by Kilby, Joan
“Don’t listen to her.” He pasted on a jaunty grin. “Do I look like a guy with a broken heart?”
Taking his question seriously, Katie studied him in the dappled green light filtering through the oak tree. She saw shallow creases between his eyebrows and a mouth that used to laugh a lot more than it did now. She saw that something intangible was missing in his eyes. “You look like a man who hasn’t found what he’s looking for.”
His smile faded. “Maybe I haven’t. But look, stuff happens.” He glanced down at her hand, still nestled in his. In a low voice he asked, “Did I break your heart?”
Her voice was even quieter. “You know you did.”
“Maybe we weren’t ready, have you ever thought of that? You were only a couple of years out of university, in your first teaching job. As for me, surfing wasn’t panning out and I had no idea what else I wanted to do with my life. Then when you got sick, I was scared. Scared of having to watch you die. The way we all watched your mother die.”
“I—”
“But you know what I think? I think your cancer was just a smoke screen, a scapegoat for our breakup—although you made some dumb decisions about your health. Still are, in my opinion.” He held up a hand. “I know. I have no right to tell you how to live your life.”
Not if they weren’t together. Because being committed meant compromise. She’d compromised by going with chemo and radiation therapy when she’d really wanted to pursue unproved, alternative therapies. What concessions had he made? “How could my cancer be a scapegoat? You just said that’s why you left. You couldn’t deal with my illness.”
“Even before you got sick you couldn’t commit to marrying me. Then when you were sick, you wouldn’t do everything possible to get well for us. At least that’s how it appeared to me.” He gazed down at their linked hands. “Sounds selfish to me now. Selfish people aren’t ready to get married.”
“If we truly loved each other what does timing matter?” she said. “If you truly loved me you would have stuck around no matter what.”
“I did love you. I just don’t think you loved me enough to do everything in your power to stay alive.”
How long would he have loved her if she didn’t have any breasts? A virile twenty-seven-year-old surfer surrounded by buxom blondes in bikinis? Even after all these years she feared the answer so much she couldn’t ask the question. There was no point in asking. How could a person reply to that truthfully?
“People grow and change,” he maintained. “What works at one stage of life doesn’t necessarily hold true for always.”
“So me getting sick saved us from the heartbreak of marrying too young and regretting it later. Is that what you’re saying?”
His gaze was steady. “Maybe.”
She felt sick to her stomach. He’d just confirmed everything she’d always suspected. He hadn’t believed in their love the way she had. He hadn’t loved her enough. Maybe that’s why she hadn’t been able to commit.
And yet, she had to acknowledge that she must not have believed in his love if she’d thought he would leave her for a hot surfer chick if she was disfigured.
“Why did you kiss me the other day? Are you playing with me? The way you’ve been playing with women for the past seven years? I’m not like those women.”
“I know that. You kissed me back, don’t forget.”
“Reflexive action.”
“Oh, yeah? How long do you want to keep me dangling on this hook, Katie? Because I’m over it.”
“Dangling? I’ve been clear all along I didn’t want a relationship.”
“Yet you haven’t found anyone else, either. As long as you are available…” He shook his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. You’re right. You were clear. We’re over.”
Exactly what she’d been saying for seven years. So why did it hurt coming from him? Had she kept him dangling, secretly liking that he flirted with her, as if, should she change her mind, she could have him whenever she wanted? Her own motives were as confusing to her as his.
“Why did you kiss me if you didn’t want to deepen our relationship?” She needed to hear him say she meant something to him. Because, like it or not, she was getting in deeper. And she wanted him to go there with her.
“Because you looked beautiful in the porch light. Because your mouth trembled just…” He touched the corner of her lips. “There. Because you were in pain but pretending not to be. You were sweet and strong and vulnerable.” His eyes bored into hers. “I want to kiss you again right now.”
He slid his arm behind her and grabbed the rope on her other side. Then leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. Her lips parted and she tasted champagne on his tongue. The sun burned through the leaves onto her forehead, shoulder and thigh. As the seconds passed all sensation faded but the movement of their mouths together, the slow dance of their tongues, his hand molding her breast…
She didn’t hold back but opened herself to his kiss, moving her hands up his shoulders to loop around his neck. She leaned in, showing him there was still a spark. More than a spark. Desire flared, hot and sweet.
He drew back, his eyes hot and serious. “Oh, Katie.”
Her heart was pounding. It felt as if they were on the cusp of something important. If only they had the courage to make the leap from dancing around feelings to declaring them.
From the leafy branches of the tree came a giggle.
“What was that?” Katie asked, craning her neck.
“Tuti,” John said, sliding off the swing. “Is that you?”
Tuti poked her head out of the leaves and giggled again.
“Come down from there.” John dragged a hand down his face. “Jeez. That kid.”
