Feeling the need to touch his arm, let him know that I care, I reach out but am rejected immediately as Brody pulls away and shakes his head in denial.“No, I can’t do this. Everything is so fucked up right now, I can’t even think straight!”
He is pulling away from you. He doesn’t want you anymore.
As he paces back and forth, the anger evident on his face turns to pure distress and panic.“I justdon’t want you rushing into something that you might not want.”
Before I can get a word in, to tell him that he couldn’t be more wrong, he turns away and storms to the door.“I shouldn’t have come over.”
“Brody, don’t leave,” I plead just as he closes the door behind him. Suddenly I am invisible, empty and unable to move as I stand in the middle of the work shed alone.
Chapter 8:
Callus
Two days pass and I still feel like I have been blown out of the water by Brody’s simultaneous admittance for missing me and then rejection of the desire to be together. I think I am safe in saying that he definitely desired me as much as I did him, do I mean. It is just fitting today happens to be Valentine’s Day. Balloons, hearts, candy, chocolates, love, lust ... not rejection. The antithesis of rejection. I should look at the brighter side; at least I have felt the full effect of being rejected by Brody before today, so I wouldn’t be pining away on this day hoping he would miraculously tell me he loved me and didn’t want to go another day of feeling alone without me. THAT would be the nail in the coffin, the epitome of being rejected.
Today, the rejection has changed. I don’t know if it is the atmosphere or just the complexities of being me, but the sadness is slipping away and transforming into a callus hardening of the blow I took to my ego the other night, I suppose. I never considered becoming one of those people, the ones with calluses on their hearts.
“Just come with us. He misses you and it will only be Mrs. Ferguson and us. Brody isn’t going,” Lia tries to talk me into it as we walk down the hall between classes.
It isn’t that I don’t want to see Gav; I do. I just don’t want to lie to him when he asks me how everything is between Brody and me, because I know he will ask. He has asked me the last few times. I have been able to fake my responses then, but I’m not sure I’m ready to fake it now. I know he will ask; he worries.
Mrs. Ferguson drives us there, but when we pull into Pembroke Psych’s parking lot, my heart sinks as I see Brody’s blue Mustang come into view.
Shit, I don’t think I can do this.
I feel my throat constrict as he opens his car door and steps out into the open. He is wearing a black T-shirt, his work jeans, and boots. He must have come from work. I’m hunched down in the back seat until Liapushes the front seat up for me to get out. She looks at me and mouths,“I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”
Coming under the scrutiny of Brody after what happened between us is making it hard for me to breathe. Looking at him, but knowing that it could only make me feel worse, is like looking at the sun. You know it will burn you but you need to experience it for yourself, revealing some weird sadistic side of yourself. I would think it was a bit of hope, if I hadn’t already used all of mine up.
He is walking toward us with his head down. As soon as he looks up, his stride changes, slows, as his eyes meet mine. Everything from the swing in his arms to the thin line he has made with his lips, which are usually pursed, reflect what he feels about me being here.
He doesn’t want you here.
I remind myself that I am not here for him, but Gavin as he gets closer.
I fiddle with the surprise I have for Gavin, keeping my attention off of Brody. Mrs. Ferguson thought it would make him so happy to have his camera. We cleared it with Dr. Larson beforehand and everything. I can’t wait to see him smile. I can’t keep from looking up at Brody though.
“Hey,” Brody says to all of us, but looks directly at me.
Both Liaand his mom greet him, but mine is slightly delayed and weak as I feel the weight of his gaze on me. Brody looks down at the gift bag I have placed Gavin’s camera in, then looks at Lia’s gift in her hands.“What is this?”
Mrs. Ferguson ushers us along as she speaks,“Just some things for Gavin on Valentine’s Day.”
Brody glances back at me, then back at his mother as they walk ahead of Lia and me. Brody starts talking about Dr. Larson and some of the questions he had about the medical insurance and coverage. Lia’s walking next to me. I ask her,“What did you bring him?”
