Maybe he isn’t into you anymore. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk to you.
The thoughts invoked by a voice deep in my head race, making me even more unsure of what I am to him.
“He will come around,” is what Nikki says when I call and give her the news on the article.
“He just needs his space, Ev. Brody has always been this way,”
She sounds like Mrs. Ferguson.
“I’m not defending you know who, but that was a big problem for Brody and‘C’ when they were dating.”
I really don’t want to hear about Celine right now. Nikki has decided to call her“C” because the sound of saying her spoken name is like rubbing salt in an open wound, excruciatingly painful.
“Just give him some time and space ... I know that isn’t what you want to hear, but it is what he needs. Guys like Brody ... he just needs to work things out in his head first. Okay?”
Chapter 3:
Somewhere Between
The next day, I am in my room listening to music when Mom knocks on my door. She says Brody is downstairs and I practically fall off my bed getting to the door to make sure I heard her right. It is hard to believe he would be here with how the texting conversation went last night.
“Brody is here?”
She looks at me curiously.“Uh, yeah. Is it a surprise that he would come seeyou?”
“No, I just had my earbuds on and didn’t think I heard you right.”
I divert my eyes from her as I sense the next question bubbling to her lips.“Is everything okay with you two?”
I don’t know!
“Yeah, everything is fine,” I say as I walk past her, not knowing what to expect from Brody’s visit.
He is leaning against the back of the sofa listening intently to Dad’s small talk until he sees me. He stands tall and clears his throat.“Hey.”
“Hey.”
“It was good to see you, Brody. If you need anything, just let us know, son,” Dad says, reaching his hand out to take Brody’s.
“Thank you, Mr. Phillips,” Brody says as he shakes Dad’s hand. As dad leaves us standing there, I wonder what they were talking about.
“Can we talk out front?” Brody asks
I swallow hard, my mind scurrying trying to figure out what would bring him here the morning after our awkward texting and why he would need to talk to me out front and not in my room or the back porch or right here for that matter.
“Uh, yeah.Sure.”
As I close the door behind me, Brody is already feet away from me in the driveway. Why is he moving away from my house? Is he going to tell me something that will make me mad? Or is he so mad about something he wants to be as far from my house as possible so Dad doesn’t hear him? Even though I don’t want to follow him, I do.
Tucking his hands into his oil-stained jeans, he glances at me for a split second then looks down at the concrete. He furrows his brows, like he always does when he is thinking.“Your article about Gavin...”
He must have reread it and decided he didn’t like it. That is why he is here, to tell me that he doesn’t want it to run.
The article hurt him. You hurt him, Evan.
I feel a burn in the pit of my stomach, the kind of burn you get when someone is going to emotionally slap you. A feeling I have known all too well from those back home in San Francisco, but hoped I would never experience again, especially from Brody. He reaches into his back pocket and pulls out the article, unfolding it and ironing out the creases with his large hands.“This article is...”
He looks up at me with an intensity in his eyes that weakens my legs.“Perfect. You have captured everything. It is amazing, California.”
California.
I think my heart just stopped.“Oh.”
The lump in my throat makes it hard to formulate sound, but I make a go of it.“Thank you, but I can’t take all the credit. Nikki did quite a bit of the writing. She is brilliant and the article needed her finishing touches to shine.”
Brody steps toward me, brow still furrowed.“Yeah, but I see you in the words. You are there in this article. Your heart is written all over it.”
He sees me in the words?
“How do you do that, California?” he asks, stepping so close to me that we are sharing the same air now.
“What?”
“Put so much of your heart into everything you do?”
I can’t help looking down from his eyes to his lips.
Kiss him.
“I’m not sure.”
He pulls back and holds the article between us. My fingers grazing his as I take it.Wanting to keep him here with me, I ask,“About last night...”
Why, Evan? Why are you going there? He doesn’t want to talk to you! He has made that perfectly clear. Just shut up!
Brody’s demeanor changes in an instant, as he runs his hand through his hair then crosses his arms tightly over his chest.“Look, Evan. I really don’t want to talk about it. I was tired and I...”
See! He doesn’t want to talk!
“No, I understand that you...”
The way he closes his eyes and shakes his head, like what is happening right now is physically painful to tolerate, makes my heart ache for him.“I honestly don’t think you do understand.”
Now I’m the one looking everywhere but at him, wanting to escape this horrible feeling inside.
He shifts his weight as he backs away from me, throwing his hands up in the air.“Look, it was a bad day, all right? Can we just leave it at that and not make a big deal out of it?”
I nod slowly as I press my lips together, feeling his rejection and holding in the things I want to say to him right now.
No! I can’t forget about it because I know you are hurting and I can’t do anything to help you because you won’t let me in!
I fall back on old faithful; my sarcasm, my shield, my defense.“Yes. Sure. I can totally forget about it. Not a problem, Texas.”
I look into his eyes as they teeter on the deep forest green they turn when he is frustrated. I extend my hand with arrogance in the gesture of a handshake, my ultimate jab.“Let’s just call it a day. Friends?”
