The Celestial Sea
Page 28
Adrian is busy today, storing his increasing woodland harvest beside Cordelia and Patrick’s house. The children and I help unload his car. The sun is strong, beating down on us as we pull lengths of Manuka hardwood, {Source of the famous N.Z honey and tea tree oil}, and a quantity of Ash out of the boot. We spend an enjoyable hour at their home, which lies at the bottom of our Mountain road on the edge of town. I leave the wood stackers after a happy hour; driving to the beach to deliver a visiting child back to his family. Adrian and I plan to meet up later in the day.
Early P.m. Adrian: Where are you?
Mouse: Still at Pillans beach. I managed to locate Zion’s father. Where shall we meet? Tui Park with the children? Fun wood-stacking today. Need to hold you——X
Adrian: Trailer and car will be full of bricks. Come pick up the girls from Cordelia’s. Joni, {Cordelia’s son}, and I shall meet you at Tui Park.
The town is built on a number of pretty bays and exciting inlets. Tui Park is our closest Reserve, {Kiwi name for a park}. It is close to school, Big J’s house and the bottom of our road. Native trees surround the curving bay. There is a small beach at one end with a mangrove swamp on the far side. I have mentioned it before. The tide is out today and a large expanse of estuary mud and sand waits for our adventuring feet. Hundreds of tiny crabs disappear down their holes as we pass. They are busy digging temporary homes, chucking out black mud as they work. Sharp shells and slimy gunge ooze between our toes, making the children squeal. Taking off their clothes Joni, Sophie and Rinky leap into the deeper part of the narrow estuary. Photos are taken and jumps perfected while the afternoon sun warms us all——raising the growth up and out of us as tender young plants.
Adrian teaches us to hunt in the estuary shallows for tiny flounder. They are almost impossible to see, until——yes——we have some in our sight. The children are fascinated by the flat creatures. We follow them right down to the sea. We pass the headland on our way. “Follow me everyone, over here——feel with your feet——have you found it yet? Look for the bubbles coming up through the sand and water. Ah——here it is——a Taniwha breathing hole!”
The children are open-mouthed——a ‘Taniwha’! {Maori sea-monster}. The bubbles are there for all to see. Imaginations run riot. Intrepid toes are placed into the sand, and disappear; there is no bottom. Oh my, Oh my! Not one of us is brave enough to find the source of this volcanic upsurge of warm water; common in the area but rare to find so easily. Eventually it is time to wind our weary way home, sorry again that the day has ended. “Just text me when you can,” Adrian says. “Goodnight everyone. Goodnight Taniwha. Goodnight Little Arthur.”
Late P.m. Mouse: She brushes his cheek with gentle kisses, wishing she were tucked up in his cosy bed; so warm and complete. Happy thoughts of our park outing today. What glorious magic you bring to everything, My Darling. Let’s sleep really well——together——X
Sunday 8th October 2006
There is no message from My Swallow Man this morning. I hope he is all right. I expect he is keeping his head low; concern over The Laird worrying him perhaps?
Mouse: Good morning, My Friend. Are you all right? Missed your text this morning. We are just heading to church. More things to discuss when we can next get together, although I need to stay at home today. What are you up to this fine Sunday? You are safe to text at any time——if you would like to. Loving you softly and gently——M——X
The Laird gave me another reasonable lecture before church: “You still haven’t given me any idea of your boundaries. I am upset and will continue to be upset until you tell me where they lie. If you are really thinking of an open marriage you need to let me know.” The church service is full of adultery and divorce reference. The Laird looks at me sideways from under raised eyebrows. His wife feels nothing other than right-placed joy. Maybe I have an inbuilt defect that I cannot correct or do not wish to correct.
I telephone Adrian at eight p.m to make sure he is all right. I have heard nothing all day and am starting to worry. He is ‘head down’ and getting himself sorted for the coming school week. “I’ve been having a psychic clear day”, he explains. I tell him that I have been anxious, that’s all. “I just need to know you are okay.”
In hindsight, I wonder if Adrian was picking up on The Laird’s concerns.
