When I (Jeramy) decided to sport the most infamous of haircuts, the mullet, let’s just say my dad wasn’t pleased. Although we can laugh about this now, at the time it felt like a massive “who’s in control” issue.
Time after time I’ve counseled distraught parents lamenting their teen’s choices. What do you do when your fifteen-year-old son wants to wear black fishnet gloves to school or your seventeen-year-old daughter tells you she no longer wants to attend college but plans to launch a fund-raising campaign so her band can tour? Do you rush to conclusions and clamp down? Do you take a laissez-faire approach? Do you mock him or manipulate her, trying to shame your adolescent into a “better choice”?
Too often, we operate on faulty assumptions about who’s really in control of our teen’s life. Sometimes we see our adolescent children as threats to our “good name.” Many parents are convinced life would work better if teenagers just “got with the program,” but what does forcing your agenda ultimately accomplish?
How you respond to your teen’s desire to differentiate, his need to make independent choices, and her need to develop an identity apart from you will make a huge difference in the relationship you and your adolescent will enjoy or endure. You have a tremendous degree of choice in this matter, so let’s dive into the biological, psychological, and spiritual dimensions of surrendering control and allowing your teen to mature.
Bio 101
As you now know, your teen’s brain is undergoing massive and intense changes. That this is a physically exhausting process (and one the vast majority of teens aren’t even aware is happening) should prompt us to extend grace when our teens “just want to be left alone.” With so many new and confusing things going on inside and around a teen, needing time to process is completely understandable. Teens need room to become who they were meant to be.
Dr. Sheryl Feinstein, author of Inside the Teenage Brain, urges parents to remember, “Changes in the brain of the adolescent do not happen in isolation. It is during the teen years that a sense of identity is developed. . . . The search for identity is one of the most important jobs that teenagers have, and they pursue this mission with a vengeance. In order to discover an answer to this question [“Who am I?”], adolescents try on different hats. . . one morning parents wake up to a swing dancer and the next morning, a NASCAR freak.”1
Do you believe that the search for identity is an important job for your teenager? If not, we implore you to reconsider. God designed the brain to develop self-awareness and personal accountability over time. Short-circuiting this process benefits no one and often leads to “identity crises” later in life, when adults realize they never decided for themselves what to believe and how to live it out. We needn’t fear the search for identity, even if a teen “trying on” various preferences drives us crazy now and then.
Your teen’s neural “hardware”—his or her capacity to evaluate life and make choices—is transforming. It’s time to allow your adolescent to begin using this new hardware, even if there are some system glitches along the way. As the parent of an under-construction teen, you can exercise discernment, enabling your son or daughter to make an increasing number of choices in a variety of areas, with incrementally escalating responsibility. Frankly, it’s easier to cling to control than to slowly, deliberately place it in your teenager’s hands. This is hard work that takes diligence, grace, and above all, time. Sadly, many of us are too busy and too stressed to do the difficult work of letting go.
As your teen’s brain is remodeled, he or she will approach the world in new ways. If you’re hoping your teen won’t rock the boat, you’re likely to be disappointed (frequently!). Instead of going along with the status quo, your developing teen’s brain wants to push the envelope, to discover novel and creative ways of being his or her own person. This means that when your teen says, “I don’t want to . . . ,” sometimes what he or she means is, “I don’t want to do it your way.”
Is it okay with you if your teenager decides to do things differently than you? We’re not talking about choices between right and wrong, but rather teens discovering the unique ways God designed them. As your adolescent’s brain becomes better equipped to think independently, “outside the box” thoughts and strategies will occur to him or her. Can you embrace this?
Of course, creative exploration and exerting independence can cause problems. As they search for meaning and identity, teens can become vulnerable to pressures from outside forces. They can drift and lose direction. Toddlers can also scrape their knees or even break bones when learning to walk, but we don’t try to keep them crawling forever. As your teen matures, your job is to guide, not simply guard. As Dr. Jim Burns so brilliantly puts it, parents must move from “controlling to consulting and from micromanaging to mentoring”2 if they wish to raise responsible adults who can make wise decisions.
Your teenager’s under-construction brain is primed for learning. In order to capitalize on the profound opportunity presented by adolescent neuroplasticity, you must be willing to let your teen practice planning, make judgments, and exercise self-control. Certainly, their skills won’t come out of the gate fully developed; indeed, their brain’s CEO (the pre-frontal cortex) requires time and training to mature. It may be difficult not to swoop in and “fix” things in the early days, but resist this urge. We best nurture a teen’s brain by releasing control gradually, allowing both the successes of great decisions as well as the bumps and bruises of bad choices to instruct.
Psych 101
Parents best equip their adolescents for adulthood when they deliberately give teens opportunities to exert control and show responsibility. Parents inhibit appropriate development when they hover and micromanage or, conversely, when they opt for a “hands off,” permissive approach.
