by Martha Long
Oh, you were so right all along, Charlie. How very astute you were. You knew I was an eegit, because with me she got away with murder. Bloody hell, there is none so blind, Martha, than you who would not see that Sally was the real bogeyman, she was every child’s worst nightmare. A ‘She Devil’ wrapped in a mother’s cloak.
26
I turned the book over, setting it down on the little table beside the couch. Gawd, the house is very quiet. I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. ‘Oh, I’m bored,’ I sighed, listening to the silence in the empty house. That will teach you, Martha Long! You couldn’t wait to get them out the door. I thought it was a bleedin great idea at first, having the kids away for the weekend. Now I’m left with an empty nest. They are gone off camping with the Scouts and Guides. I wonder how they’re getting on? Let’s hope it doesn’t rain! Still, they will be able to spend the night in the youth hostel. Jaysus! The excitement was mighty, and the amount of stuff they took! Bloody hell! I’m sure they didn’t need a quarter of it. Still, if it keeps them happy. But I did try putting half of it back. ‘No! It’s on the list,’ the little man kept ordering. ‘Please put it back,’ he would say, looking up from his list while the sister did the fussing and packing and … Oh, gawd! Yeah! Maybe the quiet is better after all.
Right! Where’s that list of things need doing? On second thoughts forget the list. Take advantage of the freedom, Martha. Right! Do what? Go where? Ring Vivienne! You owe her a lunch! No! Maybe another time. I’m not in the mood.
I picked up the book again, thinking, I’m sure there’s a pile of ironing waiting to be done. Forget it, no chance! I flicked back to my page, reading, then slammed it back on the table. I watched it clatter to the floor then stared down at it. Tut, tut – very bad! I’m usually careful with books if they are well written, but that’s a load of rubbish! I used to think that fella could write, but these days …
Suddenly the feeling in me belly grew. There was something I really wanted to do, but I wouldn’t even let the thought surface. Now it was coming anyway. Ring the ma! See how she is. Go on! Too much time has passed. You had your say. You left her high and dry with the funeral. You let her have the full whack of your wrath, now you know where you stand with each other. Go on! Find out what’s she up to. You never know! She might have changed. Maybe she’s a bit more human now. You might even be able to have a conversation with her. No! What if she doesn’t want to talk to me? Then your illusions will be gone. What illusions? I don’t know. Maybe we will, eh? Ah, go on! You know you want to. Give her a ring!
I suddenly stood up and grabbed for the phone. I searched my finger up and down the little phone book, having the book already open at the page. My finger landed on the name and phone number. I stared for a minute, then dialled the number, feeling my heart start to race, while me mind went blank. I listened to it ring out, then a familiar little voice said, ‘Hello!’
I said nothing for a minute, holding my breath, listening to that sound, but my voice wouldn’t come. Then I croaked, ‘Hello!’
Cough. ‘Hello!’ I tried to say in a firmer, more matter-of-fact voice. It came out in a high-pitched squeak. ‘Ma!’ Pause. ‘It’s me!’ Pause. ‘Martha!’ I said, making it sound like a threat coming from a rumble in my belly!
There was an almighty silence on the other end. I could hear the shock of lightning rattling itself right through her, shaking the life force out of her. Now it hung deadly quiet in the silence. It sounded like just before the next roll of roaring thunderclaps. I listened, holding my breath. She’s going to hang up. She’s not going to speak to me. Too much has happened, too much time has passed – three years is a long time!
‘Ma!’ I suddenly said quietly but firmly. ‘Don’t hang up! Please don’t hang up, because if you do, I will never ring again. I just want to say something.’
‘I’m listenin,’ the voice said, speaking quietly and coldly, just as firmly as I had.
‘Ma! I think it is time we met up and had a talk. We can do that. It won’t cost us anything. You have nothing to lose and neither do I. But I think it is a good idea.’
‘When?’ she said. ‘When are you thinkin? You can come over in a couple of hours, just give me a bit of time.’
‘Say …’ I said, looking through the door into the dining room, seeing the big old clock ticking away on a marble fireplace. ‘I’ll be over around twelve, will that suit you?’
‘Yeah. Goodbye.’ Then she hung up.
