An important statement——I suspect more important than we realize. The closer we become, the more difficult our separation. I need to see my man now.
Later on, Mouse: Hi Darling——how was the baby-sitting? Would love to talk on the phone but The Laird has Bernard downstairs discussing a whisky tour. So, I have escaped to be with you. Are you deep into reports or do you have time for a text chat? X
Adrian: Just woken from Lottie’s bed. Classic nodding off while reading story——much to her amusement. Big J. only minutes away——now arrived. I’ll just slip down and open the garage for her.
Ensconced again in my smelly room. No word from Lois today about moving the caravan onto her land. Wonder what that means? Light rainfall——nice——just remembering today and some follow up things. Better attend quickly——
Mouse: Hi there, My Friend. Hope this isn’t too late? I dropped off by mistake. Anyway, sleep really well. We shall meet again in the ether——later——hopefully on our Boat amongst the sails and rigging rather than on strange islands with sexual oddity! Love you——beautiful dreams——M——X
Adrian: Lots to wade through in my tired state. Sore guts and a bit life-shocked still from school. Upset stomach and worrying loo session——floaters——took three flushes! Oh boy——what is that? Like to see the osteopath again. Looking forward to some quiet time and to hearing from Lois. What’s next? Am I down in the valley or somewhere a bit higher? Top of White rd. or up by Kopiro Falls? All those are draws. How was your day? Feeling? Mine——little worried about gut; bit loaded. X
Mouse: My Love——I send you calm. I send you balm. Your sore gut; probably a reflection of everything being up in the air——questions about a roof over your head, us etc. Deep breaths needed——trust——Supergreens, osteopath——Love. I am holding My Man in these rough waters——X
Various animals wake us in the night needing to be let out and soothed. “No——not intruders, Bog-Brush, only the window banging.” I hold Adrian in my mind while he slumbers, my hand over his Greenstone and his sore gut——loving him gently——holding the Castle Inmates and livestock as well.
Tuesday 28th November 2006
A.m. Mouse: A sleepy Mouse reluctantly leaves her bed and the comfort of their imagined snuggling——the Mouse and her Adrian. She wonders how he is? Wonders if it is unkind; cruel even, to put him through these rough waters. She doesn’t know if a safe harbour will appear on the wild coastline. He is seasick and tired; the pitching of their Boat too much to bear. She worries about him. She loves him so much——wanting the very best for him——
Adrian: But he is an experienced sailor——not one to be put off by a little blow. He recognizes foul ground when he sees it, and foul ground this is not. Choppy and busy——taxing but not lethal. He knows concerns of this sort result in a stronger, more sea-worthy Boat as the sailor hunts out the leaks and damaged areas and repairs them. His family name is a seafaring one after all——coming from ‘Caulk;’ the job of caulking the seams of boats. {My theory anyway}. So, he knows that the clear weather is not far off. This turbulent patch will pass and a new course set. His Lady beside him——nose blocked politely——he is steady and calm——doubts not assailing his trust——responding to the needs before them; allowing this passage. He kisses her fully, reassuring her——X
Mouse: Valiant and beautiful as ever——she sees him greet the new day with his glorious smile. Her heart melts into him; this man she loves so completely. She is feeling new——sleepy but fresh. The waves are less rough today. Her Laird has written her a heartfelt letter——waiting on her desk this morning——a letter begging her to change course; kindly, softly. She doesn’t know how she feels about it——her feet are anchored firmly to the deck. She will think today on a reply——needed by the end of the week. She is in exam supervision again this morning. She sends a special kiss to her Lover-X
P.s Sorry I can’t be in class, but I shall come in at twelve-forty for various festival practices.
I am surprised by my reaction to The Laird’s heart-felt plea. Am I so far gone in love with Adrian that I feel unmoved; distant even from the man to whom I am married? I spend the day considering his letter. I realize that despite his generosity, his growing irritation with me symbolizes a breach of promise; his wedding vow of honour and respect, although on a day-to-day basis we continue to be close. Perhaps over the past few years I have distanced myself from any deeper connection; he has never provided me with an invitation to true intimacy. I honestly don’t think he knows what I mean by a ‘sacred bond.’
