While I could see her better in the sunlight at the lake and appreciated her beauty just as much then, something about the dim lighting in the back of this bus gives her skin this irresistible glow and I can feel my resolve slowly slipping. My need to touch her becoming unbearable.
“I think you are extremely attractive.” I say, feeling myself hardening to full attention right here on the spot.
“That's not what I asked.” She swipes her hand through the air. “Do you think I'm hot?” She asks again. “Like the blonde you were kissing the night we left Georgia? That kind of hot.” My mouth falls open at her words.
I didn't realize she had seen us. I hate that she witnessed that. The end of one of many random hookups. I don't want Nora knowing that guy. I'm ashamed of that guy, but weirdly only when it comes to her. Realizing she is still waiting for an answer, I take a deep breath and give her the truth.
“Hotter.” I admit, not able to resist the urge to reach out and touch her bare skin. I skirt my hand across her stomach, flattening my palm as I slide it around to her side.
She takes a shaky inhale and then hits me with those green eyes of hers, eyes that are begging me to take her right here and now. I've seen the look she's giving me. I've seen it on the face of several women but never dreamed I'd be seeing it on hers, though I have to admit, I have let myself envision what it would feel like if I did.
Grabbing the hem of my shirt, she peels it upwards and I have no choice but to comply. I don't have it in me to resist the feeling of her hands against my bare chest as she begins outlining my tattoo with the tip of her index finger the moment my shirt hits the floor. She traces each line, each swirl and stroke before finally looking up to meet my eyes again.
“Killian.” She reaches up and latches her hand around the back of my neck, pulling my face down just inches from hers.
“I want you to kiss me like you kissed her.” She whispers against my mouth.
“I don't want to kiss you like I kissed her.” I whisper back, suddenly grateful that Chet and Kate are out and we are currently in the back of the bus alone. I see the disappointment cross her face and quickly move to recover.
“I want to kiss you like you're you, not someone else.” I whisper, closing the distance between us to press my lips to hers.
I kiss her gently, slowly working my lips against hers as I pull her body flush with mine. I feel her bottom lip quiver as I gently slip my tongue inside her mouth, tasting her for the first time. Her entire body trembles against me and sends my arousal spiraling. I can't ever remember wanting a woman as badly as I want this one right now.
Everything about her is so different from anyone I have ever been with. I find myself craving her and now, holding her like this, tasting her like this, it's almost more than I can fucking bear.
At the risk of Gabe or Aiden walking back here, I slowly back Nora into my bed, breaking away from her mouth to close the curtain once I have her fully inside. Settling in next to her, she immediately turns into my body, her eyes not leaving mine as she slowly trails her hand down my stomach.
I know I need to stop this. I know there is no way I would ever forgive myself if I took advantage of her like this. No matter how badly I want to bury myself inside of her, I will not do it without her being of sound mind and body. I can't.
It takes everything I have to close my hand around hers and stop her downward progression. Fuck me. Of all times to grow a fucking conscious, I have to choose now. It's not like I have never fucked a drunk girl before. Of course, I've always been drunk too and that's a bit different.
I expect her to question my movement, so when she pulls her hand away and wraps her arm around my side, snuggling her face into my chest, I am somewhat surprised. Dropping my face into her hair, I inhale her sweet scent, the smell of vanilla flooding my nostrils. My new favorite scent.
Wrapping my arm around her, I secure her against me, feeling oddly satisfied with the action. I didn't expect it to feel this good just to hold her. I can't ever remember a time where I have just laid with a woman. At least not without sleeping with her first. But as soon as Nora's breathing evens and she relaxes against me, I find a peace I didn't know was possible.
All the shit I keep bottled in, the stress of the album, of the tour, of leaving Alice when I know she needs me; all of it seems a little easier to bear with this girl in my arms. Like she somehow has the power to share it with me, to pull it from me and refuse to let me feel anything but the perfection of her body against mine.
Chapter Fourteen
Nora
The ringing in my ears and pounding in my head make it impossible for me to hold onto sleep any longer. I peel one eye open and then the other, realizing immediately that I am not in my bed based on the fact that I am staring up at the bottom of another bed and not the ceiling like I should be.
I look down to find myself draped in a thick comforter but know before I even look, that I am naked. Well, besides my bra and panties, but that certainly does not make me feel any better. I would bet just about anything that I am in Killian's bed simply because of the scent engulfing me. I would know that scent anywhere, though I have no idea how I got here.
Oh God, what did I do?
Panic immediately floods through me as I try to piece together what happened last night. I remember the show. I remember going to the bar with Gabe and Aiden... Gabe. I immediately shake my head. I knew better than to agree to have a drink with him.
How many did I have?
How did I end up here?
What did I do before and after I arrived here?
All of these questions bounce around in my head but then the twist in my stomach immediately distracts me from my meltdown. I take a deep breath, trying to calm my sudden urge to vomit but honestly, it only makes it worse.
I don't have time to worry about clothing as I rip myself out of the bed and practically dive into the bathroom just feet away, managing to get the door closed just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into the toilet. This is why I don't drink. This is why I avoid letting myself go. There are too many repercussions, and far too many risks.