I held the phone, hearing the dialling tone, then put it slowly down, resting it gently in its cradle. So! I’m going to meet her! I thought about this for a minute, then flew to get meself ready. I hope she doesn’t change her mind and not answer the door, or rush off out somewhere seeing as she knows when to expect me. Well, if she does, so let her. As you told her, you have nothing to lose.
I turned the car into the old familiar flats. There was a different air about the place. It looked quieter somehow, and my eyes took in the long line of good cars. I pulled into a parking space where I could see up to the ma’s kitchen window, then got out, slamming the door and locking it, letting my eyes scan along the block of flats. Get a load of that! Some of them have plants sitting on their window, if you wouldn’t be minding. Oh, happy days! A bit of prosperity has come at long last. Then me eyes peeled up to the ma’s. She has a bowl of plastic-looking roses sitting in the window! And new frilly net curtains looking very white. Jesus, Ma, things have changed for the better by the looks of it, I thought, then made for the stairs, holding a box of Dairy Milk chocolates under my arm – they were wrapped in a brown-paper bag.
I hit the ma’s landing, seeing her waiting outside, looking over the balcony with the door wide open.
‘There ye are! I was watchin out for ye. Ye’re here!’ she said, giving me a half-smile with her eyes lit up at the sight of me. She was a bit nervous, I could see. So am I! I would prefer this not to go wrong.
‘Come on! Come on in,’ she said, rushing ahead to hold the door, then shut it behind us. ‘Did ye not bring the childre, Martha?’ she said, looking disappointed, with her voice sounding the loss.
‘No, they’re away camping, Ma,’ I said, thinking that is the last thing I would do.
‘How are they? Gawd, they must be gettin very big be now?’
‘Yeah, Ma. They won’t let me wipe their snots any more!’
She laughed, saying, ‘Come on, come inta the kitchen. Are ye hungry, Martha? I made us a bit a dinner.’
‘You did, Ma?’ I said, getting more than surprised with the shock! She cooked for me? Offering me something to eat and even waiting with the door open! Gawd, it looks like she is happy to see me.
I cleaned the plate, putting down my knife and fork, then licked my lips, looking at the empty plate. ‘Gawd, Ma, that was lovely! Did you cook that yourself?’
‘Of course I did!’ she laughed, delighted I had enjoyed the fried fish with the mash potatoes and chopped-up raw scallions with a load of butter mashed through it. The carrots were cooked lovely and soft, with a really nice sweet taste to them.
‘What did you put over the carrots, Ma?’
‘Oh, them!’ she said, looking and laughing. ‘Orange juice stuff. Me an Dinah has tha. We saw them doin it on the television. Ye know, we do watch them cookin programmes. Dinah likes te try out the easy stuff.’
‘Really, Ma? You’re experimenting with the cooking, getting it all from the TV?’
‘Oh, yeah! There does be lovely stuff they show ye how te cook!’ she said, closing her eyes and nodding her head up and down.
I stared at her, seeing the massive difference. ‘Gawd, Ma, you look great!’ I said. ‘You got your hair cut! And even dyed?’ I said, looking at the light wispy hair framing her forehead and cut around her face in what looks like a long bob. It really suits her! I stared at the lovely cream blouse she was wearing with the lace collar, then down at the light grey skirt with a grey matching belt. She was even wearing nylons – well, tights, I suppose – and they
stayed up on her.
‘So, how have ye been, Martha? How are the kids gettin on? Would ye bring them this for me?’ she said, getting up suddenly and rushing off down the hall, making for a bedroom. I could hear her grunting, sounding like she was stretching up for something, then the muffled sound of a thud as she jumped down. She must have been standing on a chair, probably getting up to reach inside the top of a wardrobe. Then I heard her coming fast up the hall.
‘Here, Martha! Take these fer the kids,’ she said, handing me a carrier bag from a big store.
I took the bag off her, looking in at the packages. They were all wrapped in Christmas paper. ‘What’s this, Ma?’ I lifted me head, looking up at her in shock, trying to figure out why she had these for me.
