Your Teenager Is Not Crazy

by Jerusha Clark

  Because adolescent brains don’t naturally tend toward wise decision-making and forethought, teens often struggle to implement healthy coping strategies during stressful times. Those who haven’t seen healthy coping skills modeled at home may turn to alcohol, drugs, or other destructive behaviors to deal with problems.

  Whether adolescents use a substance because they think that’s the only way to have fun or because they are reeling from deep, emotional wounds, it’s a myth that a little teenage “partying” never hurt anyone. Let’s look at some other prevalent myths about substance abuse, dispelling each in turn.

  Myth: Parents can’t do much about teenage experimentation.

  Truth: Teens report that their parents’ attitude toward illicit substance use is a primary determining factor in their own habits. Adolescents are watching; they are listening. What you say, what you model, and how you respond to cultural messages (everything from ads during the Super Bowl to lyrics in music) matters. Also, the most basic steps often prove to be highly effective, so don’t dismiss obvious solutions. Not stockpiling liquor, thereby making it more accessible, is important. Monitoring where and with whom teens hang out is crucial. Of course your teen may choose to deceive you, but teenage deception is often so poorly planned that it can be exposed with a little prodding; we can thank God for their poor executive functioning here!

  Myth: Substance experimentation is no big deal; it’s a rite of passage.

  Truth: Because teenagers are prone to extremes, adolescent drinking and marijuana use are major concerns. Statistics show that teens don’t “party” moderately. The Centers for Disease Control reports that 90 percent of underage alcohol consumption occurs in the form of binge drinking, defined as ingesting large amounts of alcohol in short amounts of time. The vast majority of teenagers drink with the sole purpose of getting drunk. Likewise, they smoke weed with one goal in mind: getting high (i.e., plastered, wasted, or any number of synonyms). Why is this so problematic? From a brain development perspective, binge drinking kills neural cells and their connections, especially in regions that control attention and memory.1 Despite what some media outlets, and many teens, would like you to believe, research also repeatedly illustrates that marijuana use alters the brain, especially during adolescence. According to Dr. Jesse Payne, “Marijuana damages the brain, particularly the memory and learning centers. . . . More recent research has also found that the earlier people start using marijuana, the worse the brain damage is.”2 The teenage brain, already under heavy construction, suffers profoundly from substance abuse. In addition, research indicates that those who drink before age fifteen are five times more likely to develop alcohol dependence later in life.3 As we mentioned earlier, teenagers are particularly vulnerable to addiction because of their highly active reward system and sensitivity to chemicals that act on dopaminergic circuitry. Becoming addicted is a genuine risk for any teen who uses substances. Don’t risk the future on a “teens will be teens, it’ll be okay” wager.

  Myth: It’s hard to tell when a teen is abusing substances.

  Truth: More often than not, the warning signs are clear. Sadly, many parents are too self-involved or stressed out to notice. If your son or daughter consistently breaks curfew, comes home with a fresh piece of gum or wearing different clothes, acts spacey or disconnected, has bloodshot eyes, or gains or loses weight over a short period of time, don’t be foolish; address these things head-on. Because symptoms of depression and anxiety can accompany substance abuse, be on the lookout for changes in interests or activities (by choice or being kicked off a team or fired from a job), outbursts of anger (verbal or physical), restlessness or tremors, unexplained absenteeism from school, and digital messages that provoke exaggerated anxiety or ecstasy.

  Myth: If I catch my teen experimenting with substances, it’s best to crack down hard.

  Truth: Firm consequences with lots of empathy produce the greatest results with teenagers. In no way should drug or alcohol abuse be tolerated. You can remain empathetic and caring as you address the situation, however. Try to remember what it was like to be a teenager. In a word: hard. It’s easy to be confused when the world around you says partying is what adolescent life is all about. If you can remain calm, you’ll be able to engage in dialogue. Your son or daughter may not be able to answer “Why?” or “What were you thinking?” but if you ask open-ended questions (e.g., “What did you hope to get out of this?” and “What did you actually get out of this?”), you may uncover some important dynamics. Lecturing, nagging, and threatening are not effective strategies. Don’t allow your pride—“How could you do this to us?” or “What did we do wrong?”—to destroy your opportunity to help. Fight fiercely for your adolescent, not against him or her.