I'm not sure how much time passes before a light knock sounds against the door and Killian's voice floods through the space. “Nora. You okay?” His voice is hesitant, quiet.
“That depends on what you classify as okay.” I groan out, lifting my head up off of the toilet seat, silently praying someone has cleaned it recently.
“That bad huh?” He laughs lightly. “I brought you water and some medicine.” He says, his thoughtfulness immediately bringing my worst fear to the surface. “And I have your clothes here if you want them.” He taps lightly on the door again gesturing for me to open it.
Wedging it open just enough that he can drop my clothes inside, I quickly shut it the moment the material hits the floor. Slipping on my shirt, I know I have to ask him this question, but I am so scared of what his answer will be.
“Killian?” I make sure he's still there before continuing. “Did we...” I start but he immediately cuts in.
“No.” He laughs lightly.
“Thank God.” I sigh out, leaning back against the wall and dropping my head forward in relief.
“Though it wasn't for your lack of trying.” He tacks on, laughter in his voice.
“I don't think I like the sound of that.” I groan.
“Don't worry. I rather enjoyed it.” Again, the smile is clear in his voice.
“That doesn't make it any better.” I silently assault myself verbally for my serious lack in judgment as I slide on my pants, standing to secure them around my hips.
Taking a quick sip of the mouthwash on the sink, I do my best to make myself somewhat presentable before pushing open the door. I can feel my cheeks heat crimson the moment Killian's eyes land on my face and a huge smile stretches across his.
“Please tell me I didn't try to rape you or anything.” I say, hitting him with an apologetic look before lowering myself onto the ed
ge of his bed.
“Rape would insinuate that I didn't want it, which I can assure you was not the case.” He says jokingly, clearly trying to make me feel better about the situation.
“I doubt that's true but thank you for saying it.” I say, knowing there is no way Killian Adair would want a girl like me throwing herself at him. I'm nothing special. Plain, boring, unadventurous. I'm surprised he's not running in the opposite direction after what I apparently pulled last night.
“So we didn't do anything?” I ask, hope clear in my voice.
“I didn't say that.” He shakes his head, taking a seat on the bed next to me. “You really don't remember?” He asks, turning his face towards me.
“Not at all.” I admit, meeting his eyes for the first time.
“You stripped down to your panties and bra.” He chuckles at my expression. “Then we kissed.” He admits, the playfulness in his voice falling away. “To say you tested my will power is the understatement of the year. But in the end, we just snuggled.” He shrugs, a small smile pulling up the side of his mouth.
“Snuggled?” I question, finding the word strangely foreign coming from Killian. He's all hot Irish and rock star. He doesn't strike me as the type to say the word snuggle or to actually perform the act for that matter.
A part of me is seriously pissed that I can't remember spending the night in Killian's arms. The thought that I did just that sends my heart beating frantically in my chest.
“I'm sorry.” I say, unable to meet his gaze any longer.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. We all drink too much and get a little out of control from time to time.” He reassures me, resting his hand on top of mine.
“I don't.” I say, shaking my head as I meet his gaze once more. “I mean, I never have before.”
“First time for everything.” He shrugs like it's no big deal. “I'm going to run out and grab a few things before we hit the road. It's nearly eight hours to Texas, is there anything you need?” He tacks on.
“I'm good.” I shake my head, not wanting to ask anything from him given what happened last night. “I think I just need to sleep it off.”
“Sounds like a plan.” He nods, pushing into a stand. “I left your water and Tylenol on the ledge of your bed. Let me know if you need anything else.” He pauses, like he wants to say more but then closes his mouth.
“Thank you Killian. For everything.” I say, knowing he knows exactly what I am really saying. Thank you for not making me feel worse about this. Thank you for being such a good sport. Thank you for not taking advantage of my condition.
“Don't thank me.” He smiles. “Next time just make sure you're sober when you decide to throw yourself at me, that way I can actually do something about it.” He winks and then spins around, leaving me to stew on his words.
I don't believe that Killian has any real interest in me but I must admit, when he says things like that or when he looks at me a certain way, sometimes I can almost pretend he does. I am not blind to the fact that I am the polar opposite of the girls he usually hooks up with.
For one, I'm a brunette. Two, I am not a size two and I do not sport anything fake, especially my boobs. Three, and most importantly, I am not a slut. I can count my sexual partners on two fingers whereas he would probably need to borrow a few hands to count his.
Trying to shake off the nauseated feeling still swimming in my stomach, though I am not entirely sure it has anything to do with the alcohol, I push myself out of Killian's bed and grab my suitcase out from underneath it.
I wish Killian didn't affect me the way he does. I wish I was immune to his lopsided grin and impossibly attractive Irish charm. I hate that for once in my life, I am part of the norm. Just another faceless girl in a long line of women that cannot resist Killian Adair.
Finding a pair of black yoga pants and a red racer back tank, not wanting to sleep in my jeans from yesterday, I quickly change in the bathroom before climbing up into my bed. Closing the curtain, I pull the blankets over my head, praying that I can get just a little more sleep before I have to actually face this day and the embarrassment of my actions.
