"She'll only be a few yards away, and from up there we can look down into the stroller and see her. If she needs you it will take seconds to climb down."
Kate bit her lip and glanced along the beach. She had a clear view all the way to the parking area while the rock Andre had suggested they sit on closed off this end of the bay. Nobody could creep up on them.
"Okay." She agreed reluctantly, ignoring her strange sense of foreboding.
Andre striped off his shirt. Kate wondered how his skin stayed a perfect, light bronze when he spent his time inside. Methodically, he rubbed suntan lotion over his shoulders and neck, up his arms, across his muscular chest and flat stomach. Her mouth dried. Her fingers twitched as his hand glided across the swell of his pecs. God, she wanted to touch him, to stroke her palms over the mounds and hollows of muscle and bone, mold them with her fingers as though he were made of clay and she could sculpt the masculine beauty of his body.
He glanced up and caught her staring. Kate looked away quickly, grateful for the sunglasses that hid her eyes.
"Take your dress off. I'll spread lotion on you. You need to be careful with your fair complexion."
Kate's eyes tracked his hand as it made a careless sweep across his abs. If he touched her, the sun lotion would do her no good because she would burn up anyway. "I can manage myself, thanks."
She slipped off her dress, folded it, and stuffed it in her bag. After he passed her the lotion bottle, he crossed his arms, watching her. The white bikini suddenly seemed itsy bitsy, teeny weenie and totally inadequate. She turned her back and smeared on the cream at lightning speed.
"Let me do your back," he whispered beside her ear. A prickling rush of awareness spread across her skin.
Kate squeezed her eyes closed for a moment. "I can manage."
"Kat, don't be daft. You can't reach your back." With a sigh of acceptance, she squirted a blob of lotion on his palm and held herself taut while he rubbed it in. From the quick, efficient way he covered her back, he obviously wasn't overwhelmed with desire by the contact. No slow, sensuous strokes to worry about. When he'd finished, he stepped in front of her. "Do me."
"Oh. Right," she squeaked. She squirted lotion between his shoulder blades and watched the thick cream trickle slowly down his spine.
He frowned over his shoulder. "Rub it in, Kat."
Biting her lip, she caught the white trail and stroked it across his smooth, warm skin. Blood burning, unable to stop, she traced the tiny bumps of his spine, massaged the firm bulges of muscle in his shoulders, touched the small dark curl of hair at his nape. She'd been wrong; touching him was nothing like sculpting cold clay. It was hot and dangerous, like molding fire with her bare hands.
"Thanks, that'll do," he said gruffly.
"Come on. Let's go eat. I'm starving," Kate said, hoping to distract them both from her overenthusiastic sun screening.
He took the cooler from her, hefted it onto the rock and climbed up. After a glance at Keiko, Kate tossed up her towel and followed. The ancient piece of granite humped up out of the gently swirling waves like a slumbering sea monster, encrusted with seaweed and limpets underneath, weathered smooth on top. They lay on their stomachs on the hot, flat rock and Kate trailed her hand in the water as she ate a tuna sandwich. She threw the crusts in the sea and watched as they washed back and forth. Three herring gulls swooped down and quarreled until every soggy crumb was gone.
She rested her chin on her arms and eyed Keiko's buggy beneath lowered lids. It was incredibly peaceful, the silence broken only by the occasional scream of an excited child carried on the breeze from the far end of the beach, and the mournful calls of the gulls. The water lapped gently against the edge of the rock, its slapping rhythm lulling time to stand still. The past few terrible weeks drifted on the edge of consciousness like a distant memory. All thanks to Andre.
She turned her face his way, pillowing her cheek on her arms. He lay in the same position, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses. When he didn't say anything, she thought he must be asleep. She touched his arm. "Hey…"
He lifted his chin and slipped his dark glasses on top of his head. The sun illuminated ribbons of gold in his brown eyes that were achingly familiar. "I'm not asleep. I was thinking, Kat. Remembering."
