Why can't he just let me be?
And why, despite him being so cruel, do I still want nothing more than to throw myself in his arms and never leave?
Chapter Thirty
Killian
I've been sitting here for hours, waiting. Waiting for Nora and Gabe to return. Waiting to have a conversation with her that seems less and less possible by the minute. No matter how much I trust Gabe not to make a move on Nora, I still can't help but imagine them together.
I can't stop the vision of his hands on her, of his lips on her. It eats at me and sends my anger spiraling further and further out of control.
Gabe wouldn't do that to me, I remind myself. No matter how hard of a game he talks, at the end of the day, we know the rules...
Never sleep with the same girl.
It's one thing we all promised each other years ago.
I jump, startled by the sound of the bus door opening. When Gabe steps on board followed by Nora, who has a wide smile on her face like he just said something extremely funny, I feel a combination of emotions.
Relief.
Sadness.
Jealousy.
Anger.
It all balls up tightly inside of me and threatens to tear me apart.
“Where have you two been?” I try to act nonchalant, like I haven't been sitting here all day waiting for them to return.
“Gabe took me to an amusement park.” Nora speaks first, clearly trying to just approach me as casually as possible.
After the little scene I made a couple days ago in Cleveland, Nora has gone from avoiding me, to treating me like everything is normal. Well, as normal as it can be. I'm not sure which is more frustrating. Being treated like you don't exist or being treated like you don't matter.
“I haven't been in years and Rochester has a pretty nice one.” She continues, dropping her cinch bag on the floor before taking a seat next to me, careful to keep a few feet between us on the couch.
“Sounds like fun.” I close the notebook in my lap.
“It was. Though I will tell you, your boy here is a bit of a baby.” She laughs, pointing at Gabe who only huffs at her laughter.
“I'm not a baby.” He protests.
“Really?” She cocks her head to the side and laughs louder. “Because I'm pretty sure you had a meltdown at the top of a roller coaster.”
“I did no such thing. You can't believe a word this woman says.” He looks at me and shakes his head.
“So I'm learning.” The statement just falls from my mouth before I even think about it. I feel Nora shift next to me but I keep my focus on Gabe.
His eyes widen and he throws me a disbelieving look but before anything can transpire, he immediately speaks
“I think I'm gonna run over to the coffee shop across the street and grab a drink, Nora you want to join me?” He asks.
While Gabe is doing this for my benefit, I don't want her to go. But I expect her to go. To once again leave. To my surprise she declines his invitation. Nodding, he informs us he will be right back before quickly exiting the bus, leaving me alone with Nora for the first time since the night Sidney kissed me.
“So you're learning?” She turns towards me, pulling my attention to her wide green eyes that are lined with hurt.
“I didn't mean that.” I immediately try to explain.
“Sure seems like you did.” She tries to keep her voice calm but I can see how much my statement has bothered her.
“It's just... I don't know. Fuck Nora.” I push up off of the couch, throwing my arms up in the air as I do. “One minute you're saying you love me, the next your replacing me with one of my band mates. I just don't fucking get it.”
“I'm not replacing you Killian.” She stands, placing her hand on my bicep as she urges me to face her. “Why would you think that?”
“It's pretty obvious isn't it?” I question, not able to hide the anger in my voice.
“Killian, Gabe is my friend.” She says, defensiveness clear in her tone.
“I'm sure that's all it is.” I say sarcastically, letting my jealousy get the better of me.
“You know what, I'm done with this.” She throws her hands up in defeat. “You don't want me, but you're so concerned that someone else might. You're angry when I give you your space, angry when I come around. I can't win with you.”
“Nora, wait.” I try to stop her as she steps past me, but she manages to slip out of my reach.
“I'm done Killian. Please, just leave me the hell alone.” She says, disappearing through the door.
I want to go after her, tell her I'm sorry, but I can't seem to make my feet move. I can't stop her from walking away but for whatever reason, I can't make myself go after her either.
Chapter Thirty-One
Nora
Two songs into Everything After’s performance and already I am heading for the door. I wish I could go out into the audience like I have so many times before. Look up at Killian like all of his other adoring fans and lose myself in his beauty, in his talent.
But I simply can't do that anymore.
It's too painful...
Each song the band plays seems to cut deeper and deeper, like I am suddenly realizing with each passing moment that this really is coming to an end.
My time with the band...
My time with Killian...
It breaks my heart to see how this all has transpired. My stupid head and my weak heart have never been so much at odds before in my life. Not to mention, dealing with a man like Killian is like being in constant limbo. I'm not sure which of us is suffering from greater whiplash; him or I...
I know this hasn't been easy for him either. I know I've been all over the place recently. But I just can't seem to figure out the right way to deal with this situation. Every way I try feels wrong on so many levels.
Four more shows, I remind myself as I climb onto the bus and head for my bunk. The space feels oddly eerie with the absence of the band members and I immediately snuggle down into my bed and pull my blanket tightly around myself, trying to find some type of comfort in my solitude.
