by Nicole Thorn
We lay in her bed, and her head leaned on my shoulder. The pain was dull, and I got too much out of her being this close to ever ask her to move. I could feel her worry, and my guilt for causing it.
“I’m glad you came to me,” she said. “Even if you didn’t last time.”
“There was nowhere else I wanted to be.”
Layla kissed my shoulder, and the pressure felt amazing. So much better than in my head. “I wish I could make you feel better.”
“You,” I said. “You being here makes me feel better. Everything you do, Layla, is like medicine. I don’t understand how I could find someone I care about as much as I care about you.”
I looked down when I felt her head tilt up. “Really?” God, her voice sounded so desperate.
“Really.”
The song changed, and Layla’s hand went to my cheek again as she lifted up, brushing her body against mine delightfully. Soft lips touched my jaw, and I stopped breathing, fearful she would notice how obsessed with every touch I was, and she would stop. Her mouth opened, and she swept her tongue against my skin. I could have died right there.
Layla pulled at my earlobe with her teeth as she carefully shifted on top of me. So gentle, as to not hurt me. It didn’t matter what she did, because I was past pain the moment her lips touched mine. I surrendered under her, and our tongues met in my mouth.
When she brushed my lap, she became aware of what she did to me. I was positive that would be the end of it. Instead, she smiled at me and moved to the side. She popped my button and her hand was in my pants before I could even register what was happening.
Oh, the majesty of this moment… I groaned, loudly and unashamed. Even when Layla giggled and kissed my cheek. I closed my eyes, enjoying the wonderful feeling of her hand around me, touching me like no one else ever had. She gave me a few perfect minutes before she started pulling at my sweater.
Once it was on the floor, she put her lips back to my body. She kissed all the damage on me, softly, and with all the affection she could manage. When she put my hands on her sleep shirt, that was when I felt unsure.
Layla nodded once at me, telling me what she wanted me to do. Oh… Oh. She wanted to…
The shirt joined mine on the floor, and I pulled her back to me, needing the taste of her lips. She hopped on my lap, grinding against my hard on. Dear God, she would kill me, and I would be fine with that.
She sat up, and I looked at her bare chest because I couldn’t do anything else. I’d touched her before, but she looked… perfect. So beautiful and strong. I was scared I would taint her if I did what she had planned.
Layla pulled down my pants and boxers, and she took me in her hand again. How did something so simple feel like this? It was her. It had to be her, making everything seem like magic.
I wrapped my fingers around her shorts, and she let me pull them off of her. When she was only in her panties, she lay on her back. We made perfect eye contact when I pulled them down her legs and tossed them away. Then she lay naked before me, and she opened her legs, inviting me to take everything I could ever want in life.
I lay between her thighs, and my heart raced against hers. Why, why would she want me like this? It wasn’t like before when she was upset and looking for something to distract her. This felt like she wanted me for me instead.
Layla pulled my face down to meet hers, and she ground her hips against mine, telling me to hurry up already. My tip brushed her skin, and I almost ruined this for the both of us. But she didn’t understand how scared I was. I destroyed everything that was good. I wasn’t worth what she wanted to give me.
“Benny.” She smiled, her lips brushing mine. “I need you, sweetheart.”
She put her hands on my shoulders, and I decided that I didn’t have a choice. I was head-over-heels, stupid in-love with her. I didn’t care how long I knew her or that there was no chance she could love me like I loved her. She was mine for right now, and if that was all I ever got, it was more than I deserved.
Then I carefully pushed inside of her, and I heard the little breath she sucked in. I thought I hurt her, but then she smiled, looking almost smug about it. I laughed, and she lifted up to kiss me and to pull me back down.
She didn’t let me give her a few moments to get used to this before her hips urged mine to go on. God, she felt amazing. Her leg lifted up, and went around my waist, and she pulled me deeper into her. It was astonishing that I lasted longer than a few seconds.
