“You ran out of the pub?” she asked incredulously.
“Wait, you didn’t know?”
“No, I didn’t know! He only told me you’d withdrawn, not that you freakin’ bailed on the whole kit and caboodle!”
“Oh. Well, yeah. I left. After we ordered our appetizers.”
“You’ve got to be kidding me!” Jo looked so disappointed in me that I wilted a little. Was she right? Had I been totally over the line in jumping ship?
“What? I slid him a couple of dollars for the food.”
“You sli—” She threw her hands up in the air. “Do you want this guy or not? Because I’m totally down for whatever you pick, but you’ve got to pick one.”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, you better make up your mind quick. Although, to be honest, unless you find a way to fix this,” she gestured to all of me, “Drayer might have already made that decision for you.”
Although I knew she was trying to help, I couldn’t keep from feeling defensive. She didn’t know what it was like to go through what I went through. She still had her whole heart, her whole family. She didn’t know what it was like to have the legs cut out from under her and have her entire life change forever.
“Well then, let him! Who said I wanted to fix this? Maybe I should just be left alone.”
“Ella, you really need to start letting people in. I know you were hurt, but you can’t keep fighting everyone who tries to make a connection with you. I’m the only friend you have left, and what are you going to do if I move or if something happens to me? You, of all people, know how suddenly someone can leave your life.”
I opened my mouth at that, wanting to tell her where exactly to shove her friendship. But then I closed it. Then I opened it again, only to say nothing, and then turn around and walk away.
It wasn’t like I could go far, considering I was at work and all, but Jo had the good sense to leave me alone. I had a feeling she might be right, but I was still too raw, too defensive, to listen.
I stormed over to the dressing room and grabbed the rejects for some good old-fashioned rehoming. I went through my day with a storm cloud over my head, and I stayed that way all the way up until I heard a childish giggle.
I couldn’t help it. My eyes were immediately drawn to the North Pole display. Sure enough, Drayer was there with a set of young twins in his lap, delighting them with some joke or another.
It really was lovely watching him interact. Even from where I was, I could tell he was so kind with each and every one of them. I didn’t think I’d ever seen so many kids smile in such a short period. I guessed he just had a kind soul that they could sense.
Jo was right. I needed to let him in.
Even if we didn’t work out romantically, I could use a friend who wanted the best for me. If anyone could be that person besides Jo, it was Drayer.
I took a deep breath and made my decision. First, I needed to apologize to Jo. Then, I needed to make sure I hadn’t chased Drayer away forever.
Boy, it sure was going to be a busy Friday.
Finding Jo was easy, and I hardly needed to apologize. I approached her with a guilty expression, and she just sighed and then pulled me into a quick hug. There were no words, no long, drawn-out speeches, but she knew.
I would always be grateful for being lucky enough to know someone like Jo.
But then came the hard part. The Christmas season was in full swing, so Drayer and my breaks didn’t line up anymore. I asked Jimmy to stall mine several times, but eventually, he ordered me to the break room, and I saw the North Pole still had an incredibly long line while on my way.
Fine. A note would have to do. Slid into his locker where I knew he kept his clothes. It felt very high school, but I didn’t know what choice I had.
Thankfully, there weren’t many of us in the break room, so I didn’t feel self-conscious as I penned my little note on a torn off piece of paper towel. I ended up going through four of them. That’s how many times I started writing only to scribble out what I had and start again.
In the end, I decided on short and simple. There were some things you told someone face to face, and pretty much everything I had to say was in that category.
Drayer,
I’m sorry about our date. If you can, come to my apartment tomorrow after work, and I’ll explain everything. You deserve to know.
-Ella
And that was that.
Sliding it into his locker, I hightailed it out of the break room before anyone could ask me what I was doing. The last thing I wanted was for even more people to get in on whatever was going on between us. It already felt like too many people were in on it.
Heading back out, of course my head snapped right back to the North Pole display. I really was predictable, wasn’t I? And of course, Drayer and I made eye contact. Because life obviously hated me.
I stared at him with wide eyes, completely unsure of how to arrange my face. For a moment, I was sure he would look away and go about his life, pretending I didn’t exist because that was what I deserved. But he didn’t do that. Instead, he just winked, and electricity shot through my entire body.
Oh, dear.
Even if my mind wasn’t sure what my decision was, my body had obviously made up its mind.
Chapter 17
Drayer
I paced in the hallways. Back and forth. Back and forth. Back and forth. But for all of my frenetic movement, it still didn’t do anything to soothe my nerves.
I had been completely shocked when I had found a note in my locker at the end of my shift. At first, I thought maybe Nick’s phone had died, and he was asking me to grab him a beer and stop by—not the first time he had done something like that in our friendship. But it turned out to be pretty much the complete opposite.
It was Ella, asking me over to her place and promising she would explain everything. That was certainly a lot easier than I thought it would be. I’d had this whole plot in my head of how I would get her to agree to talk to me and then convince her I could be trusted with whatever was bothering her. It hadn’t been thoroughly thought out, but it involved a lot of urgent pleas and maybe even a ballad or two.