The sharpness in my voice isn’t as cutting as the intended use of the word“friends,” one I instantly regret after saying it. It was meant to hurt him, but I can’t deny I feel the emotional cut myself.
I’m not sure if he searches my eyes with concern or curiosity as he takes hold of my hand. Even though his touch weakens my anger, I don’t cave. He holds my hand longer than I expect him to, making me question being such a bitch just then.
It’s too late to take it back, Evan.
He releases my hand, then tucks his hands back into his pockets. He doesn’t look at me when he starts talking again.“Mom and I are able to visit Gavin today. You were really close with him so if you wanted to see him, maybe you could just come with us or something.”
I want to say no after what just happened between us, but I think of Gavin.“Yes, I would like to see him.”
“Come over around three,” Brody says before he turns around and walks off without another word.
Mom is sitting on the sofa flipping aimlessly through a magazine when I go back into the house.“Everything all right?”
She was so spying on us.
“Yep.Great,” I say quickly as I make my escape to my room.
***
As I leave the house and walk over to the Ferguson home, I still feel the anger boiling inside of me, even though I have tried to calm down. Should I have done things differently? Not been so eager to make him talk today? When I get to their front door, I decide to let it go for now and not let him see he has gotten under my skin. We shook on being friends and even if I did it out of sheer anger, I am going to follow through with it even though my heart wants more than what friends could ever offer. He clearly does not want more than friends. I mean, he shook on it so he wants only that too; friends is enough for him.
Knocking on the door, I th
ink about what hurts even deeper than the friend thing. Brody and I might not even qualify as friends. I mean, we fell in love and now we have fallen ... I don’t know ... Somewhere other than love or friendship.
Brody opens the door and I have a distinct feeling of deja vu from days ago when we held each other on the front porch.
“You ready?” he asks as he fishes his keys out of his pocket then looks back into the house.
“Yeah,” I say aimlessly as he ignores my presence.
“Ready, Mom?” he asks.
“Yes, coming,” his mom says. Brody brushes past me first, then his mom as we get into Brody’scar to go see Gavin.
***
Seeing Gavin was bittersweet. While it was a relief to see him safe, it held a tremendous amount of pain to see him in an institution, sedated. That night Nikki texts me.
Nikki: Hey. Come over.
Evan: Why?
Nikki: The article. We need to talk
We need to talk sounded urgent and paired with it being about the article makes me worry more.
“What’s up?” I ask as I follow her up the stairs to her bedroom. When she opens the door I see Brody, Lia, and Asher sitting in different spots in her room. Brody and I make eye contact, but he quickly breaks it. He seems to shift uncomfortably, then rises from his chair. I know it is my being here that is making him uncomfortable.
Nikki stands in the middle of the room, her arms crossed, but her hand still fidgeting nervously. She searches the ground as she speaks.“The papers have been delivered to the school and we need to plan to deliver them to the classrooms when we go back. I didn’t expect it to be ready the first day back, but it is and now I am shitting bricks with nerves and need you guys to help pass them out.”
I have never seen Nikki nervous.
“What are you worried about?” Liaasks as she sits cross-legged on Nikki’s bed.“Is there a problem with the article?”
She shakes her head.“No, the article is perfect. Evan wrote most of it.”
Damn it, she wasn’t supposed to tell them. Brody looks at me and I know he is wondering why I lied to him about Nikki writing most of the article.
“That isn’t true,” I mumble, trying to save face in front of him.“I only worked on the first two paragraphs, then Nikki...”
Nikki cuts me off,“Evan, you did most of it and that is why it is so amazing! I just wasn’t expecting it to be ready to distribute on the first day back!”
She realizes her harsh voice.“Sorry. I didn’t mean to bite your head off.”
I shrug and attempt to shift the focus away from me.“It will be fine. We will all be there to pass them out and get them to every student on campus.” The optimism I exude is foreign. I guess it is to everyone else in the room too as they all gawk at me.
“Yeah, we will be there for this,” Brody says as he stares at me, unflinching, like he does when he is trying to figure me out. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I see a glistening in his eyes, the kind you get when tears start to well up. But, this is Brody Ferguson, the guy who has shown no emotion for more than three weeks. Why would he tear up from what I have said? Why would anything I do make him change from his stoic, emotionless self to someone who outwardly feels?
He is still staring at me. Self-consciously, I look down at the carpet beneath me, pretending that I am oblivious of the pedestal Brody has put me on and concealing the fact that I am completely focused and hanging on every word he is saying.
“You have done something so brave and selfless for Gavin and for all of us. We will be there.” As Brody’s puts his praise out into the room, I notice Lia’s eyes bobbing back and forth between Brody and me like she is tracking a ping pong ball, daring me to look at this guy who no more than five minutes ago was giving me the cold shoulder. Just as I look at him, he breaks this deep concentration on me and focuses at Nikki.“You all have done something for every kid who has ever felt an inkling of what Gavin felt. Going back to that school, we need to do this together.”
