Recklessly Ever After

by Heather Van Fleet

  A groan sounded, catching my attention. It was a pained sound, like someone was trying not to explode with excitement. When I smiled and looked up, I saw Collin, this time with a hand over his mouth, rubbing furiously. He looked seconds away from falling at Addie’s feet when she finally approached his side.

  “Fuck this.” Collin growled, grabbing her around the waist. He kissed her, and she kissed him back, and neither stopped, not even when the music did.

  I shook my head, forgetting all my own senses as I yanked Kenna even closer. Her lips pursed, but then I kissed her cheek, and as if my mouth were magic, she relaxed against my shoulder, folding into me.

  It was right where she belonged. Where I always wanted her to be.

  The officiant cleared his throat when the kissing between Addison and Collin wouldn’t stop. Whispering something under his breath, Max put Chloe down, and we all watched the little thing run toward Addie and tug on her white dress from behind. Grinning, Addie reached down and lifted her, cooing at how beautiful she looked.

  Collin was the first to speak. “Not gonna apologize.” He nodded once at the officiant before he continued. “Haven’t kissed my girl since last night, and that’s a long time to wait for me.”

  Addie tugged on the end of his tie with her free hand. “And we have the rest of our lives to kiss, silly.”

  I rolled my eyes, laughing a little. The two of them were weird as shit. And I loved them like family.

  Collin grabbed Chloe from his soon-to-be wife, kissing the blond troublemaker on the nose before handing her to his mom. Mrs. Montgomery held her granddaughter’s hand and offered her a sucker.

  The ceremony droned on after that, and normal wedding stuff was said. Collin and Addie spoke some vows, but my mind was occupied with the woman at my side. Her eyes never stopped watering, her lips quivering too. She was crying, yeah, but they were happy tears. The only kind I ever wanted to see on her face again.

  More words were spoken; rings were exchanged. I think Maxwell might even have cracked a joke, but my body, my mind, my everything was consumed by thoughts of Kenna and me having our own wedding one day. A day when I’d vow to her that I’d be her savior, no matter what happened, no matter where we were.

  McKenna was my piece of forever.

  As if she could hear my thoughts, she faced me, kissing me lightly on the lips.

  “I love you.” I couldn’t help but whisper the words. I needed her to know my feelings, my thoughts.

  Her fingertips lingered on my beard, as my fingers lingered on her face, and it wasn’t until Max smacked me upside the back of my head that I realized the wedding was over. And McKenna hadn’t run when I said those three words.

  * * *

  McKenna

  Before I could say I love you too, Gavin turned around and smacked Maxwell’s arm.

  We stood and clapped as Collin scooped up Addie and cradled her to his chest. He all but ran down the white runner, nearly tripping as he darted around the corner of the inn. Eyes wide, I glanced toward the front of the altar, then back at Max, Lia, and Gavin. The two guys shared a look while Lia slapped her forehead and said, “My brother’s a fucking idiot.”

  “Um, someone wanna fill me in on where they’re going?” I was still trying to wipe my dang tears away. Heck, I didn’t get to say congrats or hug my best friend.

  “You don’t wanna know.” Gavin wrapped his arm around my waist. The four of us walked toward Collin and Lia’s parents, along with Chloe, who was still content with the sucker she’d scored from her grandma.

  “Um, yeah. I do.” I dropped Gavin’s hand and put mine on my hips, waiting.

  “Oh, jeez, you two suck. I’ll tell her.” Lia punched Max in the shoulder and looked at me. “Addie told Collin they could try for another baby as soon as the wedding was over.”

  My nose scrunched up. Ew. Collin was such a douche bag. “So, what, he was literally going to take her up on it? As in, right now?”

  “Yep.” She nodded, then walked to her parents, hugging them something fierce. Not one of them seemed concerned with what had just happened.

  What the hell was wrong with these people?

  “You hungry?” Gavin leaned over and pressed his palm against my stomach.

  I froze.

  As did he.