‘They’re a few presents I bought fer the kids, an there’s one in there fer yerself. Tha’s the little one,’ she said, pointing at the bottom of the bag I was still holding open, with me mouth not able to close. ‘Ye can open them if ye want. It’s a toy car – is he still playin wit them, Martha? I didn’t know wha he would like at the time, but it’s a good one. It runs by itself! It has a little box tha ye press. Now, I asked them in the shop at the time. They gave me the batteries an all, so it should be all right. I got the little one a Barbie doll; it’s in a box. Now, there’s a separate one wit all the stuff tha goes wit the doll. Then she has a white little dolly wardrobe to put the clothes in, Martha. I hope she likes it! Do ye think she will, Martha?’ me ma said, creasing her face, staring at me with a worried look on her face.
‘Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah, Ma. She loves them. She will go mad for that,’ I said, nearly losing my voice. I just couldn’t believe she was thinking about them.
‘An as I said, there’s one fer you. Go on! Here, let me get it fer ye,’ she said, making a dive for the bag and shoving her head down.
‘There ye are, that’s fer you, Martha,’ she said, handing me a little package that looked like a tiny box.
I opened it, saying, ‘What is it, Ma?’
‘Open it, go on! I’m waitin to see if ye like them!’ she shouted, laughing at me and pointing at the box.
I opened the box, seeing a pair of pearl earrings. ‘Oh, Ma! These are beautiful! Jesus, Ma, they came out of a jeweller’s. They must have cost an arm and a leg!’
‘Yeah, they were dear all right,’ she said, staring at them, looking like she was thinking. ‘Go on! Put them in an see wha ye look like.’
I pulled out the gold studs I’ve had in my ears since I was eighteen – a hundred years ago, I thought – and put in the pearls. They were a very pale pink, with gold backs. I always wanted pearls, but someone said it was bad luck to buy them for yourself. I didn’t believe that rubbish and bought meself a pair anyway. Now I have these, they mean more to me. I can give the old ones to my daughter.
‘Ohh! They look lovely. Come on down te the bedroom an take a look in the long wardrobe mirror,’ she said, going ahead then waiting for me.
‘Ma, they’re lovely,’ I said, seeing the classy look they gave to my face.
‘Yeah! They suit you,’ me ma said, standing back to examine me, keeping her eyes staring at my face.
‘When did you get these Christmas presents, Ma?’
‘Oh, they’re there a few year now, Martha. I got them about two year ago, then when you never did show up Dinah said to leave them. You may turn up one day. They can sit there an wait for ye,’ she said, looking at me with a sadness of great loss in her eyes, letting her voice drop.
I could feel my eyes suddenly burn and me chest swell up, then the tears rolled down me cheeks.
‘Wha’s wrong wit ye?’ she said, seeing me turn my head, trying to wipe away the tears. ‘Are ye all right? Wha’s wrong wit ye?’ she said, coming up behind me and leaning her head over me shoulder.
‘I’m sorry, Ma,’ I mumbled, trying to look at her. ‘I said terrible things to you!’ I whispered, suddenly getting the pain of how I must have hurt her.
‘Ahh! Forget all about tha. Sure, we all say things. I was wrong meself,’ she said. ‘I didn’t hold tha against you, Martha. You were right,’ she whispered. ‘You were right all along! I knew tha even at the time. I’m sorry. You were always very good te me. You were the last person I shoulda turned on, but I did,’ she said, dropping her head, staring at the carpet.
Then the pair of us went quiet. ‘Ma,’ I said, looking at her.
‘Wha?’ she said, looking like she was thinking. Then she spoke quietly, looking at me with a sad, worried and even fearful look in her eyes as she let them stare at me. ‘Can we let bygones be bygones?’ she whispered, saying it slowly as she stared at me with a pained look in her eyes.
‘Yeah,’ I whispered, realising I had waited a lifetime for this moment. I had me ma back. ‘Oh, Ma!’ I said, putting my arms around her neck.
‘Blood is thicker than water, Martha, no matter wha anyone says,’ she said quietly. ‘I lost me way. Me mind was never me own after I had you,’ she whispered, lifting her eyes to rest them in the distance.
‘Why, Ma?’ I said. ‘What happened?’
‘Come on. Let’s go in an get ourselves a cup a tea,’ she said.
‘Good idea,’ I said, following her into the kitchen. I knew she might talk to me now.