My husband doesn’t really ‘like’ me or women in general. Of course he is caring, but it is difficult to be married to someone who doesn’t like the female impulse. He would hotly dispute this opinion——I don’t think he is even aware of his attitude. We suffer from that classic English malady of repressed emotion, and I am hurt everyday by his sharp tongue and lack of patience. Perhaps it would be better if I sometimes blew my top; let him know how damaging I find his irritation and belligerent manner. But I never go there——after all, he is usually considerate and warm-hearted. He doesn’t deserve a fractious wife. We both need emotional release but are unable to help each other in this fundamental necessity. Is this why I condone my relationship with Adrian?
I struggled with health issues for three years after Cedric’s birth and had little to offer a husband. He tells me he found alternative solace and recreational sharing in the institution of school, much as he had done as a boy when he turned his back on a difficult mother. We never gave ourselves time to realign our relationship once I regained my health. And then the selfless role of parenthood and earning a living kept us from addressing deeper issues. My husband’s ego-boosting behaviour increases each year; he certainly goes downhill without others constantly around him. I don’t think he trusts feminine nurture and cannot expose any vulnerability. Perhaps he needs a much stronger, earthed woman in his life, although I have noticed that he falls out with opinionated women who challenge him. I wonder if I have been a replacement mother figure all these years; a solid base from which to work and play? Perhaps his constant aggravation is an unconscious plea to leave home; to stand alone and find healthier relationships for his emotional needs.
I have to admit to feeling emotionally unsafe with The Laird, and as a result we cannot access a spiritual language. He hides behind strong, unemotional argument; his barriers are impossible to bypass and I don’t have the tools to combat him. On many levels we have had a blessed, eighteen-year marriage. Are we being called to begin a new chapter? Changes are needed. I wonder if we have the courage to accept them.
Logging the texts that Adrian and I send each other is becoming a time consuming job, but I enjoy the daily review of our Lovers’ intrigue. My index finger is swollen from all the writing and the notebooks are growing in number. The silence of the exam room is perfect. My eyes wander out through the modern expanse of glass to the green hills and fruit orchards surrounding The College. This whole site was an established kiwifruit orchard three years ago. The ‘Chinese Gooseberry’ was the fruit’s original name. For export and industry purposes this was changed to ‘Kiwifruit’ in the 1950’s.
This morning’s exam is ‘Science, Level One’. The serious faces and anxious frowns transport me back to my own school days in Dorset. I remember the crisp, blank pieces of paper that waited for exam success or failure. I recall the concentrated speedwriting, the focused attention and the striving for clarity of script. I always had a stack of ‘bic’ biros at the top of my desk. The current exam exercises and blank answer pages are integral; bound as a complete booklet, something I haven’t seen before. The glossy publications accompanying the questions amaze me——we certainly didn’t have anything as smart in the early 80’s. The students are told to leave mobile phones outside. All pens etc. must be kept in clear, plastic bags.
I do my duty and wander up and down the rows every quarter of an hour, so pleased that the subject matter upon
which I work so diligently is of a very different nature. I meet The Laird at break time and we stroll together over the large areas of grass surrounding College. He is grumpy again. I haven’t responded to his letter and I seem unable to sort myself out, or so it appears. How can I possibly say that I want to be with Adrian; that my emotional and spiritual needs are being met and that for the first time in my life I have fallen in love with a completeness I had only ever guessed at?
P.m. Mouse: Darling Friend, I will be around for a short while after Festival meeting. Might you be free for a walk or something after guitar lessons? Let me know if so——really need to see you; to hold your hand and breathe together——M——X
* * * * * * *
Later, Mouse: I’m at Tui Park——parked at top end for a change. I shall be here until about 5.30ish. Love to see you if you are free——M——X
Adrian: be there in 10——
He is later than usual——someone he had to talk to perhaps? I wait.
Adrian: Are you still there? Big news.
