Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  In a study of three- to six-year-old girls, nearly half were already worried about being fat. Did you catch the age range of that study? We’re talking about toddlers and preschoolers here. When surveyed, elementary school children say they’d prefer being handicapped to being overweight. Eighty-one percent of ten-year-olds report being afraid of being fat, and more than half of nine- and ten-year-old girls feel better about themselves if they’re on a diet.1

  While preadolescents often speak of “being fat” in general terms, by the time puberty begins, teens turn inward, focusing specifically and negatively on their particular figures. At age thirteen, 54 percent of American girls are “unhappy with their bodies.” By seventeen, 78 percent of girls dislike their size and/or shape. Forty-one percent of teen boys also report overall dissatisfaction with their physical appearance.2

  In our society, if you don’t like what you see, pressure mounts to fix it (or at least try). Teens are not immune to this message. Over 375,000 teenagers are anesthetized for plastic surgery every year.3

  Most of us can’t fathom telling an adolescent that life would be better if they got a nose job, yet how many of us—moms and dads included—communicate contentment with our own bodies to our teenagers? Statistics don’t present a more positive picture here.

  Approximately 91 percent of adult women and 43 percent of adult men are unhappy with their appearance.4 When one national survey asked, “What would you give up if you could slim down permanently?” 5 percent of respondents were actually willing to give up five years of their life.5

  According to another nationwide poll, “A whopping 97 percent [of women] admitted to having at least one ‘I hate my body’ moment” every day. “Research found that, on average, women have 13 negative body thoughts daily—nearly one for every waking hour. And a disturbing number of women confess to having 35, 50 or even 100 hateful thoughts about their own shapes each day.”6

  Here’s the shocking biological reality behind this situation: we’ve actually trained ourselves to be this way. Dr. Ann Kearney-Cooke notes, “Neuroscience has shown that whatever you focus on shapes your brain. If you’re constantly thinking negative thoughts about your body, that neural pathway becomes stronger—and those thoughts become habitual.”7

  The more adolescents dwell on what they don’t like about their bodies, the stronger the neural connections they forge. Moreover, the more prevalent the negative thoughts in a teen’s life, the greater the potential for physical problems and emotional strain.

  Research indicates that people who obsess about their bodies and diet have chronically elevated levels of the stress hormone cortisol, even when life circumstances aren’t otherwise stressed. As a result of increasingly toxic levels of cortisol, those who habitually direct negative attention to their bodies may suffer from elevated blood pressure, lower bone density, increased amounts of unhealthy belly fat, and menstrual problems.8 Lest you dismiss this with, “I’m sure this is true if you’ve got an eating disorder,” be aware that these symptoms can apply to anyone who has recurrent negative thoughts about their appearance.

  Mood swings and emotional outbursts also result from negative body image. Waging an ongoing battle with the mirror or the scale can leave you exhausted and aggravated. What you think about your body directly affects your relationships and your overall life satisfaction, as well as your ability to parent a teen who is vulnerable to the pressures of body dissatisfaction.

  If we’re going to establish a healthy body image and help our teens do the same, we’ve got to look beyond the steam—the “I’m so ugly,” “I feel so fat” comments—and determine what’s making the pot boil: underlying thoughts and beliefs.

  Psych 101

  As his or her body transforms at record speed, nearly every adolescent’s emphasis on body image intensifies. At the same time, the desire to attract the opposite sex increases, and teens almost universally believe the best way to garner attention is through their physical appearance. As if this weren’t enough, adolescents also absorb cultural messages about what it means to be attractive and desirable. It’s no mystery why teenagers focus so many thoughts—often highly emotional and negative ones—on their bodies!

  According to Dr. Nichole Wood-Barcalow, “There are only so many times you can be hit with the message that your body isn’t ‘right’—whether you see it on TV, hear it from your mom or just feel it in the ether—before you internalize it and start beating yourself up for not being as perfect as you ‘should’ be.”9

  Many of us have believed the lie that if we could only look a certain way or weigh a certain amount, we’d feel “good enough,” be more satisfied with life, and be more acceptable to others. Our teenage sons and daughters have believed the same. But these are lies.

  For both men and women, body image develops over time and due to a wide variety of factors. Kids teased mercilessly on the playground for being either “weak and skinny” or “fat and slow” often develop an unhealthy self-perspective. A young woman who develops before her peers may receive excessive attention for her blossoming body, causing her to focus inordinately on her physical appearance. Peers and pubescent timing certainly influence body image.

  Media also impacts our sons and daughters. Many scientific studies have linked television viewing with increased body dissatisfaction.10 Printed pictures influence body image as well. One survey found that 70 percent of women felt depressed, guilty, and shameful after looking at a fashion magazine for only three minutes.11 People more readily recognize the negative way women are objectified by the media, but heightened exposure to idealized visions of masculinity—super-lean, strong, and chiseled actors, sports stars, and models—significantly impacts adolescents as well.

  Of course, limiting teens’ exposure to damaging media images is essential, but you cannot insulate them entirely. You also cannot control what your adolescent hears at school from other students. You can, however, control what you say, what you do, and—most importantly—what you think about your body.