Monday 9th October 2006
A.m. Adrian: Good morning, Dear Mouse. I hope you slept well? I am rushing on the shoreline but longing for the Ocean depths. I would love to talk to you today. I am at Andy’s after Main Lesson. Could you fit in a visit, before or after 1p.m?
Mouse: Dear Adrian. Good morning to you. Hope you slept well too? I am also beside the water——the bath——longing for deeper water. T’would be good to talk——11.30/11.40 Leafy Glade?
Adrian: Can you do 11.40? I’m heading to School now to repair desks. Looking forward to seeing you. Is there a spare cleat in the toolbox? For my classroom curtain——one broke last week.
Mouse: 11.40. See you then. Happy desk repair. Will bring a cleat.
Adrian greets me with a bowl of homemade vegetable soup; delicious. Lunch on Big J’s deck is sociable and relaxed. Her daughter, Frances, joins us for a while before leaving for her nursing shift. Like many homes in the area the deck enjoys an elevated position and we can see the school site from our seats. We have a good view of the orchards too; both Kiwi and avocado groves with their evergreen windbreaks creating neat boxes. Unfortunately, the fruit farmer opposite the school uses the dreaded Hicane spray in late August. He generally warns the neighbours before spraying and I keep the children at home. Last year we all came down with mystery headaches and nausea. This year we were better informed. Finishing the washing-up Adrian leads me to his room for our daily balm.
We have much to discuss, especially The Laird’s serious demand for the boundaries in our relationship. “I need to know how you feel about us, My Love. Truthfully. What would you like to happen? What do I mean to you?” I boldly ask my Lover the question neither of us can answer. “If we climb another rung of the ladder it must be a joint decision; a certainty that this is what we want. Can you tell me?” Frustration and uncertainty ripple through him. “Men aren’t very good at talking about their feelings——argg——oh, I don’t know. Would I ever, ever find a depth like this again? But not at the cost of a marriage or the happiness of the children——argg”——
I sit at Adrian’s feet while he lies back on the sofa, worry and confusion overwhelming him. He is a wonderful listener, always keen to reach the very depth of others, but when it comes to some personal aspects his honest emotion appears tangled; he can hardly love himself and allow the gift——allow an illicit gift like ours. He does not consider himself worthy, and the questionable integrity of our connection in Earthly terms knocks his fragile self-esteem further. I take his hands in mine. “Look at me, My Friend. I want you to find your strength through our union; to treat it as a foundation; as a stronghold, not as another complicated element in your busy life. I don’t mean you should come to rely on me, but please think of our love as a strong support; something ever present, even if we can’t be together. You cannot love another until you love yourself. I want you to learn to love yourself.”
We hold each other softly. Our touch is light and sensual and the air around us golden with possibility. Adrian promises he won’t have a silent day again, or if he does, that he will let me know. “All I need is one quick word, just to know all is well,” I say. “I’m sorry about yesterday,” he apologizes. “I knew you might worry. I’m sorry”.
P.m. Adrian: Thinking of you. Driving myself, but about to settle and rest——and think——and plan. Thank-you for your tenderness and——text you later.
Mouse: Dearest Friend, am thinking of you too——aching for you. I’m walking the dog down the drive, the sound of the ducks on the pond. Beautiful evening birdsong in the native trees along our drive and the feel of your hand in mine as we stroll in blissful silence. Thank-you for texting. I f
eel so calm and close when you are in touch. Laird is out at a School meeting. I can speak after supper; maybe a phone call? Meal for the tinks now——fish pie. Wish you were here. Loving you in deep, deep mellow——M——X
Adrian: Just phone when you are able. I’m home, and quiet—ish.
Mouse: Laird is home early——he didn’t get to his meeting in the end. There have been more references to my impending revelations. I told him I would speak before long. There were one or two interesting remarks——all very friendly though. Anyway, My Love, he is monopolizing the phone and my desk at the moment. I will ring if the T.V in the top cabin beckons him away, but in case not, a special kiss is winging its way down our Mountain to you. Love you--M—X
Tuesday 10th October 2006
A.m. Adrian: Good morning, Sweet Lady. A new day dawns like a phoenix from the ashes of yesterday. New start. Love to see you. Could meet you for lunch somewhere.