Autocratic parents who rigidly exert control through inflexible rules and mandated behavior raise teens who lack confidence when asked to solve problems. Since every choice has been made for them, these adolescents have no practice making their own decisions. Essential life skills that are necessary for independent adulthood haven’t been encouraged, so these teens become followers rather than leaders. Adolescents who perceive that only a narrow, parent-determined path is acceptable either walk this tightrope with continual stress or rebel outright.
Another controlling approach has been identified by a variety of terms: “helicopter parent,” “tiger mother,” “stealth bomber dad.” These parents hover around a child, clearing the path of any obstacles, focused on preventing failure and ensuring a “happily ever after.” Trouble is, adult life is full of challenges that can’t be whisked away by a parent. Adolescents with hovering parents lack the skills to make adjustments, persist through trials, and solve their own problems.
On the whole, today’s college students have far fewer “life skills” than their counterparts from previous generations. Many didn’t even fill out their own college applications. The cell phone becomes a digital umbilical cord, perpetuating dependence on parents to manage life and further delaying maturity. A nineteen-year-old who calls Mom, begging her to “convince” a professor to give an extension on the midterm project, is not capitalizing on the amazing potential of her remodeled brain, which can make decisions and exercise personal accountability.
On the opposite extreme, parents who raise teenagers in a laissez-faire environment—whether through overindulgence or neglect—leave teens with an excessive need for entertainment, a low tolerance for challenge, and a sparse application of logic. Permissive parents may wish to instill confidence and independence in their children, but instead they communicate that their pleasure and pursuits are more important than anything else. Ironically, both the indulged and the neglected child, rarely given guidance or limits, grow up feeling insecure; they lack decision-making skills and self-control because these traits were never modeled to nor instilled in them.
If you desire to raise a child who exerts appropriate self-awareness, self-control, and independence, offer struct
ure while progressively equipping and empowering your adolescent. We affirm the counsel of Dr. Daniel Siegel: lend support while supporting separation.3 Provide a warm, consistent, safe “base” from which your child can explore. Establish limits and stay firm in your resolve, giving your adolescent a sense of security and protective boundaries.
God created your teen to make choices and be accountable for them, and in the not-too-distant future, it will be up to him or her to live wisely or foolishly. Allowing your adolescent to practice the skills necessary for adulthood while still in your home is a tremendous gift. It takes more time, patience, grace, and discernment than simply controlling or checking out does, but such is the call of parenting a teen. It requires far more than most of us imagined it would.
Adolescent researcher Dr. Laurence Steinberg encourages parents to use “scaffolding,” an approach that gives teens “slightly more responsibility or autonomy than they are used to—just enough so that they’ll feel the benefits if they succeed but not suffer dire consequences should they fail.”4 Examples of scaffolding include extending your younger adolescent’s curfew or allowing your older teenager to plan an activity. This gives adolescents practice in forethought and self-control (especially if a budget is necessary or the relationships involved cause emotions to run high), as well as the ability to enlist help when needed.
Here are a few additional ways to encourage teenagers to develop independence and personal identity:
Involve your teen in the process of making family rules. Teens who live in rigid environments where everything is decided for them fail to develop self-regulation. You’re not surrendering control to your teenager when you invite participation in family discussion; you are nurturing a developing brain and mind. Don’t leave your teen with the choice between obediently toeing the line or acting like a lunatic to exert some level of control over life. Help your adolescent grow in the ability to negotiate, cooperate, plan well, and decide wisely by establishing a family process whereby rules are made and periodically evaluated. You also foster mutual respect and trust when you work toward agreement. According to Dr. Michael Bradley, “a good rules process advances your kid way down that road of consolidating his identity by forcing him to confront who he is now and how he wants to live his life.”5 An added benefit: the more your teen is involved in the process, the greater the buy-in to the decisions made.
Seize the opportunities presented by bad choices. In their quest for freedom and independence, teens often make poor decisions. Expect this and choose—now—to approach these as opportunities, not inconveniences or personal defeats. If adolescents can learn the need to research better before making a purchase, the importance of owning their decisions, the downsides of acting impulsively, the upsides of delaying gratification, how essential it is to press on despite adversity, and the benefit of listening to others, then their bad decisions can lead to really good growth. Ironically, one of the worst things we can do as parents is try to prevent our kids from having to learn from their mistakes.
Take dabbling in stride. Parents often fear that experimentation with certain preferences (music, after-school activities, appearance, etc.) will be “forever,” but most adolescent expressions of independence aren’t life defining. Be patient and gracious, letting go of noncritical issues (like hair color or style) so that you can focus on what’s really important: moral development, spiritual formation, and strong relationships.
Keep your eyes on the prize. The standard definition of adolescence includes two main components—separateness and self-assertion.6 The ultimate “prize” of healthy adolescent development is launching an adult child equipped with self-awareness, a capacity to think independently, and the ability to responsibly live with and relate to others. Don’t lose sight of these goals.
Sometimes actually leave them alone. Teenagers sorting out their thoughts and emotions need some privacy. It’s normal for adolescents to want alone time. When possible, give them space, ideally in a place they can “make their own.”
