Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  Acknowledge fault. An honest apology is self-disclosing. It takes responsibility. Use words like, “I was wrong. It was my fault.”

  Don’t try to “make him understand.” A quote widely attributed to Benjamin Franklin sums up the importance of not contaminating your apology with demands for retribution: “Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” If your teen quickly apologizes in return, great. If he or she doesn’t, give the lesson time to sink in.

  Find out what you can do to make things right. This shows you will do what it takes to mend any breach in the relationship.

  Express the desire to change and take action to do so. Repentance is not merely saying you are sorry but rather “doing a 180,” completely turning from a previous course of action. This is an essential step because it solidifies a commitment to ongoing growth.6

  In his many years working with teens and families, Dr. Michael Bradley consistently found that adolescents respect the same things in adults: honesty (especially with regard to mistakes), restraint in the face of their own stormy emotions, courageous self-disclosure (i.e., sharing with your teen how your own mistakes have impacted your life), and setting aside the need to “be right.” Teens respect adults who act like real grown-ups.7

  Bradley also discovered that teens widely disrespect the same parental behaviors. At the top of the list: hypocrisy, selfishness, arrogance, cold indifference, sharp-tongued sarcasm, and a controlling, “I told you so” approach to parenting. When you resort to small-minded retaliation, spewing hurtful words in response to his, or when you go stone cold because she’s done it again, you shrink in your teen’s esteem.

  If you hypocritically demand that your adolescent apologize, yet never offer an apology of your own, your teen learns the wrong lesson. Adolescents need—and want—parents who “walk their talk,” especially when things don’t go well. Don’t pretend to be something you’re not; where needed, commit to change and let your teens watch you grow. Placing your need to be in control and your “right” to be respected above your teen’s need to see what true humility looks like will poison your parenting. Your adolescent is watching (mirror neurons are firing!). Show them what it really means to take responsibility for actions and change course.

  Faith 101

  Many of us have heard or read scriptural encouragement regarding anger and patience. One well-known verse from the book of Proverbs instructs, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (15:1). Keeping in mind the potential roles of mirror neurons, this verse shows God’s truth written into our very bodies. What we do, and how we do it, is reflected in others.

  When we calmly respond to highly charged emotions, we defuse the situation and encourage adolescents to use their developing executive functions. When we apologize, we model how to acknowledge wrongdoing and change course. On the other hand, when we allow our emotions full vent, we kindle more emotional fire. Parents don’t carry sole responsibility for maintaining peace at home, but they are called by God to help teens regulate their emotions. Setting an example of self-reflection and courageous admission of responsibility honors God and helps your teen.

  If you want to use conflict as an opportunity for growth, consider what happens when your own mirror neurons are on fire. What happens when your teen wounds you and resentment creeps in? Think back to the things teens said destroy their respect for parents: hypocrisy, selfishness, and angry retaliation. In contrast, teens consistently reported that empathy and forgiveness built respect.

  Forgiveness sets you free from continuing to carry the hurt another person caused you. Your teenager will wrong you and may do so frequently. At times, especially when they offer a heartfelt and humble apology (the kind you are trying to model), forgiveness may flow readily from your heart. On other occasions, when your teen’s heart seems hard and ugly, forgiveness may feel far more difficult.

  Regardless of whether your teen acknowledges his or her wrongdoing, God urges you—indeed, commands you—to forgive. Colossians 3:13 plainly directs, “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (NLT). You must forgive. Why? Because you have been forgiven of so much.

  You do not stand above your teen. You too are in need of forgiveness. Indeed, during the adolescent years, you may find yourself reacting in ways you never imagined you would. Anger, guilt-tripping, accusations, manipulation, and shame may explode from within you. The teen years can expose our own heart issues, problems we’d rather not face. This may make parents feel even less connected to their adolescents, who they see as the source of this new and painful awareness.

  God, however, intends this for good; the revelations you experience while parenting your teen can transform you. Don’t allow his work to be derailed by fixating strictly on what your teen does or doesn’t do. It’s all too easy for parents to dismiss their own issues. You may feel angry, defensive, and resentful if your teen points out inconsistencies in your own life. Instead, go to God. Receiving forgiveness from him enables you to extend it to others. As you change, God can use you to change your teen.

  On the other hand, lack of forgiveness—along with the bitterness and resentment that come in its wake—corrodes your heart and soul. It separates you from God and from others (see Matt. 6:15). But that’s not all; the physical consequences of unforgiveness are medically documented and profound.8 Withholding forgiveness—especially over a long period—leads to serious physiological and psychological health concerns, including elevated heart rate and blood pressure, increased risk of heart attack, higher chance of problematic cholesterol, greater risk of blood clots, cancer, anxiety, depression, poor self-image, anger, and a litany of other chronic issues.9 Reading a list like that, it’s hard to imagine choosing to hang on to the offenses of others, yet that’s what many people resolutely do.