  Our eyes met, and then he grinned—just a little. It was the first time he’d touched my stomach like that. He must have felt what I’d been noticing for weeks. The tiny balled-up bulge.

  “It’s… Is that…”

  I nodded.

  His eyes widened. We’d been naked together a bunch of times over the course of the last month, but only today had the bulge finally made its appearance.

  I cleared my throat, unsure of the warmth in my chest. Unsure if I liked it or wanted it gone. “It’s a baseball with limbs right now.”

  He took another step closer. A look of concentration filled his eyes. The sun peeked from behind a cloud, haloing around his head and face while he stared down at his hand over my stomach. Awe filled his eyes as he spread his fingers, covering the small bulge that was our baby.

  Our baby.

  At the thought, I swallowed. Hard. The normal lump that appeared when I thought of this child slid away. The idea of having him or her didn’t send me into the pits of regret anymore. Gavin and I had made some strides that I hadn’t thought I’d be able to make with a man, which got me to thinking: Could I have this baby with him after all? The concept was so foreign and distracting that I almost didn’t hear his question.

  “Have you, um, felt it move yet?” His eyes narrowed in concentration as he moved his hand around even more.

  I shook my head, slowly, the sensation sending my heart fluttering. “Soon though. Apparently fourteen weeks is a good time for first movement.”

  His eyebrows arched. “Have you been, I don’t know, reading up on this?”

  I nodded. Again.

  “I-I don’t know what to say.” His expression said it all, though, whether he knew it or not. I’d given Gavin a gift with that admission.

  “Me neither.” Mainly because I had no idea what I was doing. I just didn’t want the feeling in me to stop.

  He stepped closer, dropping his hands to his sides. But instead of pulling away, he kissed my forehead, inhaling. “I meant what I said.”

  “I know.” I meant what I wanted to say.

  “And you don’t have to say it back. I—”

  “Gavin, stop.” It was my turn to press my hand against his face. “I love you too, okay?”

  His eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks. “You do?”

  “I do.” The problem was, I had no idea what to do next.

  Chapter 28

  Gavin

  Two weeks after Collin and Addison’s wedding, I finally felt like I had a handle on my life for the first time in years. I was going to be a father—single or not, I wasn’t sure—and I also had a fucking fantastic new girlfriend who loved me like I did her.

  Life was good, even if it wasn’t set in stone. But I had faith that things would play out as planned. Just wasn’t sure where that faith was coming from.

  We’d gotten a call from the Arlo PD asking for backup around three that afternoon. There’d been a five-car pileup on the interstate due to the rain-slicked roads, and Arlo’s emergency crews couldn’t handle so many transports. Thankfully, there were no life-threatening injuries to report, just a few needing stitches and a couple of possible concussions. When I was done there, I’d be on my way to Kenna’s place.

  The words coming from the radio slipped in and out of my ears, buzzing like background noise. Regardless of my good mood, my head still wasn’t where it should be today, probably because I knew Kenna and her sister were out on the road, driving home from Chicago after seeing that museum. I probably should’ve called in and gone with them, but
I didn’t want to push my luck with the boss since I’d only been back to work for six weeks.

  No matter. Kenna had promised to call when she got home—which according to my clock should be soon.

  Twenty minutes later, we pulled up to the crash. Cops were scattered around the scene, taking notes and doing initial first care for the victims. Even with our wipers on full blast, the water was drenching, nearly blinding my partner, Lance, and me as we pulled up to the scene.

  I grabbed my shit, covered myself in a raincoat, then jogged toward the truck where we were needed. It wasn’t until I stood five feet away that reality set in as I took in the scene—more so the truck.

  “No.” Slowly, I shook my head, blinking, soaked, growing numb.

  “St. James, let’s go,” Lance called to me from over his shoulder, his voice dark and distant.

  I stared back at him, unblinking, willing him to handle this on his own because there was no way in hell I could do it.

  No. Way. In. Hell.

  Yet somehow, in the back of my mind, I knew it was inevitable. Knew I needed to see it with my own eyes.