Surrender your need to be right. If you want to raise a thoughtful adult who can make wise decisions based on the information available to him or her, you must allow independent thinking to blossom in your home. Giving your teen freedom to express ideas and opinions is a great place to start, but this requires you to exercise discretion and patience. Again, this process may be difficult, but remember that your goal isn’t to raise someone who simply recognizes you’re right but rather to raise someone who can actively choose to do what’s best.
Faith 101
How much control do you have over your teenager? How much control do you have over your own life?
In reality, we control very little in the world around us. Basically, we can regulate our thoughts and the choices that spring from our beliefs. That’s it. Everything else is contingent, whether on another person’s decisions or forces beyond human control. We cannot control our teenagers any more than we can control the barometric pressure. We may have more influence over an adolescent than over the weather, but influence is a privilege, not an entitlement.
Philippians 3:21 reveals that only God has “power that enables him to bring everything under his control.” Can you bring everything under your control? Didn’t think so. Neither can we.
God can. First Timothy 6:15 proclaims that God is “the blessed and only Sovereign” (ESV). Not only is he in control, but he’s also very good (“blessed”) at what he does.
You can choose to fight the One with authority to bring all things under his control, or you can join him in his perfect work. This choice makes all the difference in your parenting. Surrendering the control you never had over your teen’s life is the only way to gain the influence you desperately need.
Take a few moments to open your Bible and read Psalm 139. Note the powerful way God describes his omnipresence. He knows everything about you. This marvelous truth applies to your teen too. You cannot control what your teen does, says, or thinks, but God knows. He never leaves or forsakes your adolescent. He truly is the blessed and only controller of all things.
Try It Today: Practice Saying Yes as Often as Possible
Parents of teens sometimes feel like “bad guys,” always having to reign in exuberant adolescents who are bursting with energy and ideas. It’s easy to get into a rut of saying no, simply because it’s a lot less trouble than allowing teens to explore their creative drives and desires.
If, however, we want to raise independent and responsible adults, we must supplant our own need for comfort and release the fear that facing disappointment or failure will harm our adolescent.
We like Dr. Laurence Steinberg’s advice on this point: “protect where you must, permit when you can. . . . In situations where your decision about an activity your child wants to engage in can easily go one way or the other, try to maximize your child’s autonomy so long as doing so doesn’t jeopardize his health, well-being, or future.”7
Practice saying yes, not so that you can be your teen’s best friend, but so that he or she can develop confidence in making independent decisions (which includes learning from mistakes!). While your adolescent is still at home, your developed prefrontal cortex can act as a safety net for his or her under-construction one. Your ability to influence is a tremendous gift, not to be squandered. Seize the opportunity by saying yes as often as you can and helping your teen learn from both successes and failures.
3
But Why?
By age eight, I (Jeramy) began looking for ways to make money, so when Mr. Baker offered me five dollars to mow his lawn, I jumped at the chance. After drafting my friend Eric into co-service, I set to work on the front yard. No problem. Then we walked around back.
Nothing could have prepared Eric and me for the sight before us. Mr. Baker had neglected to inform us that he hadn’t picked up after his dogs in some time. Perhaps ever. I couldn’t take a step without . . . well, I’ll spare you the rest of the details.
Still eager to earn the five doll
ars, I started shoveling up the mess. To this day, I cannot remember when, or comprehend why, splattering the contents of my shovel on the Bakers’ back wall seemed like a good idea. It never crossed my mind that Mr. Baker might be peeved. Eric and I laughed ourselves silly, decorating the wall with shovelful after shovelful. We mowed the lawn then went home. Simple as that. We ate our dinners in peace, blissfully unaware of the storm brewing next door.
Even when Mr. Baker called and asked my dad to send me over, it didn’t occur to me that I might be in trouble. You can probably guess how the story unfolded from there. Needless to say, I was cleaning up for quite a while.
Fast-forward to Christmas Day about six years later. Picture my brother and me, both in our early teens, standing outside with our cousin Mikey, who was about as old as I had been during the fateful Baker yard fiasco.
Perhaps the holiday festivities bored Mikey; maybe he was trying to impress us. Whatever his thought process (or, more likely, lack thereof), Mikey opened the door to his neighbor’s Jaguar and—I kid you not—began throwing fistfuls of mud into the impeccable interior.
My brother and I knew where this was headed. We made a few halfhearted suggestions—“Mikey, you better stop that”—but he kept laughing maniacally, now and then stopping to smear what he’d deposited on the dashboard. We didn’t do what we knew we should: physically stop him. Observing Mikey in action had a surreal, hilarious quality to it.
Considering the mess Eric and I had made once upon a time, it’s reasonable to question why I didn’t join in. In part, I had “learned my lesson,” but there was more going on than that. In the few short years between these episodes, I had begun to exercise one of the greatest gifts of adolescence: abstract reasoning.
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 3