Keltoi, St Mary’s Hospital, Phoenix Park, Dublin 20, tel 01 620 0040
Peter McVerry Trust, Head Office, 29 Mountjoy Square, Dublin 1, tel 01 823 0776, fax 01 823 0778, email [email protected], www.pmvtrust.ie
Rutland Centre, Knocklyon Road, Templeogue, Dublin 16, tel 01 494 6358, fax 01 494 6444, email [email protected], www.rutlandcentre.ie
Soilse, 1–2 Henrietta Place, off North King Street, Dublin 1, tel 872 4922, fax 872 4891, email [email protected]
Victory Outreach, Unit 11/12 Westlink Industrial Estate, Kylemore Road, Ballyfermot, Dublin 10, tel 01 623 9383, fax 623 9390, email [email protected], www.victoryoutreachdublin.ie
1979. This is my christening photo, the one that my mother, Lynda, tore up. My father should be standing beside my auntie Jacqueline (right)—but my mother didn’t want me to know who he was.
1986. This is me on my communion day, young, bright and with everything to live for. Little did I know what lay ahead.
1986. With my grandmother Theresa and my brother, Philip. Philip was only a few months old, and I was still trying to get used to the idea of having a brother.
1986. (Left to right) My uncle Laurence, my grandfather John and my other uncle Jonathan, taken at my auntie Marion’s wedding.
1987. Me and my teddy. When I look at this picture, I wonder how on earth did I go from being so sweet and innocent—to a full-blown heroin addict.
1987. With my brother, Philip. I just loved it when he came to visit. We would spend most of our time playing together.
My brother, Philip, and I again, spending time in my grandparents’ garden. I missed him when I was on drugs. But now that I am drug-free we are the best of friends.
1989. This is me studying and being a model student. My homework always came first, before anything else.
1989. My grandparents John and Theresa Keogh. My grandfather taught me about life’s difficulties. My grandmother taught me how to love and get through them.
1990. (Left to right) My auntie Marion, my mother, Lynda, and my other auntie Jacqueline. This picture was taken during better times, before they knew the extent of my addiction. But even through the tough times they always remained close.
1999. This picture shows how close my grandmother Theresa and I were. It was taken at my auntie Jacqueline’s wedding. But my grandmother had to send me home early that night because I was so sick and stoned. My make-up and clothes hid the truth of my addiction.
2000. Here I’m with my auntie Marion and her adopted son, Naladun. The picture was taken just after I had split up with Derek, and it was my first real rock bottom. I was very sick, and I’m convinced now that, if I had not gone to Italy at that stage, I would have died.
2005. A picture that makes me sad. I had just left the Rutland Centre, broken up with Derek—and relapsed. This was when I began to self harm.
2005. In the place that brought me to my knees with drugs: Ballymun.
2005. In Ballymun again—probably getting ready to go shoplifting. Without the clothes and make-up, I looked like death warmed up.
2005. The Ballymun blocks were a comfort to me. Deep down, I thought I didn’t deserve any better than the life I was living.
2006. Here I am at the very end of my addiction. I knew in my heart that I couldn’t live for much longer.
2006. I had just been released from prison on the recommendation of Dr Brian Sweeney. The media were my life-line, although how I coped with the pressure I will never know.
2006. At the Mater Hospital, waiting to go into treatment. I was at my lowest ever point—and quickly losing hope.
2006. (Left to right) Myself, my brother, Philip, and my mother, Lynda. I was on the road to recovery and waiting to go into treatment. And, I was beginning to build bridges with my family.
2006. Alison O’Reilly, the Sky News reporter (left), and myself. Alison believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself.
2007. Here I am, drug-free and heavily pregnant, giving a talk in a school.
My beautiful son, Senán. He was worth it all.
2008. My two great loves: Patrick, and our wonderful son, Senán.
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© Rachael Keogh 2009, 2010
First published by Gill & Macmillan 2009
This ebook edition published by Gill & Macmillan 2011
9780717151615 (epub)
9780717152209 (mobi)
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be copied, reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without permission of the publishers.