This, this was like nothing I knew could exist. I felt like I belonged here with her. Finally, somewhere that felt like home. I didn’t know home could be a person.
Everything changed when Layla started making noises. At first, I thought I hurt her, then I caught on. Fingernails were rough on my sides as I sank into her. Her mouth fell open, and she looked up at me unseeing. I probably looked like a grinning idiot, but she didn’t look like she cared. She picked up her pace again, making me follow.
I kissed her lips, and she stopped to cry out against me. It was… She was so beautiful. And I made her feel good. I brought pleasure to this perfect creature, and it made the whole world feel more real to me. I was so glad to be alive.
I couldn’t feel any pain in my body or in my heart, and I could not remember ever having that before. There was always something wrong, some kind of hurt. Not right now. Memories of pain were gone, and Layla was the only thing that existed. I didn’t think it could ever come back again. But then, I couldn’t imagine what the world would be like when I wasn’t inside of Layla anymore.
“Bennett,” she cried out weakly, clutching me to her body.
I felt her tighten around me and groaned right in her ear. I heard her breathing stop as she tensed and released again. She gave me no time before she was kissing my lips, weaving her fingers into my hair.
I wasn’t done yet. I wasn’t ready for this to be over, and the idea of the end made me afraid. What if I never felt like this again? What if I spent my whole life chasing this peace she gave me? I needed her.
Layla watched me as I pumped faster, losing control of myself. Her leg still tight around me, and she moved at my pace, a smile still pulling at her lips. But I knew that this couldn’t last forever, and it didn’t.
I died inside of her, the moment she called out my name again. Then she was kissing me, and I was kissing her, and my eyes closed.
The music still played when I lay on my back, and Layla crawled halfway onto me. I’d been fearful that she would realize the mistake she made and want me gone. Instead, she looked weak and peaceful. Her hair stuck to her face when she pulled it off of her skin. We were both kind of sweaty, actually. But she still rested her head on me.
“Well, I didn’t know we were gonna do that.” She giggled.
I smiled. “No… that was a surprise.”
With infinite concern, she said, “I didn’t hurt you, did I?” Her hand traveled lightly over a forming bruise. “I… I should have been careful.”
I hushed her. “No, I’m fine. It doesn’t hurt at all.” It was the honest truth. Nothing hurt me at all. My mind was all on Layla and what she did for me.
She buried her face to my chest and looked up at me, eyes wide. “Hmm,” she mumbled. “That was very… nice.” She blinked. “It was nice, right?”
I laughed at the insanity that was me not loving that completely. “Layla… I think this had to be the best night of my entire life.”
She looked sad as she laid her head down on me and she traced my welts and bruises. “I’m glad… I’m glad that you were my first,” she said, self-consciousness obvious.
First. She said it as if she planned on there being others. Of course she was. Why would she want to keep me around? I was pathetic and weak, and she could do so much better.
“Everything about it felt right,” she went on, “and it always does when I’m with you.”
Those words hit me and wanted to burrow into my brain forevermore. I wanted her to mean them because I felt the same way
as she did. I felt like she was made for me. We fit, bodies and souls, together.
“It did feel right,” I said. “It was amazing.”
I heard her hum as she smiled again. “Will you stay the night with me? I’m all alone… and I want you here.” Quickly, she looked up at me. “Unless you wanna leave.”
They wouldn’t wonder where I was, my parents. Mom wouldn’t check on me, and Dad would want to stay out of it. The thought should hurt me more than it did, but I was still high from the woman beside me. She made it all go away, replacing it with the truest love I’d ever felt. She didn’t want anything from me. Just to take care of me. It was so pure. Everything about her existed to take care of other people.
I shook my head. “Nothing could make me leave right now.”
Home was where my parents were, and this was where my love was. It wasn’t a contest. I would have lived in this bedroom if it was an option, in her bed and arms every night of my worthless life. She could give me meaning when nothing else could. I mattered to her, so I mattered.