***
Nikki walks us to the door to leave, but not before she mentions the carpooling arrangements.“So Liacan go with Ash and I and Evan you can go with Brody.”
What the? Feeling that this arrangement could potentially piss Brody off, I look over at him and my suspicion is solidified. I see the hesitation in his eyes and he starts stumbling over his words,“I plan to get there, you know, early, and if she isn’t ready, well maybe it...”
With all of us standing out in the front yard now, I notice Asher, Nikki, and Lia glance at each other with confusion.
“Why wouldn’t she be ready?” Nikki asks pointedly.
I quickly speak up to try and stop an argument between her and Brody.“Um, my mom can take me. What time are we meeting?”
“Your mom doesn’t have to take you. I can take you,” Brody says with a hint of annoyance.
I try to keep my frustration in check as I respond to him and slowly step away from the circle we have made in the yard.“I don’t want to put you out. It seems like I am.”
“What? It’s not putting me out!” he says with a condescending chuckle at the end before he pushes it a step further.“If it was I would have said I couldn’t!”
I want to look at him, but I’m afraid if I do I might burst into tears, so I look at Nikki, who is burning holes through Brody with her eyes.
“Then just wait for her and stop being an ass!” Nikki snaps and crosses her arms over her chest.
Asher jumps in as the voice of reason,“Okay, everyone. We are all a little on edge with the first day back days away. We don’t know what to expect, everyone is still shaken up, and we just need to take our emotions down a notch. All right?”
Asher pulls Nikki to his side and hugs her to his body. She remains focused on Brody though.
Sensing the tension and obviously wanting an escape, Liaexcuses herself,“I better get home.”
“We will pick you up at eight,” Asher calls after her as she walks off of the lawn and onto the sidewalk.
I want out of this conversation too. I back away to head home, but not without saying one last time,“My mom is leaving early tomorrow. I’m getting a ride with her.”
Asher tries to change my mind.“Evan, just let Brody take you.”
I look at Brody one last time, hoping he might realize what a jerk he is being, but all I see is this turmoil and hesitation. I don’t get it at all! I turn away from them and head toward my house across the street.“I have to go. See you tomorrow.” The words burn as I speak them with emotion tickling my tightened throat.
I hear Nikki and Brody bickering in secrecy, then Brody’s voice.“Evan.”
Hearing him call my name should be music to my ears, but all I hear pity and I don’t need it.
I don’t respond, just keep walking as I step onto the curb at my front lawn. Suddenly, Brody steps in front of me.“Hey, I was a fucking jerk back there. I’m sorry. I just...”
I glance back across the street and see that Nikki and Ash are no longer on the front lawn. Feeling liberated by not having an audience, I take in a deep breath and let loose.“You just what?Look, I am not a charity case and I don’t need anyone pitying me. I can find my own way to school.”
Brody steps toward me.“Charity case?You think I pity you?”
“I’m not some desperate schoolgirl that can’t find her way without you,” I say, not ready to let this freedom of expression go.
Brody’s eyes narrow.“You aren’t any of those things and that is the furthest thing from my mind!”
“Then what is on your mind? Because that is the one thing that I can’t figure out! What is on Brody Ferguson’s mind?”
He looks up, breathes in deeply before he looks back into my eyes, this time without frustration, but more of worry.“I justdon’t know what is going on with me. I’m trying to find myself, the way I used to be, and I just can’t figure out how to get back there.”
I want to understand, but him speaking in code is not he
lping.
He shakes his head and looks down as he throws his hands up in the air like he is giving up.“I don’t know what is going on with me.”
“Maybe you need to talk...”
“Evan,” he warns.
“Not to me. To Dr. Larson.”
He shakes his head as he backs away.“No, I’m fine. Look, I’m sorry I was such an asshole back there. Just meet me out here at seven forty-five, okay?”
Seeing him walk away now, I start up my driveway, when he calls out, to me.“Evan.”
He is standing in the middle of the sidewalk.“Why didn’t you admit you wrote most of the article about Gavwhen I first asked you? Why did you lie?”
I don’t really want to talk about this, but if this is the only way I can talk with Brody, I will take it and break my own silent intentions. I foldmy arms over my chest.“Nikki wrote some.”
He continues,“Yeah, I knew you had written most of it. I told you I could see your emotion in every word. Look, I’m not mad at you for lying. I just want you to know that the same reasons you are holding back from me might just be the same reasons I’m holding back from you.”
“I don’t understand.” God, I desperately want to know what reasons he is talking about.
He smiles softly before it melts away too quickly.“Yeah, I know the feeling.”
I try and maneuver through my reason for not telling him about the article.“I guess the reason I didn’t tell you was because I was afraid of how you might react to it. I was afraid my words would hurt you.”
I look into his eyes now when I say,“I never want to hurt you.”
His lips part, like he is finally taking a breath after holding it too long.“I don’t want to either, Evangeline.”
Reviving Evan (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novella) Page 2