A CIP catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
About the Author
Rachael Keogh is a thirty-three-year-old Dubliner, the mother of a little boy, and a student.
To the two angels in my life:
Senán and my grandmother, Theresa Keogh
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
In July 2006, at the end of my drug addiction, I got down on my knees and I begged God to bring the right people into my life to help me get my life back on track. My prayers were answered and since then I have had the privilege of meeting some of the most amazing people: without you all I probably wouldn’t be here today to tell my story.
So thank you, God, my backbone, because without you to turn to for strength and guidance, I would no doubt be either lost or dead.
To my beautiful son, Senán, who brings so much magic and happiness into my life. You came into my life for a reason and you give me every incentive to be the best that I can possibly be. I love you so much.
To my family: Lynda, Philip, Theresa and John, Laurence, Jacqueline, Jacopo, Marion and Jonathon Keogh. To Declan Connaughton, Jennifer Donnelly, Naladun, Nhamthi, Thu-yen Connaughton and Reuben Keogh. I put you all through hell, but no matter what happened you always believed in me. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for never giving up hope and for being there for me as best you could. Love you all. Thanks also to my extended family, the Keoghs, the Kellys and the Foxes.
Patrick, I knew you before I ever met you. Thank you for our precious little boy, Senán. And thank you for teaching me how to love. Even through your addiction you were always there for me as best you could. Love you always.
To Michael Mc Loughlin and Roxy. You are forever in my heart and I will never forget you.
To my editor, Alison Walsh. Thank you very much for being so understanding and for all your support.
To Annette, Jimmy and the girls. Thank you so much for all your support. Special thanks to Alan Furlong. You guided me through the toughest part of my recovery and I am eternally grateful to you for that. Special thanks also go to all the staff in Keltoi, especially Pádraig, because you never let me forget my strengths and you supported me in every decision I made, good or not so good.
To my friends, the people whom I truly respect: Neil Arnold (love you always), Val Arnold, Simon Rynn (you have a heart of gold), Alison and Calbach O’Reilly and family. Katriona O’Sullivan (my guru), Declan Crawford, Rachel Dingle, Thomas Farrell, Gary Cunniam, Tommy K, Brendan Magee, Ann-Marie O’Toole, Eoghan Keogh, Valerie Murphy, Paula Valentine, Karen Dowling, Chris Tormey, Wayne King, Angie, Nadine, Carla, Anita, Helen G, Suzanne, Sharon, Ana, Sandra, Debbie, Diarmaid Cox, Jimmy Judge, Brendan Marsh, Yvonne Kinsella, Ciaran Dunleavy, Alice Kennedy and family. I don’t tell you often enough but you are the people who inspire me. Thanks for being there.
Special thanks to Fr Adrian and Sister Elvira. You both changed my life.
Special thanks to Narcotics Anonymous and all its members. You know who you are. To NA, I owe my life.
Acknowledgments to the Smith family: Ann, John, Emma, John-Paul, Kathryn, Claire, Jennifer and Glen. Also to Michelle Kelleher and family; and to Edel Hessanan and family.
Acknowledgmen
ts to Fr Peter McVerry. Thanks for always believing in us addicts. We need more people like you. To all the staff in the Rutland Centre. To Tony Geoghegan at the Merchants Quay Project, Michael Durkin at Riz and all the staff at Cuan Dara and Georges Hill Step-down Programme. To Dr Brian Sweeney, to Paul Meleady and all the people at Coolmine, Fr Dennis Rafferty (Enfield) and Seán Mc Dermott, my old counsellor, who believed in me when I couldn’t believe in myself. Thank you so much. To Olive, Robert and Geraldine, outreach workers at Domville House. Thanks for never giving up on me. To all those at Victory Outreach. Much respect to all you people. You don’t get enough credit for the work you do.
To my solicitor, Fiona Brennan, thank you for always putting up a good fight for me, and for doing such a good job. Also to Michael Brennan of the Irish Independent and Petrina Vousden of the Daily Mail.
