I knew that. Collin had mentioned it. But from what I’d heard, Addison didn’t have much of a relationship with her parents.
“I’m sorry.” I squeezed her shoulder.
“Thanks.” She shrugged. “Do you mind swinging by once or twice to check on Max and Lia? They’re going to be watching Chloe for us.”
“Yeah, sure. No problem.” I twirled my keys around my finger and smiled.
A few minutes later, I was on the road, following the directions to McKenna’s place. I hadn’t been there before, but I knew where the complex was. It sat on the edge of town, just before the turn onto the interstate I took to Arlo, the small town where my river house was.
When I pulled into the apartment complex’s parking lot, I sat for a while to try to calm my nerves. No doubt Kenna was waiting for Addie, not me. Would she tell me to leave once I got to the front door? Maybe she wasn’t even dressed. Addie should’ve called and told her I was coming.
“Fuck.” I tugged on my beard and blew out a breath as I got out of my SUV. If she was really sick and needed these lemons, I had to help her, whether she wanted me as a friend or not.
After buzzing at the door, only for some guy to let me inside in passing, I headed to apartment 117 and knocked twice on the door. Nerves had me rocking back and forth on my heels as I waited. Call me a chicken, but the thought of dropping the bag and running came to mind just as the door cracked open.
“Gavin.” Her eyes were wide, and tears filled the corners as she pulled the door open all the way.
I flinched at the sight of her. Pale face, red, bloodshot eyes… She looked like hell.
I went right in, my doubts eliminated about her needing me—or not wanting me there.
Forgetting our just-friends rules, I dropped the bag to the floor, kicked the door shut, and pulled her to my chest, stroking a hand up and down her spine. Against me, she relaxed, as though her entire body was on the verge of collapsing.
I pulled back enough to see her face. “What happened?”
She opened her mouth as if to speak, but then began to sob.
“Hey, talk to me.” Not thinking twice, I scooped her in my arms and carried her to the couch. She didn’t fight me. Instead, she cried harder, sobbing against me, clinging to my shirt.
A shit ton of thoughts ran through my head. Had she gotten bad news from the doctor and not told Addie the truth? Was something else wrong with her? Worse yet, had someone hurt her? I growled softly at the thought and held her tighter. What if the fucker last night did something to her? Addie said Kenna had been sick, but what was she sick from? I’d kill the asshole if he’d dosed her with something.
The longer Kenna cried against me, the more I lacked the words to speak. I didn’t comfort people well, except for Chloe on occasion. I didn’t know how—had never been taught. It was another reason why I shouldn’t want Kenna the way I did. Not when I didn’t even know how to make her feel better.
“Are you still sick?” My voice cracked. Jesus, Captain Obvious. “I mean, can I do anything to help?”
Her sobs finally stopped, but her arm stayed wrapped around my neck. “No,” she whispered.
That breathy word grazed hot against the side of my throat, and I couldn’t help but squeeze her closer. But instead of talking or trying to figure out what to do, I let her lie against me, let her hold me too. Because that’s what friends did, right? Held each other when things got tough.
Ten minutes later, her breathing evened out. And because I couldn’t stand the thought of letting her go, I sat there, stroking her blond hair, rubbing her back, doing everything I could to soothe her without pushing the limit.
* * *
McKenna
My eyes were swollen when they reopened an hour or so later. Not that I was surprised. I’d basically lost it the second I saw Gavin standing at my door.
Gavin, the father of my child.
Sweet Jesus, what the hell was I going to do?
Of course, I couldn’t find it in me to tell him the truth. I’d barely been able to wrap my own head around the idea. I would tell him soon though, very soon. I just had to figure out how and when.
I’d expected him to maybe put me in bed or leave me alone on the couch. What I didn’t expect was to be in the same position I’d been in before I fell asleep: warm and safe in his arms.
Snuggled against his hard chest, I couldn’t help but sigh. Being there with Gavin… It could be my home, if I let it. I knew he wanted more from me. He’d told me straight up in that elevator that he liked me. But now, in the middle of the biggest crisis of my life, was not the time to ponder the impossible.