‘Here! Do ye want a few a them cream crackers?’ she said, after pouring out the tea and I was putting sugar in mine. ‘Come on, they’re lovely, have some. I’ll put a bit of butter on them, an ye can even put a lump a hard cheese on top. I like the hard stuff; it has the taste. Tha aul sliced stuff ye get tastes an looks like plastic. I don’t like them at all,’ she said, grabbing the packet of crackers and tearing the paper down the side to get at them. ‘Ye can even have some a them salted ones. Here, taste! They’re lovely,’ she said, shoving a little yellow biscuit into my mouth.
I laughed, gripping it between my teeth. ‘Hmm, yeah! I haven’t had these Ritz ones in years, Ma.’
‘You go on, have this plate,’ she said, handing me a white side plate with four cream crackers and a lump of cheese. ‘Here, take the knife an cut the cheese up,’ she said, pointing at it.
‘Not at all, Ma. I’ll just slap it between the crackers,’ then lit into it. She was right, the lump stuck up in the middle and I bit into it, opening me mouth wide, trying to get at the two of them stuck together, then started to choke.
‘Take it easy!’ she said, banging the back off me as crackers flew in all directions.
‘Jaysus, Ma, give us a drink,’ I croaked, grabbing at her tea. Mine was all gone.
‘Are ye all right now?’ she said, looking and laughing at me.
‘Yeah,’ I gasped, ‘they were too dry.’
‘Come on! Let’s take the tea inta the sittin room. We can take our ease in there,’ she said, going ahead with me at her heels.
I pulled over the big oak coffee table sitting in the middle of the room, bringing it in closer to the sofa, and rested down the plate.
‘These are lovely,’ she said, with the two of us looking at each other as we munched our way through the biscuits.
I lit up a smoke and sat back, saying, ‘Tell us, Ma, what happened to you when you had me?’
Her face changed, then she dropped her eyes, staring at the rug under the coffee table. ‘I better tell you this, Martha. It’s been goin around in me head fer most a me life nearly. Wha happened te me came as a terrible shock. I was only fifteen at the time. Me mother an father was dead, an everyone had taken the boat te England. Me an the sister was the only ones left. Then when I was fourteen they came an got me; they brought me over. I was nearly the last a them. Ye see, the way it worked was this, Martha. The first one te get the money an make their way te England got themself a job, a place to stay, then saved wha they could. Then, when they got enough saved fer the ticket, they sent on the money fer the next one te come over. So, be the time they arrived, there was a bed waitin for them an a job to go straight inta. Then it went down the line – the next one savin to bring over the one after th
em. Till my turn arrived.
‘I was livin in digs wit some a them; the others had moved on be this time. Well, a fella, I won’t say no more, but I knew him well, only too well, Martha!’ she said, looking up at me with a bitter look in her eyes. ‘Anyway! He got his hands on me. He was drunk at the time. I was dragged up a laneway an left there. Afterwards, I was found screamin me head off; I went inta terrible shock. But worse was te come! I knew nothin about nothin at the time. None of us young ones did. Ye didn’t know anythin till ye got yerself married, then ye found out quick enough. But anyway, just before I was even sixteen at the time, one a them suddenly brought me back here. Back to me home in the Liberties.
‘Then one Sunday evenin the pains started. Nobody knew, or if they did they didn’t let on te me. I was none the wiser wha was happenin te me. By the next day, you came inta the world an I went inta terrible shock. The place erupted in murder. Me sisters an brothers – they all arrived over on the next boat te find out wha was goin on. I didn’t know wha was goin on meself! I just kept lookin at you, seein ye lyin contented in yer box – the one Nelly pulled out from the chest a drawers. You were lyin in tha on the kitchen table; it was pushed in at the end a the big double bed, the one an only bed we had. Me an Nelly used te sleep in tha. Well, anyway, there they all were lookin from me te you, wantin to know how tha happened. I had be now had me suspicions! It was somethin tha fella did te me back all them months ago over in England! I was still not over tha, an now I was left lookin at you.
‘After all tha pain, an then you suddenly appearin – I was all in a fog! Me mind just shut down. It wouldn’t work, Martha. Here I was, barely just turned sixteen, an everyone is shoutin at me, “Who is the father?” Sure, how would I know? I mean, he bleedin didn’t leave me wit his callin card, did he?’ she said, leaning towards me with her eyes hanging out, looking very annoyed.