Thank you so much to all who supported me through my early recovery. To everyone who crossed my path and who wished me well or said a kind word. You kept me going. And thanks to those who doubted me or who said I would never get clean, because, when all else failed, you were my driving force.
In memory of Margaret Keogh and also of my old friends Paulie Murphy, Martin Coin, Thomas McBride, Roy Murphy, Martin Carrick, Yvonne Crawford, Sandra O’Connor, Sinéad Kelly, Jeff Moore, Bubbles and Desi Coutin, Paddy Aery, Keith Medcalf and their families. I thought of you all when I was writing this book.
And last but not least, to the addicts who still suffer and their families. This book is especially for you. I hope my story will give you some hope. Because, without hope, what do we have?
About the Publisher
Gill & Macmillan publishes a wide range of Irish-interest non-fiction, from history to economics, politics to cookery and biography to children’s. Since 1968 we have published outstanding authors and groundbreaking books such as David McWilliams’ The Pope’s Children, Noel Browne’s Against the Tide, Garret FitzGerald’s All in a Life, Augustine Martin’s Soundings and three generations of Ballymaloe’s Allen family on our cookery list.
Our story begins in 1856 when Michael Henry Gill, then printer for Dublin University, purchased the publishing and bookselling business of James McGlashan, forming McGlashan & Gill. In 1875 the name was changed to M.H. Gill & Son. In 1968 Gill & Macmillan was established as a result of an association with Macmillan of London, which had been founded in 1843. Gills had a shop on Dublin’s O’Connell St that sold books for 123 years until 1979. Today our bookshop can be found at www.gillmacmillan.ie.
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For more information about us, our titles, or to join our mailing list, please visit www.gillmacmillan.ie.
Other eBooks available from Gill & Macmillan:
Irish History
News from a New Republic: Ireland in the 1950s – Tom Garvin
King Dan: The Rise of Daniel O’Connell, 1775–1829 – Patrick M. Geoghegan
Liberator: The Life and Death of Daniel O’Connell, 1830–1847 – Patrick M.Geoghegan
The Bombing of Dublin's North Strand,1941: The Untold Story – Kevin C. Kearns
The Reluctant Taoiseach: A Biography of John A. Costello – David McCullagh
The Plantation of Ulster – Jonathan Bardon
Enigma: A New Life of Charles Stewart Parnell – Paul Bew
Ireland's Arctic Siege: The Big Freeze of 1947 – Kevin C. Kearns
A City in Wartime: Dublin 1914–1918 – Pádraig Yeates
The Western Front: Irish Voices from the Great War – William Sheehan
Funding the Nation: Money and Nationalist Politics in Nineteenth-Century Ireland –Michael Keyes
The Year of Disappearances: Political Killings in Cork, 1921–1922 – Gerard Murphy
Irish Politics and Current Affairs
The End of the Party: How Fianna Fáil Lost its Grip on Power – Bruce Arnold and Jason O’Toole
Bertie: Power and Money – Colm Keena
Fianna Fáil: A Biography of the Party – Noel Whelan
True Life
Dying to Survive – Rachael Keogh
Little Fighters: The Million-to-One Miracles – Angie Benhaffaf
Buen Camino! A Father–Daughter Journey from Croagh Patrick to Santiago deCompostela – Natasha and Peter Murtagh
Let This Be Our Secret: The Shocking True Story Of A Killer Dentist, His Mistress, How They Murdered Their Spouses – And How They Almost Got Away With It – Deric Henderson
A Parish Far From Home – Philip O’Connor
Health and Well-being
The Courage to Be Happy: A New Approach to Well-Being in Everyday Life – Colm O’Connor
The Survivor’s Mindset: Kick-start your health with the power of your mind and body– Bernadette Bohan
The Choice: The true story of a mother’s triumph over cancer – Bernadette Bohan
Reference
Words We Don't Use (Much Anymore) – Diarmaid Ó Muirithe
The Money Doctor Finance Annual – John Lowe
Humour
Rowdy Rhymes and Rec-im-itations – Vincent Caprani
Short Back and Sides: Tales From An Irish Barber Shop – Peter Quinn
Dying to Survive Page 23