“Are you telling me that Cameron was a mistake? He didn’t choose to leave you, Grace. He died!” I couldn’t control the anger anymore. The person I was scared to become leaked out through my words, not caring what kind of damage it resulted in.
“Exactly Jhett! He died. Meaning he’s never coming back. And you know exactly why he’s gone. Because you were a drunk asshole that couldn’t hold it together, and you needed your best friend to come save you from getting into any more trouble than you were already in. So it’s your fault, Jhett. You called him to pick you up, and you knew he would come because he always had your back. So please forgive me, because maybe I am a little bitter that you get to be the one who’s happy and in love, and for no reason other than because my boyfriend died and she happened to be his sister that you promised to look out for. Hell - that’s the only reason you even got to meet her, isn’t it? How is that fair? I didn’t even get to tell him that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him before you ripped him away from me and yet because of that, you get the whole damn fairytale. You don’t deserve to be in love, because it’s your fault you took my love away from me.” Her chest heaved up and down as tears stained her cheeks.
It all started to make sense. The reason why Gracie struggled so much was because she blamed me for Cameron’s death. I was being selfish, because I knew that if I told Charlie, she would blame me too. All the self-hatred and guilt I shoved away for so long came back to me. I was frozen in place as I watched Gracie run back into the restaurant and right past Hannah and Charlie, who stared at me with eyes so full of hurt and betrayal, I almost wished it was me who died that day instead of Cameron.
They didn’t realize that we stood there and listened while Ginger spat all of Jhett’s secrets in his face. I couldn’t will my body to turn around and just walk away…I needed to hear what made her so angry, that she would say such hateful things to me in front of so many people like that. But I was never prepared for the words that came out of her mouth. Everything in my stomach threatened to come back up my throat. I couldn’t think clearly. I tried to comprehend all the details that began to fill in the blank spots around Cameron’s accident.
It’s your fault, Jhett. I wouldn’t believe those words on any other occasion. But as Jhett stood there only a few feet away from me, I could see the sorrow written all over his face. He knew that I discovered his deepest, darkest secret; Cameron was in the car the night of his accident because of him. Not even ten minutes ago I was utterly and completely amazed at the depth of love he had for me, and the whole time he was keeping secrets from me.
Jhett was the first to move and approach us. “Charlie, I’m so sorry. I was going to tell you, I promise. That night you fell asleep at my house I tried, I really did - but I was so scared that it would shatter you even more, and I already couldn’t stand to look into those broken eyes of yours. I promised Cameron I would look after you, and I couldn’t do that if you hated me and -”
Hannah cut him off. “I think you should just stop. I’m not going to let you stand there and hurt my best friend. Save it for another day, buddy.” She stepped between Jhett and I as she tried to defend me, as usual.
“Go back inside, Hannah.” I reached out and shoved past her, putting myself face-to-face with Jhett.
“But I -“ she protested.
“I said, go back inside. I can handle this on my own.” It wasn’t like me to be so harsh with her, but I didn’t feel like myself. I heard the door close behind me as Jhett and I stood in a Mexican standoff. When I knew we were alone, I let everything I felt spill out.
“That’s what this is all about, isn’t it? You keeping a promise to my dead twin brother? Where did that get you, huh? Is everything you told me a lie, or is it just bits and pieces of the past two months together? Did you really want to get to know me after you first saw me, or was it just the promise you made with Cameron that kept you around? I can’t believe you! I thought I pegged all wrong, but I didn’t. You were just using me to try and make yourself feel better about all the guilt you carried on your shoulders.” I was no longer just upset. I was downright fuming.
Jhett grabbed my hand, pulling me into his chest like he did so many times before. Only this time his touch disgusted me. “Don’t touch me!” I yanked my arm free from his grasp and took a few unsteady steps backwards. I looked into his eyes one last time; all the love that I felt in them was fading fast. I took a deep breath and tried to pull myself together, slamming into his chest with my shoulder, and raced past him in an attempt to get to the driver’s side of my Jeep faster than he could.
“Just give me a chance to explain,” he pleaded with me, as I got into the front seat and found the keys I left in the glove compartment. “You don’t know how it feels to live with that kind of guilt. But then you walked into the bar and you were even more amazing than Cameron ever explained, and I didn’t want to lose that, Charlie. I couldn’t lose you when I only just found you.” I stared straight ahead, my own heart tearing in two. Not only had I lost my brother, I now had to let go of the man I had fallen deeply in love with. My heart was raw with loss all over again.
My clenched fist rested on my legs and I let the keys dangle in my fingers. Finally, I returned his gaze. “The sad thing is Jhett, I probably would have forgiven you if you’d just told me yourself. If I’ve learned anything recently, it’s that most things happen for a reason. I don’t think it’s your fault that Cameron got into that accident. You weren’t the one driving the other vehicle. But it is your fault that you didn’t think enough of me to tell me the whole story, even when you knew how badly I wanted to know it. I let you in. I took a chance on you, and you didn’t even have the nerve to be honest with me. That’s what people do when they love each other, Jhett. They tell each other the truth.” I turned the keys in the ignition, choking back tears with the realization of what I needed to do. I threw the Jeep in reverse and then drove straight out of the parking lot and onto the main street, my tires squealing as I rounded the corner.
