by Nicole Thorn
We made it where no one could see us, and we all doubled over to catch our breath.
“That was awesome!” Layla shouted. “Why did you punch that guy?”
All I could do was grin at her.
Wilson stood straight and looked at his hand. “He said some insulting things about you girls. He called Riley crazy and said something suggestive that I will not repeat.”
Riley’s eyes got very big, and her voice was gentle. “You defended my honor?”
He nodded.
She dug into her pocket and pulled out two things. One was a lighter, and the other I knew to be The Last Pack that Layla said was in Riley’s possession to be doled out at her discretion. She pulled out a cigarette, and handed it to Wilson with the lighter. “You earned it.”
He groaned and threw his head back. “God, I love you.” He didn’t hesitate to take the cigarette and put it in his mouth. After it was lit, he took a drag, and groaned again.
Riley crossed her arms. “I hope you enjoy that because now I can’t let you touch me for at least a day.”
His brow arched, and he took the cigarette out of his mouth. “Really?”
She nodded and smiled, taking a step backward and farther into the woods. “Totally. No touching at all. Your icky smoke hands will be kept to yourself.”
“You seem to believe that.”
Another step back, and her grin widened as her voice turned playful. “I do.”
She turned and took off into the woods.
Wilson smiled crookedly as he lifted his foot to put out the cigarette on the bottom of his shoe. Once it was done, he took off after Riley, and in the distance, I heard her giggle when he caught her and lifted her off the ground.
Layla had her hands on her hips, watching them. “I oughta get me a face punchin’ fella.”
I didn’t have the ability to respond to that. I got her attention back, and said, “Who are the Paperdolls?”
’d never felt dread quite in the same way as I did when the words “Paperdolls” came out of Bennett’s mouth. Not him too. I looked at him, and he was so confused. I guess I knew now why those dicks thought we were crazy.
It wasn’t odd to get recognized. It was most of why Adalyn didn’t want to leave her house. One too many people asked us to sign stuff. It was… not ideal.
It was so alarming to be faced with this again. Having to explain what happened to me. Last time, it was with my doctor. He listened, and it was easy to talk to him. This was different. Bennett was my friend, and I wanted to save this part of myself. It was all behind me, so why did it need attention? It should be over and done with. Old news. But somehow, it still interested people enough to corner me in public, call me at home, and try to get me to sell them the rights to my story. My story would make a God-awful book, so they really should cut it out. Who wants to read about a bunch of mopey, damaged teenagers? Just pick up some urban fantasy book about Greek mythology or something.
When Riley and Wilson came back to awkward silence, I asked them to take me and Bennett back to my house. If I was going to do this, then I had to do it somewhere I was comfortable. On the walk back to the car, Bennett took the hint and didn’t say anything else.
It was a terrifying walk up to my porch, through my living room, and into my bedroom. He sat on my bed while I made my way around to the other side. I moved and crossed my legs under me when I settled beside Bennett.
“So…” I said, my tongue feeling weighty in my mouth.
He looked over at me, tentative. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine.”
It didn’t matter now. He knew the word tied to my name and the name of my sisters. The bliss of being someone else to him was dead, and I had to tell him the truth. Otherwise he would go get it from someone else. Then I would probably never see him again.
“You don’t know about the kidnapping?” I asked.
His wide eyes stuck on the bedding. “I think I remember some talk about it, but I don’t watch the news.”
So I would have to fill him in on everything. Weigh him down with this curse that followed me. I didn’t want this information in him, but that was taken from me.
“We were twelve,” I started. “Me, Riley, Adalyn, and our other sister, Kylie.”
Bennett managed to look at me again. “The one that died?”
“The one that killed herself, yes. We were little girls taken away from our families. We didn’t know each other, but we were family in a matter of days.”
He was quiet, and I watched his throat work as he swallowed. “Taken?”
I nodded. “The man that took us kept us literally underground. We lived there until October.”
His breath hitched. “Last October? Layla, were you there up until three months ago?”
I saw how desperately he wanted me to say no, how much this was already hurting him. “Yes. Riley killed the man that took us, and we escaped. Do you want to know why they call us the Paperdolls?”
His eyebrows pressed closer together, forming a line. “If you want to tell me.”
I didn’t want to tell him, but I wanted him to know. “The bunker we were in was made up to look like a dollhouse from the inside. Our bedrooms were pink and… every fucking thing was pink,” I breathed. “He dressed us up, and he kept us looking like he wanted. Perfect dolls. He groomed us and fed us and tried to make us love him.”
I could almost feel Bennett’s blood turn cold as his fingers gripped my bedding. “Did he… Is that why he wanted to do that to you?”
I knew what he was getting at, but I dodged the word too. “No. He didn’t touch us like that. He liked that we were virgins. That was part of it. Why we were kids when he took us.” He told us so. He said that we were clean and new.
“But he liked to give us baths,” I said. “He wanted to keep us clean and keep our skin smooth.” The memories of being shaved and waxed popped into my brain as I looked at the skin on me that wouldn’t grow hair anymore. He’d used that laser thing for that. “He cut our hair and brushed it out. Kept what he cut.”
