by Anyta Sunday
Okay, I sooohad to stop thinking about this right now. This was my date with Syd, my first date with any guy in fact, and I was determined to enjoy it.
“I hope you like chocolate,” Syd said, shutting the car door. I fixed a frown on my face and stared at him. “Who doesn’t like chocolate?”
He chuckled. “Two of my three sisters, actually.” Meeting me on my side of the car, he grabbed my hand, and pulled me up to him. His green eyes, bright, even though we stood indin a poorly lit parking lot, stared into my own.
I broke the contact, although I wasn’t sure why, perhaps it’d felt too intense on an empty stomach? “Are you the only boy in the family?” I asked stepping around him.
“Yup.” He threaded his fingers through his hair. “Well, not including Dad, but—” Syd stopped and I watched his Adam’s apple jut out as he swallowed. He shook his head ever-so-slightly, perhaps it was a shudder, and then marched toward the restaurant.
His reaction made me curious, but I didn’t know him well enough yet to ask. Inside the smell of chocolate assailed me, taking me back to my seven year old self when Mom took June and I for a chocolate and candy factory tour after she’d told us her and Dad had split. I didn’t really understand what that meant back then, I just remember feeling really excited about seeing a chocolate waterfall.
Syd’s voice brought me back to the present. “Whenever I come here I think of raspberries.” He sniffed the air. “Melted chocolate really does smell like them.” I inhaled deeply. “I might detect a hint of that.” (But only a small one) Because it was busy, there wasn’t much choice where to sit. Finally we secured a little table next to a large window. With it being dark outside and light inside, the window created a mirror effect, and it distracted me somewhat having my reflection sitting next to me. I tried (and failed) not to look at it.
Syd flicked open a menu. “Mmmm. Death by Chocolate.” I checked out the list of desserts and Death by Chocolate did sound the best.
“Let’s get the option for two, then, shall we?” Syd waited for my reaction. One plate, two forks? Yeah, I could handle that. Okay, that would be fine. Probably. I mean, it was just—I glanced around the restaurant—“Won’t people notice we’re, you know,” I leaned forward and whispered, “on a date?” After saying it, and seeing Syd’s face drop, I felt like an idiot. I mean, who cared right? Okay, well yeah,Icared a bit, but I didn’t want to.
At that moment the waiter came over. Ignoring the tight ball of nerves in my stomach and trying to get over my fear, I said, “We’d like Death by Chocolate for two.” And because I was nervous (my fingers couldn’t stop twitching, and I was sweating something torrential), I blurted, “we’re on a date.”
What the...? What the hell did I go and add that for? I gave Syd a panicked look, to find him chuckling.Chuckling!And here I was worried we might come fist to face with some phobes after saying that.
The waiter smiled. “Any drinks with that?” “I’ll have a sparkling water,” Syd said, and looked at me questioningly. I managed a nod, as inyeah, the same for me thanks. Syd grinned. “Make that two.”
When the waiter had left, Syd locked my leg under the table between his. “I hope you didn’t say that because of me,” he said, meeting my gaze. “I don’t want you feeling pressured to out yourself to people if you’re not ready.”
And then the realization of what I’d done hit me. “Oh my God,” I groaned. “That waiter and anyone within hearing distance knows I’m gay before my own mom.” Jeez did I have some serious priority issues.
Syd squeezed my leg. “That’s not bad. I think it’s harder telling the people you’ve known your whole life. There’s more at stake.” Then he did that strange little shudder thing he’d done back in the parking lot.
“Was it hard for you?” I asked quietly, tensing a bit because I wasn’t sure I was crossing some line.
Syd’s legs loosened around my own. He took the menu and began straightening out the creases.
Shit. I knew it. I should never have ask— “My sisters were all right with it,” he said. “My mom took it reasonably, but she keeps thinking it’s a phase I’m going to grow out of. And Dad…” His finlingertips whitened on the menu. “He didn’t take it so good.”
I wanted to offer his some morsel of sympathy. Felt like saying I understood. But I didn’t. Because it was one thing to imagine the worst my dad could react and another thing entirely to have that happen for real.