  Appendix B

  The Truth about Self-Injury

  Note: This section provides basic information about self-injury, but it does not outline intervention strategies or enumerate specific treatment approaches. For parents facing crisis situations, we recommend seeking professional help from a pastor, youth worker, or counselor.

  Each and every day, millions of teenagers cut, burn, hit, bite, scratch, or otherwise hurt themselves. Parents fight terror, confusion, and desperation after discovering their child willfully injures him- or herself. According to international research, as many as 24 percent of adolescents have experimented with nonsuicidal self-injury in the past year. Studies also show that between 6 and 8 percent of young adults suffer from “current, chronic self-injury.”1 In order to face this issue with wisdom and compassion, we must debunk myths surrounding self-harm and replace them with solid, hopeful truth.

  Myth: Self-harm is a teenage phase that people outgrow.

  Truth: While most self-harmers report they started during early adolescence, the frequency and intensity of self-injury actually peaks in the tumultuous twenties. If you discover self-harming behavior, do not ignore it or wait for it to pass. Early intervention and treatment can prevent self-harm from becoming a lifetime struggle.

  Myth: Self-injury makes no sense.

  Truth: Because self-harm stimulates the release of incredibly powerful and calming neurochemicals, it makes tragic physiological “sense” to those who experience it. When a person self-injures, naturally occurring opiates that are eight to ten times stronger than morphine flood the brain, giving self-harmers a potent sense of relief and release. While these are temporary physical sensations, people who self-injure may return to the behavior again and again in an effort to replicate the experience.

  Myth: People self-injure because they are violent, like pain, or are mentally ill.

  Truth: For the vast majority of sufferers, self-harm is a coping mechanism, not an expression of psychosis. Listen to the reasons self-injurers give for their behavior:

  I feel like I don’t have control of anything else.

  It’s the only way I can express my pain without hurting people I care for.

  I’m a failed human being.

  To release anger or frustration.

  To punish myself.

  To get relief, to feel something.2

  Self-harmers aren’t crazy; they’re hurting and don’t know where else to turn. While it’s true that some self-injurers struggle with mental health issues or are violent, those who surround self-wounding teenagers must not make assumptions, but rather seek to understand why they turn to self-harm. This is the first step toward healing.

  Myth: If we can stop the behavior and remove everything dangerous, things will get better.

  Truth: Self-harm is an indicator, somewhat like steam escaping from a boiling pot. In order to overcome it, you must address what’s making the pot boil. Never forget: people turn to self-injury as a means of relieving emotional pain. Of course it’s important to disrupt patterns and remove items that can be used to self-harm. For genuine healing to take place, however, underlying issues must be tackled. Teenage impulses to self-harm start with feelings all of us can understand: rejection, fear, anger, grief, betray
al, sorrow, neglect, disappointment, loss of control. Some people develop healthy ways of addressing emotional turmoil; others overeat, drink, take drugs, or drown themselves in work. You have a coping mechanism; it may or may not be healthy. If we can embrace that teenagers who self-harm are battling feelings we understand, we can set aside misperceptions, deal with the root issues, and help teens develop healthier coping mechanisms. Important note: Because high incidences of self-injury occur among those who have been abused and/or struggle with body image issues, it’s wise to investigate these possibilities.

  Myth: Self-injury is a failed suicide attempt.

