by Kilby, Joan
John was great that way. At the cottage he’d gone out of his way to give her time to write, making meals, bringing her cups of coffee and snacks. If he needed to find himself on Tinman Island, she wanted him to feel free to do that. She wished she could go with him, support him, but…
“Every couple fights at times,” Paula said, breaking into her thoughts. “It’s natural. When you don’t air your grievances but keep everything bottled up inside, that’s when your relationship is in trouble.”
“Do you guys fight?” Katie looked from Paula to Riley, not prepared to believe it for a second.
“Yes, even we fight.” Riley rolled his eyes. “You should see how pissy she gets when I leave my socks on the floor.”
“That’s not fighting.” Katie waved away Riley’s attempt at lightening the atmosphere. “The last time John and I had a big fight we didn’t see each other for seven years. What if that happens again?”
“What did he do that was so horrible?” Paula asked.
Katie ticked off the crimes on her fingers. “He wouldn’t support my medical choices. He left me on my near-death bed. He went straight to another woman’s arms, had a child and went on to become a womanizer.”
Even as she spoke she realized it was all a long time ago. And in many ways, her actions had led to his actions.
He’d changed. She’d changed. How long was she going to hang on to the past?
“But you’ve fallen in love with each other again. That’s got to mean something,” Paula said. “Surely you can forgive and forget.”
“He’s moving away,” she said. “He’ll forget me.”
And with that, the fear came flooding back. She knew she was being irrational. She tried instead to think of the fun times—of which there were plenty—but she’d been in this mind-set for so long it was hard to break free.
Riley shook his head. “You are the most confident woman I know besides Paula—except when it comes to John. I just don’t get it. What’s holding you back? The guy is crazy about you. Always has been.”
“Yeah, well…” She didn’t get it, either. “He hasn’t called me since we got back from the cottage.”
“He knows you’ve been busy getting your book finished.” Paula pushed her plate away and wiped her fingers on a napkin. “You should call him.”
“Don’t screw the guy around,” Riley said. “He loves you.”
Katie reached for the spring roll again. Riley grabbed the box and held it aloft. “Not till you say you’ll call John.”
She withdrew her hand. “Changed my mind. I don’t want any more spring rolls.” When Riley lowered the box she grabbed a piece. “Ha-ha.”
“Siblings. Honestly. How old are you two?” Paula rolled her eyes. “Makes me glad I’m an only child.”
Riley slung an arm around her shoulders and hauled her close to plant a smacking kiss on her cheek. “You know you don’t mean that. Katie’s your sister now. You can give her crap whenever you want.”
Paula pinched his cheek, the full wattage of love shining in her eyes. Looking on, Katie’s heart ached with happiness for them and envy for herself. She wanted some of what they had. She threw a crumpled napkin at her brother. “Hey, get a room.”
Riley and Paula drew apart sheepishly.
She’d experienced deep love with John. Her greatest longing was for it to be a lasting love. If only fear didn’t get in her way. She rubbed her gritty eyes and stifled a yawn. Her book was done. Maybe all she needed was a good night’s sleep and she would feel normal again.
“Do you guys mind if I call it a night?” She stifled another yawn. “I’m really tired.”
As she was showing them out, Riley asked, “So, will you call John?”
“I don’t know.” She had a lot to think about. It seemed to her that her problems were bigger than what had happened between her and John. Was it possible she’d completely misinterpreted the nature of her parents’ love and marriage?
Could she be the one searching for a love that was unattainable?
* * *
“JOHN, JOHN!” Patty rushed into his office on Monday morning, waving an envelope. She stopped short in the doorway, her red curls bouncing, and tried to look contrite. “I mean, Senior Sergeant Forster.”
“It’s okay.” John glanced up from the stack of paperwork he was wading through, the flotsam and jetsam of a week away from the office. An envelope. If he’d been successful with the Tinman Island job he would have got a phone call from Queensland late Friday. No word had come through. Had Barkin sent a letter instead? Snail mail didn’t bode well.
“What is it?” As calmly as he could he held out his hand.
“It’s a letter from the Chief Commissioner.” Patty gave him the letter then waited in front of his desk, her hands clasped, the toes of her high heels tilting together. “Are you going to open it? Is this the job you applied for? We’re going to miss you, boss.”
“Settle down, Patty. It’s from the Victorian state government, not Queensland.” John slit open the envelope. “It’s probably the memo accompanying the quarterly budget, telling me to cut back on postage stamps.”
“Oh.” Patty’s face fell. “I saw the government logo and thought… Would you like a coffee? I can run to the bakery for one of those pastries you like. Boss?”
John scanned the letter from the Department of Government Services. “I don’t believe it.”
“I can take the mail around to local addresses on my lunch break to save on postage if that would help,” Patty said.