For a few seconds their eyes locked and a strange mix of emotions swirled inside Kate like colors blended on a canvas; pale yellow sadness for what was lost, gray confusion, blue curiosity, green balance and security, pink love. All against a background of vivid red and orange desire that threatened to overwhelm. She wanted to slide over and curl her body around his lean muscular length. He made her feel safe. He made her laugh. He made her melt like warm honey.
She turned away and dipped her arm in the chilly water, the cold helping her focus. Andre was the only person who'd ever understood her. But he'd rejected her and it wasn't just because of his father. Andre might have been forced to leave Jersey, but he made the choice not to keep in contact with her. "Andre, what happened to us when you went away to boarding school?"
He ran a hand over his face and sighed. "I let you down. I'm sorry. I was angry with you for laughing at me when I kissed you. It sounds stupid now, but back then it was a big deal. I didn't mean to stay away so long, but boarding school life was a world away from here. I got caught up with new friends, and it was easier to stay with them during the vacations than come home."
Kate's eyes burned. She had to swallow before she could speak. "You didn't even email or phone." The memory of rejection shattered like a glass heart in her chest, each razor-sharp sliver a little girl's tear.
Andre slid a hand in the water and gripped her cold fingers. "I know I abandoned you without a word. I admit it. I'm sorry. Can we put it behind us? Can you forgive me?"
"It wouldn't have been so bad if you'd warned me you might not come back. I thought we were still best friends." She swallowed the lump in her throat and the colorful dots of the distant holidaymakers splintered into a kaleidoscope of color through her tears.
Andre put his arm over her shoulders and rested his forehead against her temple. "I was a teenage boy who suddenly discovered a world out there full of fun and distraction. Can't we just forget the past and start again?"
Kate closed her eyes and struggled to regain her composure. She would never forget the heartache of losing him. He'd been everything to her, her rock in troubled waters. When he cast her adrift she had foundered and nearly lost herself. Strange as life is, it was her father's death that saved her. Moving to England with her mother gave her a fresh start, and she met Dan. That relationship had not ended well, but Dan had been there when she needed someone. She would always be grateful to him for that. And he had given her Keiko…
Kate glanced at her baby's stroller and a smile pulled at her lips. From now on she would always have her little angel to love. Keiko wouldn't judge Kate on her hair or clothes or who her parents were. Keiko would love her unconditionally, the way real love should be. Suddenly Kate didn't want to be with Andre or think about the past. She didn't want any man. She wanted to cuddle her baby.
Kate pulled out from under Andre's arm and, choosing the fastest way to the beach, slid off the rock into the thigh-deep cool water. The chill stole her breath as she waded the few yards to the warm sand and then kneeled beside the buggy. Keiko stared up, her innocent green eyes focused on Kate, her chubby arms waving and legs kicking. "Are you hungry, sweet pea?" Kate tugged a towel from her bag and spread it on the sand in the shade of the rocks before lifting her baby.
Andre vaulted down from the rock and folded his lean body to bring him down to her level. "You didn't answer me, Kat? Am I forgiven?"
"Forgiven? Yes." There was little point in holding the past against him. He was helping her now, being a friend. But they'd lost something back then, the innocence of first love, the total trust and belief she'd had in him. Once gone, that could never be recaptured. She would always have doubts about him now.
"I sense a 'but' coming,"
he said.
Kate shrugged, just wanting him to go away so she could feed Keiko in peace. "It's forgiven, not forgotten, Andre."
He sucked in a breath and rose, turned and wandered off along the sand. Kate fed her hungry baby and watched Andre grow smaller as the distance between them increased. A deep sadness welled inside her. Her old Andre might still exist but the new Andre held sway over the man he was now. And the nascent instincts of this new Andre had been what made him leave her behind.
***
Kate couldn't sleep. She stood in Andre's kitchen, the flagstones cool on the soles of her feet, the silence of a moonless night heavy against her ears. She stared unseeing at the half-finished picture of a Celtic cross on the kitchen table.
When she was tense, painting always helped, especially finger-painting. She could let her mind go, and lose herself in the feel of the paint and the satisfaction of seeing the image emerge from the strokes and colors on the paper.
