“Or at his best.” I rolled over, pulling her on top of me. She straddled my thighs with a giggle, that gorgeous pussy of hers still wet with our releases.
She settled her head against my chest, right where I wanted it to be and the best feeling in the world. I played with the ends of her hair.
“It’s the truth,” she whispered against my skin, drawing her hand up and down my sternum.
“Is it?”
She nodded. “But there’s still the matter of the…thing.”
The thing being our child, I guessed. “We’ve got six months left.”
“Yeah…” She drew out a long breath. I could feel her heart against mine. Somewhere in that mind of hers, she had something more to say, but I wasn’t gonna be the one to pull it out of her. And she wasn’t one to be pushed either. It’s how we worked.
A beat past, our breaths matching in pace. For a minute, I thought she’d fallen asleep, until I felt her sigh against me. “We should talk about it.”
“And?” I shut my eyes, waiting for the worst.
“I’m still not sure if I can be a mom, Gavin. But I’m willing to try with you, no matter what.”
Air spilled out of my mouth, blowing against her long bangs. Hearing that was like the best kind of pain. Yet I wouldn’t say that. In the end, it was her decision to make, not mine. “One step at a time.”
Slowly, she propped her chin on my chest, staring back at me with haunted blue eyes. Tears filled the corners, as if she was terrified I’d turn her away. But I wouldn’t. No matter what. How could I be mad at her for being unsure of something she’d never planned for?
The possibility of raising this kid on my own scared the hell out of me, yeah. But if she decided she wanted it that way—walking away from us, no questions asked—I couldn’t, in good conscience, stop her, even if it killed me to let her go.
“The whole thing with my sister being here puts a lot of things in a weird perspective for me. If I wind up giving you this baby, letting you raise it alone, I’ll feel like I failed worse than my own parents did. And that’s not what I want.”
“Jesus, Kenna. Don’t say that. Please.” With my heart nearly in my throat, I stroked a thumb over her cheek. She meant so much to so many people. Me, Addie, her sister, her friends from work… “You are not your parents.” I kept going, not willing to stop until she believed it. “You are good and brave, already a far better parent than they ever were because you’re making the decision for the baby’s sake, not your own.”
Tears covered her red cheeks, her words breaking my heart. “How can you say that? I’m so selfish, Gavin. I want to do things in life, like travel, maybe go back to school…get a better degree. And part of me wants to willingly abandon this kid for my own selfishness.”
“You can do all that. No matter what choice you make. Nobody will look at you any differently, Kenna. I promise.”
She sniffed and buried her face into my neck, sobbing and shaking. And instead of telling her to calm down, to not cry, I let her get it all out. Then, when she was done, I let her lie on my chest and catch her breath while I thought about things myself. McKenna things, baby things, life things…things beyond my house on the river and my job. I thought about how a future was possible for the first time in my life, whether that included Kenna or not.
When I’d lived with my uncle, I didn’t know whether I’d have a blanket to cover up with at night or a drop of food on my plate to eat. Futures were never set in stone when I was growing up. But the thought of this baby, and this woman, whether we were all together or not, was everything, even though nothing about it was ordinary.
“I’m capable of taking care of a baby financially, just so you know,” McKenna mumbled.
I kissed the top of her head. “I know you are.”
“And I’m not a bad person either.”
“Far from.” I squeezed her even closer, willing her to feel my affection. My love.
She sighed. “Giving you our baby would be me being responsible. Proving that I’m not my mother or my father after all.”
“You’re you, Kenna.” I stroked some hair off her face. “You’re the woman I’m falling for. The woman who makes me laugh and smile. The only person in my life who makes me feel worthy. I want what you want. That’s all.” Even if it meant her walking away.
Minutes later, in that slow, getting-to-know-your-lips way, McKenna pressed her mouth over mine. We kissed for what could have been minutes or hours. It was the type of kissing that made me drunk with need, with love.
I dug my fingers into her hair, and it fell over our faces even more, a curtain cutting us off from the rest of the world. She moaned against my lips, using her tongue to do all the talking. With her kisses, I felt acceptance, I just didn’t know what she was accepting.