  Your thoughts are key because no matter what comes out of your mouth (or goes into it), your teen will separate empty talk from what you truly believe. If you’re constantly disparaging your body and laughing it off as “just a joke” or with a “but I love myself the way I am” platitude, you’re not fooling your adolescent.

  Moms, can you stop the “I feel fat,” “I just need to lose a few,” “I shouldn’t have eaten that,” “I’ve got to do something about these wrinkles” commentary? Quit quietly accepting the thought—and subtly transferring it to your teen—that people base their decisions to accept or reject us largely on how we look. Dads, you’re not off the hook here. Don’t pat your belly and talk about your lack of discipline. Do something!

  Teenagers everywhere listen to parents decry their weight, shape, and age, and in their highly emotional adolescent way, they absorb the belief that if they just keep the “right” size, shape, or youthful appearance, they’ll feel good enough. Instead of perpetuating this myth that looking a certain way makes you more likable or a better person, let’s start communicating the truth: what’s on your mind influences your body image even more than how your body looks.

  Consider this: You’re in the checkout line at Target, and suddenly you think, “My stomach is disgusting.” You’ve had that same belly all day, so why did this thought unexpectedly pop into your head? Is it because you’ve been staring at nutrition labels or because you’re confronted with airbrushed images on magazine covers? Is it because you’re sure the clerk looked askance when you went into the dressing room with “that size” pants? Did you have a hard day and feel like eating your way through the take-out food section of the phone book?

  If this is the case, no amount of crunches will make you feel better about your stomach. So often what we think about our bodies has very little to do with the reality of what we look like. Our thoughts, and our general satisfaction with life, influence our body image far more than we recognize. We can help adolescen
ts see this.

  We can also take these practical steps to establish a healthy body image and communicate it to adolescents:

  Exercise! Across the board, “survey respondents who worked out regularly tended to report fewer harsh thoughts than those who didn’t. And it’s not just that being physically active improves your shape and health; it actually boosts your mind-set, too. . . . Women felt better about themselves after exercising even when their bodies didn’t change.”12 Exercise impacts overall neurological health, and its benefits for mind-body health fit right in. Modeling a commitment to exercise—not just talking about it, but actually doing it—influences your teen in significant ways.

  Rewire your brain. Because you now know that the brain is plastic (able to be changed), focus on strengthening the right brain connections. When your mind starts spinning negatively or when you catch yourself speaking poorly about your body, say, “Stop.” Literally say it out loud. This disrupts the flow of your synaptic firing. Share this tip with adolescents who criticize themselves; help them break free and wire their brains well!

  Evaluate cultural messages with your teen. Ask your adolescent’s opinion about the way advertisements, TV shows, movies, music, magazines, or websites talk about bodies. Point out hypocrisy or inconsistencies. Ask open-ended questions and keep conversations short and interesting. Remember, a comment dropped here or there is often more effective for teens than lengthy discussions.

  Check the surroundings. Context powerfully influences body image. If your teen is involved in a sport, activity, or peer group that places emphasis on external appearance, watch carefully for signs of negative body image. Be aware of conversations happening between your adolescent and his or her friends. Some environments, such as college campuses and gyms, are notorious breeding grounds for disordered thinking about food, weight, and overall appearance. Constance Rhodes also observes, “An experience as simple as going to the mall can provoke increased feelings of inadequacy and competition. When you consider that the purpose of retail marketing is to remind consumers that there is something we are lacking, it is no wonder that a brief visit can leave us feeling empty and discouraged.”13 Start watching how you and your adolescent respond in certain situations, and then make adjustments in how and where you spend time.

  Affirm your body. Find the things you enjoy about your body and highlight them in front of your teen. For instance, after you finish exercising, you can express how great it feels to be active. You can also verbally thank God for whatever health and strength you have. Gratitude is the ace in your hand against worry and discouragement. You cannot be obsessed with your body and grateful at the same time (more on the mutual exclusivity of thankfulness and worry in chapter 26).

  Stop commenting on other people’s bodies. Whether you’re pointing out positive or negative things, highlighting other people’s bodies puts the focus on appearance and, whether you intend to or not, incites comparison and competition. Be honest: there’s no good reason to evaluate the way someone looks in a bathing suit. Nothing positive comes from you and your teen discussing the appearance of others.

  What Every Parent and Teen Should Know

  When negative body image escalates, eating disorders may develop. Because “eating disorders are based on the belief that food and eating (or lack of eating) are the key to changing one’s entire life,” they are about more than just body image.14 Control, freedom, fear, anger, and painful experiences influence the development of eating disorders.

  Over one-half of teenage girls and nearly one-third of teenage boys use unhealthy weight control behaviors such as skipping meals, fasting, smoking cigarettes, vomiting, and taking laxatives.15

  Bulimia nervosa—characterized by the excessive consumption and subsequent purging of food through vomiting, laxatives, or obsessive exercise—has been called an adolescent epidemic. An epidemic, not a fad or trend. Binging and purging can become addictive because the body releases endorphins after eating, initially calming the brain, sometimes sparking a sense of euphoria. These feelings are short-lived, however, as bulimics later experience guilt, shame, anger, and fear, which drive them to purge the food consumed.

