23
It’s Not All I Think About!
Once testosterone started flooding my (Jeramy’s) body, surges of anger, defiance, aggression, untamed desire, or all of the above would periodically explode within me, often unbidden and without obvious provocation. I was a fuse itching to be lit. In fact, if you ask my pastor from those days, he’ll tell you I was the most hotheaded punk to darken the door of Valley Bible Church.
I’m probably not the only guy who’s been tossed out of a church baseball game, but I’m ashamed to admit that I’m one of the few who responded by kicking church property in an uncontrolled outburst of frustration. Not one of my finer moments.
As a teenager, I distinctly recall trying to stare down my dad—my six-foot-four, 225-pound father—who was patiently explaining something I didn’t want to hear. As I attempted to glare my resistance into him, he cracked a half smile and said, “Son, you aren’t gonna win this one.” That did it. Not knowing what else to do, but keenly aware that any physical display would get me in serious trouble, I grabbed a pillow and literally held it in front of my face to block him from view.
After a nasty relationship breakdown, I sat behind the steering wheel of my Chevy stepside truck and punched the windshield in a fit of hurt and anger. Watching it spiderweb crack in front of me, one thought raced through my head: “You idiot.” Later, a police officer issued me a fix-it ticket, and I had to shell out hard-earned cash to replace the windshield.
I never thought, “Wow. I have a lot of emotions that I don’t know what to do with.” During adolescence, I was too confused for a moment of clarity like that, but I really didn’t know the best way to express my thoughts and feelings. Rage seemed manlier than tears, but it didn’t get me anywhere. And I haven’t even touched on the crazy way puberty impacted my thoughts about girls.
Being a teenage guy twenty-some years ago, dealing with the storm and stress constantly brewing inside me, was tough. It’s every bit as tough—and uniquely difficult in many ways—for today’s adolescent males. Fortunately, we know more about their brains than ever before.
Bio 101
Way back when you first heard the sordid tale of “how your body will change during puberty,” you probably learned that a major contributor to male development is the sex hormone testosterone. When you consider that adolescent boys have thirty times more testosterone by their early twenties than they did at age ten, you can imagine the challenge of adjusting to this new chemical profile. Scientists have discovered even more about testosterone over the last two decades, however, so hang on to your hats and glasses.
We now know that the amygdala and the hypothalamus—areas of the brain that help mediate the body’s response to fear and danger—are particularly sensitive to testosterone, which causes these neural structures to grow larger in young men. While all teenagers experience heightened activity in the brain’s limbic system, and particularly the amygdala, adolescent males have even bigger and busier amygdalae than girls. The results: assertiveness, aggression, shorter attention span, and increased sex drive.
Researchers also recently discovered that unlike children or adults, adolescent males show “enhanced activity in the part of the brain that controls emotions when confronted with a threat.”1 And fMRI studies reveal that even if study participants were directly instructed not to acknowledge a perceived threat, the automatic neural responses in adolescent males were so strong that they blew reaction results for adult men out of the water. Teenage boy brains, in many ways, operate on high alert, always anticipating threats and awaiting offensive orders.
Another team of scientists, evaluating measurements of brain activity, discovered that “teenage boys were mostly immune to the threat of punishment but hypersensitive to the possibility of large gains.”2 For many adolescent males, instead of deterring deviant behavior, the threat of punishment incites what resembles a cognitive game of chicken. Parents who hold potential consequences over teenage boys may inadvertently ignite their son’s large-and-in-charge amygdala, growing each day of adolescence under the influence of testosterone and other hormones.
On top of all this, brain-derived neurotrophic factor (BDNF), a molecule crucial for evaluating danger, is less active in adolescent male brains. This means that while teenage boys are emotionally volatile and on “high alert,” they are also less able to accurately assess threats. It’s no wonder they seek emotionally charged experiences! According to neuroscientist Dr. Frances Jensen, “This double whammy—a jacked-up, stimulus-seeking brain not yet fully capable of making mature decisions—hits teens pretty hard, and the consequences to them, and their families, can sometimes be catastrophic.”3
Let’s put all of this together: Puberty starts. Testosterone and other hormones flood the male body. The limbic system revs up, and teenage boys develop large and highly active amygdalae, intensifying emotions. At the same time, the typical teenage male brain is less effective at calculating risk and reacts to the threat of punishment as an invitation to push the limits. In the midst of all this, sexual desire awakens with ferocity. Do you think our teenage guys could use our compassion and help? It doesn’t take a neuroscience degree to answer that question. It does take, however, a significant amount of patience and discernment to live wisely in response.
Psych 101
When we were younger, people often quipped that teenage guys have “one thing on their minds.” Everyone knew what that “one thing” was, and people either shook their heads in a resigned, “boys will be boys” sort of way or vehemently warned of the dangers of untamed sexual desire. Neither approach has proven particularly effective.