The waiter came back with our waters, and that ended that topic.
“So, how do you get on with your roomie?” Syd asked. At that I wanted to butt my head against the table. What would I give not to think of Trey right now for the rest of this date? I shrugged. “We get on fine.”
Although I’d only said it to avoid further questioning on him, it was true. I mean, taking away my weird feelings when I was around him, we did seem to get on.
“Well you’re lucky. I’m not sure if it was a practical joke, but mine wore a cloak and pinned a Hogwarts sign over his bed.”
That was weird. And damn, there I was thinking of Trey again. His library books. That mysterious graze on my ass. All the way todon’t sleep with him.
Thankfully, our desserts came and with it harmless conversation about chocolate, music, and then weirdly Sudoku. I had no idea how it got tothat.
After we’d paid and left, Syd drove us up to a point overlooking the city. The trip made me uncomfortable because I knew what was expected once we got there. I really enjoyed Syd’s company. I liked his openness; he was a genuinely nice guy. And cute, pretty damn cute,but… Yeah, there was one of those, and it wasn’t small enough to ignore.
It lacked.There was no spark. I didn’t have the urge to grab him, hold him. Maybe—probably, it had something to do with the fact I couldn’t get Trey out of my mind.Ahhhh, man I sucked. I needed to get out of the Trey ditch, and fast.
Syd twisted on his seat, and ran an appreciating gaze over my body. “You know you’re super hot, Shane,” he said, leaning toward me.
I met him halfway and brushed my lips against his, gently, hoping maybe this would trigger thatsomething. He ran his tongue along my inner lip and I wanted to feel anticipation and excitement—wanted to be turned on. But so far my dick hadn’t stirred in the slightest.
Syd climbed over the middle and straddled me, kissing me deeper. My tongue moved with his and I imagined us naked, hot and sweaty, but it still wasn’t doing anything. Stupid fucking Trey,it was all his fault. At the thought of him, my kisses grew stronger, forceful almost aggressive. I sucked on Syd’s tongue and as I did, pictured Trey. I circled my arms around him, and that’s when I lost my fervor. He just didn’t feel right, didn’t smell right, didn’t taste right.
I leaned back from him and sighed. Syd took a moment to collect himself and then lightly placed his hands on my chest. “This isn’t right for you, is it?” he asked with a sad smile.
I shook my head, guilty I’d let it get so far. “Ah.” I rubbed the palm of my hand against my forehead. “I’m sorry. I—” “No. Don’t apologize.” Syd climbed off me and into the driver’s seat. “I guess I sort of had a feeling that was the case. I mean you never squeezed my leg back in the restaurant, and you let go of my hand real quick at the start.” He smiled and squished up his nose cutely. “You’re just so hot, I had to try. Just in case.”
I leaned over and pulled him into an embrace. I did like him. A lot even. Just…just not that way—dammit. “I know this sounds like the typical line, but I really would like to see you again. As friends. There’s something I-I naturally like about you, Syd.” Just not sexually.
Syd patted my back. “You’d better mean that, because I wouldlike us to be friends.” The ride back seemed to drag on thanks to the slight awkwardness that tainted our conversation. When we arrived back at the dorms, we arranged to meet up again after the weekend,ead and said an easy goodbye. Well easy considering.
I walked to my room, strangely awake although it was long past midnight.
The lights were out and the curtains shut, but I could make out the lump in Trey’s bed and hear his deep regular breathing. After I got myself ready for sleep, I sat on my bed just watching Trey for a bit, hating him, wanting him. The events of the day replayed in my mind and at the part where Trey plunged his hand between my thighs in search for his chip, I got hard.
I grabbed a towel and my wash-bag, and headed to the showers. A few drunken people roamed the corridors, but the showers were empty. I slipped out of my boxers and into the shower and shut the door. I wished the water would pound on me, but this patter was the highest pressure I was going to get. I squirted a whole mass of shampoo on my hands and stroked my boner. I loved touching myself, it felt so good, but more than that it was a way to relieve —expressmyself.
