Payment. Let your teen know that if excessive tech use results in fees, he or she will be responsible for them. This helps to avoid most “You never told me . . .” arguments.
Parental privileges. Calls or texts from parents take priority and should be answered within a reasonable time. Request that driving adolescents pull the car over to respond. Your teen should also give you access to his or her screen history, text messages, and passwords. This makes some teenagers uncomfortable, and parents often feel bad about insisting on this rule, but studies reveal that 45 percent of teens would change their online behavior if parents were monitoring it. Your adult brain is a parental privilege—use it and let your teen know that you’re watching because you care about them!
For more information about helping your teen make wise digital choices, we highly recommend Growing Up Social by Dr. Gary Chapman and Arlene Pellicane and Screens and Teens by Dr. Kathy Koch.
16
It’s Not That Bad
If pressed to defend their entertainment choices, adolescents usually offer one of two defenses: “It doesn’t affect me” or “It’s not that bad.”
Neither science nor common sense supports this. Media affects every single one of us: what passes before our eyes and through our ears becomes imprinted on our brains.
I (Jerusha) grew up in a media-saturated home. My dad writes music for film and television, as well as chorus and orchestra. My mom loves nothing more than a novel in her hand or a good audiobook. My brothers, sister, and I all played instruments, sang constantly, read voraciously, watched TV and movies, and played video games. Music of all genres, cinematic and literary references, even Nintendo theme songs wove my childhood together.
Media is not the enemy, nor is abstinence from it an answer for the very real and present dangers modern pop culture presents. Instead, we invite you to learn and practice discernment with regard to media and entertainment. As you discern wisely, your teens will learn likewise.
Bio 101
Our brilliantly and complexly designed brains separate, judge, order, and distinguish relentlessly, allowing us to make sense of the world. This process of observation, perception, and determination can be summed up in the term discernment. Every day, your brain provides sensory feedback and helps you decide what to do, when to do it, and how it should be done. You and I are perpetual discerners.
In today’s media frenzy, people rarely apply the neural skill of discernment. Instead, they flip through channels, browse stations, skim magazines, or pick up a game controller without giving much thought to their decisions. Many of us operate on autopilot when it comes to media choices.
If our brains were static and inflexible, we wouldn’t need to pay attention to the media we consume. It wouldn’t affect us; it wouldn’t matter. But this is not our neural story. On the contrary, our brains are incredibly malleable, and never more so than during adolescence.
As we noted previously, adolescence is a period of heightened neuroplasticity, the brain’s remarkable ability to adapt based on exposure. During the first season of neuroplasticity—from birth to three years old—we make very few choices for ourselves. Caretakers shape our environment, exposing us to what they deem important, convenient, or manageable. The story shifts during adolescence, when we become responsible for more of our own decisions and have a greater degree of autonomy regarding what we see, hear, and play.
For this reason, the heightened neuroplasticity of adolescence and a teenager’s near-constant exposure to media input require tremendous discernment. As Dr. Daniel Siegel so brilliantly summarizes, “What we focus our attention on and what we spend time doing directly stimulate the growth of those parts of the brain that carry out those functions.”1 Our teenagers literally grow and shape their brains as they watch TV and movies, play video games, read, and listen to music. In the words of Dr. Laurence Steinberg, who has spent decades researching adolescents, “Adolescence is probably the last real opportunity we have to put individuals on a healthy pathway and to expect our interventions to have substantial and enduring effects.”2
Every scientific experiment with teenagers confirms the incredible sensitivity—body, mind, and spirit—of this time period, so we cannot settle for an “it’s not that bad” approach. We must devote careful thought to and concentrate strategic action on helping teenagers optimize media decisions. The experiences of adolescence matter . . . a lot. Don’t simply allow teens to be molded by what they are exposed to; teach them to direct the molding.
In a sense, each of us can be a neuroplastician, sculpting our own brains as we decide what to attend to and absorb. As teens mature, their brains move from being highly plastic to being less pliable and more difficult to transform. Don’t allow this highly significant time period to fly by in a flurry of mindless media choices. Neuroplasticity is an amazing gift, but it also carries tremendous weight: we can shape our own brains! The positive and negative implications are enormous.
Thankfully, our brains have been equipped with both astounding malleability and the power to discern. Your teen has been designed to distinguish between what is good, bad, better, and best. This is the gift of discernment, and teenagers can learn to apply it to media choices.
As in the last chapter, the structure of the following pages will differ from the typical “Psych 101” format. We’ve placed TV and movies in one section. We’ll discuss music, print media, and video games individually.
What’s On?
People no longer have to arrange their schedules around favorite shows or movies. Instead, they exercise the power of personal choice through instant streaming apps, on-demand programming, and überconvenient home recording options. We’ve been given the “right” to decide when, where, and for how long we watch. It’s all quite intoxicating.