  Anorexia nervosa and its pattern of severe food restriction, whether through self-starvation or the consumption of only “safe” foods, deny the body essential nutrients needed to function normally. With prolonged food restriction, the brain’s ability to manufacture and utilize the calming agent serotonin decreases, which—tragically—causes further obsession. Over time, the body begins to shut down. Anorexia nervosa has the highest mortality rate of any psychiatric disorder.16

  Binge eating disorder, identified by the National Eating Disorders Association as the most common form of dysfunctional eating, involves consistent consumption, over a short period of time, of more food than the body needs. BED is accompanied by distressed emotions and the sense that one is out of control.

  Sub-threshold eating disorders, or eating disorders not otherwise specified (EDNOS), silently affect millions of Americans. Because those with EDNOS—men and women who diet chronically, yo-yo between weights, and/or engage in occasional binges, purges, and food restriction—don’t usually fit a classic eating disorder diagnosis, they may never seek help for or even be aware of their problem. Between 25 and 40 percent of older adolescents struggle with hazardously unhealthy attitudes toward eating and weight, yet only 6 percent would be diagnosed as clinically anorexic and bulimic, which means a large percentage never get the help they need.17

  If you suspect negative body image is beginning to control your son’s or daughter’s life, don’t wait. Seek help immediately. Your doctor’s office, school, or church may have a list of recommended clinicians.

  Faith 101

  Growing up, I (Jerusha) memorized Ephesians 2:10: “We are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus.” I love this verse, but the word workmanship made me think of something rough and unsophisticated, something that needed, for lack of a better description, a lot of work.

  In the original Greek, however, the word rendered “workmanship” is actually poeima, an ancient term connoting nothing less than an incomparable work of genius. As God’s poeima, your teenager is a glorious masterpiece. So are you.

  I am particularly fond of Vincent van Gogh’s painting Starry Night. The vibrant colors, the rich textures, and the subtlety and power of this masterful work simply awe me. I have come to see that God views me as a masterpiece, much like this. In fact, I love to imagine him looking at me as I view that painting—full of passion and vibrant color, depth and complexity.

  God sees your teen as a masterpiece, and he or she needs to hear it. God sees you as a masterpiece, and you need to hear it too.

  I know some of you are thinking, Maybe I was God’s masterpiece as he originally designed me, but I’ve ruined my body. If I had my act together, I’d look the way I could and should look.

  This is a lie. There is no “right” appearance, and there is nothing that can in any way diminish your heritage as a masterpiece. Believing what God says about you actually enables you, in the healthiest way, to take care of your body with balance, freedom, and joy. Health is important to God—we are, after all, masterpieces and should treat ourselves as such—but it’s time to disregard the lie that we’d be happier, accepted, and at peace if we looked a certain way. Your adolescent needs to see that you believe the question of your happiness, acceptability, and lovability was settled forever on the cross, not at the gym.

  Let’s make it our goal to pray, “Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it” (Ps. 139:14 NLT). If we truly believe what God says about us, our teens will notice.

  Try It Today

  Starting today, take a two-week break from verbally criticizing your appearance. The less you verbalize things, the less you dwell on them and the less power they have over you. This is true both neurologically and spiritually. We know from science that we strengthen neural pathways with re
petition and attention. In the spiritual realm, the enemy tempts us in areas of weakness. Do you think it’s possible that when we verbalize things such as “I hate my thighs” or “This makes me look fat,” the adversary picks up little ways to attack our hearts and minds? Stop saying negative things about yourself for two weeks and see what happens.

  Here’s another benefit of not criticizing your body: as you set an example for teens, they’ll be attracted to the freedom you’re enjoying. At the end of your life, do you think you’ll wish that you had been thinner or that you had worried less and enjoyed more? Why live any differently today?

  25

  I Hate My Life

  Lisa knocked on her daughter Avery’s door for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day. She knew it was considered normal for teenagers to sleep a lot, especially during summer vacation, but for weeks Avery had been awake less than asleep. It was now 2:00 p.m., and Lisa was concerned. Avery was sixteen. Shouldn’t she be out enjoying life, hanging with friends, doing teenager stuff?

  Suddenly, the door flew open. Without a word to her mother, Avery walked zombielike to the kitchen, pulled a half gallon of ice cream from the freezer, and headed back toward her room. Lisa honestly didn’t know what to do.

  “Honey, I’m worried . . .” she began.

  Lisa half hoped Avery would fly off the handle and yell; at least that would show some sign of life. Instead, her daughter turned to her and, with a deep, shaking sigh, sank to her knees sobbing.

  Bright, talented, attractive . . . Harrison had it all. Everyone expected great things from him. They’d told him so for as long as he could remember. He’d always had a great relationship with his parents—even after their divorce—and he doted on his three younger half sisters. At school, at church, at the coffee shop where he worked, Harrison was universally loved.