There was a rustling and a second later Tuti swung down from a lower branch and dropped to the ground. A leaf was stuck in her hair and her pink party dress was dusted with bits of bark.
“You little monkey.” Laughing, John tried to grab her.
She scampered away, giggling, and disappeared around the hedge.
John let her go. “At least she came down this time when I asked her to.” He returned to the swing again and pushed off, setting them in motion.
Katie clutched the rope to keep her balance, leaning back to look up at the layers of green. Like the leaves on the tree a million questions surrounded their relationship. But they all boiled down to the one thing. Did she want to take a chance on falling in love with him again? Oh, who was she kidding? She was already falling in love with him. The real question was, should she say something?
“Stop, I’m getting dizzy.”
“Pansy ass.” But he stopped pumping. Gradually the swing slowed.
There was no easy answer. The intense moment following the kiss had passed without clarifying matters. In the aftermath she was only more confused about her feelings. And his. He’d more or less confirmed that he hadn’t found what he was looking for. But why, when he seemed to have it all, at least on the career front?
“I never congratulated you on making senior sergeant and becoming the big cheese around the Summerside Police Department.”
If he was surprised at the change of subject he didn’t let on. Maybe he was relieved. “That happened over a year ago.”
“We haven’t talked much.”
He threw her a glance as if to say, Whose fault is that?
“So, do you like the position?” she persisted.
His gaze turned wary. “What made you bring
that up? Has Riley said something?”
“No.” Why was he so cagey? Had she touched on a nerve? “It’s just not the sort of job I ever envisaged you doing.”
He started the swing going again, gently. “I like being a cop. I probably wouldn’t mind being a detective. But just between you and me, paperwork sucks big-time.”
“Tell me about it. I love teaching but administration tasks eat up more and more of classroom time. But you’re running your own show. Can’t you delegate or something?”
“To who? To get back on active duty I’d need to move to an even smaller station in the outback where I could be chief cook and bottle-washer.” His head lifted, as if he was actually considering it and could smell the freedom of it.
Katie felt oddly panicky at the thought of John not living in Summerside. He’d always been here. He was a fixture. Who would keep the town safe if he wasn’t in charge? “Would you do that? Leave Summerside and your family and friends?”
“I don’t know.” He started swinging again. “There’s Tuti to think of now. And also—” He stopped to look at her, searching her face.
“Also…?” Was he going to say something about them? Did she want him to? Yes, her heart cried. No, her mind responded. He’d basically said it himself—they’d grown up and moved on. It was too late for them. Wasn’t it?
While she waited, breath held, he glanced away and the moment passed.
When he spoke again, his voice was neutral and even. “What about you? Are you going to continue teaching now that you’ve got a big book contract?”
“It’s too soon to quit my day job. I have no idea if I’ll make enough money to support myself. In some ways I’d love to write full-time. But I’m afraid I’d miss teaching.”
“You work too hard.”
“Yes, and I should be getting back to it.” She glanced at her watch. “Weekends are the only time I can put in long periods of uninterrupted writing.”
“Don’t go yet.” He touched her arm. “We’re going to play cricket with the kids.”
She laughed. “I can hardly run around on the grass.”
“You could keep score.” Lightly, he stroked her cheek. “Stay. Please? Tuti would like it. I would like it.”
While she dithered, lost in his eyes, a woman came around the hedge. Tall and willowy, with flowing blond hair, she glanced at Katie briefly then her gaze rested on John. “Are you John? Paula sent me to find you. Your mother wants to get the cricket game going and for you to organize the kids.”
“Sure,” John said easily, turning on the dimples. “This is Katie. You must be one of Paula’s Carlton friends.”
“That’s right. I’m Candice,” the woman said, flicking her hair back. “How did you guess?”
“I’m a cop. Must be my training.”
Katie stared at him. Oh, please. Anyone John didn’t know was unlikely to be local. Anyone who was a friend of Paula’s most likely came from Carlton, where she’d lived before Summerside. This wasn’t detective work; this was…flirting.
“Let me guess....” John looked Candice up and down, tapping a finger to his chin. “Senior Constable?”
Katie almost snorted in disgust. Since Paula was a cop, her friends were most likely cops. Too easy.
“Wrong.” The blonde threw her head back and laughed. “I’m a massage therapist. Paula and I went through an intensive course together.”
“Interesting,” John murmured. “Do you play cricket?”
“I love cricket,” Candice said.
This had gone on long enough. Katie rose suddenly. The swing tipped. John slid off the wooden board. “Oh, look at the time. I’ve got to go.”
“Katie?” John scrambled to find his feet.
“You go ahead and play cricket. I need to work, anyway.” Katie limped over to her crutches propped against the tree. She couldn’t compete with a blonde, beautiful, cricket-playing massage therapist. Nor did she want to try. John was only hanging out with her to kill time or because he felt guilty about his mother’s rudeness or because he wanted to keep in her good books for Tuti’s sake....