Mouse: Okay, My Love——I have to leave in 10 mins. Time for a quick kiss. X
Adrian: Where are you? I’m at Tui Park, but so is Pat, {a parent from school}. Meet somewhere else?
Mouse: I’m at the top end of the park——should be okay.
And so we are hit——at last. I suppose we both knew it had to happen; a full frontal assault, knocking The Boat right over and tipping us into the cruel waters. Adrian walks towards me with hands in pockets and hunched shoulders. I know immediately that something is wrong. He is pale and drawn, as if he has been dragged over the coals. He comes to stand by my vehicle, glancing over his shoulder to make sure we are not overlooked. He does not greet me lovingly. He won’t get in the van. “The School Management Team called me into Big J’s office just now to ask about our relationship. Ouch! This is serious. I could loose my job. We could loose everything.”
Oh, my goodness. We are both in shock. A cold hand descends out of the sullen sky and ruthlessly grabs our hearts. A Tui bird calls above our heads but we pay it no attention. The evening approaches and we are sliced open.
“Big J, Martha, Kitty and Martini were all present. Apparently Rinky told her teacher; ‘Adrian is Mummy’s new boyfriend.’ Ouch again, and our closeness was noticed at the play practice. And of course, my disclosure to Big J. has put it right on the table for all to view. They questioned me deeply about how it is with us. I managed to stay proud; to stand up for the beauty of our friendship. I explained everything I could with dignity and truth. I talked about our extraordinary closeness and learning——how our love was not based on sexuality. But——questions of professionalism were raised; questions of maintaining my position within the school. I might have to choose. And how were the children affected?”
I listen to my beautiful Friend and feel for him. He is taking the brunt of this. For the sake of our precious Boat he is bowing to the hammering and I can do nothing to help——save walk away and tell him I do not love him. What ripples we are making with this Love of ours. My, my. He leaves quickly and quietly and I climb back into the van alone. The tears sting my eyes as I swim through freezing, tempestuous waves, heading for the shore.
P.m. Adrian: So, Little Mouse——Big J. asked me how I was doing after that grilling. She gave me a hug and said she was sorry that I’d gone this way in my search for someone. I replied——“but I have learnt so much——we have learnt so much——how much of a blessing.” And now, completely out of the blue, this lady from the ‘More to life course’, {who I don’t really know at all}, phones and asks if I have a partner at the moment! What? She says she has a friend in Melbourne, training to be a teacher in the same philosophy who she thinks would make a great partner for me——and vice versa! Guess what her name is? Julie! Oh man, what are The Angels doing? The lady from the course has got a letter from her to me! It’s outrageous. Is this Angelic distraction therapy? I haven’t given up yet, My Sweet. What is to unfold? Darling, I think I have represented you well. I hope you are not grieving or doubting——that’s not what this is about——just learning. What next?
Mouse: The plot thickens, My Beautiful Lord Swallow. So, maybe you will disembark before me. If the paths of destiny are pointing that way——well——who knows? You had better spread your gorgeous wings and go check it out. Perhaps a harbour for you, but not for me. I shall keep The Boat at sea. You can always come home once you have done a reci. Who knows, perhaps we won’t sail again for many years. I am crying inside——but that’s okay too——
Adrian: Can you text me, Darling, and let me know how you are?
Mouse: My Love, I am feeling tearful and sad. So many impossibilities and sudden undressing in front of kind, loving people. But this is so private——unique to us. How can we possibly explain what we are about? Though if anyone can put a halo around our truth, you in your priest-wisdom, can. Thank-you for that. I need to lie in your arms, even if only platonically. And you? Are you hurting, or are you feeling excited at a possible new horizon? I still have a lot of preparation for The Workshop tomorrow. Wish I wasn’t so tired——X
* * * * * * *
Later, Mouse: They are playing games with us; The Angels, aren’t they? Or perhaps we are meant to resist. We have been undaunted so far, standing strong in the face of a multitude of impossibilities. They have chucked us a thunderbolt—pushing us that bit further to knock one of us clean out of The Boat. All in a good cause, needless to say——
Adrian: So, what is the question you are facing from The Laird? I get that this is part of my Priest Training. My Darling——My Lady——My Lover——My Friend——cut short we have been——or so it looks. All will be revealed. Standing strong we are however——undaunted——could even face the stocks without shame. You Beautiful Friend——you have given me so much——true love——a rich draught of it——a deep taste of it. Is that it? Hmm? I’m just stepping into Pac ‘N’ Save, {Supermarket}, to do the shopping.