Killian was only part of it. I was out with Gabe and Aiden for hours before I came back to the bus. Who knows what happened in the time I was at the bar. I remember dancing with Gabe at one point. I remember fighting off his advances for most of the night. I remember even when the alcohol really started to take hold that I still found him repulsive.
Not that Gabe isn't gorgeous because he is. It's more his actions that give him the sleazy vibe. Even though it works on most women, for whatever reason it seems to have the opposite effect on me. I can't say for sure, but the more I think about, the more certain I become that my actions with Gabe and Aiden, while unprofessional, were pretty much harmless.
****
“Dude, what the fuck?” I hear Gabe cursing and random items hitting the floor. “Where are my fucking headphones?” He yells through the bus, effectively pulling me from sleep.
I blink into the bright sun shining in through the back window, immediately fumbling for my phone to check the time. Not able to locate it anywhere, I turn towards the window and look out at the freeway and the cars traveling around us.
I can't tell where we are and have no idea how long we have been driving, but based on the position of the sun, I would say it has to be midafternoon sometime. I can't believe I was able to sleep so long.
“No they fucking aren't.” I hear Gabe respond, though I am not entirely sure who he is responding to.
“Dude. Would you shut the fuck up?” I hear Aiden's groggy voice and realize immediately that he must have been sleeping as well.
“Fuck you man. It's the middle of the afternoon. Why don't you get your ass up?” Gabe retorts, the sound of his case hitting the floor echoing through the back of the bus.
“You're an asshole.” Aiden bites, his bed squeaking as he climbs out of it and stomps across the floor.
“You stupid fuck, they are right here.” I hear Chet call from the common area.
“Where?” Gabe hollers back, his footsteps fading as he crosses towards the front of the bus. The voices turn to a dull murmur the moment the door between the two areas latches closed.
Pulling back the curtain, I quickly hop down from my bed and head into the bathroom, feeling like my bladder is going to burst at any moment. I quickly brush my teeth and wash my face before exiting the room, nearly jumping out of my skin the moment I open the door and realize Killian is sitting there. He is laying in his bed, propped up on pillows, a notebook in his lap.
“Feel better?” He asks.
It's clear by his position that he was there when I jumped down from my bed, but in my rush to get to the bathroom, I didn't even notice.
“Much.” I say, feeling the blush once again takeover my face. While I can't bring myself to regret kissing Killian last night, that doesn't make facing him any easier. “What are you doing?” I ask, pointing to the notebook in his lap.
“Working on a new song.” He says, looking down at the page in front of him and then back up at me.
“What's it called?” I ask, crossing the space towards him.
Not knowing what else to do and wanting to seem as natural as possible, I take a seat on the edge of his bed and turn inward to face him, pulling my knees up to my chest.
“Disguise.” He says, sitting up and setting the notebook to the side. “Do you want to hear it?” He asks, surprising me as he reaches to the side of the bed and grabs his acoustic guitar that is leaning against the frame.
“Are you kidding?” I question. “Of course I do.” I say, watching in complete silence as he tunes his guitar and then begins strumming out the opening chords of the song.
“Bear with me.” He laughs lightly, stopping to adjust the key. “It's a work in progress.” He adds on, before starting the song again.
He plays for a few seconds before his voice fills the space. My mind is immediately in a trance. Everything th
at is not Killian fades into the background and he becomes my one and only focus. The sound of his voice, the expression on his face as he sings, the way his eyes hold mine as if he's singing directly to me.
I can't ignore the way my heart beats louder, harder, with each word that flows from his lips. The lips that I can't remember kissing. The lips that I long to kiss again. Watching Killian play is like watching magic happen right before your very eyes. You refuse to believe what you're seeing, but can't bring yourself to deny that it's real.
We all want to believe in something more. But Killian doesn't need to believe, he already is something more. He's talent and passion, drive and dream. He is a star, plain and simple.
I just wonder how long it will be before he realizes it too.
Everything After
Disguise
I take you only there
Never to return
For once you see my pain
Your soul forever burns
I pull you into the fire
Refusing to let you go
If you perish with me
How could you possibly ever know...
The truth behind who I am
The truth behind my lies
The truth behind my masked face
The truth behind my disguise.
Chapter Fifteen
Killian
I can't take my eyes off of her. She's sitting at a picnic table, the backdrop of the lake making her look almost angelic as she drops her head back on a laugh.
We've been at Kate's parents’ house for less than two days and already I can see the stress of the tour falling away. The guys are laughing, carefree and relaxed. Knowing we have a week to unwind is an amazing feeling. I didn't realize just how heavy of a weight this tour would carry, especially with only three shows down.
Hell, we've barely just begun.
I can't help but laugh when Nora jumps up and lets out the cutest little shriek. Slamming her hand of cards down on the wood in front of her, she proceeds to taunt Chet and Gabe who clearly thought she would be an easy win. Chet smacks the table, as always a sore loser. Who knew the girl could play poker? Seems she is full of surprises.
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