  Truth: Self-injury is more often a survival technique than an exit strategy. Self-inflicted violence is often a last-ditch effort to grab hold of life, however painful that life may be, rather than a suicide attempt. Indeed, a common refrain among self-harmers is, “I felt I’d die if I didn’t cut.” Sufferers may entertain thoughts about suicide, and some habitual self-injurers do try to take their own lives, but most self-harmers don’t want to kill themselves, but rather something in themselves—pain, fear, anger, feelings of worthlessness, and so on.

  Myth: The best method for treating self-inflicted violence is medication.

  Truth: Self-harm is all at once physical, psychological, and spiritual; a holistic approach is the most effective. Medical and therapeutic treatment is essential, but don’t neglect the spiritual dimension of self-injury. Shame plays a major role in self-inflicted violence. Self-harmers often experience shame as a pervasive sense that there is something deeply and irreparably wrong with them. Shame attacks the core of our very selves; it focuses not on a bad thing we’ve done or said but on who we are. The only antidote is grace, the free gift of God that overcomes shame. In the life-giving words of Lewis Smedes, “We experience grace as power: it provides a spiritual energy to shed the heaviness of shame and, in the lightness of grace, move toward the true self God means us to be.”3 Many self-harmers try to “punish” themselves or “pay for mistakes,” but it is by Jesus’s wounds that we are healed (see Isa. 53:5). God’s grace empowers us to courageously confront what’s inside and around us. It then allows us to embrace the Good News that we can be accepted, fully and irreversibly, no matter what our past or present, no matter what unacceptable things we might do in the future. Self-harmers need to hear this.

  Recommended resource: Jerusha Clark with Dr. Earl Henslin, Inside a Cutter’s Mind: Understanding and Helping Those Who Self-Injure (Colorado Springs: NavPress, 2007).

  Appendix C

  The Truth about Suicide

  Note: This section provides basic information about suicide, but it does not outline intervention strategies or enumerate specific treatment approaches. For parents facing crisis situations, we recommend seeking immediate professional help.

  Suicide is the third leading cause of adolescent death. According to the Centers for Disease Control, however, “deaths from youth suicide are only part of the problem. More young people survive suicide attempts than actually die.” Indeed, a nationwide survey of United States high school students found approximately one in every six midadolescents (16 percent) reported seriously considering suicide, 13 percent acknowledged creating a plan, and 8 percent attempted suicide in the twelve months preceding the survey.1

  Imagine your son or daughter standing with five close friends. Statistics indicate that one of them will seriously contemplate taking his or her own life this year. We cannot ignore these statistics with a “not my child” attitude. A shameful stigma surrounding victims of suicide and their families persists today, shrouding this topic in misperceptions, but suicidal ideation, attempts, and deaths can be prevented when we debunk the myths.

  Myth: Only teens with mental health issues are at risk for suicide.

  Truth: A wide variety of physical, emotional, and situational factors place adolescents at risk. Teenagers suffering from depression or other mood disorders may battle suicidal thoughts, but other risk factors include stressful life events or losses (e.g., divorce or the death of a close family member or friend), substance use (because alcohol and drugs change the already-delicate chemical balance of the teenage brain), easy access to lethal methods (particularly firearms), exposure to the suicidal behavior of others (usually highlighted by the media), and trouble with the law. Relationship struggles—anger at oppressive authority figures, a romantic breakup, bullying, social isolation—also play a role in the suicidal intentions of adolescents. Statistics are clear: it’s not just teenagers with extended histories of mental illness who attempt suicide. In fact, of those who take their own lives, only 15 percent had been diagnosed with a mental health issue.2 Many people who commit suicide seemed “completely normal” to those around them. Pursue medical and emotional evaluation for a teen if significant changes in mood, circumstances, and/or behavior last longer than two weeks.

  Important notes: If a teenager is prescribed psychotropic medication, it can take several weeks for the drug to reach therapeutic levels. Teens should be carefully monitored during this time because antidepressant medications can cause serious, adverse effects in some people. Also, people who have devised a plan for taking their own lives sometimes seem to “get better” right before committing suicide. Cautiously observe and speak openly with teens at risk.

