by Mj Fields
“Other options?” I clench my fists, hoping my nails pushing into my skin will make me less explosive.
“Yeah. Told you I wanted to fuck you.” He yawns, which further irritates me. “Told you I’d only fuck you, and you lost your mind. Find it and climb in, or shut it down, Sonya. I need some sleep.”
“So you’re telling me, if I don’t fuck you, you’d just take—” I stop immediately when he springs up out of bed and starts storming at me.
I can’t move as he swoops me up, too shocked to fight. He marches into the bedroom and drops me on the bed. As he leans over me, the intensity in his eyes scares me and warms me at the same time. The closer he comes, the more I retreat until I am lying on the bed.
He sighs, closing his eyes. His head dips and his forehead touches mine, his hair falling in my face.
“I’m in a bad place right now, but there is no fucking reason for you to look at me like I’m terrifying you.”
“But you are,” I whisper.
He groans, pushes himself up, and rolls to his side. “I need sleep, Sonya. I need sleep and peace. Give me at least one of those things, and I won’t ask for anything else.”
My heart is beating against my chest. I’m sure it’s going to tear through it. I hold my hand over it, making sure it doesn’t happen.
He rolls over so he can get under the covers, and I look over once he’s settled to see he is looking at me as if waiting for an answer.
When I can’t give him one, he lies back.
“I’m sorry I stole your sucker.”
I shake my head. “Sleep, Finn.”
He yawns again. “Will I wake up to another battle?”
“No,” I answer.
“Thank you.”
After a few silent moments, I dare to look over. His face rests peacefully against the stark white pillowcase; his long, thick, jet-black lashes fan under his eyes exquisitely; and his hair is in his eyes.
My finger aches to push it away; my lips beg to kiss the tightly trimmed beard covering his cheek. My heart hurts because I want so badly to hold him against my chest and apologize while soothing my need to hold something close and tight like I used to with Noah.
I know better than to act, though. I know better than to allow myself to feel drawn to him. It can only end badly, but I can’t stop. It won’t go away. He won’t let it.
I was so stupid for coming here, so stupid for agreeing to this, wanting this.
I know enough through the journal to know he is like two different men. Her dark and her light. As confusing as her ramblings were, I could now understand better.
I give in to temptation and push the hair off his face, and he lets out a deep breath then takes in a slow one. I kiss my finger and toy with the idea of touching it to his plump pink lips, like I did to Noah before I fell asleep each night while he lay sleeping peacefully asleep.
I slowly reach forward and test the waters. I place my finger lightly against his lower lip, and he sighs, his breath warming my skin. I wait to see if I went too far, if he wakes. When he doesn’t, I rub across it lightly.
Paying no attention to anything but his eyes, my finger, and his lip, I don’t notice the hand that now is holding mine until it’s too late to pull it away. Then he rolls to his back, still holding my hand.
I follow the motion to avoid waking him, and he places it against his heart, which beats slowly against my hand. With the steady rhythm, with the knowledge that, if I pull away, there is a chance I will wake him, I make the decision to stay still and wait him out until he moves again, regardless of how much time it takes.
I wake to something rubbing my back and the scent that is Finn. My head rests on his chest, his heart beating much too fast for me to think he is asleep. My leg is wrapped around him, and something hard is pressing against it.
Dear God, what have I done? I think to myself as he lets out a deep breath.
“You’re tensing up on me. You must finally be awake.”
I open my eyes, knowing I can’t hide it any longer.
“Can you fall back asleep and pretend this didn’t happen?” I try to move, but he holds me more tightly.
“Even when we sleep, there is something magnetic between us. I propose we talk about this like adults.”
“Are you still sorry about stealing my sucker?” I ask.
He chuckles. “No.”
I drag my leg off him, and he groans when it rubs against his erection. When I sit up and look at him, his eyes are closed and his jaw muscles tight.
“Do you still think I’m mentally ill?”