Mouse: A newly laid fire flickers in the dawn and she is thinking of him. Flames rise, phoenix inspired, sending glorious heat into the room. She holds him in the warmth——holds him in her heart——feeling him holding her with such gentleness. Good morning, Fine Sir. Lunch would be wondrous. Mountain? Leafy Glade? Tui Park? Time? ——X
Adrian: 11.45 at the park with the dogs?
Mouse: Lovely, except the Castle Hound is with The Laird today. I will bring some fodder. Text if wet——M——X
* * * * * * *
Midday, Adrian: Where are you, My Love?
Mouse: Am at the Park now. We can drive right in today. Restless, rippling water. Don’t worry if a meeting is too tricky. I’m perfectly happy——
Adrian takes my hand and we run along the shore with its scudding waves and cheeky wind, cartwheels and handstands irresistible in this exciting weather. We laugh and dance together in the playful atmosphere. “I’ve been inside you,” he smiles, standing still for a moment; a look of wonder on his beautiful face. “I really have, My Love; come here”———
I adore Adrian’s smile. It is pure radiance. Even our picnic is synchronized today. I have brought tea, crackers and hummus; he has brought soup and salad. The meal is totally unplanned but perfect. We remark on the compatibility, yet again, and enjoy our food in the shelter of my spacious van; our Leafy Glade on wheels.
After lunch we lie in the back of the van, considering the impending complications. Questions of self-doubt and integrity are high on the agenda——as ever. Anxieties over being caught, or spotted, are ever-present for Adrian. Not for me though. Strange. Is it because I am so far from home; new to the town and lacking in connections that I feel this way? But for Adrian, well, this is his home, his community, his reputation and his career. Yesterday held too much intensity on top of a heavy working day and other pressing issues. My tricky questions just added to his pressure.
The Laird isn’t in love with me anymore. I realize that now. I sometimes wonder if we were ever truly in love; our relationship has become a secure habit rather than an inspiration. Of course a loving care is present, but a delight in each other is either stale or has run its natural course. Adrian and I talk about our own extraordinary harmony and the totality of such a gift; how neither of us would choose to walk away from this treasure. “You know; October 10th is a special day for me,” I state; suddenly remembering. “It’s the 10th today isn’t it? One day I’ll tell you why.”
“I’d really like to travel with you; show you the New Zealand I love.” Adrian gets excited. He hopes to show me his beautiful homeland in the not too distant future; all the places he knew as a child and the special locations he has discovered since. “I want to kiss you,” he exclaims suddenly, but he is too nervous to reach for me. “I have something to show you,” I announce. “Something I need you to consider before I give it to The Laird. It is my answer to his questions. Could you face reading it now?”
We seem to have a joint ability to jump from one subject to another. “Please read it to me,” he replies. “I like to hear your speaking voice.”
BOUNDARIES
So, you need to know where the boundaries lie in this new friendship of mine? ————
Of course you do, My Darling—————
I have written them down for you.
What would you say if I told you this connection lies beyond boundaries?
A friendship forged aeons ago, but new in this time.
Would you raise your eyebrows and shrug in dismissal?
Or could you say, “okay, I think I can go with that?”
What would you think if I told you this relationship is not driven by physicality, or lust, although we are very close with one another?
Would you believe me?
Could you accept the possibility?
What would you feel if I told you that a deep longing, an increasing ache, is being eased by this friendship? ——A gift I never dared believe I would receive in this dimension.
Would you misunderstand me?
Or could you see me clearly?
What would you do if I told you that in adding this ingredient to my life I am complete? ——A completeness that makes all other parts of my world so beautiful.
Would you assume you were cheated?
Or could you know that you are so cherished?
What would you see if I told you I love you more wholly and see you more clearly now that my ache is easing?
Like an engine with the correct oil, I feel so much better, and my vision is brilliantly clear.
I can appreciate your vocation, your love and your kindness, all so much better.
I can support you on every level, happily, and rejoice in your triumphs.