Layla kissed me again, and it lasted several wonderful minutes in which I couldn’t use my brain. It was her. Her taste and smell and the way her hands felt on my chest. How her fingers curled in when she kissed me.
The soft music was the perfect soundtrack to this whole night, and the playlist repeated once it met its end. I would get to fall asleep to it and with Layla in her bed. How could life get any better than this? When would the rug get pulled out from under me?
She lay down and faced away from me. When she looked over her shoulder, her brow was arched. I didn’t say anything, and neither did she. There was a huff, and she pulled my arm around her. Ah, I was a dummy. She wiggled against me, making me let out a happy sound that made her giggle as my arm settled against her chest.
We were settled there like spoons, and my heart beat against her bare back. She was so soft in my arms. And she wanted this, she wanted me to hold her. Enough to be irritated that I didn’t figure it out on my own. Like I should just know that she wanted me at all. I couldn’t say what was going on in her head. I knew that I was lost in love with her, but I was too scared to ask her how she felt about me. A stupid thing to worry about after an exchanging of virginity. We were each other’s first everything. I wanted her to be my last and only.
“Goodnight, Benny,” she said, sounding sleepy as she looked over her shoulder at me.
I smiled, and kissed her shoulder. I would enjoy this bliss for as long as she would let me. “Goodnight, Layla.”
ow, when everything was so big and scary, could something feel this perfect? I didn’t understand anything anymore. In his arms, I felt like I was home. Really home. Last night… My brain got all mushy thinking about it. Even with my eyes closed, I smiled like an idiot. Bennett’s arm was around me, and I wanted it to stay there.
But something in the back of my head told me I did something awful. That I took advantage of a sad, sad boy who would have probably let anyone touch him if it felt like love. If Bennett wanted me, it wasn’t for me. He would want any warm body. He deserved more than me anyway.
I decided to be selfish, and take a few more minutes to enjoy what was the most enjoyable thing in my entire life. I loved the feeling of being pressed against him, held tightly and securely. I wanted to stay like this, but I knew that I couldn’t. I had to think of someone other than me and what I wanted.
Causing myself genuine sadness, I snuck out of bed and left him there while I showered. I made it quick because I didn’t want Bennett to wake up without me there.
God, I hated this feeling I had. The one that told me he wanted me for all the wrong reasons. We were both so broken. How could we trust a thing we felt?
Bennett was still adorably asleep when I got back to the bed. His face all smooshed against a pillow, and when I lifted the blanket up, I got to see his butt. So that was nice. Hmm. This lovely boy was all over me last night. I really wanted to do that with him again. Like a ton of times. But I knew that I couldn’t keep doing it. Not when he needed someone a little less damaged.
I put my hand on his shoulder and gently rubbed his arm. “Benny? Sweetie?”
He growled, and I almost crawled back under the covers to have my way with him again.
“Baby?”
Bennett peeled his eyes open, and the first thing he did was smile at me. The second thing he did was sit up and kiss me. I let it happen, knowing that I shouldn’t be so selfish. But I felt happy when I kissed him.
I sighed when we pulled away from each other. “We have to talk about a couple things, Bennett.”
“We do,” he agreed.
I watched him get out of bed and go for his clothes. He didn’t catch me looking at his butt even once, so bully for me. I looked a bunch. He’s got a really nice butt…
Once he pulled on his sweater and covered those heartbreaking bruises that blossomed even worse over night, he sat down on the bed. “Okay, you wanna go first?”
I nodded. “Who hurt you?”
He dipped his head, rubbing his eyes. I was almost surprised at how quickly he told me. “My mother.”
I felt anger first. Anger that a mother would hurt her baby. I didn’t care what reason she may have had or anything else relating to the subject. If you hurt your child or anyone else’s, you are an asshole. End of story. You should be burned at the stake. And to hurt someone as sweet and sad as Benny, well, I wanted to fucking murder the woman.