“Thank you, Patty, but that won’t be necessary.” John glanced up and grinned. “The building extension I applied for has been approved in the rush of government spending leading up to the election. To go with the new offices, we’ll get five uniformed officers, two detectives and two admin staff.”
Patty clapped her hands together. “And air-conditioning?”
“And air-conditioning,” John said expansively. “Go spread the word. The dark days are over.”
Patty hurried out. He could hear her excited squeals in the bull pen through his open office door.
Well. He’d applied for the upgrade to Summerside Police Department’s facilities and staffing two years ago. Finally, it had come through. It wasn’t the kind of challenge he’d been hoping for but if he stayed in town he would have his hands full in the next few years overseeing the building and the expansion of his force. Once everything was up and running a promotion would very likely be in order for him.
He could stay in Summerside. See where things went with Katie. Would she say yes to his marriage proposal if they were going to live here in the village?
He didn’t know how long the phone had been ringing when the sound finally penetrated. Automatically he reached for the handset. “Hello?”
“John.” It was the deep, bluff voice of Allan Barkin.
Here it came, the you-were-close-but-no-cigar speech. Well, he had a consolation prize—both the addition to the station and Katie.
So why did he feel let down?
He almost didn’t hear what District Commissioner Barkin said. “I’m sorry. Could you repeat that?”
Barkin cleared his throat. “I said, the selection panel has unanimously decided to offer you the position of Commander of Tinman Island Police Department. If you’re still interested in the job.”
“I—” John leaned back, running a hand over his jaw. “Thank you, sir. It’s an honor to be considered let alone be offered the job.”
/> “I detect some hesitation, Senior Sergeant.”
“It’s all happened very suddenly. I have…family matters I need to consider. Could I have a day to think about it?”
“I understand. Well, you’re aware of our time constraints. Let me know by this time tomorrow. Since it’ll be Saturday I’ll give you my private number.”
“I’ll do that.” John rose to his feet, resisting the urge to salute his empty office. “And thank you again, sir.”
He hung up and blinked dazedly. First the expansion approval. Now this. It never just rains, it pours.
He had overnight to decide. He picked up the phone to call Katie. Then hesitated. She’d already given him her answer. She wanted to stay in Summerside. The receiver clattered back into the cradle. No, this was something he had to figure out for himself.
He spent an uncomfortably wakeful night tossing and turning. Katie or Tinman Island? A professional and personal challenge or the love of his life? Even if he gave up Tinman Island for Katie there was no guarantee she would marry him.
Saturday morning he was rattling around his town house like the last bean in a jar, no closer to making a decision than yesterday. He would end up flipping a coin if he didn’t get out of the house. There was nothing worse for a man of action than to be wavering over what to do. He couldn’t think cooped up. He needed fresh air, open water.
He called his mother and told her his good news, getting the job at Tinman Island and the funds to expand Summerside police station.
“Congratulations,” Alison said enthusiastically. “Which are you going to choose?”
“That’s my big dilemma. I have to make a decision quickly and I need to think. Could you do me a favor and look after Tuti for the afternoon? I’d like—” Bowing his head, he pinched the bridge of his nose. “No, I need to go surfing.”
“Bring her over anytime,” Alison said. “I’ll be here.”
“I don’t want to go to Grandma’s house,” Tuti complained all the way there in the car. “Can’t I stay with Katie?”
“You haven’t seen Grandma in over a week. She misses you. Katie needs time to herself. She’s been working a lot lately.”
“I wouldn’t be any trouble,” Tuti said earnestly.
“I know. But you’re still going to Grandma’s.” He glanced in the rearview mirror at her. “She loves you, sweetie. Be nice.”
Tuti sighed. “I try, Bapa.”
At the house, John carried her backpack and held her hand up the walk, giving her words of encouragement. The door opened. He tensed, hoping his mother wouldn’t expect Tuti to run into her arms.
But Alison kissed his cheek and merely smiled at Tuti before stepping back to let them in. “Have you got time for a coffee?”
“I’d rather get going if you don’t mind,” John said from the doorstep. “There’s a three-meter break at Gunnamatta.”
Alison turned back to Tuti. “I’m going to make scones. You can help me if you like. Or you can play on the trampoline. You decide.”
Tuti hesitated, glanced at her father then back at her grandmother. “Scones?”
John smiled and bent to hug his daughter. “Good girl. I’ll see you later this afternoon.”
Tuti ran down the hall to the kitchen. Alison watched her fondly, and then turned back to John. Her expression changed as she peered into his face. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m fine. I just need a day to myself, clear my head.”
“Things not going well with Katie?”
“You never liked her much, did you?”
“I adored her until she hurt you.” Alison paused. “But even I have to admit, you’ve been happier this past month than I’ve seen you in years. Or maybe Tuti has caused the change.”