We found it when we were breaking free. Bags of hair and fingernail clippings… I wished that entire place burnt down. The smell was stuck in my mind. Like flour. He had us baking all the time, making him treats when he got home. We were supposed to be good little dolls for him.
“He hurt us,” I said, staring at the bedding. “Me. He hurt me, a lot. But I guess I kind of asked for it. I was mouthy.”
It was like night and day, Bennett’s face now and how it was before I said that. It was all rage in his eyes, and none of it for me. When he laced our fingers together and pulled me to him, I wasn’t expecting it.
“Don’t say that,” he told me. “Don’t say that this was your fault. It doesn’t matter if you hurt him, yelled at him, tried to kill him. He hurt you first. He did something evil to you, and he kept doing it. That is not your fault.”
“I practically asked for it.” I sank against Bennett’s chest, and he laid me down on the bed. We lay face to face, and I told him things that I never thought I would say out loud again.
“The scars,” I said, watching his eyes. “I wasn’t lying when I said I didn’t know my age when I got them. I think we’d been there a couple years. We thought we would be there forever. We—” I stopped, closing my eyes for a few seconds. “We thought in those first few days that someone would find us. Then we… stopped thinking that. I think Kylie was the first one to give up. Then me… Riley. It took so long for Adalyn to give up. We might have been sixteen. Maybe seventeen. She said she stopped having dreams of being home. We stopped remembering what grass smelled like or what our parents looked like when they smiled. I couldn’t remember what my mom sounded like…” I stopped, needing to breathe. “No pictures… nothing at all. I was so little. We—we were so little. We didn’t understand why it was happening to us. Why someone would take us and do what he was doing.”
I started talking, and I didn’t stop. I told him about the day we found the
nail, and I described how it felt to want to die so badly that I cried with joy when I started bleeding. And I told him how crushed I had been when I woke up. How much I wanted to try again and that I wasn’t given the chance.
“I know better than a lot of people what it feels like to want to be dead,” I told him. “Every night he crawled into my bed, I wanted to die. I wanted to die, and I wanted him to die, and it took me years to figure out that I was dead the whole time. I wasn’t anything at all but hate.
“Then Riley killed him, and I watched her do it. I watched her stab him until I couldn’t recognize his face anymore. That face that’s haunted me for seven years, and she destroyed it.
“I wished it could have been me that killed him, but I was too much of a coward. I pretended it was because it was Riley’s turn to sleep with him, but that wasn’t true. I was so scared. We all were, but Riley was the only one who could do what had to be done.”
Bennett stayed silent for most of this, but he finally opened his mouth. “How did it happen?”
I smiled. “She stuck a nail file in the fucker. She stabbed him in the neck, stole his keys, and she freed us. She was the only one smart enough to grab a knife, and he came at us as we were trying to leave. He grabbed Adalyn, and Riley stabbed him. Maybe twenty times.”
Bennett started messing with the fabric of my dress, pulling at a thread so he didn’t have to look at me. “What happened when you got home again?”
I smiled softly. “My parents were great, and I got to see my baby sister again. She was all grown up. It’s weird, talking to her about things other than dolls and coloring books. We talk about the boy she likes and school, and everything feels different. It was like I was in a funhouse version of my life. Everything was a warped version of what it was supposed to be. Topsy turvy.”
Bennett’s hand was warm on my hip, and the comfort of it made me hurt when it was lost. He chose instead to tuck my hair behind my ear. That was good too. “And that interview?”
I sighed and rolled onto my back. The ceiling would be easier to look at. “We thought that it was a good idea. We were told that they would make up a story, all those people who wanted to know about us. It was the chance to tell the truth, and something about it was appealing at the time. Just so that it would be out there and gone, like it was going to set us free. That way, at least, we wouldn’t have to her all the speculation. But then Kylie…”
I changed positions because I needed my comfort back. I needed something warm around me, and that was Bennett. I didn’t know why it was so easy with him, but I couldn’t deny it. I felt better when he was around.
Once my head rested on his chest and I could listen to his heart, I went on. “We don’t know for sure what happened with her. She seemed as okay as the rest of us were, and then she killed herself. We were there, and it didn’t stop her. She took our sister away, and then it was like I didn’t know how to breathe anymore. I was so angry with her. I’m still angry with her. We made a promise, and she broke it. We would only do this if it was all of us. All or none.”
Why, once we were finally free, did she decide she couldn’t take it anymore? We had everything waiting for us to take, and she put a bullet in her brain. It made no sense to me, and I thought it was because the decision was entirely irrational. In the moment. If she took the time to think, then she would still be here with me. With all of us.
“We were supposed to get old together,” I whispered. “We were supposed to all move in together because we couldn’t be apart. We were supposed to be at each other’s weddings. To watch our children being born. We were sisters, and now Kylie isn’t anything at all. Part of me died that day, and I can feel the missing piece.”
Bennett swallowed and rubbed my back. His dark eyes were so soft as he watched me, lids dropped halfway. “Do you still wish that you didn’t wake up that day? When you all tried to… Are you glad you’re here?”
I nodded. “I’m so glad. It hurt, but I get to try and make a life for myself. You’ll get there too, Benny. One day, you’ll be happy that you’re alive.”
