Offer advice rather than issuing mandates. Trying to “reason” a teen out of chemical attraction is fruitless and frustrating. Fortunately, neurochemicals like PEA—the amphetamine-related neuromodulator—naturally wax and wane, so the object of your teen’s affections won’t remain as perfect in his or her eyes after some time. Trying to force your teen not to think about or have feelings for someone can actually stoke the neurochemical fire within. We must exercise patience and gently offer counsel. The quickest way to alienate your son or daughter is to criticize someone he or she thinks is “the one.” Instead, ask teens questions that cause them to think. We can also teach our teens the essential lesson that we don’t have to act on every feeling of attraction we have. Indeed, we should be honest with our teenagers: getting married doesn’t mean you’re never chemically attracted to someone again, so learning to evaluate and control physical responses is incredibly important.
Recognize the influence of your past. Studies reveal that parents, particularly mothers, who made relationship mistakes in the past tend to be stricter as their teens mature. In fact, moms who were promiscuous in their own adolescence consistently showed greater mistrust of their teenage children, even if their teens’ behavior warranted no distrust.2 If you feel overly anxious about your teen entering the years when relationships and romance become important, ask yourself why. Learning from your own past is not the same as assuming that your adolescent will make identical errors. Seek advice from a trusted mentor, pastor, or counselor if issues from your past return during these years.
Be appropriately vulnerable. Teens respond incredibly well to honest, courageous, and humble parental sharing. Of course, there are appropriate and detrimental ways to do this, so talk through your decision with a spouse or close friend before speaking with your teen. I (Jerusha) have talked to our girls from the time they were young about how I thought getting a guy to like me would make me feel better about myself. My flirtatious ways led to a lot of pain for me and for those around me. Sharing with our daughters—at the right time and in the right context—the mistakes we made and the consequences that followed is a priority for Jeramy and me. In this way, God redeems our past, allowing what was ugly to become a source of strength and protection for our teens. The same can be true for your family.
Provide opportunities for your teen to interact with the opposite sex. Your adolescent cannot develop healthy relationship skills without practicing them. It’s important for your teen to spend time with members of the opposite sex in healthy contexts. Group settings can be great for this, as can after-school activities and youth group events. Don’t be afraid to have teens of the opposite gender in your home. Indeed, if you want to influence your teen’s choices, you need to know the people he or she hangs out with. There’s great freedom in normalizing friendships between young men and women. Ironically, it’s when Christians prohibit the development of relationships between the genders that adolescents and young adults find themselves woefully unprepared to interact with the opposite sex.
Discourage exclusive relationships. Adolescents who pair off often fail to explore same-gender friendships, extracurricular activities, hobbies, occupations, and service. Statistics also show a connection between exclusive dating in early adolescence and sexual experimentation. Parenting expert Dr. Jim Burns notes, “Exclusive dating at younger ages . . . sometimes revs up the engines too soon and leads the way toward early sexualization. Kids make sexual decisions based on emotional involvement that exceeds their maturity levels. I have observed many really good kids at too early of an age get way over their heads and hearts in exclusive relationships.”3 Letting your son or daughter hang out with the opposite sex doesn’t mean that you must condone exclusive relationships.
Don’t try to bake cookies at 500 degrees.4 No matter how fantastic your recipe is, you’re almost guaranteed to burn cookies if you try to bake them at such an extreme temperature. In a similar manner, placing undue pressure on guy-girl relationships leaves people burned. In an effort to avoid mistakes in dating, some parents try to control relationships with strictly enforced rules. In this highly intense environment—somewhat akin to a 500-degree oven—developing healthy relationship skills can be challenging. In some ways, it forces people to decide before even having coffee together whether or not someone is a potential mate. Broken courtships are often as painful as severed engagements for this reason. Be aware of the potential problems that any relationship model might introduce. Don’t choose a method simply out of fear or a desire to control things. Your adolescent’s relationship future is far too important for that.
If your teen is hurting, don’t minimize the pain. Some parents dismiss their adolescent’s feelings as “puppy love” or “teen drama.” It’s essential that we recognize the wounds our teens feel in relationships are very real. In fact, a great deal of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even suicide can be connected to unrequited affection. Explain to your teen that it’s normal to hurt when you feel rejected. You may have less energy, be less motivated, and want to either pig out or stop eating altogether. Assure your teen that these feelings pass with time, while affirming that you hurt because they are hurting. Parents who tell their teens to “get over it,” or worse, mock their teen during this time actually make things worse.
Faith 101
To love and be loved is one of the most universal human longings. In the name of love wild, wonderful, and wicked things have been done by men and women of every race, status, and era. If we reflect on our own past honestly, each of us can see ways in which the yearning to be loved has motivated us—both positively and negatively.