She pulled back, kissing my nose, each of my eyes, my cheeks, then my lips. I lifted a hand, holding it to her cheek, and the back of her hair tickled my knuckles.
“You’re not who I expected, St. James.”
I smiled. “Who were you expecting?”
“The guy with more issues than me.” She bit her lip and winced. “Sorry, that came out wrong.”
“That’s who I am.” I shrugged, unashamed.
She shook her head. “You don’t show it though. I’ve only seen you lose it once…in that elevator.”
“Everyone handles their issues differently. Maybe I’m just real good at hiding things.” Lately, though, I didn’t have much to hide.
For a good three months now, things in my world had been calmer. Steadier. I still had the nightmares about seeing my dead brother, about shit going down in Afghanistan, and the feeling of waking up in that tiny shed, shaking. I couldn’t get the memories out, no matter how hard I tried.
My doctor had attempted to help me, even when I’d given her hell. I took meds—something nobody knew but me. I wasn’t embarrassed that I had issues with anxiety and depression. What I was ashamed of was the fact that I hadn’t gotten my shit taken care of earlier.
“What happens if you take this baby and decide you can’t handle it?” Kenna asked.
“Wouldn’t happen.” I was sure of that.
“Haven’t you had issues in the past? With Chloe, I mean? Addie told me about that time you babysat for Collin and got freaked out because she had a fever.” She rolled over to lie next to me, her naked body pressed close, her hand on my face when I turned to look at her. She reached up and ran her finger across the scar by my eyebrow. The one I’d gotten when I’d knocked my head into the wall repeatedly at sixteen, after Adam died, to try to escape the image of seeing him bleeding out in the bathtub.
“I was pretty fucked up back then.” I swallowed at the memory, leaning into her hand. “But at the time, I didn’t think I had issues anymore. Thought it was just me not being used to kids. When really, I was just overwhelmed with life.”
Cat jumped up, nuzzling between us on top of the blanket. Kenna pulled her hand from my face and reached down to stroke the top of his head.
When she didn’t question what had happened, what had made me the way I was, I took the quiet moment to keep talking—give her my truth. I told her about my uncle’s river house going up for auction. “I knew nothing about remodeling and construction. But I was damn glad I took the chance. Being there…it made me feel like I was taking that part of my life and breaking it apart, just so I could start over.” I didn’t tell Kenna what happened after I first went inside though. How I’d sat there in that old, empty kitchen, fucking crying like a baby because I knew I was never going to forget that time in my life, no matter what happened. But I was willing to try to make it right again.
She smiled. “That’s a pretty amazing story.”
“And you’re a pretty amazing woman.”
“Puh-lease.” She shooed me away with her hand, eyes rolling. But I grabbed her wrist,
pulled it to my mouth, and kissed it.
“No matter what you decide, I’m gonna stick by you, McKenna. I just want you to know that.”
She understood what I meant. I could see it in the thick tears filling her eyes. But she didn’t talk anymore. And neither did I. Instead, I pulled her into my arms and fell asleep with her there.
Then in the morning, when I rolled over and found her body still sprawled across mine, I knew I’d made strides with her. Big ones.
Chapter 26
McKenna
Leaving my sister to go to Galena had been one of the hardest things I’d ever done. No matter how many times I offered to pay for her to come with, she refused, saying she wanted to try to be alone for once. In a way, I think she didn’t want to be around my friends. Not because she didn’t like them, but because she didn’t know them well enough to want to be with them like I did.
“She’s fine.” Gavin squeezed my hand as we walked along the small sidewalk toward our cozy, little cottage near the back of the inn’s property.
I’d put my cell phone in my purse after texting Hanna for the fifth time in the three hours we’d been there, trying to grab hold of the optimism Gavin seemed to be filled with.
“Yeah, I feel better knowing that she’s staying with Emma for the weekend, but it’s still hard, ya know?”
