by Lex Martin
I pour myself a glass of water in the kitchen as Jax asks Travis where he’s going. Travis scoffs, and I can almost see him rolling his eyes behind me. “Dad, I already told you. I’m catching up with a hot piece of ass I hooked up with last year.”
I turn and shoot Travis a look, pleading for him not to leave, and he shakes his head. What the hell?
“Text me the address,” Jax says gruffly.
“Good lord, you’re a pain in the ass.” Travis digs his phone out of his pocket and thumbs out a text before he heads for the door.
“When will you be back?” I ask. I don’t know if I can do this, be alone with Jax. Doesn’t Travis understand that?
“Don’t wait up, sweets.” Travis saunters toward the door and blows me a kiss before he disappears out the front door.
What the hell?
I look up and Jax is staring at me, the tension between us palpable. “Make yourself at home,” I say as I start to head back to my room.
He grabs my arm. “We need to talk. I need to apologize.” His hands run up to my shoulders, and I stare at our feet. My fuzzy hot pink slippers look silly next to his black combat boots. I’ve never seen him in combat boots before, but he could wear a paper sack and look amazing. The boots make him seem edgy and dark. Intense.
Even though he looks tired and a little out of his element, he still looks incredible. His jaw is scruffy as he obviously hasn’t shaved in a few days, and his lean muscular frame fills out his faded jeans and plaid flannel like he’s some kind of Calvin Klein lumberjack.
Closing my eyes, I try to shake some sense into my head.
His finger tilts my head up, forcing me to look at him.
“Danielle.”
Hearing him say my name makes the few brain cells I didn’t kill with alcohol scatter.
“Baby, I’m so sorry.” His blue eyes are dark and intense. He grips me tighter. “You should hate me. I know that.”
I pull out of his grasp and turn away, remembering all the ways he’s hurt me. “What are you sorry for, Jax? For leaving me in your room after we almost had sex to run off with another girl? Or for thinking that I’m some horrible person who could be bought off?”
He steps closer until I sense him standing right behind me. “I had nothing to do with that non-disclosure. My mother is a bitch, and this is how she deals with anything that doesn’t go her way. She buys people off. I swear I didn’t know anything until that camp director thanked me for the donation.”
I swallow even though my mouth feels like sandpaper. “You weren’t supposed to find out about that. It was supposed to be anonymous.”
He chuckles, but I’m not sure why any of this is funny. “Babe, you gave the man thirty thousand dollars and then caught a bus. That’s not exactly how these kind of donations are made.”
Right. Because I don’t know jack shit about how to be a rich person. Crossing my arms over my chest, I shake my head. “Sorry, if I embarrassed you. I’m just the riffraff who doesn’t know how to live among the elite.”
I start to walk off, and he grabs me again. The next thing I know, he spins me around, and I’m caught between his arms as he braces himself against the counter.
“That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” he growls. He closes his eyes and stands there, still, and I watch his chest rise and fall. “Fuck, this is not going the way I intended.” He steps back and runs his hands through his hair again and exhales. “Look, I am a dick. I have no excuse for anything I did, but I want you at least know why it happened.”
The plaintive look in his eyes undermines my resolve, and I nod.
He takes a deep breath. “That morning when we were almost together, I remembered what happened at the club.” He stops and looks down.
My conscience twinges. I should have told him.
He says, “I guess I freaked because I couldn’t figure out why you wouldn’t say something about that, especially after all the time we spent together. I started to think of you as a friend, and I don’t have girls who are friends, so thinking you had this secret kind of threw me.” He looks away. “I don’t expect you to understand, but I have a long history of not being able to trust beautiful women.”
He thinks I’m beautiful.
Shut it, Dani. Focus on what matters here.
He shoves his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “When I came back that day after Nick interrupted us in the kitchen, I thought we’d talk and I’d explain, but you were gone.”