We chose that word, intoxicating, with specific purpose. Exercising the perceived powers of control and choice spikes the pleasure potential and primes the pump that pushes us to pursue it again and again and again. Perusing a media menu, even if it hasn’t changed that much since last time, gives us a sense of discovery; it’s a virtual treasure hunt that promises to take us away from our stresses, at least for the length of a program or film. Super-sensitive-to-rewarding-stimulation teens are exceptionally susceptible to this draw.
In order to help your teen discern well with regard to film and television, you’ve got to have more in your arsenal than simply “don’t watch movies or programs rated _____.” Instead, establish an ongoing dialogue around the following questions:3
Does this promote truth or lies? Every show or film presents a worldview. Most modern media weaves together some truth and some falsehoods about life, relationships, and so on. The trick is to evaluate the worldview and determine if truth ultimately triumphs. For instance, watching an R-rated film like Schindler’s List is not the same as watching a program that titillates with violence or, worse, glorifies it. Look for films and television that tell the truth about good and evil, consequences and opportunities, friendships and family. Even if they don’t fit 100 percent with your worldview, films or programs can speak truths into your teen’s life.
Do I want to be like these characters? Watching hours of programming or films that present antiheroes, currently a very popular choice for protagonists, impacts your teen. Choose programs and films that have characters your teen can clearly emulate or reject. Confusing characters (i.e., they’re bad, but only because of their tortured past) are more difficult for some adolescents to understand. Teach your teen to watch the way the characters speak to and about people, how they treat others, and whether character traits that will eventually make your adolescent a responsible, contributing member of society are encouraged.
What does this say about family? Films and television often degrade marriages or family members. Fathers may be portrayed as lazy, fat, clueless buffoons and moms as harried and out of touch. “Look at sitcoms,” Jim Fay and Foster Cline write. “Almost all of the humor is based on watching frustrated
authority figures try to control situations they can’t.”4 The family is the basic building block of society; watching programs and movies that tear at the fabric of the family doesn’t edify anyone.
What does this say about faith? Let’s imagine your teen watches an average of ten hours of media a week. That would be, say, a bit on school nights plus a movie or several programs each weekend (in case you’re wondering, this is far less than the national average). Even in this amount, your teen would be watching close to four thousand hours of television and film over the course of his or her adolescence. During that time, your teen may rarely (or never) hear God, the Bible, or faith mentioned in positive, affirming ways. How important does faith seem after these thousands of hours? As Paul David Tripp wisely notes, “During those hours of cultural bombardment, [your teen] is usually relaxed and not thinking critically. . . . It would be the height of naiveté to think he will remain uninfluenced.”5
Just as you wouldn’t allow your teenager to eat only Pop-Tarts and Mountain Dew, you cannot allow your teen to consume only a diet of mindless media. Help your teen discern well.
The Soundtrack to Your Teen’s Life
God designed music as one of life’s greatest pleasures and most powerful forms of expression. Strains of melody and harmony wash over our neural cells, impacting the very wiring of our brains. Indeed, when we asked pioneering adolescent neuroscientist Dr. Jay Giedd what promotes myelination—the “insulating” of brain pathways to make them more efficient and integrated—his answer was immediate: music!
According to youth expert Dr. Jim Burns, music and the artists who create it meets three basic needs for teenagers: companionship, acceptance, and identification. Since many teens spend a great deal of time listening to music or reading about their favorite bands, they become virtual companions for adolescents. Because neither music nor musicians reject your teen, the sense of being accepted when listening to music of their choice is a powerful force for teenagers. Finally, in music and with musicians, teens find an outlet for their emotions, as well as an articulation of ideas and feelings they may not have been able to express otherwise.6
As a parent, it’s important that you identify the influential musical “voices” in your teenager’s life. Listen to the songs your teen chooses and read the lyrics. Do this so that when you have the chance, casual, and crucial conversations with your teenager about music, you’ll know what you’re talking about. You’ll be immediately dismissed if you base your comments on rumors and stereotypes, or if you pigeonhole the music or musicians (“All her songs are about . . .” or “They always or only . . .”).
Remember your goal: to encourage teens to evaluate on their own what they hear and how it impacts them. Your adolescent must do this in his or her adult life, and learning it during these highly neuroplastic teenage years is critical.
You can use the lyrics or tunes to stimulate developing discernment. If you’re concerned about particular songs, initiate a casual (rather than confrontational) conversation about the selfishness, violence, or sexuality communicated by the band or lyrics. Keep in mind that censoring your teen’s music, thereby creating musical martyrs, will be less effective than using what your teen chooses to expose the truths and lies about life presented by cultural voices.
As always, it’s important for you to evaluate your own music choices before judging your teen’s. Share with your adolescent what you discover. Vulnerability, courage, and honesty are highly prized virtues among adolescents. Use that to your adult advantage.
The Pen Is Mightier Than You Think
Many parents falsely believe “my teen doesn’t read that much.” Because the written word surrounds us, even if your teen isn’t reading books for pleasure, he or she is exposed to far more of the written word than you may think. Our teens are continually bombarded with cultural messages in what they read: you’re only really alive when you’re in love with someone; if you follow your heart, it will show you the way; and a tragic love story is the most exalted of all.