Tonight the distraction wasn't working. A hurricane of emotions and thoughts swirled around her head. One minute she was drowning in memories of Andre's kiss after the party, the texture of his warm skin under her fingers as she applied his sunscreen, the next a hollow sadness filled her as she relived their disappointing beach trip.
What had she expected? To go back in time as if the last nine years had never happened and become a carefree teenager again? Instead of recapturing the past, the visit had reinforced how much they had both changed and grown apart.
The clock in the sitting room chimed twice. With a sigh, she wondered if she should go back to bed and try to get some sleep before Keiko woke again.
A creak alerted her the kitchen door had opened. Andre entered the room dressed only in gray jersey shorts. Hair disheveled, he blinked sleepily. He ran a hand over his face and glanced down at her picture. "Painting, now?"
Averting her eyes from the temptation of his naked chest, Kate pushed aside memories of how it felt to touch him. "I couldn't sleep. I've got a lot on my mind." She gestured at her painting. "This relaxes me."
"You're still thinking about our conversation on the beach."
Kate simply shrugged. His comment had been a statement not a question.
"I am too." He moved closer, invading her space with his tempting body, teasing to life her senses. "You can trust me to look after you, Kat." He ran a finger across her cheek and held it up with a quirk of his lips to display the green paint he'd wiped off her face.
"I want to trust you. But I'll never feel like I used to, as though the earth would stop turning before you'd let me down."
His head dropped forward and he pinched the bridge of his nose. For long seconds the only sound in the room was the faint ticking of the sitting room clock. "It's tough being superhuman."
"I don't expect you to be—"
"Yes!" Andre's gaze jumped to hers. "You do, Kat. You expect too much. I loved you, and I looked after you the best way a boy can when he's struggling to grow up and understand how the world works. I'm not infallible. I had my own crap to deal with."
Kate stared at Andre, his angry tone snapping her out of the miserable pit of reminiscences she'd wallowed in. "I know you had problems with your father."
"You knew, but you didn't understand. You didn't want to. You expected me to solve all your problems and cope silently with my own."
A flush of guilt washed over Kate's skin. Had she really been like that? "I guess I was too young to understand what you had to deal with," she offered.
"I was only two years older than you, Kat. I was a kid, as well. When I left the island I missed you, but getting away from the stress of living with my father and looking out for you was a revelation. I was free to do my own thing, enjoy myself and not have to worry about anyone else. Maybe I was selfish, but I needed that freedom for a while. I was too young to bear the responsibility for your well-being."
Kate's chest quivered with shock, and she could hardly draw breath. She stepped back and dropped onto a chair. It had never occurred to her that Andre thought of their friendship as a chore, viewed her as a burden. "I'm sorry if that's all I was to you."
Andre crouched in front of her. "Christ, Kate, don't make it sound as though I didn't care. I loved you. But you've got to know it was tough on me. Especially when my father was such a difficult SOB. Just because I went a little crazy for a while when I tasted freedom, don't treat me as if I'm never to be trusted again. I tried to do the right thing. I'm trying now."
Kate leaned forward and pressed her face against his neck. He smelled wonderful, a mix of sea air, forest, and Andre. The way he had always smelled. "I've missed you so much," she whispered.
"I missed you too. Every day." Andre's large comforting hand cradled the side of her face. "I want to be with you. I love you. I've always loved you, but you must take responsibility for yourself and help me out. I can't do it all."
"What do you mean?"
"Take care of yourself, Kate. Make sensible, informed decisions about your life and your career. I know you love your baby, but don't lose yourself in that. Remember who you are and keep hold of that as well. Keiko doesn't define you any more than I did. If you don't look after yourself, you won't be a good mother to Keiko and she needs you."
Kate pushed away from Andre in a flash of anger. "I take good care of her."
"I'm not saying you don't, Kate. But from what you've told me you didn't always make sensible decisions when you were pregnant."