As soon as Jhett was out of sight, I gave in to the mountain of tears that built up behind my eyes. I knew I had a few minutes to let it out while I waited for the left turn arrow to change at the stoplight in front of the restaurant. Neon green finally lit up the night before me. Pressing my foot lightly on the gas pedal, I turned the wheel to the left, but something in the corner of my eye caught my attention.
For just a moment, I could have sworn that I saw Cameron standing on the corner of the street, smiling at me as he glowed in the moonlight. He watched me as he stepped off the sidewalk and into the street, before the blinding white headlights of an oncoming car drowned him out. Terror consumed my body and I reflexively slammed my foot down on the brakes, screaming out Cameron’s name as the car went right through him and instead, barreled straight in my direction.
My whole world crumbled around me. I was acutely aware of what happened, but had no control to stop it. Each one of my body parts jerked in a different direction while the sound of broken glass and crunching metal filled my ears. I couldn’t see anything; my vision was once again filled with the blinding white light I saw just moments before. I braced myself for the crushing pain again, ready for my limbs to snap from my body, but it never came. Instead, a warm rush of liquid pulsed through my body and the flash of light engulfed me, leaving me to float in the warmth of it in peace.
I failed. I promised to take care of her, and I failed her. Not only by leaving out the most important parts of Cameron’s accident, but by letting her get hurt. I let her get into the Jeep and drive away when I knew she was upset. I made it through the restaurant just in time to meet her at the intersection, but she never saw me standing there. She never heard me screaming her name, and she wasn’t conscious when I tried to get her out of the mangled metal that surrounded her. I couldn’t get to her. There were arms around me dragging me back as I watched the EMTs pry her practically lifeless body from the yellow cage that trapped her inside.
Toni
ght was my punishment. It was my living hell. Anything that happened now, I deserved. The florescent lights of the hospital didn’t let me forget where I was and the reason I was there. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there on the sterile green plastic chair. I refused to acknowledge anyone but the doctor who ushered Hannah and I into the family waiting room.
I knew Hannah was just as torn up inside as I was, but I couldn’t be that strong person she needed when I was already so broken myself. There was nothing left inside me but the tiny flicker of hope that Charlie would be okay. It didn’t matter anymore if she wanted me or not – I just had to know she was going to be okay.
I already memorized the intricate lines that spread across the speckled floor tiles when Hannah finally spoke; her was voice just as tired and broken as I was. “You know, she’s a fighter. She’ll be okay. She’s going to walk away from this.” Her voice was hushed, as if she didn’t believe her own words.
I looked up at her through my arms that rested on my knees. “She wouldn’t have to fight if it wasn’t for me. I’m the reason she’s laying on a bed somewhere fighting for her life.” I snapped at her. Hannah recoiled and adjusted her position on the seat next to me so she was as far away as possible. I knew it was only seconds before the tears returned to her eyes. My hand went to the back of my neck, rubbing it out of frustration with myself. I sighed and draped my arm around her shoulders to bring her back close to me.
That was her cue to let go. All her fears and worries drained from her eyes, and she clung to my shirt like a helpless child. It was then that I did something I hadn’t done in years. I cried, too. The guilt of the entire situation was just too much for me to handle. I was always taught that a real man didn’t cry, but I now knew that wasn’t true. A real man worried enough about the woman he loved to cry for her.
“You know her parents are going to be here tomorrow, right? I already talked to them on the phone, and I don’t think they’re going to be too pleased with you being around when they get here,” Hannah said as she sat up; wiping the tears from under her eyes and resting her head on my shoulder.
I leaned back, rubbed my face on my sleeve to rid my cheeks of the wetness that still lingered, and took a moment to think that far into the future. For me, tomorrow was a thousand years away. “The thing is, I’m going to be here until they kick me out. I’m not leaving until I know she’s going to be okay. Then if she wants me to go, I’ll go.” The painful truth of reality stung me down to my core. She was leaving me when she left the parking lot. She was ready to say goodbye, and that meant she might still feel the same way when she saw me again.
“Mr. Hudson? Miss James?” A man in a white coat, whose face I didn’t recognize, stepped out into the waiting room through the double doors in front of us. Both Hannah and I jumped out of our seats without any hesitation. The doctor shook our hands. “I’m Dr. Miller. I’ve been the attending surgeon working on Charlotte. We finally got her in stable condition, and she’s recovering in her room. She’s lost a lot of blood and suffered a few broken bones, so she’s in a highly sedated state right now. I’ve spoken with her parents and they gave you both permission to see her; however, there’s only one visitor allowed back at a time.” He paused to gauge our reactions.
Hannah and I looked at each other with confused expressions. I couldn’t understand why Charlie’s parents would give me permission to see her, especially after what happened between them. But whatever the reason was, it didn’t matter right now.
