by Martha Long
‘What, Dinah? Tell us,’ I said, seeing her eyes wandering off again.
‘Maybe while me da is in here me ma might take me home. She’s livin there on her own. We’d be company fer each other. Will ye ask her fer me, Martha? She will listen to you!’
‘Oh, the ma never listens to me, Dinah!’ I laughed, thinking she never listens to anyone except Jackser.
‘But she might, if you tell her I’m OK. Ye can see I would be able te live at home, Martha. Will ye ask her? I’m goin te ask her meself. I did yesterday. But she wouldn’t take any notice a me.’
‘Jaysus, at that rate of going, Dinah, it’s just as well them nurses didn’t get their hands on you. If they had managed to drag you back, making a bad report, then those doctors would have had a good excuse to hold you!’ I said, looking at her, thinking we had a lucky escape.
‘Oh, yeah! Ye’re right there, Martha. That’s wha I was just thinkin meself. I even knew tha today. That’s why I didn’t want te go back. They would have knocked me out wit more drugs, given me an injection, then watched me all the time. Tha does ye no good, Martha. Because then they keep ye drugged so bad ye don’t know day from night. Weeks can pass, an it takes a long time for them te wear off. I do get very sick, Martha.’
I looked at her, seeing the suffering now really coming through her eyes as she thought about it. It was working itself across her face, making her look old, tired and weary. Yet you could still see behind it the young woman with the light blue eyes and the white youthful skin. She went very still, like she was turned to marble with a crease of sorrow frozen on her face. Her eyes stared into the distance, getting a picture that only she could see.
‘Are you thinking, Dinah?’ I said quietly, putting my arm around her gently.
She blinked, clamping her eyes shut tight, then opened them wide, staring, with the big blue eyes looking straight at me.
I smiled, saying, ‘You were lost! Where did you go to, Dinah?’
She shifted her eyes away from me and let a smile come to her face, saying, ‘It’s funny you ask tha, Martha. I was just thinkin wouldn’t it be lovely te be at home now wit me ma an wake up in me own room. There would be nobody there watchin me. I could get me own breakfast in me own time, then go where I want. There would be no door locked te me,’ she said, looking at me like it was an impossible dream.
I stared back, thinking about it, trying to work out how it’s possible for someone to want and crave so little. Her world must be such a dark, horrible place.
Then she said, letting the smile stay on her face as her eyes lit up and looked into the distance, thinking what she would like, ‘I’d love te have nothin better than the worries about wha I was goin te wear an am I gettin me make-up on right?’ she laughed.
‘Then what would you do?’ I said, really wanting to know, thinking these and more, much much more, I never even think about. They are all there for the taking – the freedom to live life.
‘Well, it would be great te take me time an wander around the shops, lookin te see what I’d like te buy if I had the money,’ she laughed. ‘To do it just for the sake of it, because there’s no one te stop me. But wait fer it! No! I know what I would really like te do, I would love te get a job somewhere. There must be somethin I can do,’ she laughed. ‘I could do a job course! Plenty a them around. The mothers are all doin tha!’ she said, looking so pleased, like that was the best idea that ever came into her head. ‘I could go out wit friends an enjoy meself, go te the pictures or eat out in a cafe! Ye know wha, Martha? I could save a few bob an take me ma on a holiday! Gawd, me ma would love tha. We could go somewhere far, take the train or even go over on the boat te see England.’ Then she went quiet.
I smiled, thinking about it with my heart racing, wanting to give her that. My mind was going like the clappers, flying so fast with a buzz in my chest. It was like I get when I am thinking fast, knowing a solution will come, because it has to. But an answer kept coming and going, with the one fact clear that Dinah needs someone to keep an eye on her. How will that happen? Dinah needs someone who loves her, someone very strong and stable, someone who will take the responsibility for looking after her, and above all someone who will accept her illness as just a part of her. That is Dinah, that is the way she is, now on with the business of helping her through life. Jaysus! I could advertise for a man, a widower, someone incredibly kind and understanding who would be glad of a beautiful wife like Dinah! She’s really very soft and kind and even shy. It’s all there, hidden behind that illness. Where would I get him? Jaysus! Looking for a needle in a haystack.
‘Martha!’
I shook me head coming outa me doze, seeing her looking at me like she was waiting to tell me something.
‘What, Dinah?’ I said, moving closer to her.