“You’re a good sister.” Gavin reached behind his head, tying his hair into a bun. He’d been wearing it down all day, and it only made him that much sexier. Heck, everything about this man was epically sexy. Not to mention he had a heart made of softness that rivaled the clouds and heaven above. I’d never been a fuzzy, unicorns-and-rainbows kind of lady, but one month of dating Gavin, and I was pretty sure I’d morphed into a classic romance heroine.
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, St. James, but there’s no need to lay it on so thick.” I hip-checked him. “I’m a guaranteed lay.”
His green eyes sparkled with amusement, but his words were serious. “I’m not kidding. Hanna’s lucky to have you. Don’t pretend that you’re not amazing.”
I grinned and poked him in the ribs. He grunted, reaching for my hand as we came to the door of the cottage.
“Come on, now. What’s a guy gotta do to compliment his girl and have her believe him?”
“Absolutely nothing.” I stepped forward and kissed him once on the cheek. Like a teenage schoolgirl, I couldn’t help but wonder if the next step in my infatuation with him would be doodling Gavin, Gav, or Gavvy all over my file folders and charts at work.
He pulled out the key, but before he opened the door, he turned to me full on, eyes suddenly narrowed with concern. “If you’re really worried about your sister, we can leave right after the ceremony tomorrow.”
“And miss out on more sex with the hottest guy who’s ever been inside me?” I licked my lips, scoping him out from head to toe. I tugged the tail of his button-down shirt, the one he’d bought after I’d gone down on him in a dressing room at the mall last week. He called it his lucky shirt, and I couldn’t agree more. “Hell no.”
“You like this, don’t you?” He chuckled under his breath as I moved in to kiss his chin. The sun was setting, reflecting off the Mississippi River that sat at our backs in the distance. It warmed my forehead almost as much as Gavin warmed my insides with his words, his hands, his body.
“What exactly do I like, hmm?” I grinned, moving to his throat, his beard tickling my nose. Slowly, I lowered my hands to his elbows. “Because if you mean spending nights with you, then yes, I like that a lot.”
“Not what I meant.”
“Then what did you mean?” I frowned, pulling back to look up at him.
One side of his mouth curled higher than the other in that Gavin way I adored. “You like what we’ve been doing this past month.”
“What, having sex any time we want and then waking up to do it all over again in the morning?”
“No.” He pressed his forehead against mine, his face stoic, his breathing suddenly unsteady. “Being mine.”
My insides melted, dropping to puddles at my feet. Yet the heart inside my chest kept beating, increasing its speed with every breath he exhaled against my lips.
Is that what I was?
His?
And did I want to be his?
“I…do.” Yeah. I did.
With my toes curled inside my shoes at my admission, I lifted my hands and dipped them into the neck of his shirt. A growl rumbled from his chest as he gripped my hips and tugged them against his. “I’ve waited a long time to hear that, Brewer.”
As his hands grazed the top of my backside, I tipped my head to the side and said, “Take me inside.” I needed him more now than ever.
Until Max called his name from behind.
“Fucking Max,” he groaned, pulling back so our noses touched. “Sorry. I gotta go.” But Gavin’s hands said otherwise, trailing over my hips, squeezing tighter.
“Not yet. Max can wait,” I mumbled against his lips. Screw the fact that we were about to have an audience. I needed this man. Needed my man.
“Hmm,” I moaned as he kissed me deeper, pulled me closer, and pushed me back against the door. He hitched my leg up. The skirt I’d been wearing all afternoon slipped so high that the wind brushed against the lace of my panties underneath the hem.
One kiss, two, three. But then he was pulling away, wiping at his mouth with his arm, his hands going in his hair and his eyes squeezing shut as though he was in pain. “I can’t stay. I’m already late.”
“I know.” My shoulders dropped, and I couldn’t help but pout. Screw a bachelor’s night. I needed a Gavin night instead.
Max laughed behind him. “Wow. Okay, then. I’m gonna go grab some popcorn and pull up a seat to watch the show.”