That snaps me back to reality. “Did you seriously expect me to stay when you left with another girl? Jax, that was so fucking humiliating.” Hello, I was basically spreadeagle on your table! I scream in my head.
I stalk past him to the other side of the kitchen where I stare at the small stained-glass butterflies decorating the window frame. Those were my mom’s favorites. What am I going to do with her butterflies? My stomach turns when I realize I have to go through all of her belongings.
Jax clears his throat. “Nothing happened with that other girl, Danielle. I swear. I was upset, and I overreacted. I guess I was hurt, and I wanted to hurt you.”
I turn around, livid. “Sure, because those two situations totally equate.” I huff out a breath wondering how my omission even compares to him leaving me the day we almost had sex in his kitchen. “I didn’t tell you because I was embarrassed. You didn’t remember me from the club, and nearly every time I saw you thereafter, you had a girl draped across you. And then there was your sister, and she hates everyone you date.” I tighten arms over my chest. “I had just moved in with her, and all I heard was how you had a reputation for one-night stands with slutty girls, so forgive me if I didn’t volunteer that I willingly stood in that line.”
His eyebrows furrow. “But why didn’t you say anything after the car accident?”
I bite my lip, not wanting to say what’s been holding me back from telling him the truth.
“Dani?”
Exhaling loudly, I look up at him. He’s standing in the middle of my mom’s kitchen, and she’s gone, and it feels so surreal, I want to smash something. “Have you looked at me lately, Jax?”
He frowns and starts to say something, but I cut him off.
“I almost told you on Thanksgiving, but I liked how well we got along, how you felt like a friend, how we laughed over sports and goofed around, and I didn’t want to screw that up. Then after we started to mess around, I really didn’t want to fuck it up. It was fun being with you. It felt like we clicked in so many ways.”
I swallow, forcing myself to get to the heart of the problem. “Jax, you date tall, gorgeous women.” Glamazons. “Models, actresses, heiresses. Blondes with big boobs and long legs. Girls who are aggressive and catty.” Turning back to the window, I watch fresh snow begin to fall. “I’m not saying I’m ugly, and I’m not fishing for compliments, but it’s hard not to be insecure and think maybe you were slumming it because I look like the exact opposite of the women you date.”
“I don’t date,” he says firmly.
My eyes drop. Ouch.
I nod, realizing my mistake. Damn it. I bite my lip again. I will not cry any more over you, Jax Avery. I should be crying over my dead mother whose funeral I can’t afford or the fact that I don’t have the money to go back to school in Boston. Because even though my mom had life insurance, it won’t pay out for a few months, and there’s no way I can afford the mortgage and tuition with what’s left in our savings after the funeral costs.
Forcing myself to finish this godawful conversation and be done with him, I take a deep breath, but then he whispers, “Or at least I didn’t before you.”
My heart beats a crazy rhythm in my chest as his hands come up and grab my shoulders, turning me to face him.
I focus my attention on his plaid flannel shirt. It’s buttoned up wrong, and an extra button waves at the bottom of the fabric.
“Look at me.” He tilts my chin up. “I didn’t drive a thousand miles to have you insult yourself.” He laughs an
d shakes his head. “Babe, I’ve had a crush on you all fall.”
He laughs again when he sees the confusion on my face. “I couldn’t understand why I wanted to kick Brady’s ass when we went rock climbing and I saw him put his hands all over you. I couldn’t get over how you felt like you were mine.” He runs his hands up and down my arms until goosebumps prickle my skin. “But I guess what happened at the club would explain my possessiveness of you.” He smiles, and it’s so warm and sweet that it melts my anger just a little.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “And that was before we really spent time together. Before we watched scary movies and sports and laughed our asses off over Thanksgiving. Before we curled up on the couch together and I realized how much I loved waking up with you in my arms.” He clears his throat. “Look, I know I’ve done everything wrong, and you have no reason to talk to me, but I want to make it up to you.”
Part of me is jumping for joy at his declaration, but I don’t want to get burned again, and I have a hard time believing he’d be able to withstand the temptation of a tall, busty woman.