  Myth: A lot more teenagers talk about suicide than actually do it.

  Truth: Healthy adolescents don’t talk about ending their lives. If your son or daughter mentions wanting to die or threatens to take his or her life, act immediately. Statistics reveal that 80 percent of people who commit suicide talked about it before attempting.3 In verbalizing their thoughts about suicide, teenagers give us the opportunity to help—now. Have your teen’s medical doctor evaluate his or her overall health; some problems, such as poor thyroid functioning or anemia, for instance, can cause major mood disruption. Make an appointment with a professional counselor as well, preferably one who has a history of successful work with teenagers. Churches and schools often provide parents with lists of vetted clinicians. Do not wait on these things; your immediate attention is required.

  Myth: Talking about suicide with hurting teens “puts the idea in their heads.”

  Truth: Research clearly shows that teens who have an outlet for their thoughts and feelings are far less likely to commit suicide. Directly ask teenagers who have hinted at suicide or wanting to die if they’ve entertained a plan. This shows that you care and creates a bridge for conversation. “Most teens interviewed after making a suicide attempt say that they did it because they were trying to escape from a situation that seemed impossible to deal with or to get relief from really bad thoughts or feelings.”4 Reaching out openly and listening attentively helps teens see there are other options for facing difficult emotions, circumstances, and thoughts. Also keep in mind that healthy teens benefit from open dialogue about suicide as well. Mentioning to adolescents that people sometimes feel desperate during the tumultuous teenage years normalizes roller-coaster emotions that may otherwise frighten teens and prevent them from speaking out. A teen who knows “crazy” thoughts may occur but don’t automatically mean he or she is “mental,” needs to be hospitalized, or is destined to commit suicide is much better prepared for potentially unnerving emotional experiences. These teens may become allies to wounded friends as well. Don’t ignore this issue; talk with teenagers—your own and their peers—and let them know you are a safe person to whom they can turn in times of trouble.

  Important note: Never promise your teen or any other teenager that you will keep secret a confession of suicidal ideation.

  Myth: Teens who really want to die will find a way.

  Truth: Any small disruption in a suicide plan gives an adolescent another “out.” Every professional counselor can tell stories of kids who didn’t succeed in taking their own lives simply because they couldn’t use a preferred method (usually a gun) that had been removed from the house or locked away. No teenager should have easy access to firearms, by far the
number one choice for suicidal adolescents, or poisons, the third most common method. If teens cannot locate these items or have to work “too hard” to find or utilize them, it may provide just enough time for them to be discovered or to reconsider. Don’t make it easy for hurting teens to hurt themselves.

  Recommended resource: The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, 1–800–273–TALK (8255), provides a twenty-four-hour, toll-free hotline. Callers are routed to a crisis center to receive immediate counseling and local mental health care referrals. The Lifeline supports people who call for themselves or someone they care about. More resources, including live chat services, are also available at http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/.

  Acknowledgments

  Together, Jeramy and Jerusha would like to thank . . .

  Our Lord and Savior, who wrote his truth into our neurons, hearts, and souls. We love you!

  Spencer and Rona Clark, for praying fervently, modeling a life of faith, and staying engaged in our lives—even when Dave and I were wreaking havoc during our teen years. Your investment in and sacrifices for us have shaped our lives in every way.

  J. A. C. and LeAnn Redford. You raised four teenagers; that is a marvelous feat in and of itself! Even better, your children became adults who love spending time with you and each other. What wonderful evidence of God’s grace and your commitment to him!

  Dennis Keating (Pastor Spagootch). Your unwavering support and involvement not only in Jeramy’s ministry but also in our entire family is a blessing beyond measure.

  Kathy Moratto, for faithfully ministering to our family and church, for cherished friendship, and for merciless teasing.

  Tom and Penny Anderson, whose faithful love upholds and blesses us.

  Todd Hoyt, for your A+ friendship and crazy linebacker skills on the basketball court (A-).