She smiles brightly and says,“Chocolates.”
“He will like that,” I say to her, making her smile widen.
“Well, Valentine’s Day only comes once a year,” she says softly.
Her words make it hard to avoid looking at Brody again, even if it is the back of his head. I guess I’m testing myself, seeing if the pain returns. Yeah, it is still there, but not as bad; the callus is setting in for the long haul.
When I gave Gavin his camera, his smile lit up the room and made me realize why I decided to be here today.
“How is Brody?”
He always asks this way, but what he really wants to know is how Brody and I are doing. I keep it simple and try and avoid the“Brody and I” part.“I’m watching out for him.”
Gavin buys it, I think. Well, he doesn’t ask anything else about us so I figure he buys it.
The rest of the visit, Brody and I keep our distance, dancing around each other like we are two negatively charged magnets, fated to never come in contact. We were careful to not speak directly to each other during mixed conversation between Lia, Gavin, Dr. Larson, and Mrs. Ferguson. When the other was speaking, the other politely deferred to silence or looking elsewhere. I would say it was almost gracious, but I knew it was the wedge in place, further defining whatever we are becoming.
Most of the talk is Mrs. Ferguson asking about Gavin leaving the center in June, while Brody is focused on asking about the seizures and any new diagnosis they have for Gavin.
After the visit, Brody says he had to go back to work and leaves without a goodbye to any of us. After Mrs. Ferguson drops Lia off, she drives us home. I know she senses something is up, but she doesn’t probe; I like that about her.
I spend the rest of the evening watching reruns of Dawson’s Creek while Mom and Dad get ready to out to dinner.“Are you and Brody going out?” Mom asks.
I haven’t given her a reason to think that anything is going on between Brody and me, so I tell her,“He is working late.”
***
It’s late and I stand at my window behind the closed curtain, watching Brody sit on his back porch, his head hung low as he holds the neck of a bottle of beer in one hand while the other picks at the label. He did this for a few nights. I never went out even though I wanted to. I feared that if I did he would ask me what the hell I was doing and why wouldn’t I just go away and leave him alone. I know it sounds so weak. It is my inability to get beyond the assholes I have experienced in the past, Post-Traumatic Stress of Asshole Guys Syndrome or something.
I am sitting on my bed studying when Nikki comes into my room without even knocking first. She stands in front of me lying on my bed with her hands on her hips accusingly.“What the hell are you doing?”
“Seriously?I could have been naked in here.” I’m a little frustrated with her presence, which is the first sign that things might go badly here.
She scoffs, her hand still on her hip,“Ha, thatwould have been more entertaining than watching you sit here and sulk.”
“I’m not sulking. I’m studying,” I say.
“By choice and that equals sulking,” she adds, climbing onto the bed and sitting cross legged in front of me.
I look back down at my textbook to hide my being irritated by her bouncing in front of me.“I have to study, unlike some people.”
She looks up at the ceiling.“Okay, this guilt trip is boring me now. Come on, you are going to dinner with Ash, Lia, and I. G.G’s is the best!”
&nbs
p; “I can’t,” is my immediate, no-question-about-it response. That has been my response a lot lately.
Her head lulls to the side as she gives me the dullest look she can muster.“Wrong, the answer is,” she sits up tall, smiles widely, showing teeth, and opens her eyes wide as she models the ideal,“Yes, I can go with you all, Nikki! Thanks for asking me. You are such an amazing friend. I have missed you so much since I have been hiding out in my room for the last two weeks. This will be so awesome. And if you were a guy I would totally fall in lust with you because you are the hottest girl on the planet!”
Her toothy smile and tilting head make her look like a peppy bobble head. I can’t contain the grin pulling at my mouth, but I cover it by shaking my head and making another excuse.“Mom is already making dinner.”
She hops off the bed, and offers her hand to help me up.“Already cleared it with her.Oh, and by the way she said thank you for taking you because you never want to eat her food anyway.”