Would you see inadequacy?
Or could you see riches and freedom?
What would you think if I told you I am experiencing a divine entity; an escort of Angelic Host with no judgement of right or wrong; that I feel we are all held secure in a wondrous and beautiful stronghold where some task lies ahead of us?
Would you feel afraid?
Or could you feel excited?
What would you hear if I told you that your love and generosity bring tears to my eyes?
That you are my long-standing companion on this Earth and nothing can take our special union from us. And that I find it so hard, asking for this extraordinary gift.
Would you feel sadness?
Or could you feel divine joy?
Secure in the strength and freedom of our commitment to each other, I hope that perhaps you could———
Could give your blessing and share a part of me with another,
Otherwise, I dare not ask. X
We sit in silence for a while after I have read the piece.
“I love you. You are wise and beautiful and I want to be a part of your life,” Adrian says, softly.
“And I so want to make you a Father,” I reply. “I feel there might be a child waiting to come to us. I don’t know how—— it’s almost impossible——but I sense a real presence.” A smile of disbelief spreads across Adrian’s face. Turning to me, he says: “do you know; a funny thing happened this morning at the teachers’ meeting. We were discussing the staff nativity play and someone asked; “Who is going to play Mary?” Guess whose name came up? Yours! I didn’t suggest it, Martini did, and who is playing Joseph? ——That’s right, me!”
“Goodness!” I exclaim. “Do you think we could perform without giving the game away? In front of the whole school community?” ——
“How strange and Angel-blessed is that?” Adrian adds, jumping up suddenly. “There, I’ve had enough now; sealed with a kiss. I’m off; back to the tasks of the day”. Kissing me lightly he departs, leaving me beside the wind-blown shore with the feel of his gentle lips upon mine.
Wednesday 11th October 2006
We don’t text each other this morning. Adrian has a Main Lesson drawing to complete. The classroom chalkboard has panels that open like the leaves of a giant triptych; he needs to cover all three of them. I wish y
ou could see his artwork; it is wonderful.
I return to Stephanie’s house to continue painting the swimming-pool pump room.
* * * * * * *
Midday, Mouse: XxxXxxxXx The big X’s are the Deep Mellow ones. Hope we might feel safe enough to go there again soon. No need to reply——
Adrian: Hello, Mrs. Painter. Up the ladder are we? Hope you’re well. I am better today. Taking it slower. Thanks for sweet catch-up yesterday——nice. I’m home alone——
Mouse: Hi there, Mr Artist, Wondrous Teacher. How was the morning’s masterpiece? I am indeed up the ladder for Stephanie——more like on my knees, painting behind pipes. Only part of your text came through. Would you like a visit from your Lady? If so, I can be with you 1.45/2.00p.m——just let me know——M——X
Adrian: Oh, yes please. 2ish——Yum.
It is two thirty and I am sanding pieces of wood for my man outside The Leafy Glade; the central bars for the ‘Forest Racers’. Our gentle chats continue and Frances joins us for lunch again. Adrian is more relaxed today. “I could so easily make love to you right now, My Darling”, he whispers. “I have been longing for you. Last night I told Pat; my step-mum about us. She is very understanding. Pat has been in a similar position herself, of course. She left a husband to marry my Father. Children were an issue too; on both sides. It was really good to chat to her. For all our past differences as I was growing up, she is wonderful to confide in now, as an adult. I feel so much better having read the ‘Boundaries’ piece. When will you give it to The Laird?” Then suddenly he jumps up, saying: “well that’s enough for now. Better get on.”
Is everything getting too much for him? Perhaps. Our situation comes pretty high on the stress scale. I leave him in peace and head towards School for pick-up time. Adrian has given me a collection of his student watercolour studies, which I pack carefully in the back of the van. “I don’t need them anymore,” he offered; “can you use them for anything?” The paintings represent an important element of the School’s educational philosophy. I leaf through the beautiful papers as I wait for the children to finish Class; piece after piece of delicate, blended colour. I will certainly use them. They’ll make perfect backdrops for the poetry spilling out of me at the moment.