He must sense my reservation, and he asks, “Can we sit down? There are a few more things I need to say. If you still want to kick my ass when I’m finished, you can throw me out, and I’ll never bother you again. Just so you know, I plan to grovel, so hopefully you won’t toss me out into that fucking Arctic weather.”
I let out a weak laugh and nod. He smiles, leans down and kisses my forehead, and it’s so tender it makes me catch my breath.
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
- Jax-
I take Dani’s hand and lead her to the couch in the living room. She automatically sits as far away from me as possible. I can tell how much I’ve hurt her, and everything inside of me screams to make this right.
“I’ve never told anyone this story.” I wonder where to begin as I rub the back of my neck.
She fidgets in her seat. “We don’t have to do this now if you’re uncomfortable.”
That right there is why I adore this girl. She never pushes or pries. She lets me be me.
I shake my head. “I want to tell you, so you can see why I’m such a fuckup. I know my sister seems to think I’ve had a revolving door of women in my life, but I did once have a girlfriend.”
That catches Dani’s attention and her back straightens.
“During my senior year of high school, Giselle and I dated for several months.” I take in the shocks of red hair that overlay Dani’s dark mane. I want to touch her, run my fingers through her thick locks. Instead, I lace my hands together. “She had dark brown hair and was petite.” Like you.
I watch her reaction—a mixture of confusion and curiosity—settle across her delicate features, and I let myself remember, something I never do except to harden myself.
“By that spring, I thought I loved her, but we were going to different schools on the East Coast.” The memory is bittersweet, and I want to shut this shit down before it begins to hurt, but I want Dani to see me for who I really am. “We used to jump in my car and drive for hours and talk and listen to music and escape. Her parents were pretty strict, and my parents were never around, but when they were, they were assholes. And I needed to clear my head. Something about Giselle clicked for me. She was smart and beautiful, and she made me laugh and forget about how empty I usually felt.”
Licking my lips, I get ready to slice myself open. “One day, she came over. She said she had some news. I thought she had gotten a scholarship. Her family didn’t have a lot of money, and she was still figuring out how to pay for school.” I rub my jaw, hating how the hurt still sits like a weight on my chest. “But she had been crying. Her face was splotchy and pale.” I swallow, my mouth dry. “She told me she was pregnant.”
Dani’s eyes widen. “Holy shit. That’s heavy.”
“Can you believe I told her I wanted to keep it?”
She looks at me with warmth in her eyes. “Yes, actually, I can see that.”
“I had some fucked-up idea that we could work it out, that we could be the family I never had.” I roll my eyes, letting the anger settle over me. “I mean, it was my baby, my son or my daughter. How could I not want to keep it?” I stop and listen to the clock in the hallway and prepare for the worst part. “When she came to me a few days later, she looked so heartbroken.” I clear my throat again, surprised that this still stings so badly after four years. “She told me she lost the baby.”
Dani whispers, “I’m so sorry.” I know she means it, and I close my eyes, grateful that I can tell her.
A bitter laugh escapes me. “It was a lie. She had an abortion.”
“Oh my God, Jax.”
I tighten my jaw, waiting for the rage to subside. “I thought her parents had made her do it. That made sense, them wanting her to go to college and not be tied down. Except I don’t think they ever found out.” My stomach clenches at the memory. “A few days later, one of the rare times my mother was around, she asked about Giselle, which was so fucking weird. My mother never gave a shit about the girls I went out with. She was usually too busy running her company or making my dad’s life miserable to pay attention to anything I did. I didn’t even think she knew my girlfriend’s name.”
The only shit that ever reaches my mother’s radar are things that affect her. I rarely make the top ten on her list.
“I’ll never forget how she fucking ruined me over a cup of coffee. One of our housekeepers must have overheard me and Giselle talking about the pregnancy earlier that week and told my mom.” I shake my head. “My mother said Giselle was lying, and it was like she was speaking another damn language. It didn’t even occur to me that she was talking about the miscarriage.”
