had faith in that, and after all, there was little he'd be doing to make that come about. He'd just have to let things go on their own and hope that the currents they made caused him to go in the right direction.
The decision to stay away from Auli was a very simple one. After all, it was a simple concept, that being to avoid the girl whenever possible and make sure that when he did see her, he wasn't alone. It seemed easy enough, taking little more than a watchful eye and caution when venturing out from his rooms.
The problem was, he didn't take Auli herself into account when he decided how simple a matter it would be.
He knew that she was clever and rather cunning, and he knew that she was very bold. What he didn't count on was how persistent she could be. Everywhere he seemed to go, she was never very far away. Either alone or in the company of other Sha'Kar girls, he seemed to encounter her in the passages, in the library, in the kitchens, in the gardens, on the grounds. It seemed that no matter when he left his room, no matter how short his trip was, Auli found some way to put herself where she would cross his path. When she did, she would always try to get close to him, brush up against him, or whisper something seductive in his ear. The other Sha'Kar girls, seeing what Auli was doing, though it to be devilish fun, and they even began to help her by blocking his path and giving her more time to try to work her magic on him. Tarrin realized that when he left his room, the Sha'Kar network of shallow girls got the word back to Auli that her prey was out of his protective den, and she would swoop in to try to make a kill.
Tarrin countered by always keeping someone with him when he went out. Dar was usually his escort, but much of the time, it was Koran Dar or Camara Tal, one of his sisters, Azakar Kanash, Jenna, or one of the Were-cats. He was still a little angry with them for how he treated him, but in that one narrow instance he was usually happy they were around. Auli seemed unafraid of Jesmind, Kimmie, and Jula, but she wouldn't come anywhere near him when one of them was with him. For the few days after Auli started following him around, he made sure that he wasn't too far from one of them. They would often take him up to Jesmind's room, where he would spend hours and hours talking with Jesmind, his sisters, and whoever happened to be visiting, and playing with his daughter. She taught him all sorts of things about herself and himself, chattering on animatedly about things that nobody else had really said to him, very private and somewhat embarassing things about how he and Jesmind carried on when they were together.
One thing that did concern him a little was that Triana was still missing from the Tower. Nobody really knew where she went or what she was doing, but Jesmind wasn't very worried. She simply said she'd show up when she was ready, and that was that.
Tarrin's room was not as protected as he had once believed. Three days after the meeting, after he came back at night from a long visit with Jasana, he found her in his room. She was sitting on the bed sedately, and she wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing. The only thing she was wearing was a seductive smile. Fortunately for him, the shock of seeing her there overwhelmed his very real desire to want to find her just like that some evening. Tarrin both wanted Auli and wanted to stay away from Auli, and he knew that he'd let her win as soon as she caught him in a position where she could overwhelm his decision to stay away from her. That, and the fact that she was on the other side of the room. He certainly enjoyed seeing her like that, but luckily for him, he wasn't close enough to let himself fall under her spell.
It had perhaps been too easy for him to back out of the room and flee from her, but this raise of the stakes in her little game upset him quite a bit. His room was one of the few things that he considered his and his alone in the Tower, representing what little identity he could manage to find with the loss of his memory, and he was sincerely angry with Auli for violating his private space. He made sure to let her know the next day, and for the first time ever, that slow smile of hers dropped into a chagrined frown when he snapped at her hotly for coming into his room without being invited. She seemed to realize that she had crossed a line that should not have been crossed, and her rather contrite apology actually convinced him that she wouldn't do it again.
She actually left him alone for a couple of days after that, and Tarrin took advantage of it by spending as much time of it as he could outside. He took Jasana with him, and with Jula following behind or accompanying him, they would run around the gardens exploring. The gardens were huge, and it took quite a while for someone to get to know his way around. They took up almost all the space behind the North Tower, almost all the way up to the fence, filled with almost every flower, plant, tree, and vine imaginable. Tarrin was carrying Jasana on his shoulders, feeling with a bit of eerie curiosity as her tail slid back and forth against his back, holding onto her furry little ankles. Jula was with them, walking alongside him. Tarrin felt strangely comfortable around Jula, but he could tell that she didn't seem to be as comfortable with him. He wasn't quite sure why, but he could tell that she was. She was always very quiet, almost stiffly polite, and had trouble looking him in the eye.
"Oooh, what kind of tree is that?" Jasana asked in excitement, point at a rather large tree swaying in a gentle wind. "It's pretty with those blue leaves!"
"That's a blueleaf tree," Tarrin told her. "They're common in the north. This is a little south for there to really be much of them. They like cold weather."
"I've never seen those before."
"You should have. There are lots of them around Aldreth."
"Well, I don't remember them."