Her way was much easier.
But now that I was outside her door, I was second-guessing myself. What if this was her way of turning me down? Sure, it was a weird way to do it, but Ella was a weird girl, so I wouldn’t put it past her.
By the seventh pass, I realized I could only put this off for so long, so I knocked on her door and held my breath.
She answered relatively quickly but looked me up and down.
“I didn’t know you were allowed to wear the Santa suit home,” she said after a few seconds of awkward staring.
“I’m not,” I admitted. It had been a last-minute decision, but I thought it might help break the ice between us. Plus, I’d caught her staring at me at least a dozen times in the suit. Either she totally had a ho-ho-ho fetish, or she just really liked the color red. “But you know, sometimes the risk is worth the reward.”
“I guess,” she murmured, stepping to the side. “What girl doesn’t dream of her own sexy Santa?” She stepped aside so I could enter, and I did so. Nervously.
She didn’t say a word to assuage me, but she did gently grip my hand and lead me over to her couch. She sat me down before lowering herself, but she didn’t speak.
I waited.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, after what seemed like an eon, she cleared her throat. “So, look. Christmas is hard for me.”
“Yeah, I gathered that.” She held up her hand for me not to speak, and I quieted down. I didn’t take offense to it. I could tell she was struggling to say what she needed to say, and she couldn’t have me sidetracking her thoughts. Whatever it was, it had to be important.
“A few years ago, when I was starting college, my mom was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.” Her breath hitched, and my stomach dropped straight out of my body
to somewhere down in China. I didn’t need a crystal ball to know exactly where this story was going, and I was already horrified. “She tried to fight it. She really did. She went through everything to make sure she could see me graduate. She fought for three months. But that year, on Christmas break, she passed away.”
Her voice cracked, and I could feel my throat grow scratchy like it did when I was trying not to cry. “I got to be with her in the end, and I suppose that’s all I can ask for. I don’t have any siblings, and my dad’s never been a part of the picture, so I was all alone.
“It was a really hard time for me. I was used to everything being her and me against the world. But instead, it was just me. But I struggled, and I thought I got over most of it. You know, the grieving and the crying.
“But then, my first Christmas without her came, and I was devastated. Since then, I’ve realized I was never going to be able to look at the holiday that way again.
“So, when you mention Christmas and what I’m doing, I’m reminded of how great it once was and how it will never be that way again. I don’t mean to, and I do want to heal and grow, but I can’t. I’m stuck.”
Wow.
Poor Ella.
Poor, poor Ella.
I didn’t pity her. She was far too strong for that, but I didn’t believe she deserved any of that. She had endured so much pain, so much uncertainty on her own. I just wanted to take care of all of it, so she could lean back and rest for once.
“Ella,” I murmured quietly, gently taking her hands in mine. “Thank you so much for trusting me with that. I appreciate that was your story, and you didn’t have to tell me anything.” I took a deep breath. “But I absolutely promise you, if you were to let me in, to trust me as someone who could be a good friend or more for you, I will always be there for you. I will make all your Christmases and anything else you can think of so much better. You don’t have to be alone. You can lean on me, and I’ll be more than happy to support you.”
She heaved a sigh of what I wanted to say relief and then collapsed against me. It wasn’t long before sobs wracked her small frame, tears that had been held back too long pouring out to wet my suit.
But I didn’t mind, and I certainly didn’t complain. I just held her there, sure and warm, until her tears dried, and she sat up slightly.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
“No thanks needed,” I said, reaching up to cup her face, my thumbs wiping away her tears.
In that moment, our eyes locked and that same magnetic pull drew us together. The corners of her lips curled, and she leaned forward until we were a breath away.
We stayed like that for a second, our breathing ghosting across each other’s faces in a way that was just too perfect.
And then, without an ounce of hesitance, we surged forward in a heated kiss.
Chapter 18
Ella
What was I doing? I had invited Drayer over with the intention of telling him why I was so messed up and untrusting, and now I was making out with him on my couch.
But it was as thrilling as I remembered it. Fire licked along my body, and I felt my heart rate speed up, fueled by our passion for each other.
But the sudden whiplash was a bit intense, and I had to pull away after a moment. Snuggling closer, I made myself right at home, nuzzling his neck while pressing my body against his chest. Drayer was so incredibly warm and kind and just all around perfect. How could I not feel comfortable by his side?
Like we had been built for each other, my head fit exactly into the crook of his shoulder, and I closed my eyes against the world.
It was quiet in his embrace. Peaceful. I listened to the soothing rhythm of his heart, steadily thump-thumping away with excitement. I wondered if I could fall asleep to it, but clearly, Drayer had other ideas in mind.
“Am I that comfy?” he questioned, gently caressing up my thigh, then my waist, and finally running through my hair. It left warmth and desire in its wake, stirring me from the sleepiness and content that had been filling my body.