Think of some of the most popular young adult fiction of the past decade: books featuring mythical, star-crossed adolescent lovers; teenagers with terminal illnesses who find love “before it’s too late”; adolescents who overcome tremendous odds (societal, political, or familial abuse and neglect) in order to unite, survive, and—at least in the final book—overcome. The ideas and emotions teens are exposed to and experience while reading not only shape their minds in the present but also weave together the neural and moral fabrics from which their future choices arise.
Even cursory reading can produce powerful effects in a revved-up teenage brain. One sociological study revealed that adolescent girls felt guilty, depressed, and anxious after looking at a fashion magazine for only three minutes.7 Surveys indicate 83 percent of adolescent girls read fashion magazines (online or in print) on average 4.3 hours per week. Seventeen alone boasts a readership of 11 million. The influence of adolescent-targeted print media should not be underestimated.8
If you haven’t read the cover of one of these magazines in a while, you may be shocked by what you’ll encounter. Glaring and explicit sexual references are just one issue. According to a former editor, the acknowledged purpose of these magazines is “to convince women that something is wrong with them (e.g., hair, body, sex life, etc.) so that they can sell their product (i.e., the content of the magazine) to fix it.”9
Lest you parents of teenage boys think your son is immune, be aware that increasingly common media presentations of “superguys”—stronger, fitter, and more competent than your average Joe—are taking their toll on adolescent boys. Recent studies on teenage males show rising levels of personal stress resulting from comparisons with media stars in print and on film.10
Considering what’s available for them to read (or watch or play), it’s no wonder our teenagers are confused. They didn’t write the books, the screenplays, or the advertisements; adults are responsible. You can’t constantly stimulate an under-construction teenage brain and then act surprised when a teen feels angry, sexually charged, suspicious of authority, or longing for the kind of love he or she reads about. We recommend you review and apply the same questions used to evaluate film and television to the books or magazines that you and your teen want to read.
Game On!
Video games are neither inherently good nor inherently evil; as a result, we cannot issue either a blanket recommendation or repudiation of them. Instead, as with all other forms of media, we urge you to exercise discernment.
In the past, playing video games was perceived as an isolating activity that promoted a sedentary, selfish lifestyle. These stereotypes no longer apply to many digital games. Indeed, with the rise of MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Games), social gaming has eclipsed lone participation, and full-body involvement is often required to advance in the complex worlds designed by brilliant technicians. Healthy levels of video gaming can develop quick thinking and spatial skills, as well as hand-eye coordination and sensory integration.
That said, computerized games tend to emphasize rapid responses in the brain instead of encouraging thoughtful decisions. As Dr. Sheryl Feinstein affirms, “teens who engage in excessive violent video play have underactive frontal lobes during and long after the game has been unplugged. This means logical, reasonable thinking is muffled and fast; reactive thinking is stimulated.”11 In other words, during and long after playing certain video games, the prefrontal cortex—the brain’s CEO and the very last area of your teen’s brain to mature—functions even less effectively.
Designed for perpetual multisensory stimulation, video games flood the brain’s reward centers with the pleasure-inducing neurochemical dopamine. Though it frustrates some gamers to acknowledge, this is similar to the way drugs or alcohol produce an appealing “high.” More and more gaming is necessary to produce the same “rush” of dopamine release. Some people think only certain games do that, but this biological reality does not apply only to first-p
erson shooter games; MMORPGs also have this effect on the brain.
First-person shooter games, however, additionally and actively stimulate areas of the brain that control aggression and reactivity—particularly the amygdala, which is already “large and in charge” in the typical teenage brain. Young men, especially, have naturally heightened activity in the amygdala during adolescence, so additional stimulation is hardly necessary.
It’s essential for parents to separate the activity (gaming itself) from potentially destructive motives (why your teen games) and consequences (if gaming is out of control and leading to other concerning behaviors). Dr. Douglas Gentile, pioneering researcher on video game impact and addiction, offers wise words to parents: “It’s not that the games are bad. . . . It’s that some kids use them in a way that is out of balance and harms various other areas of their lives.”12
According to one study, as many as 40 percent of online video game players admitted to playing as a way to escape from the real world.13 Using escape as a coping mechanism is a key component of addiction, whether someone escapes through drugs, gambling, or video games.
Research also consistently shows—and by this we mean over two thousand scientific studies agree—that ongoing exposure to violent video gaming increases the risk of aggression and reactivity, decreases empathy and sensitivity, and can ultimately lead to an anxious, suspicious, and harsh view of the world.14 The National Institutes of Health, the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Psychological Association, and the Surgeon General’s office have all issued statements that content matters: media violence influences adolescents in powerful ways. Indeed, “video games are especially dangerous because a child is not passively watching a violent act; he is participating in it. . . . Games also create a system of reinforcement. A child is rewarded for destructive behaviors again and again.”15 If your teenager has a steady diet of aggressive, violent media, he or she will be affected. Science, sociology, and anecdotal evidence all prove this.
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 17