  One step, then two, and I was already at the bumper, my boots skidding to a stop along the wet pavement. My hands shook against my sides, my heart racing. I was completely numb by then, hands tingling around my pack strap. Even as I squeezed, as I pressed my nails against the flesh of my palm, I couldn’t feel a damn thing.

  Inside my chest, though, my lungs squeezed with every breath I struggled to take.

  I knew that bumper sticker.

  I knew that license plate.

  I knew that goddamn, motherfucking truck.

  The flashing emergency lights flickered through my vision, as did the music. Though nothing played outright, the memories sounded like sirens in my ears. The same fucking music he’d blared into that shed. That shed I suffered inside for months.

  I squeezed my eyes shut, opening and closing my mouth. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuck.

  Rage blinded me. My fists squeezing. Lance was there, helping the accident victim stand, unknowingly helping the stupid son of a bitch who made me into the no-good, fucked-up guy I was today.

  I breathed in through my nose again, then out through my mouth, not calm. Never calm. Yet the dizziness was too much, and my knees shook, forcing me to move forward just enough to hold on to the truck.

  His truck.

  My uncle.

  He was still living in Arlo.

  “St. James, gonna need the stretcher for this one after all,” Lance called over the top of the door, his voice carrying through the rain as it pelted him in the face.

  I might have nodded. Or maybe shook my head. Or maybe I didn’t do a damn thing, other than turn around, walk to the ambulance, grab the stretcher, and push it back across the street, ignoring the way my hair stuck to my face, the way my rain jacket had slid off my shoulders, the rain soaking through my clothes, drenching my charged skin.

  “Jesus, took you long enough.” Lance laughed at me. He fucking laughed.

  But I couldn’t tell him what he’d done. Or what he was doing. I couldn’t get close enough to do so. Because I couldn’t, for anything, let my uncle see me cry. I couldn’t see him either. There’s no telling what I’d do, or say, or…fuck. He wasn’t worth blood on my hands, but I wanted it there anyway. I wanted it so bad I could taste it.

  I’d thought I was past this, that I had a handle on my shit. My mind. My past. But I’d also thought he was gone. Still in jail. Or dead. I’d thought he was out of my life for good, damn it.

  Teeth chattering, I shoved the stretcher at Lance as hard as I could. Shoved it so hard that it squeaked, then fell to the side, splashing in the puddles.

  “Jesus, man. What’s going on?” Lance scowled at me, then the stretcher.

  The other EMTs gathered around, but I could only look at the puddles. The rain falling in them, reflecting the flashing emergency lights.

  It was getting colder.

  The wetness soaked through me.

  I couldn’t look up. I couldn’t see him. I couldn’t—

  “You okay, sir?” A hand was on my arm, a low voice.

  That touch. That fake, soothing, pitying voice… I didn’t know who it was. Nor did I care. I didn’t care about anything. Nothing. Not a damn thing.

  Then it happened, like a slow-motion picture screen.

  The stretcher was righted, two men were there, and then he was out of the car, eyes the same watery brown I remembered. Like he sensed me standing there, he lifted his head, locking eyes with me across the road. I sucked back a breath, holding it. Waiting.

  He squinted, blood dripping from his temple, but there was no recognition in his gaze.

  The old man didn’t know who I was.

  I exhaled but couldn’t stop staring. Not even when he looked away. Not when he smiled at Lance. Not when he got on the stretcher, rode by me, and nodded a small hello.

  As he passed, my hands tingled for blood. I grabbed the white sheet and reached for him, though my mind begged me not to. I could end him. I wanted to. Jesus, did I ever.

  But then a hand was on my shoulder, stopping me, a voice too. “Sir, I—”

  “Don’t touch me,” I yelled, jerking my arm away, taking a step back, then another, until I ran into a body, another car, then fell on my ass onto the asphalt. No. No, no, no. Not blood. Never blood. I wasn’t him. I wouldn’t be. Couldn’t.