He shrugs. “You clearly have some issues, but don’t we all?”
The whisper-soft, gravely way he says it is not meant to antagonize me. His eyes open, clear of muck and redness.
I nod.
“I’m sober right now, Sonya. I won’t hate you regardless of the answer you give, but we do this or we don’t.”
I shrug.
“I should also point out that I am sober and my dick is not only hard but aching, too.”
I laugh, and he smiles.
“You said on two occasions to tell you when I’m sober and—”
“I know I did.” I nod, then shake my head.
“Stop overthinking this and—”
“There are some things you should know,” I start.
“The past?”
I nod, confirming, as tears build in my throat.
“Look.” He sits up and takes my hands. I know he’s trying not to grip too hard, trying not to scare me. Guilt rushes over me and spills out one tear at a time.
He lets go of my hand and brushes his calloused thumb across my cheek. “The first time I saw you, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to fuck you or …” He pauses. “Well, you know the rest. It was like my past and future collided and there could be nothing in between. I don’t want that.
“I’m sure you’ve done your research. I’m sure my past scares the hell out of you, but what I can tell you—and it’s your choice to believe me or not—but I am not who I was. I am not who I have been. If I tell you I want you, I sure as fuck do. I’m not trying to get you in my bed by saying it, and I don’t want to get so caught up in trying not to feel that I stop completely.
“Look at me, Sonya.” I do as he asks. “My past is my past. My future is unknown. But right here, right now, I can tell you again, if you’re under me, no one else is.”
“But my past—”
“Don’t give a damn,” he says, wiping away more tears. “You tasted too fucking good the other night, and I’ve been trying to escape it since. Waking up with you right now felt good. It’s the only peace I’ve felt in a long time. You have me tied up, twisted, and running for the fucking hills, babe, and I need to be present. I’ve worked too hard to stand where I am today and feel like I’m just going to fuck it up. Past be dammed, I made it. Me fighting you, trying to get you to do the same, isn’t doing me or you a bit of good.” He lifts my chin, then bows his head and closes his eyes as if saying a prayer. “Which will it be?”
“I don’t want to kill you,” I whisper as his lips inch closer to mine. “I don’t want the past to ruin the here and now, either, but—”
“Fucking perfect,” he says, right before his lips press against mine.
I press my lips to his harder.
Past be damned, future be damned. I want Finn Beckett in a way I have for four years, and right now, in the here and now, I can have him.
His tongue caresses mine as his hands take my face, one on each side of my head. He angles it so I am leaning back, opening wider for him. His tongue rushes up my tongue then slowly down, and he groans, pulling away.
I open my eyes and they meet his. Nothing is hidden by muck or a mask; all I see is desire in layers of want.
“That fucking taste,” he growls as he moves my head again and goes for my neck. “Here, too. Fuck.” He flips me on my back effortlessly and holds himself above me, looking at me, searching for something. “Everywhere.”
His eyes grow hungrier as he uses one hand to push my long-sleeved T-shirt up as he kisses his way to my bra. Then he pulls the cup down, and my nipples ache even worse when the breeze from the ceiling fan hits them.
“Ahh,” I cry out.
“I’ve got you.”
His mouth wraps around my nipple as he cups and squeezes my breast in his hand. Then I feel his tongue caressing slowly back and forth and around it. He sucks gently then harder and harder until I fist his silky black hair in my hands. The intensity of the pleasure takes me away until I cry out his name.
His knee falls between my legs and the other beside my hip as he continues sucking slowly, gently while I try to regain my breath.
His hand works the front clasp of my bra and it opens, releasing me. When he takes his mouth from my breast, I groan in protest, and his eyes narrow as he looks at my chest while moving so he is kneeling, taking me in appreciatively.
I have never loved my naked body, but the way he looks at me gives me a sense of comfort and security I have never felt before.
I reach up, wanting to touch him, to show him appreciation. However, he captures my hands and lifts them up, his eyes glued to me, mine to his.