His lips pressed to the top of my head. “I am.”
I talked to Bennett until I fell asleep on him. He didn’t wake me, so whenever I finally came back to reality, I was peacefully on top of him. My head tucked under his chin, and I clutched the fabric of his shirt. Just… just all over him.
I was still groggy, so I didn’t move off of him immediately. I wiggled and sighed, forcing my eyes open. Bennett was wide awake, staring at the wall. He looked off.
“Sorry,” I rasped, eyes squinting. “I didn’t mean to use you like my own personal snuggle buddy.”
He smiled as I sat up. “I don’t mind. I was planning out the end of my story. I think I know who the killer should be.”
Sitting up was overrated, so I cuddled up to his side, lying on my stomach with my chin in my hands. “Tell me about it.”
Looking utterly full of delight, he went through the entire story from start to finish. I felt bad after a while, because I started paying less attention to the words and more to the way he looked when he said them. The life in his eyes was beautiful, and I felt jealous of him. I didn’t feel this way about anything in my life. There wasn’t something I loved so much that it made all the pain go away. But I was so glad that he had something like that. He needed it so badly.
We both startled when we heard the garage open up as my parents got home. We were all snuggly in bed, and it probably wasn’t a great idea to be caught like this. I never had to worry about my parents catching me with a boy before, and it was kind of a wonderful problem to have. It felt so normal.
As we scrambled to get out of bed, I watched him. Huh. I kind of wished we could have stayed in bed for a while longer. I liked how it felt to be in his arms. He made me feel safe.
Oh, no. Oh please don’t tell me that this is how it happens. That out of nowhere, you blink and you have a crush on someone. This couldn’t be right at all. It was insane. I hardly knew him. I couldn’t have a crush.
I cleared my throat and mind before linking my arm with his. “How about I make you some dinner?”
“Only if you let me help.”
Yeah, totally screwed.
We walked out together and ran into Melissa in only seconds. She stopped dead and looked us up and down like she caught me riding him or something. I would never do that… when my parents were home. I wasn’t so awful that I would subject them to my screams. I felt a little funny if I was having special Layla time, and they were home. Even if they were sleeping. I still did it though…
“What?” I asked, eyes narrowed at her scrutiny.
She smiled and waggled her eyebrows. “Ballsy to have at it in the middle of the day, sissy.”
Bennett’s eyes widened, and he looked downright adorable as he sputtered. “N-no. We were ju-just talking.”
Melissa snickered. “Calm down, buddy. I was kidding.”
His face turned bright red, and it got worse when I lifted to my tiptoes to kiss it. “Relax,” I said in his ear. I dropped flat and patted his butt.
He made a sound, and I had mercy on him. I walked with him down the hall while my sister laughed all the way into her bedroom. I took him downstairs and rushed him past my parents. He was in no position to try and say hello to them.
Once in the kitchen, I sat him at the table and told him I would make something for him to eat. It took him a few minutes to snap out of his cute flustered state. I loved that everything made him so squirmy. He was so uncomfortable in his own skin, and I didn’t know why. He was attractive, smart, creative, fun. He had every reason to be a cocky bastard who burned through girls. I mean, really. He looked like the kind of guy who would bang his way through town. But, no. My sweet little Benny was a virgin, and he wasn’t capable of something so shallow.
When he recovered, he joined me at the stove to help in making some grilled cheese. It was fun, what with the hip bumps, and forcing cheese into his mouth. He liked it, but he woul
dn’t admit it.
I handed him a plate with a freshly-made sandwich on it. “Eat.”
“But yours isn’t ready,” he said, taking the plate.
I shrugged. “Go forth and eat.”
He looked down and up again in two seconds. “Thank you.”
I reached up and covered his lips with mine. It was only supposed to last a second, but I lingered. He was so warm and soft, and I loved how he felt. When I finally did stop, his eyes were hooded as he watched me. Silently, he drew a breath in through parted lips. Then he staggered back to the table.
I half-smiled as I made up my sandwich. He still looked at me the same as he did this morning. No judgment or pity over what I told him. And I told him so much. He took it all, and just listened. It made me wish I told him earlier for all the understanding he gave me.
I brought my food to the table and ate beside him. We joked, and we smiled, and I wished I could kiss him again.
missed him. One whole day without seeing him in person, and I missed Bennett. Even with the texts of puppy pictures we found on the internet. Or the silly zodiac things that annoyed us both, but we liked when we sent them to each other.
I paced my room, thinking about if it would be creepy to show up at his house without texting first. Yeah, it would be. But I still considered it, so what was wrong with me? I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about him since I told him everything. He was so great about it all. During and after. It was a pleasant shock to my system. I needed more of him.
Against my better judgment, I went to my closet and started picking out something that I hoped would make Bennett think I was pretty. Because I was pathetic, and his approval would make me happy. God, what was happening to me? Did Riley do this? Fuck, I needed to call Riley.
“Hello?” she said when I called her up.
“Hey!” I said, frantic and squeaky. “Long story short, I think I have a crush on Bennett, and I want him to see me, and get all drooly and happy. What do I do?!”