We want you to know, right from the outset, that there’s a lot more going on in the mind of an adolescent male than thoughts about sex. Don’t believe the lie that adolescent males can be reduced to their sexual urges. If you do, you’ll miss the opportunity to cultivate true masculinity in the teenage guys with whom you interact. We all benefit from remembering that:
An instant and disposable mindset infects teenage guys.4 In a world where everything happens quickly and everything’s made to be broken, adolescent males struggle to develop characteristics like patience and perseverance. As any parent knows, both forbearance and resilience are necessary for adult life. Part of the reason we have more toddler men than mature males in media, business, and other arenas is because teenage boys never grow out of their “I want what I want, now” attitude. They dispose of phones, water bottles, and relationships with equal flippancy.
As a parent of a teenage son, you have a unique call to teach your emerging man about sticking with commitments, even when it’s inconvenient (for him and maybe for you too!), honoring others (basic manners are never out of style), and delaying gratification (e.g., not getting the latest technology simply because it’s available) while practicing contentment and gratitude. Be on the lookout for opportunities to encourage patience and perseverance in your adolescent boy.
Allowing your son to teach you something makes you an ally. There are plenty of times your son will view you as an “enemy,” so capitalizing on every moment of shared purpose and pleasure is crucial. Your son may not be able to express it, but he needs to feel competent in some arena. When you allow an adolescent guy to teach you something, he gains confidence and feels a sense of accomplishment. Trust us; you want him to experience this around you whenever possible, as he will often struggle with feelings of inferiority outside your home. Since parental humility ranks high on the list of traits teens esteem, when you allow your son to help you with technology or show you a skill he’s recently mastered, you also earn his respect.
You can expand that vocabulary. Parents of teenage boys frequently complain that they can’t get anything more than a word (or a measly grunt) out of their sons during the adolescent years. Of course, this isn’t true of every young man; our friends have twin teenage sons who could give the chattiest of girls a verbal run for their money! That said, most boys lag behind their female counterparts
when it comes to a working vocabulary for emotions. For an adolescent guy, “I’m bored” can mean anything from “I’m restless” to “I’m hurting or angry and I want to be distracted so I don’t have to feel it.”
Neurologically, teenage boys have strong emotional reactions (remember, large-and-in-charge amygdalae) but less sophisticated vocabularies and relational intuition. Parents, stop expecting your teen boy to know how to verbalize his experiences and emotions; instead, teach him to do these things. For some, this will feel like retreading worn ground; you may have exerted concerted effort during your son’s childhood, helping him “use his words” rather than express himself physically or stew internally. Take heart! The lessons you spent time teaching in childhood will come back.
Using words to identify your own experiences and emotions gives your son a vocabulary to do the same. Dads, it’s especially helpful for you to model this. Teach your son the difference between emotions: frustration, regret, passion, anger, fear, wariness, lethargy, apathy, and so on. He needs to know that each of these feelings impacts him, and the world around him, in unique ways. Having words to articulate his experience helps your son make sense of a time of life often riddled with nonsense.
Beating the odds may not be easy, but it is possible. Roughly 68 percent of adolescent males view pornography on a regular (at least weekly) basis.5 At the time of this writing, the average adolescent male is exposed to porn first at age eleven.6 We have no doubt that age will continue to drop. And while we included this section in the chapter on adolescent males, it’s important that you know porn isn’t strictly a “guy’s issue.” One in three porn-viewers is female.7
While all of this is certainly alarming, our desire in sharing statistics isn’t to incite panic but rather to encourage you to plan your attack. Since many adolescents are unintentionally exposed to porn, whether at school or at home, monitoring internet usage, installing filters, and engaging openly with your teenagers about this issue is absolutely essential (a one-time “Don’t look at porn” talk doesn’t cut it here).
So is evaluating your own habits. Even some television shows and movies could qualify as “soft porn.” Setting the bar high for your own purity models self-discipline and accountability to your family. We also highly recommend that you get armed, and then arm your teen, with information about what pornography does to the mind and spirit.
Unlike other forms of pleasure, porn lights up multiple portions of the brain at once. It incites a frenzy of neural activity that is highly addictive. It also damages relational intimacy. Don’t be fooled; a little porn isn’t harmless. In fact, recent research indicates that many young (even married) men who have regularly viewed pornography struggle with erectile dysfunction, undermining their physical and emotional capacity to enjoy intimacy.8
The odds may seem insurmountable, but don’t throw up your hands in discouraged defeat; you can wage war for your son’s success. When people play the odds, they do so because even in the direst of situations, victory can be had. Pray for it. Talk about it. Plan for it, and trust God to bring it about.
Faith 101
Teenage guys crave adventure. In many ways they are neurologically wired for it. The little boy who pretended to slay dragons with a stick in your backyard still wants to be caught up in a story greater than his own, an adventure beyond the scope of his daily life. Part of the reason modern video games appeal to so many young men is that they provide a story line within which guys can play a heroic part. Whether it’s a military-style game that allows teenage boys to save the world or a fantasy realm within which he can conquer mythic beasts and win the heart of a ravishingly beautiful princess, the quests and escapades of these alternate realities awaken the natural desire in teenage guys for something more.