  People surrounded me. Voices loud over the rain. I dropped my chin to my chest, unable to look any longer. Unable to get the words out because I was scared.

  I was so fucking scared he wouldn’t let me inside the house again that night if I did.

  That I’d have to spend another night in the shed, using garbage bags that smelled like piss and beer just to keep warm.

  That I wouldn’t be able to drink or eat for days.

  That he’d play that music and flash those lights, and…

  “No. Not real. Not real.” I gripped my hair, knees to my chest, mouth agape.

  Why wasn’t he in jail? Why didn’t I know he was out? Why, why, why?

  My phone buzzed. It was the only thing I felt. The only thing that pushed me back to the here and now. And when I finally lifted my head, catching sight of the stretcher as it was pushed into the back of my ambulance, I realized something very important.

  I wasn’t okay.

  I never would be again.

  * * *

  McKenna

  We were twenty minutes outside Carinthia when I got the phone call.

  After spending all day at the museum and having a late lunch on our way back, I was exhausted and more than ready to get home and see Gavin. He was supposed to be meeting me at my place an hour after he got off work.

  It was a good day—and I hadn’t had many of those in a while. Sure, every moment I spent with Gavin was amazing, but the realization that I didn’t need to feel reliant on a man to make me happy had made the day all that much more amazing. I could have it all. And it no longer scared me.

  Hanna received especially good news today. It was in the form of a phone call from our mom, surprisingly. Apparently, Hanna’s ex was finally in jail, charged with assault and battery. Now he was awaiting trial with a bond that nobody was willing to splurge on. That meant my sister could go back home. And I couldn’t be happier for her. Especially since she’d decided that she no longer would be living with our mother. It was time for her to spread her wings once and for all.

  I touched the hands-free button to answer Addie’s call. There was a twinge of disappointment that I hadn’t heard from Gavin since this morning, but I attributed it to him having a crazy day at work. He was glad to be back, having a routine once more, and though our work hours didn’t always coincide, we were making it work.

  “Hey, Addie. What’s up?” I asked, keeping both hands on th
e wheel. Thankfully, the rain had stopped, but the roads were still slick.

  “Where are you?” she asked.

  I stiffened a little at the worried pitch in her voice, glancing at my sister just briefly to see if she’d noticed. Hanna shrugged and turned the volume down on the radio, brows furrowed as I’m sure mine were.

  “About fifteen or twenty minutes out. Why? What’s up? Everything okay?”

  “McKenna. Something’s happened to Gavin.”

  I swerved the wheel, nearly hitting a pothole. My hands trembled around the wheel as I asked the only thing I could. “What?”

  “He’s okay physically,” she clarified. “But he’s gone… Nobody can find him. Something happened at work today. He had, like, a meltdown. He couldn’t drive his ambulance from a scene, and the cops wound up taking him to the hospital in their squad car.” She took a breath as fear gripped my chest, making it even hard to breathe. “After he got there, he just…took off. Left work, and now nobody knows where he is. Everyone’s worried.”

  I sighed, secretly relieved that I knew exactly where he was, and automatically stepped harder on the gas. Hanna reached over and squeezed my shoulders, likely in support, but I couldn’t look at her. What had happened to set him off?

  “I know where he is,” I eventually said, then cleared my throat to fight the frog inside.

  “Okay, where? Collin and Max are freaking out and—”

  “Tell them both what I just told you. That I know where he is, and then tell them I’m going straight there.”

  She mumbled something through the line, obviously not talking to me. A second later, she got back on and said, “Max wants to make sure you can handle it.”

  “What do you mean?” I scowled.

  “Gavin gets really upset when he has one of these episodes, Kenna. They’re just worried. Please don’t take offense.”

  I nodded, though no one could see me, relaxing a bit. I was letting my emotions get the better of me, and if I truly wanted to be there for Gavin, I needed to prove I could handle this. “I’ll be fine. Don’t worry.”

  “Promise you’ll call if you need anything?”