The shampoo glided over my cock, and I imagined it was Trey’s hand—no better yet, his mouth. Yeah, his rosy lips working me up and down. I rubbed fast beneath the head and then stopped for a few seconds, wanting this to last longer. I started up again moving my hips in a coital motion, this time with Trey’s fucking hot ass in mind. And—ahhhh. (What an explosion!) I loved it.Neededit.
But recently this high had been followed by a guilty low. Closing my eyes into the water, I felt it come on in waves of shame. This thing with Trey--these weird feelings had to stop. I’d thought it was just a transition from Ryan, but well tonight I had the chance to move on and couldn’t.
I got out of the shower, dried up and looked at myself in the mirror. The guy that stared back at me was such a liar. He looked strong, confident, in control, but I knew the truth—on the inside he was confused, in pain, and felt like dirt. Worse than dirt, rot. If he loved June, he would do something to change these feelings.
My breath hitched and I leaned my forehead against mirror, against the guy who safe to say was a bit lost. I needed someone to talk to, but who? Obviously not June, the one I usually went to for advice.
As I slipped into my night boxers I thought about some of my mates from home. I couldn’t imagine telling any of them though, especially not after the way Ryan had acted when he’d found out. And we’d been that much closer.
I sighed. I knew who I could talk to. The one woman other than June so wonderful in my life: Mom. Only I still had to tell her I was gay.
I made my way back to my room, and quietly slunk into bed. Then I shut my eyes and forced myself to block out Trey’s light snores.
It was time to get a grip and move on. Chapter Five
JEEZ, I WAS such abastard. Lowest of the low. Scum of the earth. It didn’t matter I’d successfully managed to avoid Trey the last week, because he stayedcon-stant-lyon my mind. Which I guess made the runaround--getting up at six and going to bed past midnight not to see or speak to him-pretty pointless. And fuck it made me cranky.
June nudged me sharply with her elbow. “Time to leave dreamy-head.” I snapped out of my daze. People all around us slapped their books shut and began shuffling out of the lecture theatre. “So, tell me, who is it?”
I stuffed my notebook into my canvas shoulder bag. “Who is what?” “The guy you were thinking about.” She raised a finger halting me from interjecting. “And don’t tell me you weren’t. I know that look.”
I banged the door open with my fist. I didn’t want to think about it anymore, but June didn’t seem to pick up on my foul mood. Or if she did, she ignored it. “Anyway, let me guess,” she continued as we made our way outside, “well, he’s prgedobably taller than you—for some reason I think you’d go for the tall dark handsome type.” She gave a shortheheand ploughed on. “Oh, and I bet he has a killer smile. You’d be one to swoon at that sort of thing.” She shoved me with her shoulder and then looked at me, waggling her brows.
I gritted my teeth and lengthened my stride toward a narrow pathway between two buildings. “I’m gonna grab something to eat.”
“The cafeteria is that way,” June said pointing to her left. “This is a short cut,” I said, stepping off the brick path onto a narrow concrete one. “Trust me.” How did I know that? Oh, because a plus side of getting up so early is I got to know the campusreallywell. I spent my mornings walking and my evenings running around it. I’d made sure to check out Trey’s schedule and noted the times I could safely go back to our room. Although I didn’t trust myself to nap for fear of oversleeping, and stuck to showering and playing my guitar. Studying I did at the library.
We came out on the other side of the buildings, the late afternoon sun almost blinding us. Shielding our eyes, we crossed a small square to the cafeteria.
“That was quite a shortcut. Good tip,” June said in a jubilant voice that annoyed me. (Anyone who wasn’t also in a foul mood had that effect on me. Actually, I’d imagine other foulmooded people would have that effect too, because they’d made me see how pathetic I was being).
After grabbing a quick sandwich, June and I checked out a few books in the library and slunk to “our” table. A square four person table that remained free because it was too close to the librarian’s desk. Students didn’t seem partial to sit so near supervision (a lot of students brought food and drink into the library). June and I, however, didn’t mind it at all. Thanks to having a librarian as a mom, library rules were engrained in us, and we never had much difficulty keeping to them.
We slipped into our seats and began re-reading our notes for the day. June would occasionally highlight something and mutter, but other than that we stayed quiet. After an hour, June stretched. I sat back from my work and stared at her. My sweet, hard-working sister. I was so proud of her.