Gritting her teeth, Kate bit back the angry retort on the tip of her tongue. A tiny voice inside her whispered that there was a grain of truth in Andre's comment.
"And I bet you haven't thought about your health much since the birth. Have you kept your postnatal appointments?"
"I was on the run from the press!"
Andre simply gave her one of his looks. Kate pressed a hand over her eyes. Had she really been as unreasonable as Andre made her sound or was this all a smokescreen to divert her from his shortcomings? Even as the thought passed through her mind, she knew she was looking for a way to turn this around on him again.
"Have you had your postnatal examinations, Kate?" Andre persisted.
"No." The word came out grudgingly.
"Tomorrow we go to the doctor's surgery and get you checked over."
Kate leaned forward and Andre gathered her into his arms. He did care about her, but he confused her. She breathed in the smell of Andre's skin and pressed her cheek to his warm shoulder. He had wanted to get away from her, been fed up with taking responsibility for her. But he said he loved her. Now she didn't know what to think.
Chapter Seven
As Andre parked the Jaguar in the small car park next to the health center, Kate stared distractedly at the gray storm clouds. She still couldn't get her head around what Andre had said last night. He loved her. He wanted her to trust him. But he also wanted her to take responsibility for her life. Irritation ticked in her throat at that last part. What did he think she'd been doing for the last few months? She had only resorted to living in the caravan because she had nowhere else to go.
Well, that wasn't quite true. When she split with Dan, she could have gone back to her mother's cap in hand and tried to persuade her stepfather to take her in, but she had never got on with him. He thought she was irresponsible and would no doubt have imposed unreasonable conditions on her living with them.
And even though Andre said he loved her, that didn't soften the blow of discovering he'd considered her a burden. Did that mean every time he protected her from the bullies at school or defied his father to be with her, he had felt resentful? She'd turned this over in her mind constantly since they'd spoken.
The only conclusion she'd come up with was that Andre didn't like the real her. He truly wanted her to become the sophisticated, confident woman he'd tried to create with her new sleek haircut and fashionable outfits. It wasn't just for show; he hoped to change her inside as well as out.
That conclusion brought her back to the fear
Robert Le Court had planted in her mind: she wasn't good enough for Andre. And it broke her heart all over again to know Andre had believed this all along, even as a boy. While she had thought everything between them was perfect, he'd longed for her to change. A hopeless sigh escaped her as she despondently stared at the rain pouring down the windshield.
"Ready, Kat?" Andre said once he'd maneuvered the car close to the doctor's surgery entrance.
"I suppose so."
"Come on. Chin up. The consultation won't be that bad."
The visit to the doctor didn't bother her. Pregnant women quickly got used to being poked and prodded in private places.
She turned around to check Keiko and instantly forgot everything else. Love and joy fluttered in her heart. Her darling baby's sweet little face was a picture of concentration as her green eyes tracked the drips down the glass. Then Kate remembered Andre telling her not to lose herself in Keiko. What the hell did he know about how wonderful it was to be a parent? He didn't understand the magic of having this little person who depended on her completely and nobody else, hers to love and treasure. She wanted to devote her life to looking after Keiko and she didn't care what Andre said. Keiko was the only thing in the world that really mattered.
"Kat," Andre said in his efficient organizing voice. "They make rain covers for Keiko's stroller. You go inside, and I'll shoot over to the baby shop and buy one."
At his words her anger with him dissolved. How could she stay mad when he was thoughtful and kind, especially to Keiko. "I wondered how we were going to protect Keiko from the rain. You must be telepathic."
"I don't think its telepathy, Kat. We're two sensible adults experiencing the same circumstances. The probability of us both noticing a shared problem is high."
She smiled indulgently. She loved the way he found a logical, scientific explanation for everything. "Rationalize it away if you want. I still think it's telepathy."
Andre glanced at the car clock. "Time for your appointment. You run in with Keiko. I'll follow with the stroller. Then I'll go and buy the rain cover. It shouldn't take me more than twenty minutes."
Unbreak My Heart (Childhood Sweethearts Reunited) Page 9