She stares down at me, waiting out the next excuse I’m going to throw her way, but I’m completely dry. I toss my book and pencil aside and take her hand.
***
The name of the restaurant is Gordita Garden.
“I thought it was called G.G’s or something,” I mumble when we pull up to the building with the bright-red neon lights that spell out Gordita Garden with a red neon jalapeño at the end.
“GorditaGarden is too long,” Asher says as he gets out of the car.
Is the place Dad did takeout from when we first moved here?
“Do they do takeout?” I ask.
“What, are you thinking about skipping out?” Nikki asks with the signature hand on hip stance as she holds the door to the restaurant open for us. I pass by her and roll my eyes, my signature move.
“What’s a gordita?” I mumble.
Lia catches my question.“It is kind of like a taco stuffed with meat and veggies. You will like it. Plus they have other stuff.”
Liagrins and nudges my shoulder as the waitress comes up to us.“Welcome to G.G’s. Ready to be seated?”
The waitress seats us at our booth and passes us each a menu.
“Oh, we need one more,” Nikki says.
We do? I look at Nikki questioningly and she looks away quickly. Something is up.
“Who do we need one more for?” I ask.
My question falls on deafened ears as no one says anything.
Oblivious to my concern, the waitress asks us,“Do you know what you would like to drink?”
“Dr. Pepper,” Lia responds.
“Coke,” says Asher.
“Dr. Pepper,” Nikki says.
“Who are we waiting on?” I ask once again just as Brody comes up behind the waitress.“I’llhave a Dr. Pepper and so will she,” he says, nodding to me as he squeezes behind the waitress and sits down next to Nikki.
Did he just give me a nod and order my drink? Better yet, why is he acting so casual, like everything is cool between us? How does one go from dodging me every chance he gets to being cool and collected like him right now?
I shift my stunned stare from Brody to Nikki, shooting daggers her way. She intentionally left me in the dark when she invited me here. Feeling every hammering of the knives I’m shooting in her direction, she visibly sinks deeper behind the menu, avoiding my assault. I want to get up and leave, but Lia is on the other side of me and the last thing I want to do is make a scene. All that will do is giveBrody the impression that he has gotten under my skin, and he has, but I don’t want him to know it.
“Anything else?” the waitress asks as she continues to stare all doe eyed at Brody.
Seriously? Why doesn’t she just lay herself across the table and offer herself up to him.
Brody looks up at her and grins. He knows he has her full attention and plays with that.“Uh, quesosound good?”
He looks back at the table.“That soundgood?”
Everyone else responds, while I remain silent and shocked and beyond-comprehension jealous of the sultry exchange between the waitress and Brody.
“Is it okay with you, Evan?” Brody’s question catches me off guard as he looks up from the menu and directly at me. The waitress looks at me now, with apparent disinterest in my pending response, but fakes her attention nonetheless. We haven’t spoken directly to each other in two weeks and the first thing he asks is if I would like queso?! One thing I have experienced with Brody Ferguson is his ability to put me on the spot when he wants to. He also knows that it gets under my skin and I can only guess that is why he is doing it. He doesn’t want to deal with the way we are, so he is making it invisible, substituting himself with the closed-off Brody I met almost a year ago. Two can play that game. Instead of looking at him, I look at the waitress and answer,“Yes, quesoplease.”
She looks me up and down before jotting something down on paper.
Looking down at Brody, she smiles and says,“I'll be back with your drinks.”
Brody doesn’t pay any attention as he looks over the menu. I get the smallest bit of satisfaction as the waitress walks away without him acknowledging her.
That is petty, Evan.
As Brody makes small talk with Nikki and Asher, I wonder if this is how things are going to be between him and me now. Is he is going to pretend that nothing happened between us and the best way to reinvent us would be for him to go back to being the jerk he was when we first met?
“Are you going to visit Gavnext week?” Lia asks Brody.