"I guess that's a fair excuse," he chuckled, bouncing her a bit. "They certainly gave it a clever and descriptive name, didn't they?"
"What do you mean?"
"Nevermind," he chuckled.
"Papa, I've been meaning to ask you something."
"What?"
"What's it like to not rememeber?"
"Well, it's not something I can explain, Jasana," he answered. "Since I can't remember anything, there's really nothing I feel about it. Everything seems new and strange to me, just like it's my first time seeing it."
"How can you not remember? That doesn't seem to make sense."
"Don't you forget things?"
&
nbsp; "Well, yeah, but nothing serious."
"Well, it's kind of like that, but I guess in my case, it was serious."
"Mama said that a magic spell did it to you."
"I guess it was. I really can't remember."
"She also said the silly human with the white hair is going to fix it."
"He's working on it," he affirmed.
"Mama said when you get your memory back, you'll be just like you were before. Does that mean you won't be a human anymore?"
That startled him a little bit. "I'm not sure yet, Jasana," he answered seriously. "I'm supposed to decide if I want to be a Were-cat again or not. I can't really do that until I get back my memory, so I guess we won't find that out until I get back my memory."
"That seems like a silly thing to say, papa," she chided. "You look funny like this, and you can't be with us if you're a human. Mama said so."
"I k now."
"Well, you promised you'd come back, and we'd be a family again, Papa. If you're not like us again, you'll be breaking your promise to me."
Tarrin was a little surprised by the vehemence in her voice. "If I do stay like this, I can still be your father, Jasana," he said in the mildest tone he could manage. "Can't I do everything that I could do before?"
"No," she said bluntly. "You can't kiss me goodnight, and you can't teach me how to hunt, and you can't teach me magic anymore, and you're not in Mama's room where you're supposed to be when I want to sleep with you."
"Well, I guess you have me there," he chuckled. "But I still love you, and I'll still be there when you need me. Wouldn't you still love me, even if I end up staying like this?"
"Well, yes, but it won't be the same."
"It wouldn't be the same for me either," he assured her. "But I think you're getting too far ahead of yourself, Jasana. It's going to be another three rides and more before they can give me back my memory. Since I can't decide until then, I think dwelling on it makes it hard for us to enjoy the time we have now. Don't you?"
"It bothers me, Papa."
"It bothers me too, but I don't want to spend the whole month worrying."
"I'm hungry," Jula cut in, obviously trying to distract the Were-cat child. "Do you want to go get something to eat, Jasana?"
"Umm," she sounded. Tarrin had learned that it meant yes for her.
Tarrin set Jasana down on the ground, and she held onto his hand for a long moment. "How did you bite Jula, Papa?" she asked curiously. "Mama never told me."
Tarrin gave her a strange look, but it was nothing compared to the strangled look that Jula gave the Were-cat girl. "Don't you remember, Jasana? I lost my memory."
"Oh," she frowned. "How did it happen, Jula?" she asked.
"Tarrin didn't bite me," she said shortly. "I did this to myself."
"How can you bite yourself?"
"It's hard to explain, cub," she told her. "And I don't think it's something that a little girl should hear."
Jasana pursed her lips, but said nothing more.
They had told Tarrin about that, that Jula had used his blood to turn herself after he had mortally wounded her and left her to die. It was a testament to both how nasty he'd become at that time and how far Jula would go to stay alive. But from what he'd been told, Tarrin had more or less forgiven Jula for everything she did to him, had even accepted her as an adopted daughter, which was why she remained with Jesmind and Jasana.
They met Jesmind in the kitchens, and as usual over the last few days, Tarrin greeted her with guarded manners. He was grateful that she was keeping Auli at bay, but the truth of the matter was that he still wasn't very happy with her for her following him around. She was still doing it. The only reason he knew that she was was because Jasana had a big mouth. He hadn't seen her, and she wasn't showing herself to warn off Auli. He guessed she decided not to intervene unless things got serious. Jesmind gave him that same look she always did, a look of concern, pity, irritation, and anger as she picked up Jasana. "It's time for her lesson," she announced curtly. "I hope you don't mind."
"No, it's alright," Tarrin told her. "Look's like fun's over, Jasana," he told her with a smile. "I guess you have work to do now."
"Aww, I don't wanna go to lessons today," she complained.
"You almost tore off my tail to get Jenna to teach you again after she punished you, and now you don't want to go? I don't think so, cub," Jesmind told her sharply.
"What did she get punished for?" he asked curiously.
"Using magic outside of lessons," Jesmind said. "She's not allowed to do that."
"I just wanted to see if it would work, that's all," Jasana said in a slightly challenging tone. "I didn't do anything serious."