He lifts my shirt and tosses it aside, my bra next. Then his long, strong arm wraps around my back, and he pulls me toward him. One hand on my breast, eyes still intensely staring into mine, his other hand now kneads my ass and pulls me against him.
My body sizzles against his; the heat, the electricity is a connection I don’t understand, but I want to so badly. I wrap my arms around him and allow my hands to fall slowly from his shoulders down his muscular biceps and wrap around his waist, holding on tightly as his mouth begins another assault on my breasts.
I wrap my legs around him, seeking friction, wanting it, needing it.
“Tell me you want me,” he growls as he licks at my rock hard nipples, one then the other.
“I want you,” I pant as I arch my back, pushing myself against his mouth with urgency.
“Good damn thing, because there is no way I can be stopped.”
He leans forward, pushing me toward the mattress, one hand supporting my back, the other clasping my ankles together, keeping my legs wrapped around him, and pressing his erection firmly against what I can only imagine to be soaked panties.
His lips are against mine, his tongue tasting me and hand gripping my breast while the other is still cupping my ass, holding it firmly against his hard length as his hips grind against me. The pulse, the pull, the burn is building, and I am so close.
I whimper as he kisses up my jaw.
“Let go, Sonya. Come for me.”
“Together,” I cry out.
“I’ll get mine. We’ll do it together, but this one is you, all you. You and I sober and still unable to deny”—he thrusts hard against me, and I can’t deny a damn thing, not even if I wanted to—“us.”
I come apart.
He pulls his face away from mine, and I grip his bare, beautiful ass as I cry out his name.
When the electrical currents running through me slow down to a perfectly sweet pulsing, I open my eyes to see him watching me.
He shakes his head slowly. “Don’t be embarrassed.” His thumb rubs across my lower lip, and I open my mouth to give it a slow taste.
“Fuck,” he says, his eyes rolling slightly.
“Fuck,” I whisper.
He pulls away, grumbling as he does. “Don’t you even think about moving,” he says as he grabs his jeans, reaches in the pocket, and mumbles under his breath. Then reaches in the other side.
I pull the blanket up, and his head whips up to look at me, shaking.
“Drop it.”
I feel my eyes widen and start to do as he asks.
He starts shaking his jeans upside down like a crazed man.
“Our bags out there?” He points to the door.
“No, the band was—”
“You have got to be fucking kidding me,” he groans, tossing his jeans before running one hand through his hair. He grips his erection hard and strokes up and down his length once.
“You okay?” I wonder aloud.
He lets out a frustrated groan. “No condom.”
“You’re kidding me, right?” I can’t help giggling. “A band that totes around a literal condom cannon—”
“No, no kidding.” He lets out a deep and not entirely pleased kind of laugh. He walks over and opens the drawer to the nightstand.
“Last I stayed in a hotel, they didn’t have rubbers in drawers; they had Bibles.”
“Maybe they should rethink that.” He shuts the drawer.
“They have a little store—” I begin.
“Room service, hospitality, someone around here has got to have condoms. I mean, it’s a fucking hotel.” He sits on the end of the bed and grabs the phone.
“Finn, please don’t call and ask for condoms. What if they—”
“Fine.” He hangs up the phone and gets up, walks over, grabs his jeans again, and starts to pull them on. He looks up at me as he tucks his big, beautiful cock inside his jeans. “You’ll make it bleed,” he says, walking toward me. I look at him like he’s crazy. “The lip, Sonya. Save it for me to chew on.”
He leans down, grabs the blanket, and throws it off. Then he grabs my ankles and pulls me to the edge of the bed. I plant my feet, worried he may pull me too far.
He leans over my knees then kisses me swiftly on the lips as he grips my knees and pulls them apart. He then kisses my hips before, without warning, he licks me roughly between my legs and stands.
“I need to fuck that tight, little snatch.”