“You okay?” he whispered hoarsely.
“I’m okay.” Or as okay as I could be, given the circumstances. “Thank you for staying with me.”
He absently twirled a lock of my hair around his finger. “You scared me.”
Slowly, I sat up, nonchalantly moving onto the couch beside him. The intimate touching was making my already-aching heart even wearier. “Sorry. It’s just that sometimes when I’m sick, I get emotional.” It wasn’t a huge lie.
He cleared his throat and leaned forward onto his knees, running his hands through his shaggy hair. “Do you need me to get you anything else? I brought lemons for your water. Soup or crackers, maybe?”
“No thank you.” My stomach tightened at the simple thought of food, reminding me I wasn’t completely okay from last night’s food disaster.
What I really needed was for him to stop being so sweet and loving and so…Gavin. It only complicated things more.
“I’m not okay, actually.” I sucked in my breath, gathering courage I didn’t think I had. With my hands on my hips, I stood, unsure of where to go from here. For weeks, I’d been pushing him away, and I hated myself for doing so. Not only was it rude and selfish, but also incredibly immature. For now, though, I needed space. Some time to think and be alone, figure out what I wanted, most of all. “I think you should go, Gavin.”
The shock in his gaze was a good sign—the kind that said he was too stunned to respond. But seconds later, when my courage was shot full of adrenaline, he shook his head and moved to stand in front of me, breaking down the barriers I’d just barely built. “I want to stay and help you. Please. Let me.”
I flinched at his sentiment. Nobody had ever stayed. Not my mother, my father, my exes. What made him any different?
My throat ached as I swallowed, yet I held my chin high and said, “No thank you.”
“But you’re sick. I want—”
“I smell like puke.” I turned my head away, annoyed with my own invalid excuses.
“McKenna, look at me.” He tipped my chin up with his finger, eyes wide and filled with an emotion I couldn’t recognize as he searched my face.
“I am looking.” And I was—with so much more than just my eyes. That was the problem.
I was looking through my heart and my head, which were battling each other. My head said run, my heart said stay, and the baby in my stomach…
“Oh God.”
This time, I made it to the bathroom before vomiting. I heaved into the toilet, and my head spun as I pressed my hands against the side of the bowl.
“Whoa.” Gavin mumbled from the doorframe.
“Leave me alone,” I groaned, nudging his arm back.
“You need help. Let me—”
“I don’t need your help,” I cried, heaving again. “Go away. Please.” Tears from vomiting and crying filled my eyes. My throat singed, as if it were filled with razor blades, clawing at my insides from my chest to my throat, then delving straight into my heart.
“Kenna, please…” A hand pressed against my lower back as he crouched down beside me. That’s all it took for me to lose it.
“I don’t want you seeing me like this. Please. Just go.”
�
�But—”
“I said leave.” Tears dripped down my cheeks, passing the dip of my chin. I shut my eyes, embarrassed and hating myself for becoming the bitch I strove not to be. I wasn’t my mother. I never would be. But in that moment, I felt exactly like her.
I’d never hated myself more.
A sigh came from my right, but I didn’t look at Gavin’s face, too scared to see the disappointment I knew would be there. He was a good man, unlike anyone I’d ever met. And the more goodness I saw in him, the more I wanted him. In a weird way, I already had him—at least a piece of him. But this baby inside me was not going to make me do an about-face on relationships.
I’d learned the hard way, watching my own parents’ marriage fall apart. Children did not heal people. Nor did they bring them together.
I heard him leave—the way his shoes hit the wooden floor in my hallway, the sound of the word fuck in the living room. The door clicked as he let himself out and I flinched, hearing everything. Feeling it all inside my chest as I broke down and sobbed. I cried until no tears remained, until I lay down on the tile and fell asleep, all by myself…exactly the way it should be.