“Yeah, on Tuesday,” he says, thenlooks over at me.“If you want to go, I can give you both a ride.”
Liaanswers almost immediately with a resounding,“Yes, that would be great.”
My hesitation has him linger his gaze on me.“It isn’t a big deal. Simple yes or no,” he says flatly.
This is how it is going to be.
In his eyes, it is simple. In mine, not so much.I raise my chin up.“Yeah, that would be good.”
Chapter 9:
G.G’s
G.G.’s became our hangout, as it was decided we would meet up there once a week to just catch up. Liasaid that it was going to get harder to hang out together once school starts back. She was right. With her and Gavin still in high school, Nikki, Ash, and I going to college, and Brody working and being undecided with pretty much everything else, this would be the one place we could come together. The moment it was decided I knew I was torturing myself, putting myself through intentional heartache by seeing Brody at G.G’s with our friends. Was I intent on breaking it? My heart?I’m not sure. I think I was hoping I would call his bluff, play it out and make him realize that he couldn’t hide forever, act like I am a thorn in his side forever.
G.G’s and watching him drink from my bedroom window was the only time I saw him other than the few visits to see Gavin; however, the offers to see Gavhaven’t been coming like they were a couple of weeks ago, so this morning I asked Mom to take me to see him. He asked me about Brody and I answered with the simple, rehearsed“I’m watching out for him” answer.
Gavin knew something was wrong though. He looked at me different when I said it. I asked him why he was looking at me that way, but he just shook his head and changed the subject.
Tonight at G.G’s, Brody’s mood is as cold and unbending as ever, but Liatries to make chit chat conversation by asking,“So, what’s up with everyone?”
The question is left on the table for a few moments with no responses. Nikki and Asher are sitting across from each other picking at the chips and salsa and Brody keeps checking his phone and has barely said two words since sitting down.
“Nada,” Asher responds.
“Oh, come on! Did no one do anything worth mentioning today?” Nikki asks as she dips a chip in the salsa and crunches down on it.
Seeing Gavwas worth mentioning.“I saw Gavtoday,” I announce.
Asher, Lia, and Nikki seem eager to hear about it as their eyes brighten, but Brody’s mixed expression has me on edge.
“Wh
y did you go see him?” he asks bluntly, putting me on guard.
“I didn’t know I couldn’t visit him.”
He sits back in the booth and tilts his head back like my snide remark has exhausted him, like I exhaust him.“I didn’t mean it that way. God!”
“What did you mean then?” I ask, feeling bold suddenly.
He pinches his eyes closed and leans his elbows on the table.“Look, I was just asking, you don’t have to have to be so defensive. Shit.”
Oh, that is perfect. Brody making me look like the bad guy in this stupid argument.
“We just hung out, talked...” I almost stop there but I can’t resist the jab.“That is what friends do, you know. Hang out with no expectations, no defenses, norejections.”
Three.
Brody’s eyes rise quickly to meet mine.“Yeah, I know what friends do and I know they shouldn’t put expectations on them, but they sometimes do, don’t they?”
Two.
Me? I put expectations on him? Oh hell no!
One.
“Not unless they have been rejected for no apparent reason, other than the simple fact that they are not wanted around anymore.”
Detonation.
I rise up and ask Liato move out of the booth.“I’m going home.”
Brody throws down his napkin and rises, stepping out from the booth.“No, you stay, I’ll go.”
Did he really just tell me what to do? And where the hell is he needing to go. He has been looking at his phone all night. Does he have some hot date or something. Just thinking about it makes my stomach burn.
“What’sthe rush, you have another engagement?” I mumble.
“What?” he says as he steps back toward the table.
“Never mind.” I know my vagueness and refusal to answer him will only burn him up, maybe as much as he has burned me up.
“No, if you have something to say, say it, Evan.” His voice has gone from sarcastic and arrogant to full-on furious and tyrannical.
Reviving Evan (A Dismantling Evan Companion Novella) Page 6