“Tuti’s part of it. But so is Katie. I feel as if I’ve grown up at the ripe old age of thirty-five, if that makes any sense. Katie doesn’t know it but it’s partly because of her that I applied for the job in Tinman Island. I wanted a fresh start.” He gave a bitter chuckle. “Ironic considering the job might separate us.”
Alison leaned on the doorjamb and gave him a commiserating look. “She won’t go with you?”
“She’s afraid we’re not compatible. And she doesn’t trust me after what happened seven years ago. We had a fight at the beach house and now she thinks that’s the end because I didn’t make up the way she thinks we should make up. I didn’t talk things through and resolve the issues in minute detail.”
His mother shook her head. “If your father and I split up every time we had a fight we wouldn’t have lasted a week.” She paused. “Although I must say, it bothers me that your dad won’t talk things through. I know it looks as if I don’t either but I would if I had any other choice. Your father thinks having sex is conflict resolution. Women need words, we need reassurance.”
“Hmm.” John winced a little, partly because her words hit home and partly because he didn’t want to talk to his mother about her sex life. Or his. “She’s scared I’ll let her down again. I don’t know what I can do to prove that I won’t.”
“There’s nothing you can do. She either believes in you or she doesn’t. She either knows you well enough by now…or she never will.”
“Do you think I should stay in Summerside for her sake?”
“I think you need to do what you want.”
“Isn’t marriage about compromise?”
“Yes, but with Katie…will anything you do ever be enough?”
“You’re good at answering questions with questions,” he said, frustrated.
Alison gave him a hug. “I can’t tell you what to do. What if I’m wrong? Take all the time you need for surfing. Tuti and I will be fine.” She hesitated. “One thing I do give Katie credit for—she taught me how to relate better to Tuti.”
John got back in his vehicle, his surfboard strapped to the roof rack, and headed for the beach. It occurred to him halfway there that Katie had done the same for him.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
AT GUNNAMATTA SURF beach John paddled out beyond the breaking waves to where three other surfers sat on their boards, waiting for a big one. A stiff breeze whipped the frothy tops off the waves. Gulls wheeled overhead. He’d barely gotten into position when a wall of blue water rose up behind him. Facedown on his board, he paddled and kicked, picking up speed. Then the wave lifted his board. He got to his knees and then into a crouch, arms outspread.
As he skimmed along the crest of the wave, he savored the wind in his hair, the fresh salt spray on his face. Water had always been healing for him. Something about the leveling nature of water and the vastness of the ocean put his problems in perspective.
He rode the wave all the way to shore, hopping off as the water turned to foam on the sand. Then he paddled back out and did it all over again.
Around midafternoon the waves petered out. He was ready to break for lunch then anyway. He bought fish and chips from the kiosk and went back to his towel on the sand. With nothing between him and his thoughts, he stared out to sea.
What was he going to do about Katie? He’d tried so hard for so many years. Maybe she was right and their core beliefs were too different to mesh over the long term. But he’d held on to the hope of being with her all these years, even when he thought he just wanted to be her friend. Truth was, he’d never stopped loving her, and that hoping had become a habit.
She was the only thing in his life he’d ever lost that he truly cared about. Except for Katie’s
mother, Mary, but that wasn’t the same. Maybe by trying to have a relationship with Katie, he’d held her back from moving on and building a life without him.
They certainly had different beliefs when it came to parenting. She was by the book. He was all about instinct. That applied to other areas of their lives. She was controlled, cautious, constantly hedging her bets with vitamins and health foods. Oh, he made sure he ate fairly well and got plenty of exercise but she was fanatical about it. He had to admit, though, she did take good care of herself even if it wasn’t the way he would do it. With Tuti, Katie relied on what the experts said instead of her own excellent instincts. She just didn’t trust herself to do the right thing naturally. No, that wasn’t quite true. She thought there was one correct method and she had to do that or else disaster would strike. Not only that, everyone else had to abide by the correct “rules” whatever they were. Whereas he was more a play-it-by-ear kind of guy.
He drained the last of his cola and crumpled the can in one hand. So where did that leave him? He didn’t want to make her unhappy.
But he did want a family. Since Tuti had come into his life he’d realized just how much he liked children. To be honest, at first he’d resented her presence in his life, turning his bachelor pad upside down. Now he couldn’t imagine being without her. Her rapid and deep attachment to Katie wasn’t surprising—she’d just lost her mother and Katie, while not a substitute, was a warm and caring woman who loved children, and Tuti in particular. Maybe he shouldn’t have let Tuti get so close to Katie but in hindsight it was hard to see how he could have avoided that.
Katie didn’t want to leave Summerside. He couldn’t blame her for that. She wasn’t the same as him, didn’t have the same need for physical challenge and adventure. To her the pleasures of life came from more homey pursuits. If she couldn’t come with him maybe she didn’t love him enough.