Chapter 10
Gavin
Everything about her was wrong, even though she was exactly the type of woman I would normally go for. Smart, funny, sweet…a brunette with gray eyes and dimples, beyond gorgeous. Hell, she even laughed at my stupid joke, when I managed to tell one. Her name was Sienna. Max had gone out with her once, but she wasn’t his type. Unlike a lot of the other women he went out with, they’d managed to stay friends.
Had I not been hung up on a certain blond, I would’ve thanked the hell out of Maxwell for hooking me up with this woman.
I really fucking hated how my mind worked.
Still, I was out of the house, not thinking about Kenna’s rejection, on Thursday. Not thinking about how broken she’d looked when I left her crying in her bathroom. Though the longer my date lasted, the more I wondered if Kenna was okay. If she was drinking enough water. If she was eating enough, or if she was still throwing up. I’d have to call Addie again, though I was pretty sure she suspected something, since I’d been calling twice a day about Kenna.
“So, you’re an EMT? That’s what Max told me.” Sienna moved in closer, clearly interested. The lights above our restaurant table only made her look more beautiful.
“Yeah.” I was usually a man of few words. But the way I was behaving tonight, she probably thought I was the closest thing to a mute there was. I needed to end this now. Tell her I wasn’t feeling it. That she deserved better than me. But the words wouldn’t come out, and instead, I sucked down the rest of my beer.
I tugged at my beard and leaned back in the booth, needing space. She frowned, obviously disappointed, but didn’t say anything. Not like a certain someone would.
I should have appreciated that. Not being pushed. But I realized how badly I craved it. From Kenna.
The rest of the dinner passed in awkward silence. I found myself looking at my cell phone a hell of a lot more than I should. I felt like an asshole about it, even apologized, explaining how my friend was sick and I was worried about her.
After the check was paid, and we headed out the door, Sienna took my hand as we walked across the parking lot.
“I had a really good time tonight.” Her smile was soft and pretty, but she didn’t make my heart beat faster.
“You did?” Because I was more than positive I’d fucked everything up. Maybe she was just being nice. Or maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough.
“Yeah, I’d love to go out again sometime.”
“Hmm.”
She frowned at my answer, leading me to her car. We’d met at the restaurant. She told Max she felt safer doing so. And because I was all about making someone feel safe, I’d agreed.
“Are you heading home after this?” she asked as we stopped in front of her car.
I nodded.
“Do you maybe want to watch a movie or something?”
It took me a second to realize what she was asking. And because I knew Max would be pissed if I didn’t try harder, I said, “Sure. My place?”
Her smile grew wide. “I’d like that.”
I nodded again, a little stupefied over why she still wanted to hang out. In the end, she followed my Suburban, parking along the street outside the duplex.
Twenty minutes later, we were on my couch, scouring Netflix. She’d grabbed a folded blanket off the floor by her feet and laid it over our laps. Beneath it, she reached for my hand and squeezed as she pulled it onto her lap.
I tried like hell to enjoy the sensation, the soft feeling of her skin against mine. Tried to make myself feel something—anything—for this woman. This was the first date I’d been on in months, and with a pretty great woman at that. But nothing felt right.
A quarter of the way through the movie, Cat—which is what I’d decided to name the cat—jumped onto our blanket.
Sienna gasped and jerked toward the other end of the couch, causing Cat to arch his back and hiss. “You have a cat?”
“Yeah, I do.”
“Well, can you lock it up?” Lip curled, she shooed a hand toward the hall. Her reaction was the first sign that this was not, indeed, the woman for me.
“Are you allergic?” I asked.
“No. I just… I don’t like them. They’re too hairy.”
Someone knocked at my front door just then, saving me from saying something asshole-worthy. Cat jumped down, beating me to the door, and out of the corner of my eye, I watched Sienna stand and grab her coat. Apparently, cats were deal breakers for her.
I swooped Cat up and tucked him to my side. He purred, nuzzling against my stomach. I grinned. A woman who didn’t like cats was a deal breaker for me too.