In the excellent book he co-authored, A Parent’s Guide to Understanding Teenage Guys, youth ministry veteran Brock Morgan relates a time during early adolescence when his dad popped into his room to read “something amazing” to him. It happened to be from 2 Corinthians 11, a passage chronicling Paul’s sufferings as an apostle: imprisonment, flogging, attempted stoning, shipwreck (times three, no less!), various life-and-death perils at the hands of bandits and false friends, natural disasters, sleeplessness, hunger, exposure, and trumped-up accusations.
Apparently Brock’s dad finished regaling him with Paul’s tales and asked excitedly, “What adventure Paul had in following Jesus, huh?”
Let’s be honest: this isn’t the typical response we see to Paul’s words. Most parents want their sons to avoid—at all costs—any of those so-called “adventures.” For Brock, though, his father’s words struck a chord. He observes,
I had begun to think that following Jesus was about not doing certain things. For me the gospel was about sin management, not an adventurously expectant life. But as a kid, I wanted an adventurous, expectant life. Since the time I was little I had imagined myself being chased by bandits and lost at sea and doing dangerous things, all for the mission that I was on. And now my dad read me something that really resonated. For the first time in my life, I thought that maybe God was calling me into a life of adventure.9
Teenage boys desperately need a vision for something bigger than their own glory, a life of purpose and vision for something greater. As men, they’ll be tempted to measure their value based on their competence, but investing one’s identity in work or any other measure of accomplishment (even at church) leads to disaster. As pastor Tim Keller so brilliantly put it, if you succeed, it goes to your head, and if you fail, it goes to your heart.10
To become godly men, adolescents need to be invited into a noble adventure, a quest worth pursuing. If you don’t believe spreading the life-transforming gospel of Jesus Christ fits that bill, you haven’t embarked on the journey yourself. Living for the glory of God is anything but ho-hum, and teenage boys need to be inspired by the truth. Granted, most won’t be shipwrecked or battling bandits, but the fight of their lives isn’t “against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil” (Eph. 6:12 ESV).
Each and every day, voices clamor to tell your son who he is. By the grace of God, and if you are armed with his truth, your voice can rise above the rest. Tell your son over and over that he is a man after God’s own heart, a man created for something greater than this earth, a man who will find fulfillment only in surrendering to an adventure far more breathtaking (if also baffling) than any he could compose for himself.
Raising a godly man is no easy task. The dynamics are complex and the commitment is costly; it demands a lifetime investment. You don’t have to do it flying solo, though. Indeed, on this journey, you are never alone. The very God who knit your son together in his mother’s womb and who determined which genetic traits would express themselves in this unique and remarkable human (currently disguised as a surly teenager) promises to give you insight into your son.
Ask God to give you a vision for your son’s true heart. Trust God’s Word, not the evidence of a given day. Believe that God can make you creative and quick enough to navigate the sometimes-torrential storm of adolescence, because he not only can, but he will—if only you will ask. As the book of James urges, “If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you. He will not rebuke you for asking” (1:5 NLT). So what are you waiting for? Ask!
Try It Today: “Tell Me More About That”
Next time your son verbally expresses an opinion, use the phrase, “Tell me more about that” to open and extend a dialogue.11
Sadly, many parents of teenage boys settle for discussing details: What time do you need to be picked up? Have you done your homework? Who’s going to be there? Truth be told, it’s tempting to stay on this level, because it’s less complicated than traversing the uneven emotional terrain of a teen boy’s mind. We must not take this path of least resistance when it comes to communicating with adolescent boys.
Ask yo
ur son what makes him angry, what makes him laugh, what he daydreams about. If and when he answers, put the “tell me more about that” plan into action. The more you show your son that you’re interested in and care about what he thinks, the more likely he’ll be to share spontaneously at some point. It’s not a guarantee, but your chances of good communication are far greater when you invite your son into an ongoing conversation.
24
I Feel So Ugly
At sixth grade graduation, I (Jerusha) won two awards: Highest Overall Achievement and Ms. Popularity. But Kayla—a fourth-grader—got Most Attractive Female. Who thought making these elementary school prizes was a good idea, I have no idea. All I remember is my insides twisting into an ugly knot. Even at eleven, I sensed it didn’t matter how successful and popular you were if you weren’t pretty.
During my adolescent years, I never felt quite right about my appearance. I was too this and not enough that, a little more this than I “should” be and too much that to feel good about myself.
Along with all my girlfriends, I endlessly dissected the imperfections of my body, lamenting the “problems” with my thighs and belly. I drank diet soda for lunch if a big event was coming up. I sometimes rose before dawn to jog, circling our neighborhood in inky darkness, purging guilty calories from the day before or burning calories to “pay for” the day ahead. I recycled negative body thoughts over and over, every day. I tacitly agreed with the lie that people could and would judge me by how I looked. Saddest of all, none of this seemed bizarre to me.
Bio 101
Statistics paint a grim picture regarding our national preoccupation with body image. Apparently, no matter what stage of life or state of fitness we’re in, Americans decry their appearance with untamed ferocity.
Your Teenager Is Not Crazy Page 24