I’d stood there like a total dumbass, at first grateful for my mother’s time, thinking she must really care about me to talk. I must have been delusional. “She smiled. She fucking smiled at me when she told me she knew what was going on with me and Giselle. And then she said my girlfriend had an abortion.”
“Jesus.” Dani tenses next to me.
“That’s not the worst part. No, that’s when my mother said she paid for it along with Giselle’s tuition to Georgetown.”
Dani gasps, her hand covering her mouth.
“I still remember it so clearly. I was the jackass who wanted to tell Giselle I loved her and that we’d figure out a way to work this out while she lied to me and aborted my kid.”
I hang my head, fighting to keep my shit together. Hate fills me. Hate for the woman who claims to be my parent, and hate for the girl I thought I loved. Hate for what they did and how I let all of that turn me into who I am now. “Then my mother had the balls to tell me I should thank her because Giselle would have ruined my life and ruined my family’s reputation.”
I don’t know how long I sit there contemplating how much I fucking despise these people, Giselle for shredding my heart and my mother for handing her the knife.
Dani’s hand grabs mine, and I shake my head at the memories. “That’s when I totally went off partying. That summer after high school was the worst. I was a mess. And no amount of drinking or screwing around made it better. It wasn’t until I was arrested for vandalism that shit got serious.”
We sit in silence as I collect my thoughts. “You know what’s fucked up? How each time I got close to the edge—got in trouble or got so wasted I passed out—a part of me wondered if this would be it. If that was what would get my mom to give a shit.”
Dani’s fingers twine through mine, but she doesn’t say anything.
“My mother eventually got tired of the theatrics, but not because she cared. She had a merger coming up. She didn’t want to look bad in front of her colleagues. Her answer was to throw cash at me to shut the fuck up. So we made a deal. I’d graduate from college and go to law school, and she’d never say shit about what I spent as long as I didn’t get arrested again or embarrass her publicly. “
I swallow. “But there’s nothing she can do to get me to forgive
her for how she interfered with Giselle.”
The wind blows outside, and the trees scratch at the house.
“Maybe your mother thought she really was helping you,” Dani says softly.
“Like she thought she was helping me with that non-disclosure?” I turn to look at Dani, and she stills. She doesn’t know how to make sense of my family because her mother actually loved her. It’s hard not to. My heart squeezes in my chest, wanting to kick my ass for not chasing down this girl the moment she tried to leave my apartment.
Dani frowns, her lower lip pushing out slightly. “I was pissed when I got that contract, but in retrospect, I see why she did it. She runs a multi-million-dollar company, and you’re her son, her heir. It’s probably the smart move. It would keep you out of the tabloids and ensure your privacy.”
“Her privacy,” I correct. It never has anything to do with me.
“I wouldn’t have said anything,” Dani says quietly.
I turn to face her and brush her long hair off her shoulder so I can see her face. “God, I know. Dani, I’m so sorry. For leaving you that day, for the shit my mother made you go through, for your loss here at home. I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you.” I brush my thumb over her pale cheek.
Tears threaten to overflow in her eyes, and she blinks. “Thank you for sharing all of that with me, Jax,” Dani whispers. “I know it must be difficult to talk about.”
I nod, still feeling a little shellshocked. “I mostly blocked that whole thing from my mind.”
“What happened to Giselle?”
“I never spoke to her again, so I have no fucking clue.”
I feel Dani’s arms on my shoulders as she turns me into her hug. She drops her head on to my shoulders, and I automatically wrap my arms around her.
We stay like that for several moments, and for the first time in years, I feel like I can breathe.
* * *
Dani moves through the kitchen comfortably, knowing where everything is, reaching for pans and bowls and ingredients. Even though she’s the one who just lost her mother, she’s making me pancakes. But that’s her. I hit her with a car, and she spent that weekend telling me it wasn’t my fault.