The knock grew more insistent. I looked out the window and froze.
Kenna.
* * *
McKenna
Addie squeezed me tighter, the scent of her strawberry shampoo soothing my frayed nerves.
I’d come over to have pizza with her, Chloe, and Collin, but one bite in and I was done for. The nausea was so awful that I barely made it to their bathroom in time to be sick. It would seem the food poisoning I’d been diagnosed with had turned into all-day, every-day morning sickness.
Like the perfect bestie she was, Addie had followed me into the bathroom, then held my hair and stroked my back. But she was silent the entire time, and I knew from that alone she had suspicions. It only took her one question to turn me into a blubbering mess.
Do you know who the father is?
Part of me wanted to lie, mainly because Addie had warned me away from Gavin from the beginning. And since Pisser Paul had come and gone, she knew my stance on relationships. Still, a person could only tell so many lies before getting caught up in them. So…I told her everything. From the elevator, to the kiss in the elevator, and how I’d run right afterward. Then I told her about the night we’d spent together five weeks ago, after Lia’s last night at Jimney’s, and the next morning when I’d jumped out the window, ripping my favorite leather boots in the process.
Then I cried. Again.
“You know condoms are not always effective. And for as active as you are sexually, I’m surprised you aren’t on any other contraceptive.”
I cringed, wishing she were wrong. Because I wasn’t as head-in-the-game as she thought. I was a half-asser in all things in life, someone who made reckless mistakes. For instance, sleeping with a man I knew I shouldn’t have slept with.
“Birth control and I don’t mesh.” I blew out a quick breath, thankful she wasn’t going to nag me about Gavin being the father. Still, I didn’t like that she was shaming me at all.
I pulled back, putting distance between us on the bed. Trying to stave off my tears, I looked around the room that now belonged to her and her boyf
riend.
“Still, Kenna…”
“What, you think I planned this or something? I wasn’t exactly in the right frame of mind that night.” But then again, I wasn’t that drunk either. Peach schnapps be damned.
Her eyes widened. “What? No, no, no. God, no, Kenna. You know I didn’t mean it like that. I—”
“That’s what it felt like. You of all people know I don’t want anything serious right now, relationship-wise. And a baby? That’s never been in my plans. I want to travel more. Get my master’s. I’m not cut out for this life.” I jerked my hand around her room, only to let it slap against my thigh.
“What life do you mean, exactly?” Her eyes narrowed.
I stood from the bed and walked over to her dresser, picking up a four-by-six photo of her and Collin from sometime last fall. They were in Chicago together, cuddled up on the sidelines at one of his rugby matches. She was dressed in a hoodie, and Collin wore those tiny shorts and no shirt—even though the temperature was freezing, from the looks of it.
“I want more than this, Addie.” I showed her the picture, shaking it slightly, then set it back down.
“So, you’re saying that since I don’t have an actual job, I’m lower than you?”
It was my turn to cringe. Crap. I really needed to reengage my mouth’s filtration system. “No.” I turned to face her. “That came out wrong. I’m sorry.”
“Well,” she scoffed, “you know this wasn’t how I’d planned on my life turning out, but I’m happy with it, and I don’t really care what other people think. Including you.”
I sighed, too tired to fight. “Addie…”
She lifted her chin, staring down her nose at me. I knew that look, that fire in her eyes. My blowtorch of a best friend had been lit.
“What I meant was…” I held my breath, then slowly blew it out. “I didn’t plan on having kids.”
Her shoulders fell—whether from relief or disappointment, I wasn’t sure. “We’ve never wanted the same things in life, Kens. But we’ve always agreed on supporting each other’s decisions, no matter what happens.” She moved closer, all five foot four of her standing in front of me, pride in her dark eyes. “And just so you know, I did get that job for this fall at the preschool in Matoona. And I like staying home with Chloe. And Collin doesn’t care what I do, as long as I’m happy. He’s not like my father, or my mother, or anyone else I’ve ever met. He doesn’t pressure me—”
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