"You call turning the Southeast Tower pink not serious?" Jesmind scoffed.
"It's not like I broke anything," she complained.
"Maybe not, but you have no idea how ugly that was," Jesmind told Tarrin offhandedly.
Tarrin was silently impressed. To have enough magical power to change the color of something as big as one of the splinter towers, that was some magic.
"Enough chatter, cub, we're going to be late. You coming up for dinner, Tarrin?"
"I guess so," he told her.
"Don't be late," she said with a slight smile, and then she carried her daugher out.
Jula stayed with him as they got something to eat, and then him and the Were-cat woman walked back outside. Tarrin didn't like staying inside, not when the summer weather was so warm and beautiful. She walked along with him in silence, but he could tell that she was a little tense. She always seemed to be tense when they were alone, and he wasn't sure why. Well, there was one way to find out.
"Why are you always so nervous around me, Jula?" he asked directly.
It seemed to surprise her that he would ask that. She looked away for a moment, and Tarrin realized how pretty she was, looking at her profile that way. "Since you lost your memory, I know that they're telling you about your past."
"They have been."
"Then I'm sure they've told you about our, history," she said with a telling pause.
"That's all that has you worried?" he asked in surprise. "Even if I did remember it, it's old news, Jula."
She looked at him in surprise.
"Did you think I was going to hate you for what I've heard?"
She looked a little chagrined. "I guess I did," she admitted.
"Well, it's not what happened before, it's what I see now that's important," he said. "I may not remember anything that happened, but the fact that you're virtually a member of my family tells me everything I need to know. People change, Jula. I'm pretty sure about that, given what I've heard about myself. There may have been something very bad in our pasts, but that doesn't really matter. From what I've heard, I let it go, and you must have let it go, so consider it nothing to worry about."
"I'd like to believe that, Tarrin, but I don't think you understand."
"I understand perfectly," he said. "What you did to me made me feral, and that's the main reason I did some of the awful things I did in the past." She was silent, looking at her feet as they walked. "But I changed. They told me that I was feral when I went into the desert, and I wasn't when I came out--well, not completely. So everything turned out alright. Does it matter what happened before that?"
"It does to me," she muttered.
"Alright then, answer me this. Why do you stay with Jesmind and Jasana?"
"Because I'm not a full adult yet," she answered. "I'm still a child. I have to stay with Jesmind."
"Staying with her isn't the same as living with her," Tarrin noted. "I've seen how she acts towards you, Jula. She treats you like a daughter, and Jasana thinks you're her sister. You're a member of the family, and you act like one. You help watch Jasana, and you do what you can for Jesmind. You don't have to do those things. Why do you do them?"
Jula was quiet a long moment. "Because you took me in when everyone else threw me away," she answered in a quiet yet emotional vo
ice. "You were kind to me when no one else was. You took me in when I was all but mad and ready to kill myself, and you wouldn't give up on me. I promised you I'd be a good daughter, and I owe you much more than that. More than I'll ever be able to repay."
He'd known about that, but to hear about it from her point of view, it explained everything now. She was terrified that the biggest person in her life that mattered to her, the one she saw as her father figure, was going to reject her. That, and he could tell that she just couldn't forget the past, becuase she was the one that they were all talking about. Jula had been the one to betray Tarrin and turn him feral, and no matter how many people forgot about that, she never would. She still felt guilty over it.
"Don't worry about it, Jula," he said gently. "You don't owe me anything. I'd much rather you be my friend than my servant."
That statement, carefully weighed as the easiest way to relieve her fears without coming right out and addressing them, seemed to have the effect he intended. Jula relaxed visibly, and then gave him a look of such profound gratitude that it nearly made his emotional. She reached out and put her big hand on his shoulder. "Triana said you'd be full of surprises," she said with a wan smile. "Am I that transparent?"
"I just knew what to look for, that's all," he smiled. "I'm not going to turn my back on you, Jula. I didn't before, and I won't now."
She gave him a glorious smile, then actually hugged him gently. "Even now, you're still too good to me, father," she said sincerely.
It felt strange to hear her call him that, but she meant it, so he wasn't going to raise a fuss about it. "Tell me about how you ended up as a Were-cat," he asked.
They stepped out of the Tower and out onto the pathway that led to the gardens. "I'm sure they already told you," she said, "so I don't have to go into all the details. After Kerri and Allia rescued you from the Cathedral of Karas, you caught up with me here in the Tower before I could get away. You crippled me and left me to die. I don't blame you for that," she said quickly. "After everything I'd just done to you, I more than deserved it. I had a vial of your blood with me, and I used that to turn myself in order to survive."
Tarrin Kael Firestaff Collection Book 5 - Weavespinner by Fel © Page 18