As Christians, we believe that God created us—literally wired our bodies and brains—in his image (see Gen. 1:27). Because God is love (see 1 John 4:8), our nature reflects this beautiful facet of his character. We love others and long to receive love because the Author and Perfecter of love made us. We experience incredible glory in this! We also know terrible pain when love is withheld or the brokenness of this sin-stained world infects our relationships. Many people look to another human to meet their need for love and affirmation, but the love for which they pine—unconditional, unselfish, and unending love—cannot be found in relationship with another person.
At this point, your teen probably cannot understand, let alone articulate, this universal ache to be loved, pull to look for fulfillment in people who cannot provide it, and longing to give love to someone else. These feelings are present, however. They’re mixed up with the awakening of sexual hormones and neural development, societal messages and social interactions, but the deepest cries of the human heart are within every teenager looking for a relationship.
The affirmation we feel when someone likes us, chooses us, or wants to be with us is powerful and compelling. If you never went out as a young person, you may have questioned whether you were worthy of being loved or would ever find romance. If going out all the time was your method of validation, you may have grounded your identity on being admired or sought after. You may have wanted to “conquer” as many relationships as possible to show that you were desirable and attractive. You might have ached for love because you never got it at home. Imagine that your teen may feel some of these things and have compassion on your under-construction adolescent.
Some of you have never settled into the reality of your complete belovedness. Perhaps you wonder if God could really love you after what you’ve done. Maybe you’re operating with a hole in your heart from abandonment during childhood, a broken marriage, or rejection on some deep level. Please know that adolescents sense this, even if they have no idea what it is or why it impacts them.
The best and most important thing you can do for your teenager when it comes to relationships is to model that your identity is grounded in Christ’s undying love for you. The Word of God declares that you are loved with an “everlasting love” (Jer. 31:3), a love that endures and never depends on your accomplishments or worthiness. “‘Though the mountain
s be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,’ says the LORD, who has compassion on you” (Isa. 54:10). If you truly believe this and allow it to define everything you do, your teen will be so far ahead of the game.
As we live out the truth, we can help teens recognize that the gospel—the truly Good News—is that they don’t have to look to anyone else for affirmation or validation. Pastor Timothy Keller writes, “The gospel is this: We are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.”5 Live this, teach teens this, and it will change the way they approach relationships. You can help teens see that human relationships are a beautiful part of life, but they cannot define us; God’s neverending, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love for us does.6
Try It Today
At some point over the next twenty-four hours, spend time discussing with your spouse or a close friend any fears you have about your child developing relationships with the opposite sex. Bringing any concerns you have into the open is an important step forward. Pray about each specifically.
13
This Is Sooooo Awkward
“Stop the tape and talk about erection.”
What? No! This can’t be happening!
The interior of our blue station wagon suddenly felt fifty degrees hotter. An uncomfortable cough escaped from my dad’s pursed lips, while my mom’s neatly painted fingernail moved toward the stop button. I (Jeramy) seriously considered rolling down the window and flinging myself onto the highway.
At some point, Mom must have told my brother and me that we were going to listen to tapes “about growing up” by her Christian parenting hero, but I don’t recall any details of that interaction. It wasn’t until the recorded voice commanded us to chat—with our parents—about “your changing body” that the internal screaming began. Nooooo!
Fast-forward about twenty-five years. Jerusha and I received a package from her publisher. Enclosed was the full “help your kids learn about sex” book collection. That night, I read through the first of four books (the one identified as “just right” for their ages). As Jerusha remembers it, I lay the book on my chest, closed my eyes and groaned, “Oh no . . .”
Here I was, youth ministry veteran, dating and relationships author, the guy you might have thought would be confident about talking to his kids about sex. I’d given maybe a hundred purity talks in my time. I’d spoken to teens and their parents around the country. But now it was “go time” in my own family. I understood the deer-caught-in-the-headlights look I’d seen on the faces of so many parents. Perhaps that very look is on your face right now.
Statistics say 95 percent of us had some form of sex education in school. Most of us endured it in either junior high health class, high school biology, or those awkward, “The boys are going to go with Mr. So-and-so and the girls will stay here” special assemblies.
If the various seminars and conferences around the nation I’ve conducted are an accurate indication, most of us also had little if any dialogue with our parents about sex. The vast majority of people I encounter had significantly more peer than parent sex education. Youth ministry expert Dr. Jim Burns recently observed, “Studies show that almost 50 percent of parents have a conversation about sex after their kids have already had intercourse.”1 Don’t let that be your story.
Instead of reviewing schoolyard misperceptions and stilted “sex ed” classes, I’d like to focus on neurochemical information you may never have received. During adolescence, I certainly didn’t learn about the role oxytocin plays in sexual awakening, curiosity, and exploration.2
And though I completely understand the challenge of “You’ve got to be kidding me” and “This is sooooo awkward” teenage responses to your “Let’s talk” efforts, we cannot let one another off the hook. Of course resistance and snarky comments can be exhausting and embarrassing, but we are the parents, and our teens desperately need us to be informed and able to discuss the physical, emotional, and spiritual dimensions of sexuality.