****
I lay silently in my bed as the band enters the bus a couple of hours later. I pretend I'm asleep when both Aiden and Gabe come to check on me. Having told Sean I wasn't feeling well, they clearly must think I am just sleeping off whatever is wrong with me because neither of them say my name more than once when they stop by my bunk.
I listen to the voices as they flow around me, noticing almost immediately that Killian did not return with the rest of the band. There is a void, an air of absence without his sexy accent filling my ears.
I listen to Gabe's recount of our amusement park trip, to Aiden talking about how he can't wait to get back to Georgia and lay down a few new tracks at Pete’s, their favorite studio to record in. Eventually the voices die off with Chet and Kate being the last two to settle into their bunks.
While my eyelids feel heavy and my body is begging for sleep, I just can't seem to turn my mind off.
I can't stop thinking about Killian.
Where he is...
What he's doing...
And most importantly, who he's with...
****
When a woman's laughter rings through my ears, I'm convinced I'm still sleeping. But when it happens again, this time even louder, I am forced to open my eyes and accept the voice as a reality. A loud crash causes me to jump and then I hear Killian's slurred voice sound through the otherwise silent bus.
“Shhh...” He laughs. “You're going to wake everyone up.”
“And.” I hear the woman respond, followed by the obvious sound of two people kissing.
The woman lets out a deep moan and then I feel the bunk shift below me causing my entire body to go tense.
This cannot be happening.
There is no way he would do this me...
And yet, it is happening... Very loudly might I add.
Someone hits the bottom of my bunk, most likely in
an attempt to remove an article of clothing. This seems to be my undoing. The well put together, rational Nora is gone. Replaced only by this; a heartbroken woman pushed beyond her limit.
I tear out of my bed with so much force that I rip my privacy curtain straight off the rod in an attempt to escape. When my feet hit the floor, a loud thud sounding from my jump off the top bunk, all I can feel is rage. An anger like I have never felt before boils inside of me. I immediately turn, flipping on the switch that controls the overhead lighting in the back of the bus.
The moment the brightness settles over Killian and the woman, who thankfully is still somewhat dressed, my voice tears from my chest so forcefully, I don't even recognize it as my own.
“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” I scream, the sound bouncing off of every surface on the bus, seeming to echo all around me.
The woman, clearly caught off guard, rolls from the bed in a bit of a panic, immediately pulling down her shirt in an effort to conceal herself.
“What the hell are you doing?” I scream again, this time my eyes landing on Killian, who sits up in the bed and hits me with glazed eyes.
“What the fuck is your problem?” His words slur together and are hard to make out through his accent and clear inebriation.
“What the fuck is my problem?” My voice shoots up an octave. My legs are trembling so hard it's a wonder I am still able to support my own weight.
“Nora.” I feel hands settle down on my shoulders just as Killian attempts to stand from the bed, the unsuspecting woman looking on in complete shock like she is afraid to even move. I jump, turning to see Aiden standing directly behind me.
“What the fuck dude?” Aiden addresses Killian in a way I have never heard him speak before.
“What?” Killian stumbles to the side and barely catches himself on the ladder that leads up to my bed.
“What the hell is she doing here?” He points to the woman.
“What do you think she's doing here?” He smiles and raises his eyebrows, the action causing my stomach to twist violently.
“Dude.” Chet appears from his bunk, clearly still a bit groggy from being woken up so abruptly. “With Nora here?” He questions, sliding his shirt on over his head before gesturing towards me.
“I don't give a shit if she's here.” He spews, throwing me a look so full of hatred that it takes everything I have not to double over from the pain that one looks causes.
“Killian, your drunk. Don't do or say something you're going to regret tomorrow.” Chet tries to reason with him.
“The only thing I regret is her.” He says, pointing directly at me, his arm swaying as he can't seem to hold it straight.
I can feel the tears, the anger and rage forcing every emotion to show itself, but I fight them back. I refuse to let this asshole see me cry. Drunk or not, I will not let him get the better of me.
“Get her the hell out of here.” I hear Kate next who grabs the girl by her forearm and pushes her towards Aiden, drawing my attention to him.
It's only then that I realize Gabe is standing just feet behind me, his face clouded in anger.
“Fuck that.” Killian makes a grab for the girl but Chet pushes him back towards his bunk.
“Killian, as your friend I'm warning you, back the fuck down.”
“Fuck you.” Killian slurs, pushing Chet who stumbles a few feet backwards.
Within seconds Gabe is on Killian. Pushing him back against the bunk, he speaks just inches from Killian's face. “Chill the fuck out Kill.” Gabe warns.
“Come on Nora, you don't need to be here for this.” Aiden pulls at my arm, urging me to follow him off of the bus.
I don't want to leave. There is so much I still want to say. So much anger still flowing through me. So much pain.
“Trust me Nora.” Aiden says, giving me no choice but to exit the bus. “You don't want to be around him like this.”
I immediately notice that the woman is no longer anywhere to be seen but that doesn't stop me from searching every inch of the area for her the moment we are off the bus. It gives me focus, something to keep my mind from spinning further into the chaos.