I put my hands under Bennett’s chin, lifting his head up so I could see his face. He had a shadow on his cheek, and I wanted to kiss it away. I wanted to heal all his wounds. “I am… so sorry, Bennett. Nothing like this should have ever happened to you. How… how long?”
He didn’t speak, but his eyes told me everything I had to know. They were weary and defeated. Far past caring as much as he should. His face reminded me of mine those later years at The Dollhouse. There were only so many beatings you could take before you stopped having the power to care. For me, it was a long fight, but the day did come where I… stopped. The idea of that happening to Bennett made me want to walk over to his house, and end his mother.
“I overslept,” he said. “She was nice and let me skip my chores, and I overslept.”
My eyes narrowed. “I don’t care if you burn the fucking house down. She shouldn’t have hurt you. What did she even do that got those marks on your body? It looks like you were beaten with a stick.”
“Belt,” he said, “and a tennis racket.”
A whimper fell out of my mouth as my stomach dropped. I didn’t know how to survive this feeling. I wanted to reach out and grab something that would steady this falling-through-the-air feeling I had. Over and over again in my head, I saw that woman beating this boy. I saw her hurting him, and I saw him crying. He was so gentle, and I couldn’t imagine someone wanting to hurt a soul like his. But my stomach was still heavy, and there was a lump in my throat, and my eyes stung.
Bennett tried to soothe me, but I hardly noticed him wiping my tears away. I only knew I cried because of the familiar pain. But of course I cried. My heart was broken, and I was terrified at how little Bennett cared about himself. He was beautiful and kind and so, so special, and he didn’t care what happened to him.
“I’m okay,” he whispered when I crumbled to his chest.
He lied to me, telling me this was somehow fine. Was he crazy? He seemed to believe what he said.
“Nothing is okay,” I told him. “She’s beating you. We have to go to the police and have her arrested.”
His body tensed, and his stopped stroking my back. I didn’t like how his voice sounded. Hard, and all wrong for him. “She’s my mom, Layla.”
I sat the fuck up and scooted far enough away to stare real hard at him. “Yeah, she’s beating the fuck out of you. You have welts on your body, Ben.”
He looked at his body self-consciously, tugging at his sleeves until they were at his wrists. “I broke a rule.”
I scoffed and stared
, mouth hanging open. “You can’t possibly be blaming yourself.”
Bennett shrugged, and I wanted to throw up. “I sit at home all day doing nothing, and she pays for it. She lets me do what I do, and sometimes she gets mad. She doesn’t deserve to go to jail. She doesn’t like what she does.”
Oh my God, this sounded insane. How did he not hear that? “Bennett,” I sighed, weaving my hands into my hair. “You don’t do nothing. You write. That’s your work. She buys you food, that’s all. It doesn’t give her the right to hurt you.” My voice cracked as I reached for him on the last word. “You don’t deserve any of this, no matter what you’re doing.”
This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t possibly think that this was his fault. Was that even real? Did that happen when it wasn’t on TV? I didn’t understand. It was… crazy.
“She’s sad,” he said. “She gets in moods, and I should know to stay away.”
“Stay away? Like hide? In your own fucking house? Were you hiding yesterday?” Everything I said sounded angry, and it was because I was just this side of furious. I didn’t want to blow up at the wrong person here, so I tried to be careful.
Bennett shrank into himself, and I saw that the aggression spooked him. I had to ease off if I wanted answers. So I sat beside him, and I put his hands on my lap. We were each other’s firsts, and that had to count for something. We had to have some kind of bond now. I didn’t want to be the only one feeling it.
“No, I wasn’t hiding,” he said quietly, watching my lap. “I was asleep, and she woke me up. I can’t even remember what I said that set her off, but before I knew it, she was screaming and hitting me.”
This was like listening to a nightmare. His voice was unsteady, and he had to have been so scared when it happened. All I wanted was to protect him.
“What did your dad do?” I asked.
“He wasn’t home.”
“Does he know what she does?”
“Yes. He tells me to hide.”