“Katie, come back,” John called. “You can watch.”
“No, that’s all right.” He meant watch the cricket but what she’d really be watching if she stuck around was John flirting with Candice. She shouldn’t mind—he was a free agent and she was used to him carrying on.
But she did mind. The green-eyed monster had taken her over. Had she really thought he might want to renew their relationship? Ridiculous. He’d as much as said he’d only kissed her on impulse. He’d simply had another impulse today. She wasn’t his type, never had been, even though she’d tried to keep up. He was a people person. She needed alone time. He was a natural athlete. She struggled with most athletics.
As she moved away, she glanced over her shoulder. He was standing by the swing, looking torn. If he had any feeling for her at all, even friendship enough not to want to see her humiliated, he would come after her.
“Your girlfriend is leaving. Aren’t you going after her?” Candice’s amused voice carried across the lawn.
“She’s not actually—” He groaned. “Katie, wait up.”
* * *
KATIE FLUNG THE crutches forward, felt them bite into the soft ground and swung forward a giant step. No, she wasn’t his girlfriend. That’s the way she wanted it. But hearing it come out of his mouth, to an attractive woman he’d just been flirting with, was infuriating.
She could travel surprisingly fast on the crutches. But not fast enough to outrun John.
“Katie, stop!” John stepped between her and the gate, lifting her hand away from the bolt she was trying to wriggle loose. “Why are you running away?”
“I’m not running. I’m leaving because I’m tired and I want to go home. Is that reason enough?”
“What was going on back there? You weren’t jealous of me talking to Candice, were you?” He dared to sound amused.
“No,” she said automatically, because she would never admit it. “I need to work. Excuse me.”
He didn’t budge. “You were fine until I was called away from you. As soon as you weren’t the focus of my attention you wanted to leave.”
“Oh, come on. I’m not that immature.”
“I don’t know that it’s immature, just… What the hell, it is immature.”
Didn’t he know it was embarrassing for a woman when a guy she’s with flirts with another woman? But that presumed they were a couple. And they weren’t.
But she wanted them to be.
“If you want me to stay, then sit with me. Let someone else organize the cricket.” Don’t flirt with any girl who walks by. “Do you really want to play?”
“Well…” Again, he looked torn. And annoyed. “Why do I have to choose? It’s like you’re testing me. And I’m pretty sure I’m going to fail. If I haven’t already.”
“Testing you? Don’t be ridiculous.” Of course she wasn’t testing him. But if he couldn’t even give her his undivided attention for a couple of hours then he must not like her very much. She’d kissed him back, leaving no doubt how much she wanted him. She’d made herself vulnerable and then he’d…left. Not physically but he might as well have, the way he’d zoomed his attention in on Candice.
“This is my parents’ house,” John argued. “Tuti is my daughter and I’m a co-host. If there’s a cricket game I should be playing. It’s only polite.”
“You’re right. I’m probabl
y just tired. You do what you need to do.” She tried to sound as if she didn’t care, as if she wasn’t testing him, and that the outcome didn’t matter to her one way or the other. When in reality, it mattered too much. “I need to work anyway.”
“You need to take it easy. To relax for a change. If you don’t want to watch cricket, at least go home and rest.”
“Sure, I’ll do that.”
“Will you, or are you just saying that?”
“I said I would.” But of course she wouldn’t. She had deadlines. But she hated confrontation. She wasn’t used to fighting. In her family if people disagreed they quickly dropped the discussion. John seemed to want to argue. How did anyone live like that? “Thanks for the party. Say goodbye to Tuti for me.”
He slid the bolt back and held the gate open for her. Katie moved down the path along the side of the house and around to the front. She was confused and upset and not entirely sure why. It wasn’t really about Candice. She knew John was unlikely to start anything with her when he was so focused on Tuti. Katie hadn’t exactly pried but she had her sources and the word was, John hadn’t gone out with anyone since he’d brought his daughter home from Bali.
John was following her. “I didn’t pass, did I? Back then when you had cancer. I failed spectacularly.”
“Yes, you did,” she said through gritted teeth as she negotiated a couple of steps down to the driveway. “Any man who really loved a woman would have stuck by her. You said you wanted to marry me. What are the wedding vows again? In sickness and in health?”
“It seemed to me you were choosing sickness.”
“What nonsense.” There was no way they would resolve this because they both thought they were right…even though she was and he wasn’t. “Never mind. That was all a long time ago.”
“Yes, it was.” He was waiting for her at the bottom of the steps, blocking the way to her car. “But unless we talk about it we won’t come to an agreement.”
“You’re arguing, not talking. You seem to thrive on it.”