Bio 101
According to neurobiologists, “Oxytocin is important for social memory and attachment, sexual and maternal behavior, and aggression. Recent work implicates oxytocin in human bonding and trust as well.”3 In layman’s terms, oxytocin—the “cuddle hormone”—can make you want to snuggle, remember how good snuggling feels, and do whatever you can to experience that again. It can also (positively) stop you from doing things that would prevent future snuggling, such as tame aggression, or (negatively) incite jealousy. Since oxytocin can also intensify our feelings, when this hormone is present, it can enhance a sense of bonding with whomever one is with, regardless of how genuine and lasting the emotional connection may be.4
The release of oxytocin increases dramatically during the adolescent years. Most research indicates that oxytocin affects females more intensely than males, which may explain, at least in part, the greater emphasis adolescent girls place on bonding in relationships.5
Now that you know this, what can you do?
Channel oxytocin’s positive power. Clinicians counsel parents to provide adolescents (particularly girls) with nurturing opportunities that stimulate the healthy release of oxytocin. Something as simple as petting an animal or caring for small children can release oxytocin and satisfy the desire for connection and bonding.
Don’t withhold affection, even from your surly teen. It becomes awkward for some parents, especially dads, to show affection to their children during the adolescent years. If this describes you, we’ll be blunt: get over it. Appropriate physical affection in the home meets powerful physiological needs while teaching healthy boundaries. Some of you suspect teens would rather die than hug their parents, but finding ways to be affectionate is essential.
Ride it out. Studies using fMRI scanning show that when pictures of a preferred member of the opposite sex are viewed, regions of the brain linked with well-being and pleasure light up. Dopamine surges, creating a natural high, and oxytocin release follows, stirring up greater desire and affection. Parents, remember this biochemical reality. Your adolescent will be vulnerable to powerful feelings, some of which will baffle you. Others may infuriate you, but don’t overplay things. Research shows that left on its own, the teen brain stays in this heightened physiological state for a much shorter period than the adult brain. Only after this initial rush are teens able to engage their under-construction frontal lobes to logically reflect on the relationship, weighing risks and benefits.6 If a parent rushes in during the emotional surge, ranting and raving, it can further stimulate response from the emotional center of the brain, thus short-circuiting a teen’s ability to reason and judge. Most of us would prefer, for instance, that our teenage daughter not date the bouncer from Hell’s Ink tattoo parlor, but trying to reason with her when biochemicals are running rampant can be counterproductive. It requires tremendous discernment and patience to time conversations wisely.
Keep in mind that sexual curiosity doesn’t equal sexual activity. As the level of sex hormones in your teen’s body rises, interest and curiosity will increase as well. Don’t assume, however, that expressing interest or curiosity means your adolescent is sexually active. This is where open communication becomes significant. Ask questions, listen, and observe attentively.
Finally, don’t buy into cultural lies. During adolescence, as the brain prunes neurons and reinforces the neural pathways used most often, what your teenager sees and does matters, big-time. What your son or daughter is exposed to sexually (in the media and in relationships) impacts the rest of their lives. Society would like us to believe that media doesn’t affect us and “teens are going to do what they want, so we better just mitigate the consequences.” Don’t accept these lies. The age at and way in which adolescents begins to explore sexuality does impact their future. The shows and movies they watch, as well as the websites they visit (
and we’re not strictly talking pornographic ones here), reinforce certain brain pathways. Throughout the day, teens assimilate a great deal of information about sexuality: conversations with peers, media exposure, physical desires, and your input. Don’t let your input be an empty set. You can play a role in the development of your adolescent’s sexual brain. I know it can be uncomfortable. Ask the questions anyway (e.g., “Do any of your friends sext each other?”). Your teen may feel like I did all those years ago, ready to throw open the car door and perish on the highway, but he or she will also know that you care and are aware.
What Statistics Teach Us about Teens and Sex
Sexual content in film, television, and music continues to increase. In television programming aimed at teens, more than 90 percent of episodes have at least one sexual reference, with an average of 7.9 references per hour.7 Note: these aren’t “adult” shows, but programs aimed at teens.
According to one study, young adolescents exposed to sexual media content, including that on the internet, were 2.2 times more likely to have had sexual intercourse when reinterviewed two years later than were peers who took in a less-sexualized media diet.8
Nine in ten teens agree that most young people have sex before they’re really ready, and nearly two-thirds say once you’ve had sex with a partner, it’s hard to say no in the future.9
Recent studies indicate that the risk for depression is “clearly elevated” for sexually active teens of either gender.10 Twenty-five percent of adolescent girls who had sex became clinically depressed within three months of the experience.11
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 13