* * * * * * *
Later, Adrian: Just finished the shopping. I liked your suggestion about the thunderbolt and the undressing——goodness, it’s breezy! Ad for a flat mate on the notice board——Waikite Bay——might as well keep things moving. Sent them a text anyway. Love you heaps. X
Mouse: Goodnight, My Friend. Just watched some of a D.V.D that Cordelia gave me yesterday. “Make sure you and The Laird watch this, and then Adrian,” she told me. It’s all about attracting what we want in life——lots of truth; a touch American but interesting. And guess what, our Workshop is cancelled tomorrow by the families——“could we have it in a couple of week’s time please?” Perfect. A window of time for us to catch our breath in this fast-paced week. Can we be together tomorrow p.m? Am I to step down from the play? Can I be in the classroom in the morning? Would the teachers prefer me not to be there? Need answers before tomorrow morning really. A strong part of me feels: “We can hold our heads up high in front of all. We have nothing to hide or be afraid of.” But perhaps this is foolish. We need to speak really. The Laird is off very early in the morning——perhaps we can phone then? I’ll text first. Goodness me, My Love——our dynamic weaves a thrilling drama. Hope you are okay? Loving you——
Adrian: I just bought a new toothbrush and I like it. How about this——what if The Laird gives his blessing——unlikely, sure——but what if? Because it is true that you could well need help while he is away. Ah——stop. I’m guessing where I should simply be quiet. Let’s meet at the Everglades tomorrow after class; or I could take you to Sherwood Forest with a blanket. Need to have time in your arms too.
P.s——Yes, early call would be great. Then meet at the Everglades. I can hold my head up. I’m fully with you——not defiantly, but with quiet pride and self-respect. Sleep well my Love——well dressed for the Angels.
Wednesday 29th November 2006
Mouse: Can I call you now, My Darling? ——X
Adrian: ——Mmm——still sleepy——
I te
lephone Adrian and we chat, catching up on everything that happened yesterday. What a rollercoaster of a day. I ask if he would be interested in sharing Sarah’s house with her. I am back there this week to finish painting the now completed kitchen. She mentioned that she was looking for a flat-mate——she is hardly ever home herself. “No——no way could I share with Sarah, sorry.” His abrupt answer takes me by surprise. When he has had enough of something, or doesn’t want to know, he cuts it dead; simply and finally. We say goodbye, both wondering what today will bring. A beautiful, blue sky fills the panoramic views from every window in our wooden cabin. Perhaps all will be well.
Mouse: XxXxXXXXXXXx—Let’s stand tall and dignified today. The truth we hold will shine out. See you in class my fellow Mariner. Loving you.
Adrian: Thanks for your vision of hope, My Love. An older lady in Waikite Bay with a flat to rent——maybe I could have an affair with her! ——Joke——not funny. Go well, My Sweetheart——X
I feel very strange walking across the courtyard this morning, knowing there are eyes that have unearthed our secret. The school morning is a success, however. At ten o’clock Sienna leads us through the school gardens to the bamboo forest. Narrow paths follow the edge of a gully where blackberry bushes and gorse keep us in a single file. {Kiwis don’t use the term ‘brambles.’} Young Andre is excited. A wealth of spiders and other insects provoke his inquisitive mind and he even manages to catch a cicada. Apparently they live as grubs in the earth for up to 17 years and then have one week of life in the trees. They make a tremendous noise and are fun to track if you have the time. A Wetland Conversation Group has been clearing some of the grounds. We pass their handiwork; an impressive amount of tangled weed has been removed and interesting plants introduced around the pond. Because of the sub-tropical climate any weed takes over with alarming speed.
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