“Should that offend me?” I ask because I’m not sure. Maybe it already has.
“Do you find my tongue offensive?” He winks. “The answer is no, Sonya. I will make damn sure your little snatch is well-prepared and ready before any offending happens.” He reaches down and rubs his finger up and down my slit, and I close my eyes.
“Go. Before I change my mind,” I whimper.
“None of that, understand me?”
I open my eyes and smile. “Hurry up. Understand me?”
“Absolutely.” He walks out, and I lie back, smiling.
Finn Beckett wants me, and he wants me when he’s sober. I force myself to stay, although it was much easier when he was here. I need to stop this, but I can’t. I’m stuck between a rock and Finn Beckett.
Finn Beckett, the man I thought I would become stronger when I faced him. If I could look at the man who made me believe something that wasn’t true, I would be a stronger woman and maybe be able to breathe again.
I sit up and hug my knees. I need to think, but when his scent is still lingering in the air, when I can still feel his hands on me, when I am basking in post-orgasmic bliss, I can’t.
The door opens, and I hear him walk in quickly.
He smiles and sighs when he sees me. “You didn’t move.”
I look down. “No.”
“But …?” he asks as he unbuttons quickly and pulls his shirt off then tosses it. He sits on the edge of the bed, looking at me. “We still good?”
“I think I should tell you—”
“Only thing you need to tell me is ‘wrap it, Beckett, and get in here. I want you.’ ”
I smile and nod once.
“I like it. A nod with conviction.” He tears open the condom, stands, pushes his jeans down, and then caps the head.
I watch intently, never having seen it done before in person. It’s fascinating.
His hand stops, and I look up to see he’s watching me.
“You like to watch?”
“It’s interesting,” I answer honestly when his lip curls up. “Oh, I see, you’re mocking me.”
He takes my hand, brings it to his mouth, and licks from the tip of my finger to the palm of my hand. Immediately, that heat is growing deep inside me again. Then he wraps it around his hard length and strokes up and down.
“Now you
put it on me.” He lies back and puts his hands behind his head. He’s being serious.
“Oh, okay.” I try to put it on by the ring and it slips.
First, there is a snap sound like a rubber band hitting, well … Then, “Easy,” he says through gritted teeth.
“I am so sorry,” I say when I realize what I have done, and then I can’t help laughing.
“You’re kidding me, right?”
I cover my face and shake my head.
“A lesser man would be so fucking offended right now.” He sits up and grabs me, pushing me on the bed and pinning my hands above my head as he wraps himself with the other.
“You certainly are not a lesser man, Finn.” I giggle until I feel him rub his head against me. “Oh,” I whisper as I allow the sensations to come over me.
“No, Sonya, I’m not.”
The confidence he carries in his music was so incredible sexy it brought about an unbelievable need, desire, and want to be closer to him. His confidence now in a bedroom, naked, with his very, very impressive length rubbing between my legs is even more than I can explain.
“I’m gonna make you feel so damn good you won’t ever regret not killing me,” comes out in a very sincere and sexy rumble as he pushes inside of me slowly. “You feel the burn, Sonya? I see it in your amber eyes. So reflective of the heat inside of you,” he groans as he pushes in farther. “So hot inside, so fucking hot, wet, and ready for my cock. You have been for days now.” He pushes in even farther, and I clench around him.
When he starts to watch my eyes intensely, I close them. He bends down and kisses below my ear over and over again. The sweetness in that kiss makes me melt as he pushes in more.
“You feel so damn good, Sonya. So good.” He stills and pulls back a little.
“Don’t,” I plea as I wrap my legs around his back, digging my heels into his ass. “Please don’t stop.”
He groans as he rotates his hips, pushing in again, stretching me wider and causing the burn to spread deeper. His breath becomes ragged and faster. Then he groans against my neck as his mouth opens and slides down my jawline, his lips seeming almost frantic to get to mine.
“More,” I say, letting my knees fall open wider.