  Your teen knows whether you are a bitter person or not. He or she sees the way you react to people who hurt you. Your adolescent is observing and learning by evaluating you. Don’t proclaim the importance of forgiveness in your faith and then display the exact opposite in your relationships. That hypocrisy will spell internal agony for you and toxic disconnect for your teen.

  Practicing, extending, and modeling forgiveness for your teen is not only important for him or her; it also continually sets you free. Perhaps you are holding on to the hurts someone else inflicted on you. Maybe your current or ex-spouse, a family member, a friend, or a co-worker wounded you terribly. Choosing to forgive will not only breathe life and hope into your own heart; it will also change your teen. If you need help with forgiveness, check out this endnote, which lists some helpful resources.10

  Try It Today

  Not surprisingly, teens report that conflict between parents (whether parents are married or divorced) creates major stress in their lives. Your teen needs to see you practice empathy, humility, patience, and forgiveness in your marriage, with your ex, or—if your child’s other parent is not around—with those closest to you. Over the next twenty-four hours, consider any ways you’ve mistreated your spouse or your teen’s other parent. If you haven’t done so already, apologize and seek forgiveness.

  For those of you who are married, keep in mind that marriages often suffer during the teenage years, when tensions can erode loving care for one another. Don’t allow this to happen. Repentance, humility, and forgiveness are the antidotes. Spouses of teens too often lose connection with one another as a result of busyness during the adolescent years. They may talk about a lot of things—ranging from daily details to big concerns—without genuinely communicating. Show your teen that your marriage matters by taking the time to connect with your spouse. The health of your marriage must remain a priority. Even in the midst of adolescent crisis, you teach your teen a lot when you maintain a loving relationship with your spouse.

  To those of you who bravely single parent, we admire your commitment to your children. Your role is filled with challenges. How you
communicate with your ex-spouse and whether you have forgiven him or her impact your teen significantly. If you’ve not yet begun the journey to forgive, now is the time. Remember, forgiveness sets you free from the toxins of resentment and bitterness. Allow God to deal with your ex-spouse; you can be free. You have a unique opportunity to demonstrate for your teen the true power of grace.

  Your teen will flourish surrounded by love. Determine today to move beyond conflict with grace, practicing the art of apology, extending and receiving forgiveness.

  11

  What’s Wrong with My Friends?

  I (Jeramy) peered across the desk at Mr. and Mrs. Greenfield, both visibly weighed down by concern for their seventeen-year-old son.

  “He was doing okay until he started hanging out with those kids.”

  Mr. Greenfield spoke with a harsh and accusing tone; his features contorted with anger. Silent tears rolled down Mrs. Greenfield’s face, staining her cheeks with mascara and exhausted grief. The Greenfields had discovered yesterday that their son had been caught smoking pot at the high school football game Friday night. Blake had been suspended for five days, and the Greenfields were beside themselves.

  “Jeramy, he met those kids at youth group!” Mr. Greenfield sputtered. I genuinely couldn’t tell if he was blaming me or pleading for my help; probably his words included a little of both.

  Several days later, I met with Jeannette and Bill, mom and dad to Ashley, a precocious fourteen-year-old who “just didn’t fit in” with other kids her age. Ashley was lonely, and Jeannette and Bill were worried.

  “I don’t know how to help her,” Bill confessed.

  “There’s so much drama with other girls, and they can be really unkind. I know Ashley’s a little different, but there’s got to be somewhere she fits . . .” Jeannette’s voice trailed off sadly.

  As a pastor, I’ve had countless meetings like these. The dynamics of adolescent friendship—with its roller-coaster highs and lows—consumed a good deal of my youth ministry counseling appointments. Parents felt confused, frustrated, and afraid.

  Every so often I’d have an uplifting talk with a parent whose teenager had connected with a strong peer group and flourished as relationships deepened. And every week, I watched students scan the youth group crowd, asking with their eyes, “Do I belong here?”

  As parents, we simply cannot underestimate the feelings of isolation, rejection, and insecurity that many teens feel. We also cannot ignore the powerful positive influence healthy peer relationships can have on our teens.

  We understand firsthand—remember, our girls are adolescents—the concerns you may feel regarding friendship, peer pressure, and teen drama. It’s exhausting! The chaos and fickleness of teenage girls, the foolishness and immaturity of adolescent boys, the pecking order established on abilities and appearance: it not only makes us alternately angry or sad for our teenagers, it can also touch on memories and insecurities from our own past.

  Helping your teen navigate friendships will require you to be clued in but not controlling, patient rather than panicked, and prayerful instead of pushy. Persevering pays off, however. Let’s arm ourselves with information and encouragement for the journey.

  Bio 101

  During adolescence, the neural structures that together comprise the “social brain” undergo significant alteration. When we use the term social brain, we refer to the complex neurological architecture that enables humans to relate to one another, to understand the feelings and intentions of others. The neocortex, an important component in the social brain, plays a major role in relationships by helping direct areas of higher social cognition (e.g., empathy, language, regulation of action and emotion, introspection). Since this area is particularly large and well developed in humans, it’s evident that we’ve been hardwired for a life of relationships, not fierce independence.