Dr. Miller apparently wasn’t a man who liked to be kept waiting. “Miss James, why don’t you go first? One of the nurses will escort you back.” He made the decision for us. I watched as jealousy raged inside me while Hannah walked with a nurse and vanished behind the double doors – the doors that kept me from being with Charlie.
“Why don’t you sit down, Mr. Hudson. There’s something we should talk about before you see her.” The pain that laced the doctor’s voice was enough to cause every fear I had about Charlie to bubble to the surface. I knew I wasn’t prepared for whatever he was about to tell me.
No matter how hard I fought, I couldn’t get to him. I could no longer count the number of times I was stuck in the same dream over and over again. My limbs refused to work, and he stood just out of my reach. I remember seeing Cameron step off the curb, but he looked as if he didn’t have a scratch on him. Now he stood before me, fading in and out of the white light. He refused to speak, but I knew that he heard me crying out for him. If I could just get to him, maybe I could save him. When I was finally able to take control of my arm and reach out for him, he was gone before I faded back into darkness.
“She’s going to be okay. The doctors told us it could take a few days before we’ll be able to see any improvements.” I knew the man’s voice. I struggled to open my eyes and see my dad for myself, but I couldn’t. Just like in my dream, my body refused to cooperate.
“It’s been almost a week. Something’s not right, I can feel it,” a woman’s voice responded. Was that my mother? And was she worried about me? The sound of muffled sobs filled the room. “I can’t lose her, too, Michael. I won’t let it happen.”
I’m right here. I’m okay. Please just let me open my eyes. I’m going to be fine. Just let me get up – I can show you.
I tried to speak, but the only noise I could produce was an inaudible gurgle. I wanted to see my parents. I needed to see someone – anyone – just to make sure I was still alive.
A pain in my side hit me out of nowhere. It was searing hot, and every way I tried to move, I couldn’t escape it. I wanted to cry out, to tell someone to make it stop, but no words came. It took all my strength to force my mind someplace else and away from the pain. I focused on the first thing that came into my head...a memory of Jhett and I standing together on the beach while we watched the sunset. But with that memory came a whole new type of pain.
The white light appeared again and forced its warmth onto me once more. I allowed it to suck me in without a fight. I wanted to feel the numbness of nothing again. This time, I welcomed it.
I paced the waiting room; the white walls and tiled floor became my new home over the last week. I stayed true to my word – I wasn’t leaving until someone made me. I only went home to shower and eat. I was lucky to be able to stomach any food before I was sick again. But even that was at the urging of Charlie’s dad, Michael, who was surprisingly welcoming given the current situation. Mrs. Jennings, on the other hand, was the complete opposite. She refused to even acknowledge my presence, often relaying messages to me through Charlie’s dad.
Despite the stories that Cameron and Charlie both told me about their parents, it was clear that they loved their children. There was no blame placed on anyone in particular, even though the guilt I experienced was enough to drive me to drink. They usually kept to themselves, but I did have a few rare, hushed conversations with Charlie’s dad. Mrs. Jennings only left her bedside when I entered the room. There were a few occasions when she lingered in the background, but I didn’t care. Any extra time I got to sit with Charlie was worth the hate she burned into my back. I knew she didn’t trust me – but it was probably within good reason.
Hannah left a few days earlier. I was the one who drove her to the airport and listened to her cry the entire ride there. I knew she didn’t want to leave her friend, but there wasn’t anything else she could do except wait in the wings with me. It was bittersweet to say goodbye to her. I finally knew why Charlie kept her around, because despite her crazy nature, she had a kind heart. She loved Charlie like a sister, and regretted saying goodbye to her when she didn’t know if she’d ever get the chance to say hello again.
Charlie’s parents appeared in her doorway and made their way into the hall. It took a few strides to approach them before I stopped in front of her dad. Her mom continued down the hall, careful to never bat an eyelash in my direction.
“We’re going to go downstairs and get some lunch. Why don’t you keep Charlotte company while we’r
e gone for a few hours?” He extended his hand out for me to shake.
I gripped it firmly as I looked into his eyes. “I would love to. Thank you, sir.” He let go and turned to follow his wife. I watched to make sure they were gone, but he only moved a few feet before he turned back around. “And son, don’t forget. If she wakes up, please let us know.” He gave me a hard nod and finally continued down the length of the hallway, before disappearing down one of the stairwells.
It was my first chance to see Charlie all day. Mrs. Jennings seemed to enjoy keeping me on a once-a-day schedule, but I didn’t let it faze me. I still stuck around as long as they let me. Reaching her door, I pushed it open, careful not to let the hinges make too much noise. The only way to rationalize my fears was to act like she just sleeping.
I found my usual seat already pulled up next to her bed. As I sat down, my eyes wandered over her frail form while I did my daily mental inspection. Each day she seemed to look better, but she still didn’t look like the glowing Charlie I knew and loved. Her bruises were turning yellow and green, and she no longer needed a tube down her throat to breathe for her. Her right arm was in a cast up to her elbow – a pink one that made me wonder who picked it out, since I knew yellow was her favorite color. At least she always looked peaceful. I don’t think I could have handled watching her suffer in pain.
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