‘Martha, I’m afraid all the time. Will ye say a prayer to our Blessed Lord tha some day I will find peace … All I want is tha, Martha,’ she whispered, suddenly letting go as her face crumbled and a huge sob hit, bursting her into tears.
Oh, Jesus! I cried inside myself, feeling her tears wet my cheeks as I grabbed her to me. She’s asking for your help, God. But … oh, fucking life. Oh, fuck it anyway! I wanted to laugh and cry with rage, knowing I felt inside like Don Quixote, the mad knight pissing at windmills. We come into this world clutching a hand of cards – too many bleedin dummies and you end up blowing like a leaf in the wind. That’s your challenge in return for existence. On with it! Go now and play out the game of life! shouts Fate. Yeah, and there isn’t even a fuckin complaints department!
‘What’s wrong?’ Gerry whipped, with his eyes flashing on Dinah, then rushing up to put his hands in his ears and take off, hurrying around the room. I let him be, just sat still with Dinah, rocking her as she cried quietly, letting the tears roll as she stared into an emptiness. How does she keep going? I thought, feeling my heart break at how much suffering she has to endure. Imagine, she can’t even get up and go home, live with her mother! That’s something most people of her age wouldn’t dream of doing, not willingly. They want their own families. So must she, but she is content to settle for the basic right just to live as a normal person. Oh, my heart is breaking. Life won’t even give her that. For fuck sake, all she wants is to be at ease from one minute to the next, to know she can enjoy herself, laugh with friends and fall in love. All the things we all want and take for granted. No, these things are denied to Dinah.
I stayed very still for a long time, not moving, just feeling my heart sitting in my belly. It was aching for the emptiness that sits hollow in her heart. I never knew these things had all happened just after the death of Harry. How can I ever again say I’m lonely when the night falls and I’m all alone because the children are sleeping in their beds? How can I say the sun won’t shine for me when I get a sudden crushing pain of loneliness – it will be on the sight of seeing a couple walk hand in hand while they cradle the little ones safely in their arms? No, I can’t ever again, because all I have to do is think about Dinah.
‘Right,’ I said, thinking about it. ‘I will talk to the ma and get her to come with me. Dinah, I am going to have to talk to your psychiatrist, see what he has to say. I don’t think you should be stuck in that hospital indefinitely. It depends on whether they have you stable on your medication. Also, the family, the ma – she is going to have to know what to do, make sure you take your medication properly. I think she would be able to handle that – particularly if you are living together, she will want that. Do you know something, Dinah? The ma is not as foolish as she just lets on. She has a very sharp mind when she wants. I’ll tell you how I know that. She has a bleedin photographic memory that actually makes her a fucking genius!’ I laughed, throwing my head back, really laughing at the idea.
‘No! She knows full well what she is about when it suits her,’ I said, thinking, it’s not the brains the ma lacks; it’s her mind, her damaged emotions. The way she sees herself and life. But with Dinah to take care of – well, it might just be the making of her. I
think it would be a good idea she take Gerry for the occasional weekend as well. She dotes on him, I thought, looking over, seeing him calmed down now, resting his chin in his hands, glued to the television. He wouldn’t be a problem with the support of the hospital. They could help the ma with looking after his medication too, especially if she gets used to it with Dinah. I think it would be the answer to all their problems – just her, Dinah and Gerry now that Jackser is not there driving them all into despair with his madness. Well, the ma is still standing. OK, she may be down, but she’s not out! Especially after having survived so long in the boxing ring with him. So she should be able to manage Dinah, especially now she has all the back-up from the hospital and the doctors. Yeah, why not?
‘Yes, don’t worry about it, Dinah,’ I said, reaching over and putting my arms around her. ‘Something will be sorted. Just take it easy, be patient. I have a feeling, Dinah, one door is going to close for the lot of you, but another door is going to open.’
‘What do ye mean, Martha?’ she said, letting her eyes light up with a look of new hope.
‘I don’t know what I’m thinking, but I just have a feeling, Dinah, things might happen to get better for you,’ I said.
‘Oh, Martha! It would be just great. I would be over the moon wit the happiness, if me ma took me home.’
‘Yeah, I think it would be great too, Dinah. You and the ma are very close.’
‘But so are you and her, Martha! Sure, me ma never stops talkin about you! She’s always tellin me the things ye used te get up to. She thinks the world a you, Martha,’ Dinah whispered, looking into my face, letting her eyes soften.