  During adolescence, teens typically begin pushing away from the safety of the home1 and toward the world outside, particularly the world of peers. As an adolescent’s social brain develops, interest in peers and relationships changes significantly. In healthy teens, a move toward peers results in the establishment of friendships they choose and derive pleasure from (even if accompanied by some pain along the way). For teens who struggle, the neural push toward peer relationships may leave them feeling abandoned, alone, and/or angry. As parents, we should be prepared for these eventualities.

  While your teen’s social brain is undergoing massive remodeling, you should expect that your son or daughter will want to spend more time with friends. During this time, adolescents usually begin to care more what peers think about them as well. Even though it may be painful, trust us: your teen pushing away from you, wanting to be with friends, and trying to figure out where he or she stands with peers is not a referendum on you. These alterations are normal, part of God’s good design to equip teens to eventually navigate complex adult relationships, where interpreting and responding to the feelings and intentions of others is necessary. Instead of fighting against this social development, invest your energies in helping your son or daughter develop relationship skills.

  Within the last decade, research on the development of the adolescent brain demonstrated neural underpinnings for teenage social drama. Apparently, a “perfect neurobiological storm” for peer sensitivity brews during adolescence: “Improvements in brain functioning in areas important for figuring out what other people are thinking, heightened arousal of regions that are sensitive to social acceptance and social rejection, and the greater responsiveness to other people’s emotional cues, like facial expressions” all contribute to the ups and downs of adolescent friendships.2 As parents who are aware that all this is happening in our teens’ brains, we can exercise patience and speak truth to our teens: this storm and stress is part of growing up, and they will make it through, stronger on the other side.

  Neuroscience also indicates that being with friends arouses the highly excitable reward circuits in adolescent brains. When teenagers spend time together, dopamine is released. Just being together triggers powerful and pleasurable neurochemicals; no wonder teens want to be with their peers!

  On one hand, this explains why some adolescents engage in reckless behaviors together (their brains, as a group, are primed for the release of pleasurable neurochemicals). On the other hand, there’s a powerful positive aspect to this neural reality: if teens are spending time in healthy ways with friends and getting pleasure from it, they may be less likely to look for a dopamine rush elsewhere (money, food, sex, or substances like drugs and alcohol).

  If you want to maximize the positive and minimize the negative prospects of social development, you’ll need to help your teen. You cannot control his or her peer relationships. You can have influence on them, however, by engaging your teen’s developing brain. The neural circuits that control good judgment and wise decision-making may not be fully connected in teens’ brains, but we can encourage them to tap into their under-construction prefrontal cortex by asking good questions, making connections between certain relationship choices and consequences, and providing opportunities to be with friends in healthy ways.

  Psych 101

  With every peer experience, with each adult interaction witnessed, with all the media portrayals of friendship watched, teenagers are forming a vision of what relationships look like. The way you conduct your own friendships impacts your teenager powerfully. If you consistently disparage other people behind their backs, don’t be surprised if your teenager’s friendships suffer from the consequences of gossip. If you’re the first to help a friend in need, your son or daughter will likely value selflessness and kindness.

  As your teen goes through the adolescent years, you’d do well to evaluate your own relationships. Continue any ways you demonstrate the traits of a good friend; be honest about and make changes in the areas you fail. Ask your spouse or a trusted mentor, pastor, or friend to help you identify ways you could grow. Again, your example isn’t the whole story here;
indeed, adolescents whose parents have stellar relationships can still make incredibly foolish decisions in friendship. It’s essential, however, that you look within as intently as you look at your son’s or daughter’s relationships.

  In order to help your adolescent capitalize on the amazing benefits of healthy friendships while avoiding the pitfalls of destructive ones, keep the following in mind:

  Acknowledge your teen’s good choices. Parents spend a great deal of time evaluating teenage behavior. Unfortunately, we often focus on negative dynamics. When it comes to friendship, teens need to hear the right and good things they do. When you observe your teen displaying strong character in her relationships, go beyond the general, “You’re a good friend.” Instead, point out specifics: “I was so proud of how you encouraged Rachel when she didn’t make the cheer team.” You can also highlight ways your teen’s friends show good character: “It was cool that Ben came over to help you study; it’s great to have a friend who’s there for you when you need it!” Never underestimate the power of your positive attention. Your teen’s friendships will grow as he or she figures out what character traits and actions make a good friend. You can help in this process.

  Cultivate or cut off—help make that call. Especially with younger adolescents, you can encourage or discourage certain relationships by inviting certain friends and not others to your home. Don’t misunderstand this and try to control every dynamic in your teenager’s social life. This is not our intention. You can help your teenager cultivate or cut off certain friendships, but you cannot make them be friends with someone or force them to stay away from someone. If you’re concerned about a particular friend, ask your teen to help you understand why he or she enjoys being with that person. Find out what makes your teen “tick” in relationship with others and help him or her cultivate healthy relationships whenever possible.