I glared at him from over Gavin’s shoulder, watching as he hopped and jumped down the sidewalk steps like a little kid.
“Go away,” I grumbled.
“You two tryin’ for twins or what?” Max laughed, hip bumping me as he moved in from my right. He mock-punched scowling Gavin in the shoulder, not taking the hint.
As he shook his head, Gavin looked down at me, heat still in his eyes, accompanied by a silent promise that said soon.
“Just so the two of you know, Colly’s likely to chop off your nuts if you’re late, so you better make ’em useful while you can.” Max whistled the theme song from Jaws, slapped Gavin’s shoulder, then took off up the sidewalk again.
With a growl buried deep in his chest, Gavin turned and unlocked the cottage door.
I laughed, shaking my head, as he scooped me into his arms. “You’re a glutton for punishment, you know that, right?”
He smirked and turned the handle with his free hand, carrying me inside. “Totally fucking worth it.”
And I couldn’t have agreed more.
* * *
“Collin may have been a huge dipshit as a kid, but I’m ninety-nine percent sure you made him a better man as an adult.” Lia winked at Addie, who was hunkered down on one of the couches that sat in the main lobby of the Goldmoor Inn. Three other couches surrounded a big coffee table that was piled high with chocolates and wine—wine I sadly could not drink. Addie sat on one couch, Lia and her mom on another, and me on the biggest one of all, with Chloe sleeping at my side, her head on my lap.
We’d been there since the guys left around seven, conversing about life and love and all things in between. It was amazing—the first time I’d ever felt like I was part of a family. Even though none of these people was biologically related to me, I wondered whether this was what I’d missed out on for so long. And if that was the case, I cursed the world for robbing me of the happiness it gave me. Cursed myself for not finding it sooner. Temporary happiness had nothing on this.
I stroked Chloe’s hair, marveling at all the curls on her head, just as Lia pipe
d in with, “You’re going to make a good mom, Kenna.”
I blinked, meeting the stares of the three women around me. Mrs. Montgomery stared the hardest. Not with disdain, but with wonder and curiosity. It was a look that both confused and terrified me.
She tapped her chin and leaned forward. Brown hair fell over her cheeks in a menacing way, though she looked like the least menacing person I’d ever seen. “I’ve known Gavin for a while now,” she began, “and have never seen him as happy as he is with you.”
My face heated at her words. Embarrassment hit me worse than any nausea I’d felt during the first trimester thus far. I cleared my throat. “Oh?”
“Yes. It’s completely mesmerizing, really. That boy”—she tsked—“was a hot mess when I first met him all those years ago.”
“Right?” Lia nodded quickly. “I mean, I thought it was just me.” She turned toward her mother, wrapping her black, lacy, fingerless gloves around the woman’s wrist. They were so close, always looking as though they held special secrets only best friends shared. A pulse of jealousy passed through me at the thought, and I glanced quickly at Addie, who wore a smile on her face—one only I could see through. No doubt she wished her mom were here for this too. They may not have been close toward the end, but once upon a time, they’d shared what only a mom and daughter could.
“It’s pretty amazing, isn’t it?” Addie yawned and rubbed her eyes. “I’m really happy for you two, Kenna. Seriously. Not sure if I’ve mentioned it enough.”
“We’re all happy for you. Especially since Gavin has been through so much,” Lia added.
The thing of it was, the three of them only knew the half of it about Gavin and what he’d been through. And as selfish as it sounded, I liked knowing I held his deepest secrets, just as he held some of mine.
Lia raised her glass in the air, words slurring ever so slightly. “And let me tell you what… That baby you’re carrying?” She pointed to my stomach. “It’s going to be extremely lucky to have two amazing parents.”
My shoulders stiffened at her words, thoughts plaguing me in unfamiliar and insecure ways. If I hadn’t become pregnant, would Gavin and I be where we were now? Likely not, which had me thinking a million different thoughts. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted this baby. But if I gave this baby up, I’d not only lose Gavin, but all the new and wonderful feelings he’d inspired in me over the last couple of months.
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