“He's done this before?” I finally ask, my voice quivering as I turn back towards Aiden.
“To a degree, yes. It's only happened a couple of times and it's usually following something bad. He doesn't handle shit well.” Aiden pulls me to his chest when he sees the tears forming in my eyes.
“This is isn't your fault Nora. Killian is... Well, he's a musician. Musicians are notorious for how deeply we feel and how affected we become by the situations around us. He'll be fine, he just needs to sleep it off.” He speaks into my hair.
“I can't.” I shake my head, backing out of Aiden's embrace. “I can't be here anymore. I can't do this.” I say, gesturing around me at nothing in particular.
“He will be better tomorrow and all this will be over.” He tries to reassure me.
“Will it Aiden? Will it really? Because from where I am standing it just keeps getting worse.” I throw my hands up, trying to keep my hysterics under control.
I hear Killian and Gabe screaming at each other, the sound of their voices booming through the night air surrounding us.
“I'm ruining lifelong friendships here apparently.” I point towards the bus.
“You aren't ruining anything. This is his process. When his uncle died, he punched Chet square in the face.” He chuckles lightly at the memory, clearly just trying to find humor in the situation. “Broke his nose right then and there but you know what, all was forgiven the next day. This is what we do Nora. We are brothers. We fight, we fall, we pick each other back up. I don't pretend to understand exactly what is going on between the two of you, but whatever it is, it has fucked him up pretty badly.” He says.
I know he's not blaming me but his words still make me feel like every bit of this is my fault.
“It doesn't matter anymore Aiden. I can't put myself through this anymore. I thought I could make it until Philadelphia. I thought I could finish out the tour with you guys, but I can't. I'm sorry Aiden, I just can't.” My emotions stick in my throat as the thought of leaving Killian really takes hold.
I know I have to do it.
He's taken away my ability to stay.
I can only hope that when I return home, the pain I feel in this moment doesn't follow me. Even though deep down I know, a pain this deep can never be out run.
Not only will it follow me, but I have a feeling it is something I will carry with me for a very long time to come.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Killian
“Get up!” I hear Chet's voice, which is immediately followed by the rattle of my bed.
“What?” I gargle out, noticing immediately how dry my fucking throat is.
“We have a signing in less than two hours and your ass needs to be there.” Chet rattles my bed again, causing my eyes to bolt open.
The moment the brightness filtering through the back window hits my eyes, I instantly close them again, a deep pounding that seems to quickly spread through my entire head making it impossible to keep them open.
“I thought we were signing in Maine.” I roll to the side, pulling the blanket over my face in an attempt to shield the bright light that I now can't seem to escape.
“We are in Maine.” Chet replies, causing me to pull back the blanket and squint in his direction.
“What?” I question, not able to find the time that I so clearly lost.
“We got here a while ago. You've been asleep for like twelve hours.” He leans against the bunk frame and crosses his arms in front of his chest. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I've been run over by a fucking truck. What the fuck happened?” I stretch out, noticing an immediate tenderness in my chest and abdomen.
“The better question is, what didn't happen?” He half laughs.
My mind immediately tries to start piecing together whatever it is I seem to be missing but everyt
hing is a haze. Like the last day is surrounded in fog and I can't get a clear line of sight.
“Fuck.” I open my mouth, noticing that my jaw also feels sore and tight. “What the fuck man?” I glance up at Chet who seems to be waiting for me to put it all together.
“That one is compliments of Gabe. Though I can't say I blame him, you got him on the cheek pretty good.” He laughs at the memory, clearly finding humor in whatever the fuck apparently went down last night.
“Gabe hit me?” I question, sitting up in the bed, slouching over with my elbows on my knees the moment I do, trying to calm the increasingly painful pounding in my head.
“In all fairness, you hit him first.”
“Why would I hit him?” I ask.
Before he has a chance to respond, images of last night suddenly start becoming clear.
Nora... The way she looked at me like she's never hated someone more in her entire life.
The other woman. Hell, I don't even remember her name.
Did I even know her name to begin with?
Dread floods my body and I suddenly feel like the contents of my stomach are about to make an appearance. Taking a deep breath, I try to stand but my weak legs protest and I slump back down.
“Where's Nora?” I glance back up at Chet.
“She's gone man.” He says, apology lining his face.
“Gone where? When will she be back?” My words come out too quickly and for a moment, I wonder if he even understood what I said.
“She's not coming back.” He finally answers.
“What do you mean she's not coming back?” I growl, growing increasingly frustrated by the second. “Just tell me what the fuck is going on. Where is she?”
“She went home.” Chet sighs loudly and then turns, taking a seat next to me on my bunk.
“After the stunt you pulled last night, bringing that girl back here, I think she just had enough. She went to Sean shortly before we left New York, said she had everything she needed and asked to be allowed to return home early to start working on her article without the distraction of being on the bus. He arranged for a car to take her to the airport early this morning just before we left. Honestly dude, I don't know what the fuck you were thinking.”
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