“Yes, you are,” I said, rubbing my face into his skin and letting his scent fill my nose. What cologne was that? I didn’t know, but it was fantastic and was starting to drive me wild. “This is very nice.”
“It is, isn’t it?”
We stayed there for a bit longer, absorbing the experience and the lack of tension that was so hard to get elsewhere in our lives. This was a kind of solace that I didn’t think either of us had in very large supply, considering both of us were caught up in the school-work-bill cycle.
But the longer we sat together and the cozier I became, the more I felt a very welcome sort of tension build up in my middle. While I was perfectly content to curl into Drayer’s side forever, another part of me wanted something more.
It started innocently enough with a single one of my fingers tentatively playing with the button hidden in the white strip of fur at the center of his jacket. I danced around it for nearly a minute, my digit tracing circles along it, flicking it this way and that, until finally his hand caught mine, and he gave it a gentle squeeze.
“What are you doing?” His voice was already raspy, and the tone was so sinful that my body couldn’t help but respond.
“What does it look like I’m doing?”
“Well, if I wasn’t mistaken, I would say you’re trying to de-Santa me.”
“Maybe, but can you blame a girl for wanting to see what’s under that big, red suit?”
He lifted his eyebrow and smiled so salaciously, I was surprised my panties didn’t melt right then and there. “Who am I to deny you what so many women want?”
Slowly, never breaking eye contact, he leaned forward. The angle forced me off his lap a little, but I just clamped on with my thighs to make sure I didn’t fall off.
Bit by bit, Drayer slowly flicked the first button open, clearly copying his striptease routine from the last time.
But there was only so much teasing a girl could take, so I reached forward and hungrily unfastened each of them in rapid succession and then slid it off of his shoulders until his upper half was bare before me.
Yes.
He was as alluring as I remembered or maybe even better. It seemed my memory hadn’t been accurate enough compared to the sheer sex appeal of the real thing.
I immediately went on the move. Curling into him once more, I trailed the very tip of my nail along all the striations and dips in his well-cut body.
God, he was hot, almost too much for me to bear. My finger began its journey at his taught belly button before sliding it along as I slowly explored all the way up his body. I didn’t neglect a single spot, making sure my nail or finger pad touched each and every inch of him.
He was like a study in anatomy, like the most intimate figure drawing course I had ever had. Everything about him seemed so deliberate, so perfect. How could I not treat him like a work of art?
Then, after a long, long journey, I eventually reached his throat. My finger went to the bit of elastic holding his fake, bushy beard in place, and I slowly pulled it over his head. The last thing I wanted to do was accidentally lose my grip and snap him in the face with the taut band. That would definitely break the mood.
There, the beard was off. Now, it was on to the wig.
I couldn’t imagine how hot it was being so layered every day, and I meant in the temperature way, not the sexy way. My fingers slid under the white, snowy hair atop his head and gently worked loose the bobby pins that held it to his thick hair.
It took several seconds, but my progress was halted as his hands came up to cup my breasts, which were right in his face. I hesitated for a second but kept going.
I underestimated how hard it would be to finagle the little fastening devices while his fingers encircled my nipples, but I quickly found out. It took me much longer than it normally would to get them all, but after a handful of minutes, I managed, and his wig joined his beard.
There. That was better.
Returning
my attention to his stubble-covered skin, I leaned forward. For a moment, I hovered a breath away, watching his pulse race through the arteries at the side of his neck, but after a few beats, I gave in and kissed the base of his throat, just below his Adam’s apple.
Drayer stiffened, his breath hitching, and that was all the encouragement I needed. Completely emboldened, I carefully grazed my bottom teeth along the flesh there. Like bands of steel, his arms encircled me, and I was being pulled even further toward him. My legs eagerly parted for him as I enthusiastically straddled his still fully-clothed lap.
The extra boost of height allowed me to look him right in the eyes, and the expression he was sending my way made me lose my breath. I didn’t think anyone had ever looked at me that way, and it simultaneously terrified me and made me feel like the most powerful woman in existence. An impossible mix, that was for sure, but that was exactly where I was.
Then, his large hands took a hold of my ass, grasping each of my cheeks none too gently. But I just hissed and leaned into it as he kneaded my soft, pliable flesh.
I was only wearing a simple peasant dress and leggings, but even that seemed to be too much between our bodies. I wanted to feel all of him, to have the entire landscape of his body burned into my memory so clearly, I would see it even in my dreams.
Our mouths crashed together again, emotions overwhelming me. I could only hope Drayer felt half as intensely as I did. Otherwise, I might seem mad in the ardency of my kiss.
I poured everything I could through the connection between us, my hope, my doubt, my fear, and my burning desire. It was enough to make my mind spin in a dizzy sort of dance that kept coming back to how much I wanted him.
But for once, I didn’t fight it. I didn’t try to be strong or to withdraw into my protective walls. I felt everything that came to me in the moment, letting all of it crescendo into an orchestra of emotion.
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