I was now getting a glimpse of the little Dinah that used to break my heart with her innocence and longing. I remembered the pitifully trusting big blue eyes that believed one day the world would be kind to her. We were very close then. She knew I loved her and I would give her the world if it was mine for the taking. I always felt like that about all my brothers and sisters, and especially the ma.
‘Come on! Let’s make another pot of tea and have a cigarette. Where’s them biscuits? Jaysus! Is the chocolate melted?’
‘Are ye eatin yer chocolate, Martha? My two are there as well!’ Gerry warned me, keeping his eyes peeled on me emptying the bag onto the table.
‘Yeah, we know, Gerry!’ Dinah laughed, looking at me and nodding her head over at him.
‘Are we havin more tea, Martha? Then we can eat our biscuits!’ he said, rushing over with what was left of his biscuits. ‘Here! Let me carry the cups for ye, Martha. I’m a man, I’m supposed te do them things.’
‘Who told you that, Gerry?’ I laughed, seeing him trying to grab the tray offa me.
‘Me ma told me, Martha. She said I shouldn’t let her be liftin heavy things, Martha. That’s wha she has me for! So I do, well, I will, when I’m …’
‘When you’re what, Gerry?’
‘I don’t remember wha I wanted te say, Martha. Tha happens te me sometimes; it won’t come outa me mouth.’
‘Right, well, you are a man, so here, carry that tray and let’s go. Won’t be a minute, Dinah. Just making the tea. Do you want toast?’
‘NO! I’ll burst. Anyway, I’ve only got room for me biscuits.’
‘Don’t touch mine, Dinah!’ Gerry said, whipping around with the tray.
‘Mind where you’re going, Gerry! You nearly landed that teapot down the front of me clothes. Go on, move! Don’t be worrying, she won’t bleedin touch your biscuits! We all have our own, remember?’
‘Dinah, did you ever have a boyfriend, a fella of your own?’
She nodded, munching on a biscuit, saying, ‘Yeah, I did, Martha. We were goin out for ages. But he broke it off.’
‘Oh, what happened, Dinah? What was he like?’
She stopped chewing and held the biscuit in front of her, thinking, then she said, ‘He was very quiet, Martha, very easy-goin, ye know? He wouldn’t fight wit ye or anythin like tha; he was real respectable. His family had their own house, ye know. It was a purchase house! They bought it themself.’
‘What did he do for a living, Dinah?’
‘Oh, he had a very good job. He was a qualified electrician wit the board of works. It meant when he retired they gave him a pension. We were goin te get married, Martha!’
‘Really? It was serious, Dinah?’ I said, feeling very impressed for her.
‘Yeah, he was saving fer us te buy our own place. I wanted fer nothin wit him, Martha,’ she said, starting to cry.
‘Ah, don’t, no, don’t cry, Dinah.’ I rushed over, grabbing her and rocking her against me, feeling the tears pouring down her face and onto my neck.
‘I still miss him, Martha,’ she said.
‘Shush, take it easy, Dinah. I know it hurts. It’s horrible,’ I said, feeling her sobbing, making her chest jerk.
‘He used te come inta the hospital te see me, then he told me he couldn’t come any more. Tha was the last I ever saw of him. Then, last Christmas gone, he sent me a card wishin me a happy Christmas. He wished me all the best fer the future. Then he said he was married an he just had a new baby boy. He just wanted te let me know, just so I would not be thinkin about him. That’s wha it said, Martha. I kept the card. It’s back at the hospital. I keep it buried at the back of me locker. It’s hidden so no one will take it.
‘But, Martha,’ she said, letting go and standing back to look at me.
‘What, Dinah?’ I said, looking at her, seeing her trying to say what she wanted to say.
She shook her head, like she was trying to understand. ‘I can’t stop thinkin about him. He’s in my mind day an night. He was me only boyfriend. I never went out wit another fella, Martha. I’ll never be able te get married now he’s gone! I don’t want anyone else.’
‘What happened, Dinah? Did it just get too much for him? How long were you going out?’
‘We were goin together, Martha, for three years an five weeks! I met him outside the Savoy picture house standin next te us on the queue – me an Sally were goin. It was just after the Christmas. He was wit another fella an they chatted us up. Then I went wit him, an Sally went wit his friend, Paul. But he had a girlfriend. She was away at the time. My fella, Sonny! Everyone calls him tha because he’s always laughing, but his real name is Martin O’Shea. So tha was it – we met nearly every day after tha.