“What are you looking at?” she whispered. I smiled and shrugged. You’re just awesome.“I’m glad you’re coming to help me with my afterschool care class tomorrow,” I answered instead.
June dropped her arms and frowned. “Tomorrow? I thought it was Wednesday.”
I shook my head. “Tuesdays and Fridays.” She crooked her forefinger at me, and led me into a discussion room. As soon as the door shut she spoke at a normal volume. “I’m sorry Shane, but I can’t do that. For geography I have group assignments and we’re meeting Tuesday evenings.”
She bit her lip, looking worried she’d let me down. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’ll find someone else.”
While scrolling through the people I knew—a very short list —I brightened my smile to reassure her. Maybe I could ask Syd if he’d be interested? We’d met up since our first date and things had gone well. In fact—
I glanced at my watch. “Shit. I meant to be meeting Syd for a run in twenty minutes.” June looked at me, obviously confused at the sudden topic change. I pulled her into a quick hug. “Don’t worry about tomorrow, okay. Geography assignment trumps babysitting.”
We walked back to our table and I shoved my notes and books into my bag. As I slung it over my shoulder I felt a presence behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck rose and I fought off a shiver.
Trey stepped past me and met my sister in an embrace. June stood on her tiptoes, waiting for him to kiss her. He hesitated a moment, and then bowed his head, brushing his lips on hers. I willed myself to look away, but my body wasn’t obeying orders. Was that such a shock do? I mean, it never did around him.
He disentangled himself, and flashed me a quick look, his jaw twitching. “Hello, Shane,” he said, his voice hushed but cold. “Long time no see.”
I forced a smile in response, and faced June. “Gotta go, see you soon, yeah?” She nodded, and Trey said, “Not so fast, man, I’m heading out in a sec too. Just wait.” He faced my sister. “Are we up for doing something tonight?”
June shook her head and whispered back, “I’ve been hijacked into a girls evening.” Trey’s shoulders dropped a fraction, not in disappointment though, actually, if I wasn’t mistaken he seemed relieved. June must have noticed it too, because her smile faltered. I stepped away, suddenly feeling as if I was intruding on their space, and made my way out of the library. Actually, I was glad of the excuse to leave without Trey. I sucked in the f
resh air and began across the courtyard with a spring in my step.
“Shane!” My sister’s voice trailed toward me. I groaned inwardly and turned to the approaching figures. When they’d covered the distance, June tugged my arm in excitement. “I had a great idea. Trey can help you with your kids.”
I glanced up at Trey, briefly meeting his dark eyes. Gorgeous fucking eyes. I could tell he was watching my reaction carefully, and that made me nervous. I straightened, hardened my gaze and said to my sister. “No. It’s okay. I said I’d figure something out June. No need to try and fix things.”
Trey’s deep voice interrupted me. “Actually, if you don’t mind I’d like to do it. I don’t drive, so travelling with you will be sort of helping me out. I can visit my folks at the same time.”
My mouth had dropped open, and now I stared at Trey, his hair lined with a red glow from the setting sun behind him. “I’m sorry. Did you say you can’t drive?”
Trey shook his head. “Never learned. Never cared to really. Can see how practical it would be about now, though.” He chuckled, but I could tell there was an embarrassed edge to it.
“Isn’t that just perfect, Shane?” June said. “I—ah. I—” No. Yes. Really, really no. Oh fuck, hell—“yeah.” I coughed. “Yeah that sounds good then.”
Trey’s eyes softened. “Thanks man.” “Great,” June said, letting Trey’s hand go. “I’m sure you two will work fine together. I’ll see you sometime tomorrow, Shane. Trey, call me?”
He nodded and watched her hurry away, a look on his face I couldn’t determine. Turning, he caught me studying him, and I felt a blush creep into my cheeks. Quickly, I averted my gaze, scanning the courtyard while I spoke, “I’m going running, so I’ve got to hurry--”
My cell began vibrating in my pocket. I took it out, walking in the direction of our dorm. “Yeah?”