‘He took me everywhere, Martha. We used te go a lot te his house. In the beginnin his ma didn’t like me. I knew she didn’t – she wasn’t very nice te me. Every time we would turn up she’d walk outa the room, barely lookin at me. I used te say it te Sonny, but he said not te take any notice, she would come around. He used te laugh an say no girl is good enough fer her sons. An she’d want them sleepin at the end of her bed if she could get away wit it,’ Dinah smiled, letting the picture sit in her head. ‘But he was right! She did get te like me, an we used to sit an watch the telly together when Sonny was playin his football. I hated tha, I did. I had no time for watchin him chasin around a ball. He played fer a team they had at work; it was a club they were all in.
‘But me an his ma would sit watchin Coronation Street an spend the night waitin fer him te get in. We got along great in the end. But after a while, things started te go wrong. I was hearin them voices. I had been bad before tha, but not tha bad. I used te just get me moods. Anyway, he came one day, not too long after the first Christmas when I went inta the hospital. It was in the beginnin a January, tha’s when he told me he wasn’t comin te see me any more. He just stood there, Martha, tellin me he still loved me but he couldn’t take any more. It was destroyin his health. He was losin weight, an the best thing was te let me go, tha he just had te walk away from me. So there ye are, Martha, he broke it all off. He’s gone for good.
‘I wouldn’t believe it for a long time. I kept tellin meself he would come back. Tha he would miss me like I was missin him. I kept watchin the door, expectin him te suddenly walk through it. But the waitin never came te anythin. He never came back, then
I got the card from him. So he really is gone, Martha. I’ve nothin left. Only me ma!’ she said quietly, dropping her voice to a whisper, looking down at the floor. Then she lifted her eyes to me, saying in a dead voice. ‘But she doesn’t want me.’
We went very quiet, letting the pain of that happening sit between us. Then Dinah sighed, saying, ‘Wha will I do, Martha? Can you make her listen? If I don’t get outa tha hospital, I’m goin te do somethin!’
‘Like what, Dinah? Do what? Harm yourself?’ I said, seeing her staring out the window with a terrible look of loss and grief and pain. It was all showing itself in the weary look in her face, making her eyes look so dead, so old, like she had reached the end of the road.
‘I’m goin te do away wit meself, Martha,’ she said quietly, giving her head a slow shake, then looking away again.
I stared at her, seeing a cold look appear in her eyes, and listened, hearing her say it in such a matter-of-fact way I knew she would. Yes, I thought, no doubt about it. I could feel a terrible fear gripping my chest. I took in a sharp breath, saying quietly, ‘Have a smoke, Dinah. I want to tell you something,’ I said, rolling myself a cigarette. ‘I know what you are saying. Dying is easy; it is the living that is hard. In fact, it can be so hard I have felt the pain of it. Believe me, Dinah, I know something about pain. The kind of pain so terrifying it trapped me, leaving me no escape. I have screamed for mercy to be released from it, but no mercy came. I have lifted my face to the heavens and howled in terror, hoping to be heard. But all I could hear was my own tortured cries echoing back at me. I have looked around and seen no way out. I was locked inside a dark, cold dungeon of despairing hell. Then I lifted my face again and cursed God from the bottom of my soul for ever letting me be born.
‘It was after that I was pushed all the way to the edge. I stood looking down, staring into the abyss – a cold, black pit that went all the way to the bowels of hell. It shook me to the core and I screamed in terror. Now I was afraid of dying. Then I turned around, looking back, and screamed even more, because I was too afraid to go on living. I had nothing to do but wait – just wait, buried in a living hell. Then it came. I rushed to the edge and jumped, not like Harry, but I took that plunge to my death nonetheless. Yes, I know what it feels like, Dinah,’ I said, staring into her eyes, seeing hers locked on mine as I spoke quietly. ‘But I was lucky. I believe it was the hand of God. It was him that whipped me back from the jaws of death. Clearly he had other plans for me. There was only one place for me to go now and that was up. So up I went, climbing all the way, realising my dreams one by one. Now, Dinah, I have a life that gives me pride. I have everything except a man,’ I laughed, thinking if only … I wonder where Ralph is! Will I ever see him again? My heart leapt, feeling a longing wanting to come to life.